note - I can't be bothered to type out the lyrics to Vic's songs. I can
recommend the CD - This One's From The Heart - if
you want to listen to them. Peggy Lee does the best version of Fever,
in my opinion.)
[Las Vegas lounge]
James Darren finishes crooning 'You're Nobody 'til Somebody
Loves You' to an appreciative 1960's audience, and a select C24
group. I'm in love.)
VIC: Thank you. Hey, it's been four hundred years but that little
number still works for me.
BASHIR: Isn't he terrific?
WORF: I prefer Klingon opera.
BASHIR: Come on, I'll introduce you.
KIRA: To a hologram?
ODO: Doctor, is this really necessary?
BASHIR: Trust me, he's no ordinary hologram. Vic. You're terrific.
VIC: Thanks, Doc.
KIRA: Very nice.
VIC: I know what you're thinking. He has pretty sweet pipes for a light
DAX: Light bulb?
VIC: That's what I am, right? A collection of photons and forcefields.
You know, your basic heuristic, fully interactive hologram.
O'BRIEN: He knows he's a hologram?
BASHIR: Felix designed him that way. He thought it gave him the right
attitude for the era.
VIC: If you're going to work Vegas in the sixties, you'd better know
the score. otherwise, you're going to look like a Clyde.
KIRA: A Clyde?
VIC: A Harvey, you know.
VIC: A square. You know what a square is, right?
O'BRIEN: It's one side of a cube.
VIC: Well, I guess that answers my question. Where are your manners,
Julian? Aren't you going to introduce me to your entourage?
BASHIR: I am so sorry. Commanders Dax and Worf, this is Vic Fontaine.
VIC: How long you kids been married?
WORF: How did you know we were married?
VIC: When you sing in as many joints as I have, you become a student of
the human heart. (to O'Brien) Don't beat yourself up, pallie. Just
because you miss your wife, doesn't mean you've gone blind.
O'BRIEN: What's that supposed to mean?
VIC: It means there's a lot of very attractive ladies in the room and
it's all right to look at them as long as you don't touch.
O'BRIEN: He's good.
VIC: And as for you two.
VIC: Never mind. Forget I brought it up. You have time for another
BASHIR: Oh no, we've got to split, Vic.
VIC: Well, you know where to find me. By the way, this is a high class
joint. That means coat and ties for the gents, dresses for the ladies.
You guys look like a trapeze act.
BASHIR: Catch you later, baby.
O'BRIEN: Come on, Julian. You told him about Keiko.
BASHIR: I didn't say a word. So, why don't we all meet here tomorrow
night at twenty one hundred? We can listen to Vic's whole set, then
maybe hit the casinos, play a little blackjack, roulette.
DAX: We'll be there. Right?
WORF: I still prefer Klingon operas.
KIRA: Well count me out. I'm leaving for Bajor in the morning.
DAX: Oh, that's right. I forgot. Say hi to Shakaar for me. Sorry. I
forgot. Pretend you didn't hear that. She doesn't want anyone to know
that she's visiting the First Minister.
BASHIR: Business or pleasure?
KIRA: Now you see what you started?
DAX: I said I was sorry.
(Worf and Dax leave.)
BASHIR: So, what do you think?
O'BRIEN: About what?
BASHIR: About Vic. Clever, isn't he?
O'BRIEN: Too clever.
BASHIR: I tell you, I owe the man, Miles. If it wasn't for him, I
wouldn't be dating Ensign Walker.
O'BRIEN: What are you talking about?
BASHIR: She turned down three dinner invitations. I talked to Vic, he
gave me a few pointers and voila.
O'BRIEN: Julian, are you telling me that you discussed your love life
with a hologram?
BASHIR: He's not an ordinary hologram, Miles. He knows about life,
O'BRIEN: Three things you know nothing about.
BASHIR: Now that's a little unfair.
O'BRIEN: Well then, why are you asking for advice from a light bulb?
(Odo watches them hand over the programme rod and take their drinks to
QUARK: I don't know why you're so surprised. What
did you expect was going to happen?
ODO: I wasn't expecting anything.
QUARK: I see. How long has it been since Shakaar and Major Kira broke
ODO: I don't know. About a year.
QUARK: It's been over a year. You've had plenty of time to arrange a
merger with Kira. But in all that time, have you even tried to open
ODO: It's not that simple.
