(As the time rotor goes gently up and down, the
Doctor is lying on the floor playing chess with K9.)
DOCTOR: Rook to bishop's four.
(He stops his clock and starts K9's.)
DOCTOR: I saw Capablanca make that move against Alekhine in 1927.
K9: He lost, master.
DOCTOR: Are you sure?
K9: Master, I have been programmed with all the Championship games
since 1866. Capablanca lost.
DOCTOR: I must have been called away. Are you really sure?
K9: King to knight's two.
(The Doctor moves the white King for him.)
DOCTOR: King to knight's two. King? That's a terrible move. You've
weakened the king's side.
K9: Clock, master.
DOCTOR: I know, I know. I'll check your programming sometime. We're not
supposed to be playing draughts, you know.
(Romana enters, wearing her original long white gown.)
ROMANA: What are you doing, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Shush. We're playing chess.
ROMANA: Yes, I can see that, but aren't you forgetting something?
DOCTOR: I don't think so.
ROMANA: What about our task? The Key to Time, remember?
DOCTOR: Oh, that old thing.
ROMANA: Yes, that old thing. The Guardian did stress the need for
urgency, didn't he?
ROMANA: I'll do it.
DOCTOR: If you must.
(Romana puts the tracer into the hole in the console.)
DOCTOR: I just feel I deserve a little break. After all, we've got half
the segments. I prefer to play chess.
ROMANA: Really. Materialisation in fifteen seconds. Mate in twelve.
K9: Correction, mistress. Eleven.
ROMANA: Eleven? Oh yes. Sorry, K9.
K9: Apologies are unnecessary, mistress.
DOCTOR: Mate in eleven? Oh yes, oh yes. Well, that's the trouble with
chess, isn't it. It's all so predictable.
ROMANA: Materialisation commencing now. Five, four, three, two, one.
(Romana gently pulls back a control and the Tardis appears amongst a
stand of silver birch.)
ROMANA: Was that smooth enough for you, Doctor?
ROMANA: I said, was that smooth enough?
DOCTOR: Mate in eleven? What, have we arrived? Oh good. Where?
ROMANA: Earth-type gravity, oxygen atmosphere, climate, temperate.
DOCTOR: Ah. Peaceful looking place. That shouldn't give you too much
DOCTOR: I think it's rather beautiful, don't you? Very good for. Yes, I
think it would be.
DOCTOR: Shouldn't you be getting changed?
ROMANA: Oh yes, all right.
[Tardis side room]
(Which contains a rack of costumes on hangars.)
ROMANA: Tara, Tara. Tahiti?
(A grass skirt and lei.)
ROMANA: No. Tally ho. Tara!
(The Doctor opens a cupboard directly in front of
the camera and removes a bunch of fake flowers and a pair of
ROMANA [OC]: What are you looking for?
DOCTOR: Well, it's in here somewhere.
ROMANA [OC]: I said, what are you looking for?
DOCTOR: Aha! Aha! Goody. Gosh, that takes me back.
(It's a fishing rod.)
DOCTOR: Or forward. That's the trouble with time travel, you can never
ROMANA [OC]: What is it?
DOCTOR: Last time I used this, I was with Isaak Walton. Yes. Yes, it's
(Romana enters in her new satin semi-cossack outfit - calf length coat
over green trousers tucked into leather boots, and matching top hat
with green trim. It's a Mary Tamm exclusive design.)
ROMANA: Well, how do you like it? Good. According to our records, it's
what everyone on Tara's wearing this year. Isn't that right, K9?
[Outside the Tardis]
(There are sounds of the jungle, with monkeys
chattering and birds of paradise calling, and the tracer clicking like
ROMANA: Where are you going?
ROMANA: Fishing? What's fishing?
DOCTOR: Fishing? It's an art, worthy of the knowledge and practise of a
wise man. Isaak Walton
ROMANA: Look, we haven't got time for you to practise anything. We've
got to find the fourth segment.
DOCTOR: You find it. I'm taking the day off.
ROMANA: The day off?
DOCTOR: Yes. After a journey of four hundred years and twelve parsecs,
I'm allowed a rest of fifty years.
ROMANA: Where does it say that?
DOCTOR: Section ninety three, paragraph two, laws governing Time Lords.
You look it up. Go on.
ROMANA: What? You just made that up.
[By the river]
ROMANA: But you can't just spent the fifty years
DOCTOR: Well, of course not. I'd get bored. I just propose to spend the
next couple of hours fishing.
ROMANA: But what about the fourth segment?
DOCTOR: You get it.
ROMANA: Right, I will.
DOCTOR: Yes, you do that. It's a lovely day, beautiful countryside. The
walk will do you good.
ROMANA: Thank you.
DOCTOR: Would you just mind standing aside, please? You're casting a
shadow. It frightens the fish.
ROMANA: Frightens the fish. Look, I'm going to get that fourth segment
and I'll be back here in under an hour. You be ready to leave.
(Romana leaves the Doctor, and crosses a small
stream by some handy stepping stones. She follows the tracer signal
through a well-tended piece of woodland. Something is watching here,
hidden by the giant rhubarb leaves. It growls. Finally she comes to a
statue near a semi-derelict mill. It is a rough image, either of
Michael and the devil or George and the dragon. Same basic design - man
with spear and shield standing victorious over a dead monster. Romana
touches the creature's snout and it transforms into the fourth segment.
That was far too easy. An ape-like creature with massive canine teeth
appears out of the giant rhubarb. Romana backs away, and a man in
armour comes to her rescue.)
GRENDEL: Here, beast!
(His rapier gives off an electric charge with each hit. The creature
retreats across the stream. Romana's rescuer lifts his visor to reveal
himself as a man of middle years with neatly trimmed moustache and
GRENDEL: It's incredible!
ROMANA: I don't know how to thank you. If you hadn't have come along
when you did, that beast would have got me. What's your name?
GRENDEL: My name? Er, you're not damaged in any way?
ROMANA: No, no, I just stumbled slightly, that's all.
GRENDEL: Your head isn't injured?
ROMANA: No, I don't think so. There's no harm done. I'm sorry if you're
somebody frightfully important, but I'm a stranger here, you see. My
GRENDEL: Ah, the fair Romana. That's a pretty name.
ROMANA: Thank you. Tell me, are there many creatures like that around
here? I understood that the fauna of Tara were supposed to be friendly.
GRENDEL: I always keep some beasts in my woods to hunt, but they don't
usually attack people unless they're frightened in some way.
ROMANA: Your woods?
GRENDEL: Yes. These are part of the estates of Gracht. What a curiously
(He takes the fourth segment.)
(Romana stumbles reaching for it.)
GRENDEL: Oh, have you hurt your ankle?
ROMANA: No, no, it's nothing, really. Could I have my stone, please?
GRENDEL: Of course, as soon as its been registered.
GRENDEL: Yes. Do you not know the law?
ROMANA: No. As I said, I'm a stranger here.
GRENDEL: The law decrees that all minerals, particularly unusual ones
like of this kind, must be registered with the Knight of Castle Gracht.
ROMANA: Who's that?
GRENDEL: Me. I am Count Grendel, Knight of Gracht, Master of the Sword.
ROMANA: Oh, I see.
GRENDEL: What's happened to the statue?
ROMANA: Is it important?
GRENDEL: Only to superstitious fools.
GRENDEL: It's our family emblem. At least, it was. It's supposed to
guard our fortunes. How very odd.
