Little Green Men
Stardate: Unknown
Original Airdate: 6 Nov, 1995

[Quark's]

(It looks like a boot fair is going on)
ROM: All right, everyone. Gather around. We're about to start. When a young Ferengi goes out on his own, he traditionally raises capital by selling his boyhood treasures. As you know, my son Nog will be leaving shortly for Earth and Starfleet Academy. I'm going to miss him, and I know you will too. And what better way to remember him than to purchase one of his very own personal belongings? I don't know about you, but I'm buying these pajamas.
NOG: That'll be three strips of latinum.
ROM: Two.
NOG: Sold. Let the buying commence. No reasonable offer will be refused.
O'BRIEN: I didn't expect to see you here, Mister Worf.
WORF: Captain Sisko made it a personal request that I attend. He seems to have taken some interest in the young Ferengi.
O'BRIEN: The Captain sponsored Nog's application to the Academy.
WORF: A Ferengi at the Academy? I am not sure that is wise.
O'BRIEN: Oh, I don't know about that. Not so long ago someone might have said the same thing about you.
SISKO: You two'd better hurry or there won't be anything left to buy.
BASHIR: Nog, what is this?
NOG: My favourite holosuite programme. A Visit with the Pleasure Goddess of Rixx. Yours for a mere ten strips of latinum.
DAX: He'll take it. Consider it a gift.
BASHIR: You're too kind.
KIRA: Nog, where did you get this springball racket?
NOG: Out of a replicator?
KIRA: Try out of my quarters. This is mine. I've been looking for it for two years.
NOG: And it was sitting here on the bar all along. That's incredible.
JAKE: It's a Ferengi tooth sharpener.
(Worf tries it)
WORF: How much?
QUARK: Rom.
ROM: Brother, you're here. If you hurry, there still might be some choice items left for you to buy.
QUARK: I'm not here for the sale. Nog has no business going to Starfleet Academy and I'm not doing anything to encourage him. Now, come with me.
ROM: But the sale
QUARK: It's over as far as you're concerned. The ship. It's here.
ROM: What ship?
QUARK: The ship. Our ship. My ship. The shuttle cousin Gaila owed me.
ROM: He's owed you that shuttle for ten years.
QUARK: Ever since I loaned him the latinum to start up his munitions consortium. He always said that if he became a success, he'd buy me my own ship. Now it's here.
ROM: But why do you need me?
QUARK: Because knowing our cousin, it's probably defective merchandise.
ROM: I'd better have a look at it.
QUARK: What a wonderful idea. Now get going.
(Quark snatches the pajamas from Rom.)
QUARK: And leave the clothes here.

[Ferengi shuttle]

ROM: Brother?
QUARK: All right. Tel1 me what's wrong with it.
ROM: Nothing. The ship is perfect. Gaila must've paid a fortune for it.
QUARK: You mean it'll actually fly?
ROM: This ship could outrun a Romulan interceptor. We could take it halfway across the galaxy before it would even need a maintenance check.
QUARK: You don't say? And it's all mine. I can go any place I want.
ROM: Maybe it's time you considered that early retirement we talked about. I could take over the bar, and you could fly off into the great unknown never to return. Unless you wanted to.
QUARK: Don't get your hopes up. The first thing we need to do is take this thing for a test flight. Someplace reasonably far away, but safe. Someplace like
ROM: Earth?
QUARK: Exactly. If the boy wants to go to Starfleet Academy, he might as well do it in style.
ROM: Yes, brother. Thank you, brother. I'll go tell Nog. A trip to Earth. This is going to be fun.
(Rom leaves)
QUARK: Not to mention profitable. All I ask is a tall ship and a load of contraband to fill her with.

[Quark's]

(Morn is being briefed on how to run the bar.)
QUARK: Here are the codes to operate the holosuites. Now remember, don't extend any lines of credit, don't touch the dabo girls, and make sure you keep your eyes on him. (points at Odo) Because he'll be keeping his eyes on you.
ODO: Good choice, Quark. I'm sure Morn'll do an excellent job, as long as he doesn't drink up all your profits.
(Morn backs away)
QUARK: Better him than one of my Ferengi waiters. They'd rob me blind.
ODO: Very generous of you, taking Nog to Earth.
QUARK: I'm a generous person.
ODO: So I've noticed.
QUARK: Try not to miss me too much while I'm gone.
ODO: I'll be counting the days until you get back.
QUARK: Yeah.