QUARK: Odo, the woman waited a year for you to make an offer, any kind
of an offer. Face it, you've had plenty of opportunities and you've let
them all slip away.
ODO: Who asked for your opinion?
QUARK: You did. I came here to talk about a missing shipment of groat
clusters. You're the one that started talking about the Major. You want
QUARK: Make it easy on both of us. Forget all about her.
ODO: Is that the best you can do?
QUARK: I'd like to see someone do better.
ODO: So would I.
QUARK: You're not exactly the most lovable person in the galaxy. You're
not even the most lovable person in this sector, or on the station. Or
even in this room. You're cold, rigid, remote. Can I leave now?
ODO: Please do. Wait.
QUARK: Odo, make up your mind.
ODO: I need a favour from you. It's about Doctor Bashir's new holosuite
QUARK: You're up late, Doctor.
BASHIR: Yeah, can't sleep. Feeling a bit tense, actually.
QUARK: I've got just the thing. One Warp Core Breach coming right up.
(He puts dry ice into a goldfish bowl, followed by coloured liquids.)
QUARK: A few sips of this and you'll be relaxed for the next three
BASHIR: I'm not that tense, Quark. Look, I think I'll just go up to the
holosuite for a bit and
QUARK: The holosuite?
BASHIR: Yes. If you could hand me my new programme
QUARK: Sorry, Doctor, all the holosuites are in use.
BASHIR: At this hour?
QUARK: It's been that kind of a night. I'm afraid there won't be one
available for the rest of this evening.
BASHIR: That's unfortunate. Maybe I'll go wake up Miles, play a little
[Las Vegas lounge]
(No audience, Vic in shirt sleeves.)
VIC: I remember back in must've been fifty eight, I was playing the
Sands. One night,
Dean dropped by. We ended up taking over one of the blackjack
tables. Between the three of us, we must've dropped fifteen big ones
and believe me, back then that wasn't chump change. So, Frank goes over
to the pit boss. What was his name?
ODO: Look, Mister Fontaine, I
ODO: Vic. These stories are all very interesting, but I didn't come
here to reminisce about your past. Yesterday, when my friends and I
were here, you seemed to know things.
VIC: I've been around the block a couple of times.
ODO: You seem to know specific things. For instance, Dax and Worf are
married, the Chief missed his wife.
VIC: You don't have to be an Einstein to clue into any of that.
ODO: At one point, you were going to make an observation about Major
Kira and myself.
VIC: I thought about it but I didn't want to embarrass anyone you know,
give away any secrets.
ODO: Exactly what secrets are you talking about?
VIC: C'mon, do I really have to connect the dots? You're crazy about
the broad but you're afraid to do anything about it. And she? Well, you
ODO: No. Go on.
VIC: It's the oldest story in the book. She thinks of you as a friend.
ODO: I wouldn't call that a secret.
VIC: But women have been known to change their minds. You just have to
give them a reason.
ODO: You make it sound so easy.
VIC: That's because it's not that hard. The girl already likes you.
That means you're halfway home.
ODO: She's aware of my feelings toward her, but the truth is she
ODO: The First Minister of Bajor. He's a leader, a hero, a man with
VIC: I don't care if he's JFK. It's not the other guy you have to worry
about, it's you.
VIC: That's right. I mean, for starters you've got to lose this whole
Nanook of the North thing.
ODO: I don't understand.
VIC: Well, you've got about as much personality as an icicle. Cool is
one thing, but you're frozen solid.
ODO: You think I have no emotions. Believe me, I do. I just don't
always show them.
VIC: And therein lies the problem. Come with me.
ODO: Where to?
VIC: Look, pallie, if you want to win the girl, we got to thaw you out
a little bit. You know, turn up the heat, get those emotions you claim
to have bubbling to the surface. It's time to have some fun.
ODO: What does fun have to do with Major Kira?
VIC: I'll pretend I didn't hear that. First, let's lose those threads.
I mean, here's nothing like a tuxedo to make you feel like a million
ODO: You mean something like this?
(Odo morphs his uniform into a tuxedo and bow tie. Very smart.)
VIC: Very sharp. After you.
ODO: Oh, I don't sing.