ROMANA: Look, I'm sorry, but I really must
GRENDEL: It's of no importance. What is important is to get that ankle
of your attended to.
ROMANA: It's nothing, really.
GRENDEL: I shall take you to my castle. My steward can register your
stone while my surgeon attends to your injury.
ROMANA: Look, it's very kind of you, but I really couldn't
GRENDEL: Then I shall provide you with a mount and an escort to take
you wherever you wish.
ROMANA: It's just a question of time.
GRENDEL: An hour, no more. What's an hour out of your life?
(Grendel picks up Romana in his arms.)
GRENDEL: I shall not take no for an answer.
(Grendel carries Romana to his steed, a white horse that is waiting
patiently for him.)
ROMANA: What's that? Is it yours?
GRENDEL: My favourite charger. Strong as a tree and swift as the wind.
ROMANA: Well, how does it go? What makes it work?
GRENDEL: Good heavens, I don't know, my dear.
ROMANA: You don't?
GRENDEL: I'm a knight, not a farrier.
[By the river]
(The Doctor is wakened by the smell of burning
from his hat brim. A young knight has touched one of those electric
rapiers to it.)
DOCTOR: Do you mind not standing on my chest? My hat's on fire. I don't
think we've met before.
(A second older man speaks.)
ZADEK: Who are you?
ZADEK: Who are you?
DOCTOR: Call me Doctor.
ZADEK: What are you doing here?
DOCTOR: Oh, fishing.
ZADEK: This is Prince Reynart's hunting estate.
(The Doctor leaps to his feet.)
DOCTOR: What? Prince Reynart?
DOCTOR: I've never heard of him. Decent sort of chap, is he?
FARRAH: Shall I kill him, Swordmaster?
DOCTOR: No, no, that won't be necessary.
(The Doctor accidentally touches the tip of the rapier and gets a
shock. He takes the weapon from the young man.)
DOCTOR: Good heavens, electrically charged. The control's in the hilt,
(He hands the rapier back.)
ZADEK: You know about such things?
DOCTOR: Well, I've travelled.
FARRAH: He said he was a doctor.
ZADEK: You know about machines, electronics?
DOCTOR: A little.
ZADEK: You don't look like a peasant.
DOCTOR: Well, of course not. I've travelled.
ZADEK: But you have certain skills. Can you mend an android?
DOCTOR: What? What did you just say?
ZADEK: An android.
DOCTOR: I thought you said an android. What's wrong with it?
ZADEK: It won't go.
DOCTOR: Why don't you just try your local android dealer?
FARRAH: Shall I kill him now, Swordmaster?
DOCTOR: Look, that isn't necessary. You see, I'd really love to help
you out but I'm frightfully busy and where is this android?
[Castle - west view]
(Welcome to Leeds Castle, Kent, with a few Disney
towers stuck on for effect.)
GRENDEL: There is Castle Gracht, my dear.
ROMANA: It's beautiful.
GRENDEL: It's the ancient home of the Grendels of Gracht. And it's
quite, quite escape-proof, I'm glad to say.
(A hunchback runs across the courtyard.)
TILL: My lord is come! Open the gate!
(The big double gates swing open as Grendel and Romana ride across the
moat bridge and into the courtyard. The gates swing silently closed
again afterwards. Grendel lifts Romana down from the horse.)
GRENDEL: There, that wasn't too bad, was it?
ROMANA: There's no need to carry me. I can still walk.
GRENDEL: Fetch Madame Lamia.
GRENDEL: She's my surgeon. Come, my dear.
(A curious mix of old and new. A curtained Tester
over an examination couch, computers and earthenware jugs, chemical
retorts and a carved wooden chair. Grendel carries Romana in and lays
her on the couch.)
ROMANA: Oh, thank you. You won't forget to register my stone, will you?
ROMANA: My stone.
GRENDEL: Oh, no, no, of course not, my dear.
(A woman enters.)
LAMIA: I got your message.
GRENDEL: Oh, Romana, my dear, this is Madame Lamia, my
ROMANA: Hello. Engineer?
LAMIA: I don't believe it.
(Lamia examines Romana's head.)
ROMANA: What's the matter?
LAMIA: It's incredible. It's a marvellous job. Who did it?
GRENDEL: The question is not so much who, my dear, as why.
LAMIA: I'm a peasant. I leave politics to my betters.
GRENDEL: Very wise of you, my dear.
ROMANA: Now look, I don't know what all this is about, but I must
GRENDEL: Restrain her.
(Lamia takes a box from her pocket and presses a button. Curved bars
come out of the couch and over Romana's chest and ankles.)
LAMIA: What do you want me to do with her, my lord?
GRENDEL: Well, we can't have her running around the kingdom.
Disassemble her. We can cannibalise her for parts.
ROMANA: What parts? Now, wait a minute.
GRENDEL: I should like to keep the head. You're right, it really is
(Lamia picks up an electric carving knife.)
DOCTOR: Ahem, you're standing on my scarf.
FARRAH: I'm terribly sorry.
(Farrah cuts through the scarf with his rapier.)
DOCTOR: If you don't stop burning my scarf, you're going to have to
(An elegant man enters with Zadek.)
REYNART: Doctor, you must forgive Swordsman Farrah. He tends to get
overenthusiastic in the pursuit of his duties.
DOCTOR: Perhaps he does
REYNART: But particularly in defence of his prince.
DOCTOR: Well, maybe he does get too enthusiastic in the course of his
duty. What about my scarf?
ZADEK: Peasant, you will speak with respect when you address Prince
Reynart of Tara.
DOCTOR: I told you, I'm not a peasant.
REYNART: But you do know about androids.
DOCTOR: Well, that depends.
ZADEK: On what?
REYNART: On how we treat him, obviously.
(The Doctor sits, and gets another near miss with Farrah's rapier. He
REYNART: So you're not a peasant.
REYNART: Very well, I'll make you an offer. One thousand gold pieces if
you can mend our android.
DOCTOR: One thousand gold pieces? Pfft. Do you think you can buy me for
money? Ha! Five hundred.
DOCTOR: Suppose I can't mend the android?
ZADEK: Then we shall give you to Swordsman Farrah for sword practice.
REYNART: No, we won't, Zadek. This man is obviously a gentleman. If he
can mend our android, we shall reward him. If he cannot, you have my
word, Doctor, you will come to no harm. You may go free.
DOCTOR: Thank you.
(The Doctor opens the front door. There is a swordsman standing there.)
REYNART: Wait. The android?
DOCTOR: Oh yes, yes. Where? Excuse me.
Reynart goes to the other side of the room and removes a blanket from a
faceless android wearing similar clothes to Lamia.)
REYNART: There he is, Doctor.
(The Doctor polishes its eyeballs.)
(Lamia is drawing a line across Romana's throat.)
GRENDEL: I always enjoy watching you work, my dear.
LAMIA: Thank you, my lord. I shall make the cut here.
ROMANA: Count, far be it from me to query this lady's competency as a
doctor, but where I come from you don't cut off the patient's head if
you wish to cure their ankle!
GRENDEL: Yes, there was supposed to be something wrong with its ankle.
(Lamia removes Romana's right boot.)
LAMIA: It's swollen.
ROMANA: Well, what did you expect?
LAMIA: Extraordinary. If I didn't know better, my lord.
(Lamia checks the back of Romana's head.)