[Promenade - upper level]

(Leaning on the railing)
JAKE: I wonder how many hours you and I spent hanging around up here.
NOG: Two thousand, one hundred and forty seven. Just kidding. But it was a lot.
JAKE: You know, aside from playing dom-jot and watching the Bajoran transports dock, it seems like we spent most of our time doing nothing.
NOG: Maybe so, but I can't think of anyone I'd rather do nothing with than you.
JAKE: Same here.
BASHIR: Nog.
(Bashir is holding a packet)
NOG: Doctor, if you're trying to return something from the sale
O'BRIEN: It's a going-away present.
BASHIR: To help you get around easier on Earth.
(It's a PADD - visitor's guide to sector 001 - Earth)
NOG: A guidebook?
O'BRIEN: It's not just a guidebook. It's a completely interactive program detailing Earth's customs, culture, history, geography.
BASHIR: Everything you ever wanted to know about Earth is right in that PADD.
NOG: You mean it'll teach me how to attract human females?
O'BRIEN: Well, almost everything.
NOG: I'm sure it'll come in handy. Thank you. Well, I'd better get going. My father and Uncle Quark are waiting for me.
O'BRIEN: Good luck, Nog.
BASHIR: Make us proud.
(Bashir and O'Brien leave)
JAKE: I'll walk you over to the airlock. It was a good spot.
NOG: The best.

[Ops]

DAX: The Ferengi shuttle 'Quark's Treasure' has just departed the station.
KIRA: Quark, Rom and Nog together on that ship all the way to Earth? I'm glad I'm not going with them.
SISKO: Only thing that worries me, no one warned Earth that they're coming.

[Ferengi shuttle]

NOG: It says here that humans didn't even have currency until five thousand years ago. Let alone banking, speculative investments or a unified global economy.
QUARK: They're a primitive, backward people, Nog. Pity them.
NOG: But think about it, uncle. That means they went from being savages with a simple barter system to leaders of a vast interstellar Federation in only five thousand years It took us twice as long to establish the Ferengi Alliance, and we had to buy warp technology from the
QUARK: Five thousand, ten thousand, what's the difference? The speed of technological advancement isn't nearly as important as short-term quarterly gains. Can't this thing go any faster?
ROM: We're already exceeding the safe maximum cruising speed by two tenths of a warp factor.
QUARK: Push it another tenth. This trip is taking long enough as it is.
ROM: Relax, brother. I know kemacite is unstable, but another day or two won't make any difference.
QUARK: What are you talking about?
ROM: The shipment of kemacite that you're smuggling in the cargo hold.
NOG: Uncle, are you smuggling kemacite? Isn't that dangerous?
ROM: Dangerous and highly profitable. Especially if we make a side trip to Orion on the way home from Earth.
QUARK: What tipped you off?
ROM: When I engaged the impulse engines, I noticed the ship's weight distribution was a little off. So the last time you went to waste extraction, I snuck back to the cargo bay and took a look around.
QUARK: When did you get so smart?
ROM: I've always been smart, brother. I've just lacked self-confidence. Of course, I could forget everything I saw.
QUARK: How much?
ROM: Twenty percent of the profits.
QUARK: I suppose you'll want a cut too?
NOG: As a Starfleet cadet, it's my duty to report any violation of Federation law to my superiors immediately. But then again, I haven't been sworn in yet. I'll take ten percent.
QUARK: It's a deal. I thought I told you to go faster.
ROM: Faster it is.
(Later)
ROM: Brother, wake up. We're approaching Earth's star system.
QUARK: Take her out of warp.
NOG: Father, have you ever heard of the Bell Riots?
ROM: Don't bother me now.
NOG: But doesn't this Gabriel Bell human look just like Captain Sisko?
QUARK: All humans look alike. thought I told you to take us out of warp.
ROM: I'm trying, brother, but the warp core isn't responding. It looks like the command sequencer has been disabled. I don't understand. I tested everything. The only way this could've happened is if the command sequencer was designed to fail.
NOG: You mean sabotage?
QUARK: Cousin Gaila.
NOG: He never did like you very much, Uncle.
QUARK: Okay, okay. No need to panic. So the warp drive won't shut down. What's the worst thing that could happen?
ROM: The ship could continue accelerating until it tears itself apart and scatters our remains halfway across the quadrant.
QUARK: There must be something we can do?
ROM: Jettison the warp core. No, I tried that already. Emergency overrides are frozen.
QUARK: Then we'll have to try something else, won't we?
ROM: The kemacite! If we vent plasma from the warp core into the cargo hold, we may be able to start a cascade reaction in the kemacite. Then we can modulate the reaction to create an inversion wave in the warp field and force the ship back into normal space! If I time it just right, I should be able to get us close enough to Earth to make an emergency landing.
QUARK: Rom, you're a genius!
ROM: You think so?
QUARK: How should I know? I have no idea what you're talking about. Just do it.
ROM: Hold on.
(The little shuttle shakes violently, Quark starts screaming, and then the ship disappears)