VIC: Glad to hear it. I don't need the competition. What I do need is
someone to handle the black and whites. My piano player just threw ten
sevens in a row at the craps table and took off for Reno. So have a
seat, my friend, the crowd's getting restless.
ODO: What crowd?
VIC: That one.
(And there they all are. Odo sits at the grand piano on the stage. The
rest of the band have appeared too.)
VIC: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Vic Fontaine. And tonight
is going to be a gas. Hit it, Nanook.
ODO: No, I don't play the piano.
VIC: You want to bet?
(The piano plays 'Come Fly with Me' with and without Odo's help.)
VIC: Stay with me, pallie.
ODO: You don't need me. The piano's doing all the work.
VIC: That's not the point. You've got to sell it. Style, baby, style.
Make 'em believe.
(So we are treated to the whole song, and Odo settles into the role of
jazz pianist. At the end he gets a great round of applause.)
ODO: No, it's nothing. Cool!
[Vic's hotel suite]
(Odo is still caught up with his new talent while
Vic pours them both a drink.)
VIC: Bottoms up.
ODO: No, I don't drink.
VIC: Why am I not surprised? It's not real booze. You're in a
holosuite, remember? How'd you like being in the spotlight?
ODO: Very bright.
VIC: That's all you've got to say?
ODO: The lights kept me from seeing the audience. I suppose that's why
I wasn't nervous.
VIC: Nothing to be nervous about. You were too busy having fun.
ODO: I suppose I was. I'm just grateful none of my friends saw me.
VIC: There you go, tensing up again. Look at you. I mean, you're
standing there like a statue. I mean, the only things you're going to
attract are pigeons. Sit down. Relax. Take a couple of deep breaths.
You do that and everything you want will come to you.
ODO: That's all it takes?
VIC: Try it. Go on.
(A knock on the door.)
ODO: Are you expecting someone?
VIC: Let's find out.
(Two showgirls are there, blonde and brunette)
GINGER: (Blonde) Surprise!
VIC: Well for crying out loud. What are you two lovely ladies doing
MELISSA: You invited us, remember?
VIC: Oh, that's right. Come on in. Odo, we've got company.
GINGER: Look, it's the piano player. We saw you perform tonight.
Melissa thinks you're adorable.
MELISSA: Would you mind if I looked at your hands?
VIC: Show her your hands.
MELISSA: I knew it. They're so artistic.
GINGER: You know, I once played on the same bill with Liberace. He has
the sweetest dimples.
MELISSA: Are you classically trained?
ODO: No, actually I. Vic taught me everything I know.
MELISSA: Is he a good student?
VIC: Head of his class.
MELISSA: Maybe I can help you get your diploma.
VIC: All right, ladies. The night is young and I have a table waiting
for us at the Dunes.
GINGER: We're going to see Shecky?
ODO: Shecky who?
MELISSA: Oh, you didn't tell me he had a sense of humour.
GINGER: He plays the piano and he's funny. Kind of like
MELISSA: I think I'm in love.
VIC: After you, ladies.
(Ginger and Melissa leave.)
ODO: I don't think
VIC: What are you worried about? Melissa's a very nice girl.
ODO: Oh, I'm sure she is. It's just she's not Kira.
VIC: Tell me something, how do you get to Carnegie Hall?
ODO: I have no idea.
VIC: Practice, practice, practice. Get it?
VIC: Think of this evening as a trial run. Trust me, you're going to do
ODO: Captain, here's the report on that smuggling
ring you requested. Should I forward the information to the Zevian
SISKO: I'll let you know in a minute.
(As Sisko reads the PADD, Odo begins humming 'The Way You Wear Your
ODO: (singing) No, no, they can't take that away from me. The way your
smile just beams.
(Sisko is clicking his fingers to the beat.)
ODO: Yes, Captain?
SISKO: Oh, don't stop on my account.
ODO: Stop what?
SISKO: You were singing.
ODO: I was singing?
SISKO: (sings) No, no, they can't take that away from me.
ODO: You're right. I was singing. They can't take that away from me.
SISKO + ODO: We may never, never meet again on that bumpy road to love.
(Dax is calls for the turbolift. One arrives with Bashir already on
DAX: Ops. I wonder, should you ask Kira about Shakaar or should I?
BASHIR: Why don't you do the honours. But you'll have to wait. She's
staying on Bajor for two more days.