LAMIA: She is not an android.
LAMIA: She is real.
GRENDEL: Well, you can keep your head, my dear. I may have a better use
DOCTOR: That's not bad. I have seen better.
REYNART: Don't you sometimes wish, Zadek, that our fathers had
permitted us to learn peasant skills?
ZADEK: No, your highness. If we'd have meant to have been peasants,
we'd have been born peasants.
REYNART: Perhaps you're right, Zadek. Well, Doctor, can it be fixed?
DOCTOR: Well, that depends. Fixed for what?
(Zadek fetches a box.)
REYNART: For one thing, it must wear this.
(A Reynart face mask.)
REYNART: Tomorrow, at the appropriate hour fixed by the astrologers, in
the great Coronation room of the Palace of Tara, I am to be crowned
DOCTOR: Well, congratulations.
REYNART: They will be in order if I get there.
DOCTOR: Why? What's to stop you?
REYNART: Count Grendel of Gracht.
REYNART: He'll kill me if he needs to. After all, you can't crown a
dead Prince. Grendel and his men will be watching every entrance to the
palace to prevent my getting to the Coronation room at the ordained
REYNART: If I fail to appear at the right moment, I forfeit my right to
DOCTOR: Ah. And that's when Grendel of Gracht steps in?
REYNART: The only other contender for the throne is the Princess
Strella, but she disappeared some time ago. Nobody knows where she is.
DOCTOR: Where does George come into all this?
ZADEK: There have been three attempts on his Highness's life already.
The next one could be successful.
DOCTOR: Ah, I see. Let them attack George here instead of the Prince.
REYNART: Precisely. We use George, the android copy of me to create a
diversion, to distract their attention.
DOCTOR: And draw their fire.
REYNART: To draw their fire, while we slip past the guards into the
Coronation room. What do you think, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Well, it has been done before.
(Romana sneaks the tracer out of her belt and up
her right sleeve while Grendel and Lamia talk.)
LAMIA: I don't like it.
GRENDEL: I'm not asking you to like it, just do it.
LAMIA: Is it wise? Think of the risk.
GRENDEL: You question my commands?
LAMIA: No, my lord, of course not.
GRENDEL: Then do what I tell you or I shall have you flogged, and don't
imagine that I won't.
LAMIA: Yes, my lord.
(Lamia fills a hypodermic syringe while Grendel rolls up Romana's left
ROMANA: What are you doing? What? No! Please, no! Ah.
(Lamia injects Romana, who passes out.)
GEORGE: Congratulations, Doctor. Thank you. And
now if you will forgive me, gentlemen, I must retire.
(The Reynart in the gold jacket gets up and heads for an inner door.)
GEORGE: Goodnight, gentlemen.
(The Prince and the android bow to each other, and the android leaves.)
REYNART: Excellent! Farrah, bring wine. Do you know, it's quite eerie
seeing oneself walk and talk like that. I never thought I'd see that
thing going again.
DOCTOR: Well, it'll do for now, but if I'd had the proper tools I could
have done a much better job.
REYNART: It's good enough to fool Grendel and his men, don't you think
ZADEK: I hope so, your Highness, for our sake.
REYNART: Oh, Zadek, always the pessimist. Thank you, Doctor.
DOCTOR: My pleasure.
(Zadek puts a heavy leather pouch on the table.)
ZADEK: Five hundred gold pieces.
REYNART: You wouldn't be interested in permanent employment, would you,
DOCTOR: No, no, no, I'm sorry, I'm otherwise engaged.
(Farrah returns with a tray with a flagon and goblets.)
REYNART: Pity. Still, you will stay and drink a toast to our success
for tomorrow, won't you?
DOCTOR: All right.
REYNART: One of our local wines. Modest, demure, but palatable. Join
FARRAH: Thank you, your Highness.
DOCTOR: You look better without your helmet.
FARRAH: Cooler, anyway.
ZADEK: With your permission, your Highness. To the King.
DOCTOR: To the King.
FARRAH: To the King.
REYNART: Not yet. Tomorrow, perhaps, thanks to the Doctor.
(Reynart refills the Doctor's goblet.)
DOCTOR: Thank you.
FARRAH: To the Doctor.
REYNART: The Doctor.
(Reynart takes one mouthful and stops.)
FARRAH: Your Highness?
(Reynart falls forward over the table, then Farrah tries to draw his
rapier and collapses, and Zadek falls across a chair.)
DOCTOR: Potent stuff.
(The Doctor staggers to the door, opens it, then collapses at the feet
of Count Grendel.)
FARRAH: Wake up!
DOCTOR: So much for the local wine.
(Farrah has his rapier at the Doctor's throat.)
FARRAH: Wake up, you traitor!
FARRAH: I want you to be totally conscious when I kill you.
DOCTOR: Haven't you got anything better to do?
FARRAH: There's only one thing preventing me from running you through
(Farrah drags the Doctor to his feet.)
DOCTOR: What's that?
FARRAH: Where is he?
DOCTOR: I don't know what you're talking about.
ZADEK: That's enough, Farrah. Doctor, the Prince has gone.
DOCTOR: What? Where?
ZADEK: Vanished. He's been kidnapped.
DOCTOR: By whom?
FARRAH: Your master, Count Grendel, of course!
DOCTOR: But I don't even know who Count Grendel is!
ZADEK: I'm inclined to believe you, Doctor.
(The Doctor dashes to the curtained alcove, where the android is still
FARRAH: But Swordmaster
ZADEK: Why should he remain when the Prince has been taken? It doesn't
DOCTOR: Well at least he didn't take the android.
ZADEK: They took the real Prince. What use is the copy?
DOCTOR: Well, that depends on what you're going to do.
ZADEK: What honour demands.
DOCTOR: And what's that?
ZADEK: Farrah and I will take our swords and do battle with the Count's
DOCTOR: What? What, just the two of you?
FARRAH: A swordsman does not fear death if he dies with honour.
DOCTOR: Then he's an idiot. Listen, let me see if I understand this. In
order to be crowned King, the Prince must present himself in the
Coronation room at a specific time, right?
DOCTOR: Then you've got no problem. Excuse me.
(The Doctor sits in the Prince's chair.)
DOCTOR: You take it to the Coronation room and get it crowned.
FARRAH: Crown an android King of Tara? Never!
DOCTOR: Would you rather crown Count Grendel of Gracht?
FARRAH: But an android. It's unthinkable.
ZADEK: In any case, Grendel's men will see that we don't get into the
DOCTOR: Well, I don't suppose the King was going to walk in through the
front door, was he?
ZADEK: He had a plan.
DOCTOR: Ah. What?
ZADEK: There is a secret passage.
DOCTOR: Aha, I thought there might be something like that. How secret?
Would Grendel know about it?
ZADEK: I hope not.
DOCTOR: So do I. Right, now listen. I'll do some more work on George,
you get him to the Coronation room, get him crowned, and while he's
ruling the country you two can find the real Prince. I mean, that's
worth a try, isn't it?
ZADEK: Doctor, I see only two objections to your plan.
DOCTOR: Only two?
ZADEK: What if the android breaks down?
DOCTOR: Ah, well, I can't guarantee you anything, but if I had the
ZADEK: Second problem, security.
DOCTOR: Security? But only the three of us need even know of George's
ZADEK: Precisely. Farrah I can trust.
DOCTOR: And by the time George is King, I'll be light years away.