[Examination room]

(Quark wakes up. He is covered in a white sheet and lying on a hard surface. The other two are also lying down.)
QUARK: Rom? Nog?

[Observation room]

(On the other side of a one way mirror, a man in uniform lights a cigarette then picks up a proper telephone.)
WAINWRIGHT: Get me General Denning. Tell him one of the Martians is awake.
(We pan over to a calendar with a picture of Rita Hayworth for July 1947.)
(Later, USAF brass and civilians have assembled)
WAINWRIGHT: We've got the farmer who found their ship. He's locked up in the BOQ, but I don't know how much longer we can keep him there.
DENNING: You keep him there until I tell you to let him go. Did you take care of that idiot in Roswell who told the press we captured a flying saucer?
(Say Hi! to Charles Napier, who played Adam in Way to Eden!)
WAINWRIGHT: We've convinced him to issue a retraction. Turns out it was just a weather balloon.
DENNING: Weather balloon?
WAINWRIGHT: We had to come up with something quick. The last thing we need is a bunch of reporters snooping around.
(Professor Carlson gives a cigarette to Nurse Garland, and lights both)
CARLSON: (in a suit) You can't keep this from the public forever, General. Beings from another planet have landed on Earth. This is one of the most important events in human history.
DENNING: Maybe, but we can't risk causing a panic. I'm not telling the public anything until we find out exactly what we're up against.
(Denning turns on speaker.)
QUARK: Pip im gren tovat. Yop bree gren skin law po far.
ROM: Yop im too, yoba. Yop sko ta yop ma.
(Quark goes to a door and hits a tile on the wall next to the knob. Then he tries pulling the knob sideways.)

[Examination room]

QUARK: It's locked. What is this place? Where are we?
ROM: I wish you'd stop asking that. I told you I don't know.
NOG: The last thing I remember was father taking the shuttle in for an emergency landing.
QUARK: Well we must be on Earth. But where?
(The speculum and specimen tray give him no clue.)
NOG: One thing's for sure, this isn't Starfleet Academy.
ROM: I wonder what happened to the ship?
QUARK: My ship. Where's my ship? Hey! Is anybody out there? What did you do with my ship? I want my ship back.

[Observation room]

(Quark is banging on the door)
QUARK: Goss uff wok ton. Goss uff wok ton.
WAINWRIGHT: He's trying to break out.
(Weapons are produced and the alsatian dog looks interested.)
GARLAND: Don't let them hurt him. He's just scared.
CARLSON: General, these creatures come from a race far more advanced than our own. There's no telling what they can teach us. We have to try to communicate with them.
DENNING: Well, you're in luck. The President agrees with you and he wants us to try and talk to them. So that's just what you're going to do.
CARLSON: Me?
DENNING: Look, Professor, we didn't ask you here just because you're Nurse Garland's fiancée. I need someone to talk to these Martians. You're elected.

[Examination room]