DAX: She and Shakaar must be having a good time.
BASHIR: That'd be my guess.
DAX: Poor Odo.
BASHIR: Odo? What's he got to do with it?
DAX: Not a thing. That's the problem.
(A datarod is handed over to Odo.)
QUARK: Have fun.
[Las Vegas lounge]
(Odo and Vic have just finished another number.)
VIC: Thank you. Thank you for that kind applause. Keep clapping.
There's a fly buzzing the room and one of you is bound to nail him. Why
the long face, buddy boy?
ODO: You still haven't told me what I'm supposed to do about Kira and
VIC: Shakaar? Forget about that fink. I'll bet he doesn't look half as
good in a tux as you do.
ODO: What difference does that make?
VIC: You've been coming here every night for a week. Have I steered you
VIC: Then trust your Uncle Vic. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a very
special surprise for you tonight. If this babe doesn't raise your
temperature, you'd better check the obituary column, because chances
are you're in it, pallie. Let's have a nice warm round of applause for
Miss Lola Crystal.
(And a hologram dead ringer for Kira sings an abridged version of
VIC: Remind you of anyone?
(Lola ends up draped over the piano.)
VIC: Don't look now, but I think she likes you.
[Vic's hotel suite]
(A champagne fountain is being poured.)
VIC: A toast. As Georgie Jessel once said, 'To
whatever makes you happy.'
LOLA: My thoughts exactly.
VIC: I'm going to turn in. You two lovebirds can live without me, I
LOLA: We'll manage.
(Vic leaves, Lola lights a cigarette.)
ODO: You have a beautiful voice.
LOLA: And you have beautiful hands.
ODO: So I've been told.
(Lola guides them to her bare shoulders.)
LOLA: They feel good, too.
ODO: So do you. I've been waiting to hold you like this for as long as
I can remember.
LOLA: We just met tonight.
ODO: I must have a short memory.
LOLA: You're funny.
ODO: Kind of like Victor Borge?
LOLA: How'd you know?
(They nearly kiss.)
ODO: I can't. I can't do this.
LOLA: Why not?
ODO: I'm sorry, it has nothing to do with you. Vic! Vic!
VIC: What's wrong?
ODO: This isn't working.
VIC: I thought you two were getting along just fine.
ODO: Of course we are. You programmed her to find me irresistible. I
could read her a criminal activities report, she'd think it was poetry.
VIC: You want me to reprogramme her, make her play hard to get?
ODO: She's nothing like Kira.
LOLA: Who's Kira?
VIC: Of course she's not Kira. She's a hologram.
LOLA: A what?
VIC: Sweetheart, please. Stay out of this. Do you know how difficult it
was for me to get a holographic image of Major Kira? Lucky for you,
Julian used her image in one of his spy programmes, though it did take
me an hour to get rid of the Russian accent.
ODO: Look, I appreciate what you've done for me, but I'm afraid it's
all been in vain. I may be Romeo in the holosuite, but I know the first
time I see the real Kira, I'm going to turn back into Nanook of the
VIC: At least you're starting to talk the talk.
ODO: I was hoping for a bit more than that.
VIC: Wait. Wait a minute. You can't give up now.
ODO: I'm sorry, but I am tired of discussing my feelings with a
LOLA: You're a hologram too?
KIRA: Odo, hello.
KIRA: Anything interesting happen while I was gone?
ODO: Interesting? No, no, nothing at all. As a matter of fact, it's
been rather dull.
KIRA: I'm sorry to hear that.
ODO: Well, I'd better get back to work.
(Kira is meditating, surrounded by a multitude of
VIC: Hey, doll face. You asleep?
KIRA: How the hell did you get in here?
VIC: I'm performing next door for Dax and Worf. I'm between sets, so I
transferred my matrix from that holosuite to this one. Now, I don't
have much time.
KIRA: What do you want?
VIC: We have to talk.
KIRA: About what?
VIC: Odo, what else?
VIC: Come on, Major, don't be coy. We both know he's nuts about you.
KIRA: He told you that?
VIC: He tells me everything. We've been spending a lot of time
KIRA: Odo spending time in a holosuite?
VIC: And loving it.
KIRA: I'm sorry. That's just not the Odo I know.
VIC: Which tells you what? You don't know him as well as you think you
do. He's not the same stick in the mud anymore. The cat can swing.