ZADEK: No, Doctor. You'll be with the android at all times.
DOCTOR: Now look here, Zadek. I've got better things to do than meddle
in the politics of your piffling little planet.
(Farrah puts his electric rapier close to the Doctor's face.)
DOCTOR: On the other hand, I could be with the android at all times.
[Outside the Hunting lodge]
(The Doctor blows K9's dog whistle, and the mobile
computer wakes up in the Tardis.)
FARRAH: What are you doing?
DOCTOR: Calling my dog.
FARRAH: I don't see any dog.
DOCTOR: Well, of course not. He hasn't arrived yet.
(The Doctor is sewing up the back of George's
ZADEK: Doctor? You've checked the android?
DOCTOR: Well, as far as I can without the proper tools.
ZADEK: Everything is functioning correctly?
DOCTOR: No. His micro-circuitry's not perfect and his power packs need
ZADEK: I have great confidence in you, Doctor.
DOCTOR: I'm deeply touched.
ZADEK: But remember, either Farrah or myself will be with you at all
times. Don't let us down.
(A bird screeches outside. Farrah and the Doctor go to the window.)
DOCTOR: Don't draw that sword.
(The Doctor opens the door and K9 trundles in.)
K9: You called, master?
ZADEK: What is that thing?
DOCTOR: That thing? That's my dog.
ZADEK: But it's a machine.
DOCTOR: Well, so is your Prince.
(The Doctor kicks the chair the android is sitting on, and Farrah
DOCTOR: Don't draw that sword!
(Farrah's hand and rapier are caught in an energy field.)
DOCTOR: K9? K9?
(The energy field stops and Farrah drops the rapier. The Doctor picks
DOCTOR: Look, I don't like to say I told you so, but I told you so. Do
put it away, quickly. K9, where's Romana?
K9: She has not yet returned, master.
DOCTOR: What? Where is she?
K9: Insufficient data to formulate a reply. She's not within range of
DOCTOR: But she was only meant to be gone an hour.
ZADEK: You've lost someone?
DOCTOR: Yes, my assistant. She was looking for something.
DOCTOR: Oh, nothing important.
ZADEK: Where was she last seen?
DOCTOR: Where you picked me up yesterday.
FARRAH: Which way was she going?
DOCTOR: Up the hill.
FARRAH: Towards Count Grendel's lands.
ZADEK: I'm afraid, Doctor, that it sounds as though she might have
fallen into the hands of the Count.
GRENDEL: So, the lovely lady wakes.
ROMANA: How long have I been unconscious?
GRENDEL: Twelve hours, my dear. I trust you slept well. Release her.
ROMANA: Twelve hours? Oh, no.
GRENDEL: Why, what's the matter, my dear?
ROMANA: Look, why don't you just let me go? I've no money and I'm not
worth ransoming. Why did you bring me here?
GRENDEL: Do you think I'm a common bandit?
ROMANA: I'm not even Taran. What possible use can I be to you?
GRENDEL: I'll show you. Help her down.
(Lamia helps Romana get off the couch.)
GRENDEL: Come with me. I want you to see something.
(Grendel leads Romana and Lamia down steps to a
dark vaulted area, where a guard stands by a door.)
GRENDEL: And how is our guest?
GUARD: She's well, my lord.
GRENDEL: Good. Let's see for ourselves.
(Grendel slides open a panel in the door.)
GRENDEL: Take a look, my dear.
(Romana looks into the cell.)
ROMANA: Oh! It's incredible!
GRENDEL: Yes, the resemblance is extraordinary, isn't it?
(In the cell, an exact double of Romana is sitting sewing a tapestry.)
ROMANA: Is it an android?
GRENDEL: Good heavens, no, my dear. That's the Princess Strella. First
Lady of Tara, a descendant of the Royal House, Mistress of the domains
of Thorvald, Mortgarde and Freya. In fact, Tara's most eligible
spinster, shortly to become, in rapid succession, my fiancée, my bride,
and then deceased. Yes, it will be a tragic accident. A flower blighted
in its prime. And naturally, as her husband, I shall claim her estates
and her position as second in line to the throne, as provided for under
ROMANA: I see. But since you've already got a princess, what do you
need me for?
GRENDEL: Well, the Princess does not entirely agree with my plan.
ROMANA: I can't say I'm wildly surprised.
GRENDEL: In fact, she quite refuses to cooperate.
ROMANA: Good for her. But I still don't see what all this has got to do
GRENDEL: Don't you, my dear? I should have thought that was obvious. If
she goes on refusing, I can marry you instead in front of the great
assembly of the nobles of Tara, who won't know the difference.
ROMANA: What happens if I refuse, too?
GRENDEL: Oh, but you won't. Aren't I a lucky man to have two such
beautiful women as my bride?
ROMANA: Apparently your staff doesn't agree.
GRENDEL: She's prejudiced, my dear, just because I once showed her a
certain courtesy. That's the trouble with peasants these days. They
don't know their place any more. Open!
(Grendel enters a second cell in his dungeons.
Prince Reynart is lying on a cot with a metal shackle around his neck,
chained to the wall.)
REYNART: Why don't you kill me, Grendel, and get it over with.
GRENDEL: Never rush your pleasures, my dear Reynart. Besides, I've
brought someone to see you. Meet his Royal Highness, Prince Reynart,
first in line to the throne of Tara.
ROMANA: No, I'm not Strella. I just look like her. My name's Romana.
GRENDEL: You see, my dear Reynart, when I play for high stakes I like
to hold all the cards.
ROMANA: You won't be holding this one much longer. He's ill. He's
running a fever.
GRENDEL: That's why we brought him a permanent nurse for his bedside.
Hold her, Kurster. Lamia.
(Grendel's equivalent of Zadek grabs Romana while Lamia puts a shackle
around Romana's neck.)
REYNART: Let her go!
GRENDEL: Don't be so tediously heroic, my dear fellow. Not too tight,
Lamia. We don't want to choke her.
LAMIA: She is secure, my lord.
(Kurster fastens Romana's chain to the wall.)
GRENDEL: You know, my dear Reynart, you ought to thank me.
REYNART: For what?
GRENDEL: For what? For finding you such a charming nurse. There. Take
good care of our royal guest, my dear. Watch them, Kurster.
KURSTER: Yes, my lord.
GRENDEL: And now, my friend, I must go to your coronation. It's a pity
you will miss it.
(A map is on the table.)
DOCTOR: Where is Count Grendel's castle?
ZADEK: About eight leagues from here.
DOCTOR: Eight leagues.
ZADEK: You're not thinking of going there alone?
DOCTOR: Well, where else might he have taken her if not there?
ZADEK: To Tara itself. He will want to make sure that no one else
claims the throne.
DOCTOR: Right. K9, you take the castle. I'll go to Tara with George.
FARRAH: You're going to help us then?
DOCTOR: Well, of course. Anyway, we need Zadek to get us into the
ZADEK: Correct, Doctor.
DOCTOR: K9, off you go. Find out if Romana's there and report straight
back to me. Come on, off you go.
(The Doctor shoos K9 out of the door.)
FARRAH: Is he a good hunting dog?
DOCTOR: Oh, well, if she's there, he'll find her.
FARRAH: There's not a lot of time left.
ZADEK: We're almost there. Wait here. I'll go ahead and scout.
FARRAH: Be careful, Swordmaster. He's not as young as he used to be.
DOCTOR: Who is.