QUARK: I knew Earth was a bad idea. Ferengis and humans have no business being together. But you had to go to Starfleet Academy.
ROM: Don't blame my son. It was your idea to use Gaila's shuttle.
QUARK: And you were the one who said it was safe.
NOG: Leave him alone. If it wasn't for my father, we'd all be dead.
ROM: Maybe we are dead.
QUARK: What are you talking about?
ROM: Maybe this is the Divine Treasury.
QUARK: Oh, don't be ridiculous. The Divine Treasury is made of pure latinum. Besides, where's the Blessed Exchequer? Where are the Celestial Auctioneers? And why aren't we bidding for our new lives?
ROM: You don't think we're in the other place?
NOG: The Vault of Eternal Destitution?
QUARK: Don't be ridiculous. The bar was showing a profit.
(Enter two MPs followed by Wainwright, Nurse Garland and Professor Carlson.)
CARLSON: (carefully and with gestures) Welcome to Earth. We mean you no harm.
(The next is distorted, just as the Ferengi hear it.)
CARLSON: We're sorry we had to separate you from your ship, but I'm sure you can understand that we have lots of questions for you.
QUARK: Did you understand a word of that?
ROM: Our universal translators must be malfunctioning.
(Rom begins hitting his head behind his right ear. Quark and Nog follow suit.)
WAINWRIGHT: What are they doing?
GARLAND: Maybe it's some kind of greeting.
(She imitates them)
CARLSON: She may be onto something.
(So everybody hits their heads. The Ferengi stare.)
QUARK: What are they doing?
ROM: Maybe their universal translators are broken too.
NOG: No. They don't have universal translators. I recognise those uniforms from my guidebook. They're from the twentieth century.
ROM: The twentieth century? You mean we travelled back through time?
NOG: More than four hundred years. Those are military uniforms from one of the old nation states. Australia or something.
ROM: So if they don't have universal translators, then why are they banging their heads?
(Quark stops, and the humans stop)
QUARK: They're just mimicking us.
(Quark walks forward and tweaks his nose. Wainwright copies him.
QUARK: Brik yop tal hopdrew, ki los hoem bog?
GARLAND: (something)
QUARK: I'd always heard primitive humans lacked intelligence but I had no idea they were this stupid.
NOG: They weren't just stupid. They were violent, petty, bigoted and selfish.
ROM: And we're stuck here with them, maybe for the rest of our lives.
QUARK: The three of us and millions of primitive humans. I like those odds.
(And later, Quark is sitting on one of the examination tables while Nurse Garland takes his blood pressure.)
GARLAND: (distorted) Two fifty over one sixty seven. If you were human, I'd say you were due for a heart attack.
QUARK: Gran fat ari oo-mox? Ya ta fa.
GARLAND: I've given them every medical test I can think of, but the only thing I can tell you for sure is they're not human.
CARLSON: Well, that's a start. I think these two are involved in some kind of grooming ritual. Look how the older one is taking care of the younger one.
(Rom is checking in Nog's ear.)
GARLAND: It's sweet. Maybe they're father and son? Wouldn't that be something? They've come from so far away, but they still have the same basic family structure that we do.
CARLSON: I wonder if the third one's related too.
GARLAND: For all we know, it could be the mother.
QUARK: Gren fa hoe loth pex pil.
CARLSON: If she is the mother, she's quite a shrew.
ROM: I'm working as fast as I can, brother, but there must be some kind of interference disrupting our translators.
QUARK: What kind of interference?
ROM: I'm not sure. Could be solar flares, or maybe ionic interference. Or I suppose it could be beta radiation, but that's only produced by nuclear fission.
QUARK: Don't be an idiot. Nuclear fission doesn't happen within planetary atmospheres.
NOG: It does here. In the twentieth century humans used crude nuclear reactors as weapons. They called them atom bombs. They used to blow them up all the time.
QUARK: They irradiated their own planet?
ROM: If Nog says so, they did. He knows all about Earth history.
QUARK: You'd better fix those translators fast. The sooner we start talking to these savages, the better off we'll be.
(Nurse Garland is replacing one of her hairpins.)
ROM: Vo yop toe pah?
CARLSON: He seems to want something from you.
GARLAND: You'd better tell him I'm your girl.
ROM: Yop triska gleep dosta grenla. (and points at her hair)
CARLSON: I think he wants your hairpin.
GARLAND: If you say so, Professor. Here you go.
ROM: Neep gren. Now where's that reset button?
(And Rom prods around in Nog's ear with the hairpin.)
GARLAND: Ouch. That looks like it hurts.
CARLSON: He doesn't seem to mind.
CARLSON: I wish I could get some help. I don't know why we can't bring in a few more experts.
GARLAND: Let's face it, Jeff, when it comes to beings from another planet, we don't have any experts. You'll find a way to communicate with them, darling. I know you will.
(Carlson lights two cigarettes and gives one to Garland.)
GARLAND: Imagine the possibilities. Who knows what they could teach us. A few years from now, mankind could have rocket ships of our own. We could travel the galaxy, exploring new worlds and new civilisations.
(Groan or cheer, your choice.)
CARLSON: Always the dreamer.
GARLAND: That's why you love me.
CARLSON: It's funny, isn't it? Here we are in the middle of one of the greatest discoveries in human history, and all I can think about is what you're going to look like in your wedding dress.
GARLAND: My mother keeps asking where we're going on our honeymoon. She thinks we should go to Niagara Falls.
CARLSON: Who knows? Maybe we'll go to Mars.
(Quark sniffs and pulls a face.)
QUARK: What is that disgusting smell?
NOG: I think it's called tobacco. It's a deadly drug. When used frequently, it destroys the internal organs.
QUARK: If it's so deadly, then why do they use it?
NOG: It's also highly addictive.
ROM: How do they get their hands on it?
NOG: They buy it in stores.
QUARK: They buy it? If they'll buy poison, they'll buy anything. I think I'm going to like it here.
NOG: Uncle, I hope you're not thinking of doing anything that would disrupt the timeline.
QUARK: Perish the thought.
NOG: Changing the history of Earth could effect the entire galaxy. The Federation, Deep Space Nine, your bar could all cease to exist.
QUARK: Wouldn't that be a shame. Rom, hurry up with those translators.