KIRA: Are we're talking about the same Odo?
VIC: The one and only. But let me tell you, the only chick he wants to
swing with is you.
KIRA: I take it that's a good thing.
VIC: It's love, baby. Nothing better than that.
KIRA: How did you get in here again?
VIC: Don't try to change the subject. We're talking about you and Odo.
KIRA: No, that's what you're talking about. I'm trying to meditate.
VIC: And I don't mean to interrupt.
KIRA: Good. Then leave.
VIC: Talk about your cranky aliens. You two really are made for each
other. Which is why you've got to come to the holosuite tonight.
KIRA: What for?
VIC: So you and Odo can have dinner together.
KIRA: If Odo wants to have dinner with me, then why doesn't he ask me
VIC: Because I'm asking you for him, and neither one of us will take no
for an answer.
KIRA: Then I better say yes.
VIC [OC]: Odo? Can you hear me?
ODO: Vic? What are you doing on the comm. line?
VIC [OC]: I need to talk to you. I want you to come to the holosuite
VIC [OC]: I've done a complete overhaul on the Lola hologram or should
I say the Kira hologram? I'm telling you, Odo, you're going to think
she's the real thing. She walks like Kira, she talks like Kira.
ODO: Really? How did you manage to accomplish that?
VIC [OC]: I don't have time to explain now. I'll see you tonight, nine
o'clock. That's twenty one hundred to you.
ODO: I know.
VIC [OC]: I'll see you then, pallie.
[Las Vegas lounge]
(There's just one table, set for a romantic dinner
for two. Kira is in a dress, Odo in his tuxedo.)
VIC: I believe you two know each other.
ODO: You look lovely.
KIRA: Thank you. So do you.
VIC: Mademoiselle. I'll be your server this evening. I'll try not to
spill anything. To begin, a little Dom Perignon fifty five and some
oysters Rockefeller. To be followed by Caesar salad, chateaubriand, and
KIRA: This is all very interesting, but don't you feel a little silly
being here in a holosuite?
ODO: A bit.
VIC: Let me know when you're ready for the salad.
ODO: Bon appétit. It's French, an Earth language. It means enjoy your
KIRA: I didn't know you spoke French.
ODO: I don't. It's something I learned from Vic. French is ze language
KIRA: Vic's a fountain of information.
ODO: He's certainly a man of many talents. But we're really not here to
talk about Vic, are we?
KIRA: I'm certainly not.
ODO: I always wondered what this would be like.
KIRA: The two of us having dinner together?
ODO: It's certainly not the way I pictured it would be.
KIRA: It is a bit unusual.
ODO: Is something wrong? You haven't touched your food.
KIRA: No, it looks delicious. I'm not hungry. The truth is, I'm a
ODO: You? Nervous?
KIRA: A bit. It is our first date, right?
ODO: Right. Well, there's nothing wrong with being a little nervous as
long it doesn't get in the way.
KIRA: Of what?
ODO: Of enjoying yourself.
KIRA: I thought the only thing you enjoy is your work.
ODO: How'd you know that?
KIRA: You told me yourself.
ODO: Well done, Vic.
ODO: Never mind. I do enjoy my work, but I'm afraid I've used it as an
excuse to avoid the rest of my life.
KIRA: I know the feeling.
(Vic sings 'I've Got You Under My Skin.')
KIRA: It's a pretty song.
ODO: It is, isn't it? You're sure you're not hungry?
KIRA: Sure. What do we do now?
ODO: Only one thing we can do. Dance with me.
KIRA: I'm not sure I know how to dance to this kind of music.
ODO: Just stay close.
(Kira keeps looking down at her feet.)
ODO: No, that's good.
(They settle into it, and Odo throws her into a turn.
KIRA: I had no idea you could dance.
ODO: It's amazing what you can learn in a holosuite.
KIRA: I can't believe we're having our first date in a holosuite. I
understand that you wouldn't feel comfortable at Quark's, but I know
one or two out of the way restaurants on the station.
ODO: I don't think that's possible.
KIRA: Are you embarrassed to be seen with me?
ODO: No, no, I meant it would be difficult for you to leave the
(The song finishes.)
ODO: It's complicated.
KIRA: Complicated to leave a holosuite? You make it sound like I'm a
ODO: Aren't you?