(Farrah talks to George.)
FARRAH: Are you all right, sir? How do you feel? (no reply) I can't
talk to androids. Is he all right?
DOCTOR: Yes, I think so.
FARRAH: He's not talking.
DOCTOR: Well, I've switched off his communication mechanism to conserve
FARRAH: He'll have to make a speech at his coronation.
DOCTOR: Don't worry, he'll make a speech. Don't worry. It won't be a
long one, but he'll make a speech.
FARRAH: I don't know what it is about androids. I know it's silly. You
know what I mean.
DOCTOR: Funny thing, some androids feel like that about humans.
ZADEK: I have found the place. Come.
(There is a guard with a crossbow patrolling up
ZADEK: It's one of Grendel's men.
FARRAH: I'll deal with him.
(Farrah circles round, then throws a rock to misdirect the guard. He
zaps him with his rapier when the guard turns back again.)
DOCTOR: Will he recover?
FARRAH: In a few hours.
(The Doctor picks up the crossbow.)
DOCTOR: It fires electronic bolts. How very quaint.
FARRAH: It's a peasant's weapon.
(The Doctor puts it down again.)
ZADEK: Come, there's no time to lose.
(While K9 watches guards patrolling the
battlements, Lamia is working on an android's head. She pauses to
examine the Key segment.)
LAMIA: That's curious.
(She tries drilling it, but makes no mark.)
LAMIA: That's very odd.
[Beyond the moat]
(K9 has located where Romana is being held.)
(Romana cleans a wound on Reynart's right arm.)
REYNART: So you're a friend of the Doctor?
ROMANA: Yes. Don't worry, he'll get us out of here.
REYNART: Huh. How? No one's ever escaped from the dungeons of Castle
Gracht. Ow. How is it? Not good, eh?
ROMANA: Look, don't try and talk. Just conserve your strength.
REYNART: For what? I can't swim the moat with this, let alone take on
ROMANA: The Doctor'll find a way.
REYNART: Soon, I hope. I'd like to try and avoid giving Grendel the
pleasure of dying in one of his foul dungeons.
(Two guards burst in, and one starts to unfasten Romana's collar.)
REYNART: Peasants! How dare you lay hands on a lady.
(Romana is taken out of the cell.)
DOCTOR: What were these tunnels built for?
ZADEK: They were plague tunnels built about two hundred years ago to
allow the royal court to move in and out of the palace without having
to pass through the contaminated city.
ZADEK: The great plague wiped out nine tenths of the population.
FARRAH: That's when the survivors started using androids to replace the
DOCTOR: I see. Very far yet?
ZADEK: Quite a way, I fear.
(A troop of Grendel's guards find their fallen comrade at the secret
entrance, and go into the tunnels.)
[Coronation Room antechamber]
(The sole hand on the zodiac clock moves from
Aquarius back to Capricorn. Taran nobility is gathered here when some
of Grendel's men enter and go to the door to the main hall. Kurster
speaks to the royal guards.)
KURSTER: You're relieved of your post. Go.
(The royal guard commander nods, and the guards leave.)
KURSTER: Take up your place. Come on.
(Grendel's men take over security. Count Grendel enters the Coronation
Room, lit with stained glass windows, and mounts the steps to the
golden throne. He sits, laughs, and leaves. The pursuit continues
through the tunnels.
The clock hand moves from Sagittarius to Scorpio. Kurster enters and
KURSTER: Everything is ready, my lord.
GRENDEL: The peasants are prepared?
KURSTER: I have my men dressed as peasants, my lord. As soon as it is
announced that the Prince has not appeared for the coronation, there
will be a spontaneous demonstration of love and loyalty to the House of
GRENDEL: I think I shall reject the crown once. Rejecting it twice
might be misconstrued. Besides, I'm not sure I can trust the
Archimandrite to offer it to me a third time.
(The Archimandrite enters from the Coronation Room. He is a small but
dignified figure with a neat silver beard and multicoloured turban, who
has the role of the Archbishop of Canterbury in these matters.)
ARCHIMANDRITE: The hour approaches, Count Grendel.
GRENDEL: It does indeed, your Eminence.
ARCHIMANDRITE: Where is the Prince?
GRENDEL: No doubt he will be here, your Eminence.
ARCHIMANDRITE: If he misses the appointed hour of his coronation, we
must choose another king. That is the law.
GRENDEL: I know.
ARCHIMANDRITE: It is possible we may choose you.
GRENDEL: You overwhelm me, your Eminence.
ZADEK: We're nearly there. The steps to the
Coronation chamber are just round the corner.
(George bumps into a stone hanging down from the roof of the tunnel.)
DOCTOR: What? Stop him!
FARRAH: Is he going to be all right?
DOCTOR: Let's hope so. Off you go.
(They move forward into weapons fire from behind them bouncing off the
walls. The Doctor steers George to one side.)
FARRAH: Look out!
ZADEK: We've been followed! Doctor, take the Prince. We'll try to hold
them off here. There's a lever at the top. Pull it down. It opens a
DOCTOR: It can't have been moved for two hundred years. It's stuck! It
[Coronation Room antechamber]
(The clock hand moves to the line between Aries
and Pisces, nearly straight up now. The Archimandrite reenters.)
ARCHIMANDRITE: There's no sign of the Prince, Count Grendel.
GRENDEL: He would appear to be late, your Eminence.
ARCHIMANDRITE: If he doesn't appear by the appointed time, it is my
duty under the law to offer the crown to one of the other nobles.
GRENDEL: My dear Archimandrite, you may rest assured that whoever you
choose to be King of Tara will immediately be offered the protection of
ARCHIMANDRITE: Your guard? These are your men?
GRENDEL: Er, the palace guard proved to be indisposed.
ARCHIMANDRITE: I see. Perhaps, in the circumstances, it would be
simpler if I offered you the crown immediately.
GRENDEL: An excellent suggestion, my dear Archimandrite. It would avoid
a great deal of possible unpleasantness later. But we must wait for the
exact moment. Everything must be done correctly.
ARCHIMANDRITE: Noble sentiments, Count. Nobly spoken.
(The clock strikes. The hand is straight up.)
ARCHIMANDRITE: Look, it is time. It is time! Open the doors.
(To a fanfare, the Archimandrite leads Grendel and the other nobles
(Where George sits waiting on the throne already
holding the sceptre and orb, surrounded by Zadek, the Doctor, Farrah
and a servant carrying the crown on a tasseled cushion.)
(Grendel whispers to Kurster. The Archimandrite mounts the steps to the
throne and turns to address the nobles.)
ARCHIMANDRITE: All kneel to our sovereign lord, Prince Reynart.
(Grendel remains standing.)
(Grendel kneels. The Archimandrite takes the crown and holds it aloft.)
ARCHIMANDRITE: Behold the crown of Tara.
(George starts to slump sideways in the throne. Zadek and the Doctor
sit him up straight again. The Archimandrite turns and crowns George
ARCHIMANDRITE: Hail to the King! Hail to King Reynart of Tara!
NOBLES: Hail! Hail to the King!
ARCHIMANDRITE: Your Majesty. The speech of accession. You must say it.
(The Doctor switches on George's speech circuits.)
GEORGE: My subjects, I acknowledge your salutations and I swear that I
will uphold your rights and devote myself to defending and
pro-o-o-tecting you at all times.
DOCTOR: (sotto) I'll do some more work on his speech circuits.