[Outside the building]

(The men are having a smoke and looking at photographs of the shuttle.)
WAINWRIGHT: The alien ship has a small control area in the front and rudimentary sleeping quarters in the back. So far, we can't even figure out what drives the engines, let alone how they work.
CARLSON: (to the alsatian) Hey, how you doing, big fella.
DENNING: You making any headway, Professor?
CARLSON: It's fascinating. I would've expected creatures of their technological sophistication to communicate telepathically, but they seem to have a structured verbal language just like we do. Given enough time, a good team of linguists could probably decipher it.
WAINWRIGHT: We're not bringing in anyone else. Too many people know about this as it is.
DENNING: Besides, we don't have the time. President Truman is an impatient man. He wants answers, and he wants 'em now.
GARLAND: Jeff, General Denning. I think you'd better come inside right away.

[Examination room]

QUARK: My name is Quark, Chief Financial Officer of the Ferengi Alliance. And I've got a business proposition for you.

[Observation room]

(Denning is peering into Quark's ear.)
DENNING: I don't see any universal translator.
QUARK: Trust me, it's in there.
DENNING: So this gadget of yours is what makes it possible for us to understand each other? How's it work?
QUARK: It's simple, if you know how. You'd be surprised at the kind of things you can do with the right technology. Which brings me to why I'm here.
DENNING: I was wondering about that.
QUARK: I've been sent by my people to open up a market for advanced Ferengi technology.
DENNING: What kind of technology you talking about?
QUARK: How would you like to travel beyond the stars at speeds you never even dreamt were possible? Or to transport yourselves from one place to another in the blink of an eye?
DENNING: You know how to do that?
QUARK: That's only the beginning. We can give you the medical knowledge to cure your deadliest diseases. We have machines that can produce food and clothing out of thin air.
DENNING: What about weapons?
QUARK: Weapons? If you want weapons, I'm the man to see. We can teach you to make phasers, disruptors, photon torpedoes or even quantum torpedoes. A little more expensive, but worth it.
DENNING: What do you want in return?
QUARK: That depends. What do you use for currency around here? Latinum? Dilithium?
DENNING: We use dollars.
QUARK: Dollars? Never heard of them. Don't you have any gemstones or precious minerals?
DENNING: You mean like gold?
QUARK: Gold? Gold is good.
DENNING: How much gold are we talking about?
QUARK: Seeing how we're going to be advancing your culture about four hundred years overnight, I'd say a couple of million bars would be about right as a good faith deposit.
DENNING: You know, Quark, you might be some kind of Martian
QUARK: Ferengi.
DENNING: Whatever. But the more we talk, the more you remind me of my brother-in-law.
QUARK: Is he a businessman?
DENNING: He's a car salesman, and not a very good one.
QUARK: Then he's nothing like me.
DENNING: The bottom line is, I don't trust him and I don't trust you. So before we sit down and sign any contracts, you are going to tell me just what the hell you people are really doing here.
QUARK: I just told you. We're here to open up trade negotiations. If you're not interested, just say so. I'm sure I can do business with one of your planet's other nation states.
DENNING: In other words, if we don't play ball, you're going to sell those advanced weapons of yours to the Russians.
QUARK: I'd rather it didn't come to that. To be honest, I'd much rather work with you Australians.
DENNING: Americans.
QUARK: Whatever. But if you won't do business with me, and the Russians will, who am I to say no?
DENNING: I'm not saying we can't do business, but I don't have the authority to make this kind of decision. I'll have to er, well, I'll have to get clearance from the President.
QUARK: I can wait. (coughs on the cigar smoke) In the meantime, let me give you some free advice, just to show I'm on your side. You people should take better care of yourselves. Stop poisoning your bodies with tobacco and atom bombs. Sooner or later, that kind of stuff will kill you.
DENNING: What do you know about atom bombs?
QUARK: My people have been watching your world for years. We know all about you. Baseball, root beer, darts, atom bombs. It's quite a fascinating culture you humans have here. And with a little Ferengi technology, it could be even better. Now, why don't you go talk to that president of yours?