KIRA: Is that what you think?
ODO: Maybe you'd better tell her.
VIC: There's nothing to tell. I'm good, pallie, but I'm not that good.
You've been dancing with the real McCoy.
ODO: You tricked me.
KIRA: And me.
VIC: Hey, I brought you two lovebirds together. That was the whole
idea, wasn't it?
ODO: Nerys. Kira. Major.
VIC: Don't say it. Computer end programme.
VIC [OC]: Odo? Are you there?
ODO: I have nothing to say to you.
VIC [OC]: Look, I know you think I sold you down the river.
ODO: You lied to me.
VIC [OC]: It was for your own good. It was time for you to stop playing
around with holograms and start playing around with the real thing.
ODO: You should have told me it was really Kira.
VIC [OC]: Would you have shown up if I had? I don't hear an answer,
pallie. If you think about it, there's not much to be mad about. I saw
the way she looked at you while the two of you were dancing. The lady
digs you big time.
ODO: She digs Shakaar. I can only imagine what she thinks of me. I kept
insisting she was a hologram.
VIC [OC]: Odo, listen to me.
ODO: No, I'm done listening to you. Computer, end transmission.
DAX: Are you going to tell me what's wrong?
KIRA: Oh, there's nothing's wrong. Have you ever had a moment of pure
clarity? A moment where the truth just seems to leap up and grab you by
DAX: I bet this has something to do with your visit with Shakaar.
KIRA: This has nothing to do with Shakaar. Now tell me, have you ever
had a moment like that?
DAX: One or two. Of course, that's over a span of seven lifetimes.
KIRA: Only two moments of clarity in seven lifetimes?
DAX: Nerys, total clarity is a very rare thing.
KIRA: I guess so.
DAX: And when it comes to you, it's important that you act on it,
because believe me, confusion and doubt will take over before you know
(Odo comes out of his office and hands a PADD to a security man.)
ODO: Check this out.
KIRA: You're absolutely right. It makes perfect sense.
DAX: Don't tell me you're having another moment of clarity?
KIRA: That's two in two days.
DAX: That's amazing.
(Kira rushes off.)
KIRA: Odo, wait.
ODO: Major, if you don't mind, I'd like to forget all about the last
KIRA: No, I don't think that's a good idea. We need to talk about what
ODO: Very well. We can meet in my office in an hour.
KIRA: No, let's discuss it over dinner.
KIRA: You can choose the restaurant. Anywhere but a holosuite.
ODO: What about Shakaar? Do you think he'll approve?
KIRA: I don't care if he approves or not. Shakaar and I are friends.
That's all, friends. The First Minister asked me to update him on the
war with the Dominion. My visit was strictly business. Now, are we
going to have dinner together or not?
(Their voices get louder and louder.)
ODO: And if we do, then what?
KIRA: I don't know. Maybe we could go dancing.
ODO: And after that I suppose you'll expect me to kiss you.
KIRA: Well, it's possible.
ODO: Then who needs dinner? Why don't I get it over with and kiss you
KIRA: Well why don't you?
(So he does, long and hard. Everyone gathers to watch. Quark, Morn,
Dax, passers-by. Somewhere a sax plays I've Got You Under My Skin.)
KIRA: You're right. Who needs dinner?
VIC [OC]: Cos I've got you under my skin. Cos I've got you under my
(And they kiss again.)
[Las Vegas lounge]
(Vic finishes singing 'I've Got You Under My
VIC: Here in Vegas, there's only one way to make sure you don't lose
any money. The moment you step off the plane, you walk right into the
propellers. See you in a few minutes, folks. Odo. Hey, long time no
ODO: Well, I've been busy.
VIC: So I hear. Julian tells me that you and the Major are quite an
ODO: Well, for the moment. Who knows how long it'll last.
VIC: That's my Odo. Always ready to turn victory into defeat.
ODO: I wanted to thank you for all your help.
VIC: Anytime, pallie, anytime. Hey, you feel like sitting in on a
ODO: Some other time.
VIC: Say hi to the Major for me.
(Odo starts to leave.)
VIC: Hey, do me a favour? Leave the programme running for a few minutes
after you leave. I feel like singing.
ODO: Whatever makes you happy.
(Vic starts singing 'Come Fly With Me.')