ARCHIMANDRITE: Let all the nobles now swear the oath of fealty to the
(Romana, or Strella, enters.)
ARCHIMANDRITE: Let the First Lady of the land of Tara come forward and
make her vows.
ZADEK: That's the Princess Strella.
(Grendel moves behind her.)
STRELLA: (deadpan) I, Princess Strella, descendant of the Royal Kings
of Tara, Mistress of the domains of Thorvald, Mortgarde and Freya, do
humbly offer my loyalty to the King and do hereby recognise his
suzerainty over me and all whom I command.
(Strella kneels. The Doctor grabs the sceptre and runs down the steps.)
(Everyone gasps as he hits Strella over the head with the sceptre!)
ZADEK: Are you mad?
ARCHIMANDRITE: Seize him! He's killed the Princess.
(The Princess's wig has come off with the sceptre to reveal a big hole
in a smooth pink cranium.)
FARRAH: Stop! That's not the Princess.
ARCHIMANDRITE: It's an android.
ZADEK: How did you know?
DOCTOR: A circuit must have been faulty. I heard it spark.
GRENDEL: And who might you be, pray?
ARCHIMANDRITE: But it doesn't make sense. Why send an android to swear
loyalty to the King?
DOCTOR: To get close enough to kill him.
ARCHIMANDRITE: But who would want to kill the King?
GRENDEL: My dear Archimandrite, what are you suggesting?
ZADEK: Treachery against His Majesty.
GRENDEL: Take care what you say, Zadek. Your Eminence, I suggest we
postpone the oath-taking for the time being. Who knows how many other
programmed androids there may be.
ARCHIMANDRITE: You think there are more?
GRENDEL: It is a possibility we must face, your Eminence. I shall leave
my own personal guard here to protect His Majesty.
ZADEK: I'm afraid I cannot permit that, Count.
GRENDEL: It is not for you to say.
ZADEK: As Commander of His Majesty's bodyguard, it is my decision and
GRENDEL: You presume too much, Zadek. Well, what does His Majesty have
to say on the matter? He is very quiet.
DOCTOR: Ahem. His Majesty is very tired. Can't you talk about this
GRENDEL: Who the devil are you, sir?
DOCTOR: I'm the King's Doctor.
ARCHIMANDRITE: Is His Majesty ill?
DOCTOR: No, nothing a nice rest won't cure. He'll be all right
ARCHIMANDRITE: I understand, Doctor. Come, Count. We must allow His
Majesty to rest.
GRENDEL: But what of the danger?
DOCTOR: What possible danger can His Majesty be in from his own
personal bodyguard, Count?
(The Archimandrite and Grendel leave, but the guards stay.)
ZADEK: Will he be all right tomorrow?
DOCTOR: Not unless I can recharge his power packs and repair his speech
(Lamia is still trying to get a sample off the Key
Segment when a guard pushes Romana inside the room.)
LAMIA: Is this yours?
LAMIA: What is it?
ROMANA: What is it?
LAMIA: Yes. What is it made of?
ROMANA: Oh, I've no idea. I only found it the other day.
LAMIA: It's like no substance I have ever seen before. I have blunted
two diamond drills on it.
ROMANA: Well, perhaps it's some kind of quartz?
LAMIA: This is no quartz.
ROMANA: Well, if you don't want it, could I have it back? You've no use
for it, have you?
LAMIA: I don't suppose it matters. What could you possibly do with it?
ROMANA: Why not?
LAMIA: I'm curious. It looks as though it might be part of something.
ROMANA: Part of what?
(Grendel bursts in, followed by Till the hunchback.)
GRENDEL: It failed. The machine failed. That doctor saw at once it was
LAMIA: My lord, I did warn you it wasn't ready.
(Till takes Grendel's cloak.)
ROMANA: What doctor?
GRENDEL: Oh, some strange doctor who's attending the Prince.
LAMIA: We hold the real Prince. What you have seen must have been an
GRENDEL: Obviously. Do you know this doctor?
GRENDEL: I think you do. Lamia, prepare another android. An exact copy
precise to the last detail. I have an idea. Our guest can help us.
(The Doctor has the back of George's head open. K9
K9: I have located the mistress. She is in Castle Gracht.
DOCTOR: Are you sure?
K9: Affirmative, master. I detected her presence quite distinctly.
DOCTOR: Good. Well, that means the Count has Romana, the real Princess
and the Prince.
ZADEK: So Grendel now holds all the cards.
DOCTOR: No, I wouldn't say that. We've still got a prince of sorts.
ZADEK: He has to attend the convocation with the Archimandrite and the
priests. Will he be able to?
DOCTOR: Well, K9, what would happen if I connect the carbon circuit to
the silicon circuit? How long would they last?
(K9 rolls up to George and sticks out his detector.)
DOCTOR: Come on.
K9: Three hours nine minutes and ten point seven seconds,
(Romana has been strapped down on the couch again,
with a metal circlet around her forehead. A computer bank is whirring.)
GRENDEL: Comfortable, my dear?
LAMIA: My lord?
GRENDEL: What is it?
LAMIA: These are like no alpha waves I have ever seen before.
GRENDEL: What do you mean?
LAMIA: She is not Taran.
GRENDEL: Then what is she?
LAMIA: I don't know. I need more time for evaluation.
GRENDEL: Time we don't have, my dear. Just programme another android to
kill, that's all, but this time make sure it's a perfect copy.
LAMIA: Yes, my lord.
DOCTOR: Go on, ask him a question. Go on.
ZADEK: The question of monastic lands. That's bound to come up at the
convocation. What is His Majesty's position on that?
GEORGE: Monastic lands are held by the religious orders under the
protection of the Crown. Those lands and that protection may be
withdrawn at my discretion at any time.
GEORGE: I propose to be discreet for the time being.
ZADEK: Yes. Doctor, the Prince
ZADEK: Oh, quite so, your Majesty.
ZADEK: Oh, drat. I keep forgetting he's only an android. Doctor, the
King seems to be, how shall I say, a trifle more
DOCTOR: Intelligent than the real one? Well, of course he is. I
ZADEK: We don't want him too intelligent, Doctor. You can't trust
androids, you know.
DOCTOR: It's funny, you know. That's what some androids say about
DOCTOR: Anyway, how can you possibly be frightened of something that
goes pfft if it short-circuits?
FARRAH: Someone to speak to the Doctor, sir.
(The Count's hunchback enters.)
TILL: My name is Till. I am but a servant to the Count.
ZADEK: And what do you want?
TILL: My mission is with the doctor, Swordsman, not with thee.
FARRAH: You dare to refuse to speak to a Master of the Sword?
TILL: Swordsman, I will speak only to the doctor. Those are my orders.
DOCTOR: Quite right, too. Quite right. We peasants have got to stick
together. Now then, what can I do for you, huh?
(The Doctor leads Till away from the group.)
TILL: I have a message from Madame Lamia.
TILL: Yeah, she's Count Grendel's woman, a peasant.
TILL: She would have me tell you that she fears for the Count's safety.
TILL: Now they've crowned the android King, the Count is politically
DOCTOR: Shush. Come over here.
FARRAH: I suppose he can be trusted?
GEORGE: Who, the servant or the Doctor?
FARRAH: The Doctor, of course. (to Zadek) He can be trusted, can't he,
ZADEK: I wish we knew more about him.
FARRAH: There's only one way to settle this.