[Examination room]

(Night time. Carlson and Garland are there, with the alsatian lying on a table.)
CARLSON: Let me get this straight, Rom. Are you saying that all the women on your world walk around naked?
ROM: It's the law.
CARLSON: You don't say?
GARLAND: Well I guess I'm never going to visit your world. And neither are you.
NOG: Nurse Garland, I'm having trouble with my ear again. Could you massage it some more?
GARLAND: Are you sure you don't want a doctor to look at that?
NOG: No. I feel more comfortable with you.
(So he gets some oo-mox.)
NOG: Ah! Much better.
ROM: You know, come to think of it, my ear's bothering me too.
(Quark enters with MPs.)
ROM: Brother, how did your meeting with the general go?
(Quark nearly answers, then looks at Carlson.)
CARLSON: It's late. We should let you get some rest.
NOG: I'm not tired.
GARLAND: We'll visit some more tomorrow.
(Garland and Carlson leave with the MPs, but the dog stays.)
QUARK: There's something about that female that I don't like. She's so cheerful.
ROM: What about the general?
NOG: Is he going to let us leave?
QUARK: Don't worry. Everything's under control.
(The alsasian barks)
QUARK: Oh. They forgot to take that thing with them.
(The alsatian comes over to Quark and jumps up at him.)
ROM: It seems to like you, brother.
QUARK: Get away from me.
(The dog morphs into)
ODO: Hello, Quark.
QUARK: Odo? What are you doing here?
ODO: Placing you under arrest for attempting to smuggle kemacite. Did you really expect me to believe that you were travelling all the way to Earth just to be nice to your nephew?
ROM: You hid on board the ship.
ODO: That's right. And now I'm stuck here with you. Now listen carefully, because we don't have much time. Someone could come in any minute. Your ship is in a hangar on the other side of the base. It sustained some damage in the crash, but the engines are still functioning. If we're lucky, we should be able to use it to get away from here.
NOG: And go where? Even if we get out of here, we're still going be trapped four hundred years in the past.
ROM: Actually, I've been thinking. If there's enough kemacite left, there might be a way to get back to our own time.
ODO: How?
ROM: If we find a sufficiently powerful energy source, we should be able to trigger a temporal surge in the subspace continuum and recreate the same kind of time warp that brought us here in the first place.
ODO: What do you mean by a sufficiently powerful energy source?
QUARK: We're not going anywhere. We're staying right here.
ROM: But brother, what about the bar?
QUARK: Who cares about the bar? I'm telling you, Rom, we stay here and inside a year, we'll be running this place.
ROM: You mean the military base?
QUARK: I mean the whole planet. Harumph all you want. But these humans, they're nothing like the ones from the Federation. They're crude, gullible and greedy.
ODO: You mean like you.
QUARK: Yeah. These are humans I can understand and manipulate.
NOG: But Uncle, what about the timeline?
QUARK: Forget this timeline. The one we're going to create will be better. Once we get things in order here, we'll contact the Ferengi homeworld and sell them our ship. The Ferengi will have warp drive technology centuries before humans or Klingons or even the Vulcans. We'll establish an economic empire beyond even Grand Nagus Zek's wildest dreams. And I'll control it all.
ODO: You do have a vivid imagination. But the only place we're going is back to our own time. I'll have the ship ready to go in six hours. And you're all going to be on it.
QUARK: I'm not going back, and neither is my ship.
ODO: We'll see about that.
(Odo morphs back into the dog.)