K9: Do not activate your sword.
FARRAH: Good dog. Good dog.
(The Doctor returns to the group.)
DOCTOR: Lamia's offered us a deal.
DOCTOR: Romana in exchange for the safe conduct out of the country of
ZADEK: You refused, of course.
DOCTOR: No, no, I accepted. I'm to take a written undertaking from you
and the King for Grendel's safety, then Lamia and her friends will pass
Romana over to me.
FARRAH: It's an obvious trap. You can't go.
DOCTOR: Yes, I can.
ZADEK: Where is the meeting to take place?
DOCTOR: At a place called the Pavilion of the Summer Winds. Do you know
where it is?
ZADEK: Yes. It's on Grendel's estate, in the woods near the castle.
DOCTOR: Good. I shall have to go alone, of course. It's funny, they
always want you to go alone when you're walking into a trap. Have you
GRENDEL: You've excelled yourself, my dear Lamia.
It's absolutely perfect. Don't you agree?
(Romana glares at her android duplicate.)
ROMANA: The Doctor'll spot it immediately.
GRENDEL: In the dark at a distance of twenty feet? I think not, my
ROMANA: He'll know it's a trap.
GRENDEL: Of course! That's what gives the situation such a delicious
ROMANA: He won't come.
GRENDEL: You underestimate your friend, my dear. Of course he'll come.
What else could he do? It's his only chance of rescuing you. Oh, he'll
be very careful, very cautious. He'll bide his time. But sooner or
later he must find out if that figure in the Pavilion is you or not.
And when he does. Show her, Lamia.
(Lamia wheels a chair in front of the wall and uncovers a tailor's
dummy. Then she picks up a control.)
DOCTOR [OC]: Hello, Romana. How are you?
(Romana 2 steps forward and a bolt of energy zaps from her waist into
the dummy's chest.)
GRENDEL: Rather ingenious, don't you think? You are to be
congratulated, my dear.
ROMANA: How did you get the voice?
LAMIA: The Count's man, Till, recorded his voice patterns when they
parleyed. Once I have the pattern, the construction of speech is a
ROMANA: It won't work.
GRENDEL: Why not?
ROMANA: Well, supposing the Doctor doesn't speak?
LAMIA: The android is also programmed to kill in various other ways.
GRENDEL: You see before you the complete killing machine, as beautiful
as you and as deadly as the plague. If only she were real, I'd marry
ROMANA: You deserve each other.
GRENDEL: Come, my dear.
(Romana 2 takes Grendel's proffered arm and they leave. Lamia goes to
the door and Romana takes a small metal pick from an instrument box.)
LAMIA: Guard! Guard!
(Lamia turns back and a guard enters.)
LAMIA: What kept you so long? Bring this one back to the cells.
(Reynart is still sweating with his fever.)
LAMIA: Leave us. I will lock up the prisoner.
(The guard leaves and Lamia puts the neck shackle on Romana.)
ROMANA: You know, if Grendel does become king, he'll never make you his
LAMIA: Nor you, either. I will see to that.
ROMANA: Ah, but I don't want him and you do, don't you. Look, why don't
you let me go? All you have to do is release me and the Doctor, and
I'll leave Tara. Think about it. What have you got to lose?
ROMANA: Well, you haven't exactly got him now, have you? All he's doing
is using you.
LAMIA: I know. But that is better than nothing.
(Lamia leaves. Romana takes the pick from her belt and starts to work
on her collar.)
ROMANA: Now, how does the Doctor do this?
[Outside the Pavilion]
(Just to be awkward, the actual Pavilion at Leeds
Castle was used as the Hunting Lodge. This pretty hexagonal building is
nearby, across the lawn and on the other side of the pathway. The
Doctor and K9 hide in the long grass. The birds are doing a lot of
DOCTOR: Shush. Steady, K9, steady. Let's take a look.
(Romana has unpicked her collar, and is working on
Reynart's when he wakes.)
ROMANA: Shush. We're getting out of here.
REYNART: Save yourself.
ROMANA: And leave you behind? They'll kill you.
REYNART: I'm, I'm too weak. I'd only get in the way.
ROMANA: Listen, Grendel's taken most of the guards with him. Now's our
REYNART: Then take it. Don't waste time with me. Tell Zadek where I am.
He'll know what to do.
(The Doctor and K9 enter the Pavilion quietly.
Romana has freed Reynart from his collar. She helps him wraps it and
the chain around his hand.)
REYNART: That's it.
REYNART: Like that. Good. Ready?
ROMANA: Go ahead.
(Romana goes to the door as Reynart starts crying out in pain.)
ROMANA: Guard! Guard! Guard, quickly! The Prince!
(The guard rushes in and goes straight to Reynart. Romana slips out as
Reynart hits the guard with his improvised knuckleduster.)
[Outside the Pavilion]
KURSTER: My lord. The men are in position, my
GRENDEL: Good. Await my signal. Tell them to be ready.
KURSTER: Yes, sir.
GRENDEL: You know what to do, my dear.
LAMIA: Yes. When this Doctor arrives, you leave him to me.
GRENDEL: What should I do without you?
LAMIA: Find another peasant who understands androids, no doubt.
GRENDEL: True, but I should not find one who pleased me so much.
(Grendel kisses Lamia.)
GRENDEL: Go now, before he arrives.
(Lamia snaps her fingers, and the Romana android follows her.)
Meanwhile, Romana has got as far as the castle
courtyard, where Grendel's white horse stands waiting for a rider. The
guard at the far end of the gateway is leaning on his crossbow looking
outwards. Romana uses the wrong foot in the stirrup to mount the
patient horse, and shuffles herself round whilst looking for the start
ROMANA: Go, Charger. Start. Start! Go, you stupid creature, go!
(She finally kicks the horse into action as another guard turns and
fires his crossbow. The horse canters through the castle entrance and
(Lamia enters, looks around and is about to leave
again when the Doctor slams the door in her face.)
DOCTOR: Hello. You're early.
DOCTOR: Yes. Madame Lamia, is it?
LAMIA: We agreed to meet at midnight.
DOCTOR: Yes, but I had nothing better to do so I thought I'd come
early. What's your reason?
LAMIA: Do I need one?
DOCTOR: No, but it would have been fun to hear it. Where's Romana?
LAMIA: You agree to my terms?
DOCTOR: I do indeed. Safe conduct for Count Grendel in return for
Romana, also safe and sound.
DOCTOR: Where is Romana? You realise, of course, that Count Grendel
will have to go into exile, but there's no reason then why you can't go
into exile with him, is there? Where's Romana?
DOCTOR: You bring her in. It's a good offer, Lamia. A fair offer.
(The Doctor opens the door and Lamia leaves. He shuts it again.
Outside, Lamia smiles at Grendel and leads the android in. She holds
out her hand and the Doctor throws a small scroll to her.)
LAMIA: Well, Doctor, aren't you going to greet your friend?
K9: Caution, master.
DOCTOR: What is it, K9?
(The android's energy beam goes over the Doctor's head as he stoops to
talk to K9.)
LAMIA: Kill him! Kill him! Kill him!
(Lamia has to steer the android around the central post to get a line
on the Doctor, who is now by the door and opposite K9.)
DOCTOR: In focus, K9?
(K9 shoots the android three times in the back. Lamia screams.)
[Outside the Pavilion]
GRENDEL: Something's gone wrong. Attack the
(A troop of guards start firing their crossbows at the building. Lamia
comes running out.)