[Outside the building]

(Denning arrives in a jeep)
WAINWRIGHT: What's the word, General?
DENNING: That little piano-playing Democrat's not as dumb as he looks. He's not about to make a deal with these aliens until we learn more about them.
WAINWRIGHT: And how does the President propose we do that?
DENNING: He said he'd leave that in our capable hands.
WAINWRIGHT: Don't worry, General. I'll find out what those Martians are up to.
DENNING: See that you do.

[Examination room]

QUARK: This is the opportunity of a lifetime.
ROM: I don't know, brother. It seems awfully risky to me.
QUARK: The riskier the road, the greater the profit.
ROM: What about Rule of Acquisition two hundred and three? New customers are like razor-toothed gree worms. They can be succulent, but sometimes they bite back.
QUARK: No. If there's any biting to be done, we're the one's who are going to do it.
(MPs burst in and put bags over their heads)

[Interrogation room]

QUARK: Get this off me! Get this off me! I can't breathe!
(Quark's bag is removed.)
QUARK: This is an outrage. I demand to see General Denning. If I don't get satisfaction, I'm taking my business to the Russians.
WAINWRIGHT: The Russians. That's a good place to start. Why don't you tell me everything you know about the Russians?
(Nurse Garland approaches with a loaded hypodermic syringe)
(After the break, Quark is screaming)
QUARK: Would you please stop doing that?
GARLAND: That's the fifth injection of sodium pentathol I've given him. It's not working.
CARLSON: Their biochemistry is obviously nothing like ours.
QUARK: Then stop sticking me with those needles!
GARLAND: Captain, this is wrong. These people are our guests.
WAINWRIGHT: They're not people, they're things. Invaders from another world. And it's up to us to put an end to whatever they're planning. Now, if you don't tell me what I want to know, needles are going to be the least of your worries. You know, Doc, I've always wanted to see what a Martian looked like from the inside.
(Wainwright holds a scalpel to Quark's neck.)
NOG: Don't you people have laws against this kind of thing?
WAINWRIGHT: Not when it comes to National Security. Now, which one should we start with. The loud one? The little one? Or the quiet one? Now, why don't you tell us why you're really here?
ROM: It was an accident. We're from the future. The warp core was sabotaged. It's all Cousin Gaila's fault. I want to go home! I want my Moogie.
WAINWRIGHT: Moogie?
NOG: You want the truth, I'll tell you the truth. We're advance scouts for the Ferengi invasion fleet.
WAINWRIGHT: I knew it.
QUARK: Nog, what are you talking about?
NOG: We've been studying you puny Earthlings for centuries and you're ripe for conquest.
QUARK: It's not true.
ROM: Moogie!
NOG: It's no use, Supreme Commander. They've seen through our cover. But knowing our plans won't do them any good. Even now three hundred Marauder-class attack cruisers are orbiting your planet preparing for the attack.
ROM: Moogie!
QUARK: I'm telling you, this is crazy. Nog, tell him the truth. We're helpless. We're harmless. We just want to sell you things.
CARLSON: Captain, I'm not sure I believe this invasion story.
WAINWRIGHT: You scientists, you're like children. Always walking around with your heads in the clouds. Keep talking.
NOG: When the appointed hour arrives, the Marauders will deactivate their cloaking devices and begin transporting Klingon shock troops directly to the landing zone.
WAINWRIGHT: Landing zone? Where? Tell me.
NOG: Why not? Your feeble weapons will be useless against us. We will kill all your males, and take your females to mate with.
WAINWRIGHT: Where's the landing zone?
NOG: Untie me and I will show you on that map.
WAINWRIGHT: (to MPs) You heard him. Go get General Denning. Tell him he was right about the Martians all along. Now show me.
NOG: The first landing parties will arrive here.
(Nog gestures vaguely towards the great lakes.)
WAINWRIGHT: Where?
NOG: Here. Right by that blue blob.
WAINWRIGHT: You mean your people are going to invade Cleveland?
NOG: No, not Cleveland. Right here.
(Nog elbows Wainwright and goes for his gun, but the remaining MP aims weapon at Nog.)
MP: Hold it!
GARLAND: Don't hurt him.
NOG: It was an accident. I tripped. I didn't mean to do it. I'm really, really, sorry.
WAINWRIGHT: Shoot him.
(Carlson hits the MP and Garland slams Wainwright over the head with a metal tray.)
NOG: Thank you.
QUARK: We're all grateful, but couldn't you have done that an hour ago?
CARLSON: We've got to get you out of here.
ROM: Won't you get in trouble for this?
QUARK: Why should they? We forced them to help us by using our er
GARLAND: Your insidious mind control powers.
QUARK: That's not bad.
NOG: For a primitive female, she's pretty smart.
CARLSON: Come on. Your ship's in hangar eighteen.
GARLAND: Come on.

[Outside the building]

GARLAND: (to MPs) Captain Wainwright needs to see you in examination room three.
(The MPs go inside, and Carlson and the Ferengis run for it.)
DENNING: Hold it right there.
QUARK: Stay back, or I'll disintegrate this hostage.
DENNING: With your finger?
QUARK: With my death ray.
DENNING: Looks a lot like a finger to me.
(The spare wheel on the jeep morphs into Odo, who knocks out the two MPs and then Denning.)
CARLSON: Who's he?
QUARK: My hero.
ODO: Can we please leave now?

[Outside Hangar 18]

NOG: You're sure they're going to be detonating an atomic bomb today?
GARLAND: That's what it said in the paper. Five a.m. at the proving grounds in Nevada. But I don't see how an atomic bomb is going to help you get home.
ROM: It's simple. We need to harness the beta radiation to trigger a cascade
QUARK: Save your breath. It's much too complicated for them to grasp.
CARLSON: Five a.m. That's seven minutes from now.
ROM: Don't worry. We'll get there.
QUARK: Thanks for your help. You may be humans, but you're okay by me.
GARLAND: You don't have to thank us. I only hope that one day mankind will travel to the stars, and take its place in a vast alliance of planets.
ROM: Federation of Planets.
GARLAND: Excuse me?
QUARK: Don't pay any attention to him. He's an idiot. Trust me, the galaxy is a pretty rough place. You people are much better off staying right here on Earth.
ODO: Let's go, Quark.
(The aliens leave.)
CARLSON: A vast alliance of planets. You get the craziest ideas.
(They kiss, then drive off as shuttle crashes through the hangar roof and flies off.)

[Outside the building]

WAINWRIGHT: What do we do now, General?
DENNING: About what, Captain? All we ever found was a crashed weather balloon.

[Ferengi shuttle]

ODO: Tell me again. What's going to happen when we get there?
ROM: We fly straight into the atomic explosion, expose the kemacite to the beta radiation and engage the warp engines. If we have enough kemacite, we should be able to create a reverse time warp and ride it home.
NOG: My dad. Always thinking.
ODO: If this doesn't work, I'm holding you personally responsible.
QUARK: I don't remember inviting you on this trip.
ROM: We're at the target site. Hold on!
(There's a flash and the mushroom cloud rises.)
QUARK: I don't like this.
ODO: Rom, tell your brother it's going to be all right.
ROM: It's going to be all right, brother. I hope.
(And the shuttle appears in space. The occupants wake up.)
NOG: Did we make it?
ROM: This doesn't look like the Divine Treasury.
QUARK: What year is this?
ROM: Good question.
ODO: What's that flashing indicator?
ROM: We're being hailed!
QUARK: Answer them, answer them!
HUMAN [OC]: This is Earth Orbital Control to the unidentified Ferengi vessel. Do you need assistance?
NOG: Yes. Definitely.
HUMAN [OC]: We'll send a ship to tractor you to a docking facility.
ROM: We'll be waiting. Well, son, it looks like you're going to get to Starfleet Academy after all.
QUARK: Just remember. Under that placid Federation veneer, humans are still a bunch of violent savages.
NOG: Maybe. But I like 'em.

[Airlock]

ROM: Oh, it's good to be home. I bet you can't wait to see the bar again.
QUARK: The bar? I could've ruled the galaxy, but now I have nothing. I don't even have my ship anymore.
ROM: Look on the bright side, brother. You may've had to sell your shuttle for salvage, but at least you got enough for our passage home.
QUARK: Wait 'til I get my hands on Cousin Gaila.
ODO: You're going to have to wait longer than you think. Let's go.
QUARK: What are you doing?
ODO: Taking you to a holding cell. Kemacite smuggling is a serious offence.
QUARK: But you have no evidence. We used all the rest of the kemacite to get back to the twenty fourth century.
ODO: Tell it to the Arbiter.
QUARK: I'm innocent, I tell you. This is all a misunderstanding. Rom, get me a lawyer
ROM: I'll contact Cousin Gaila. I'm sure he'll know a good one.
QUARK: Rom, you idiot!
ROM: See you in a few weeks, brother.

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