LAMIA: My lord! My lord!
(And gets shot.)
GRENDEL: You fools! That was Madame Lamia! Hold your fire!
(Lamia sinks to the ground.)
GRENDEL: Doctor, I know you're in there. There's only one entrance to
that pavilion. Come out, Doctor. Surrender. We won't harm you. (to
Kurster) Tell the bowmen to fire immediately they see the target. I
want him destroyed. Well, Doctor? Are you coming out? You have my word
as a Gracht you will not be harmed.
(The bowmen take aim from the shrubbery.)
K9: Ill-advised, master.
DOCTOR: What? You just leave it to me, K9. I know exactly what I'm
(The Doctor walks outside and the bowmen start shooting. He dashes back
inside again, then opens the door to shout at Grendel.)
(He shuts the door against the fusillade of electronic bolts.)
DOCTOR: It's time we got out of here, isn't it, K9.
K9: Affirmative, master.
(The Doctor points to a part of the wall at the back of the pavilion.)
DOCTOR: Around here, do you think?
(The Doctor directs K9 as he uses his laser to cut an arc through the
wall, then punches it out.)
DOCTOR: Come on!
[Outside the Pavilion]
KURSTER: There he is! He's got out!
GRENDEL: Ten thousand gold pieces to the man who shoots the Doctor!
(The Doctor dodges out of sight through the trees.)
GRENDEL: Wait. Listen.
(Romana comes galloping up on Grendel's horse.)
KURSTER: The Princess! Hold your fire!
(Romana catches up with the Doctor.)
DOCTOR: Everyone for himself, K9!
GRENDEL: Fools! Dolts! That wasn't the Princess, it was Romana! After
(K9 cuts down the pursuing guards. Grendel puts his head in his hands
The Doctor has mounted the horse behind Romana and they are galloping
DOCTOR: I hope you know how to stop this thing when we get there.
ZADEK: While Grendel still thinks we're in the
Palace, we may be able to surprise him. You must bring up a troop of
bowmen under cover of darkness and position them on the left flank,
(The Doctor and Romana enter.)
FARRAH: It's the Princess!
ROMANA: No, I'm Romana.
DOCTOR: Isn't it?
ROMANA: Ah, this must be the android King.
DOCTOR: Yes. We call him George.
ROMANA: And these gentlemen?
DOCTOR: Oh, they're real, I think.
ZADEK: This is Swordsman Farrah. I am Swordmaster Zadek.
ROMANA: Zadek? I have a message for you from the real king.
ZADEK: You've seen His Majesty? How is he?
ROMANA: He's not very well. We must think of a plan to rescue him.
DOCTOR: (at the door) Horseman approaching.
FARRAH: (looking through the window) Under a flag of truce. It's Count
Grendel! I'll kill the traitor!
ZADEK: Not if he comes under a flag of truce. You know the articles of
FARRAH: I'm not sure Count Grendel does, sir.
(The Doctor and Romana hide in an inner room.)
ZADEK: Disarm the Count, then, and bring him in.
(Farrah and a guard escort Grendel in, carrying a spear with a white
cloth tied to it.)
GRENDEL: Good day, gentlemen. I come to you under a flag of truce and
expect to be treated according to the usages of war.
ZADEK: What do you want?
GRENDEL: How are you, your android Majesty?
(George speaks very slowly.)
GEORGE: I. Am. Well.
GRENDEL: He doesn't sound it. Power packs need recharging, I expect.
(The Doctor opens the inner door.)
DOCTOR: Nothing that can't be fixed, Count.
GRENDEL: Oh, Doctor! Well, there you are. I was glad you managed to
DOCTOR: Yes, well, so was I.
GRENDEL: Tell me now, where is the charming Romana?
ZADEK: What do you want, Count Grendel?
GRENDEL: Only a word with the Doctor, according to the usages of war.
GRENDEL: Shall we?
(The Doctor leads Grendel into the curtained alcove.)
GRENDEL: Ah, excellent.
GRENDEL: Oh, Doctor, you're a remarkable man.
DOCTOR: I am?
GRENDEL: Yes, a man after my own heart.
DOCTOR: I am?
GRENDEL: Here you are, new to Taran politics, and in no time at all
what have you become?
DOCTOR: I don't know. Go on, you tell me.
GRENDEL: Kingmaker extraordinary. Thanks to you keeping that
micro-circuitry going, Zadek has his king. But have you thought what
would happen if something went seriously wrong, like an overload on the
DOCTOR: What would happen?
GRENDEL: Your usefulness ceases.
GRENDEL: You know too much. You become a dangerous embarrassment to
Zadek. An embarrassment to be got rid of, and don't think he wouldn't.
DOCTOR: What's the answer?
GRENDEL: Suppose we both unmade our kings. No more King Reynart at all.
DOCTOR: What? What would that achieve?
GRENDEL: A vacancy for a new king.
DOCTOR: Ah. You, I suppose?
GRENDEL: No, no, no, Doctor, no. There would be opposition. No, I was
thinking you'd make an excellent king.
DOCTOR: Me? Just a moment.
(The Doctor goes over to Zadek.)
DOCTOR: The Count's just offered me the throne.
ZADEK: That's treason, Count.
GRENDEL: Only so long as the King is alive!
(Grendel throws his spear into George, who goes bang!, then dashes for
the inner door.)
ZADEK: Seize him!
(Farrah takes aim but the Doctor knocks the
crossbow out of his hand.)
FARRAH: Why did you do that?
DOCTOR: Because he's got Romana. Look!
(Romana is lying cross Kurster's pommel as he gallops after Grendel.)
ROMANA: Stop! Let me go! Doctor, Doctor, help me! Doctor!
ZADEK: Commander, take six men, mount up and
follow the Count.
(The guard commander leaves.)
DOCTOR: He'll be halfway to Castle Gracht by now.
FARRAH: You know, you almost have to admire the man.
ZADEK: Admire him? I should have killed him when he walked in here,
flag of truce or no flag of truce.
FARRAH: You've got to admit, sir, it takes courage to walk in here, to
distract our attention while his men kidnap Miss Romana. I mean, it
ZADEK: Nerve is one quality Grendel has never been short of.
(Reynart has been reshackled to the
ROMANA: Are you all right?
REYNART: I thought you'd escaped.
GRENDEL: She had, but I knew Your Majesty couldn't live without her, so
I brought her back for you.
(Kurster shackles Romana.)
ROMANA: Why do you torment him?
GRENDEL: Oh, now that's really most unfair, my dear. I'm really quite
hurt. All I'm doing is to restore to His Majesty his bride-to-be.
GRENDEL: You'll make a lovely couple.
(Grendel and Kurster leave.)
ROMANA: What's his idea? Is it a joke?
REYNART: Oh, no. Grendel doesn't joke about political power.
ROMANA: Then what's his plan?
REYNART: To become legal, rightful King of Tara. You see, if you marry
me you will automatically become Queen, but five minutes after the
wedding you would almost certainly be a widow.
ROMANA: He'd kill you?
REYNART: He would. And the moment you're widowed, Count Grendel, that
well-known champion of widows and orphans, would step in and marry you,
thus becoming Consort of the rightful Queen of Tara.
ROMANA: And then it would be my turn for an unfortunate accident.
GRENDEL: This is not wine, but vinegar. Fetch good
(Till hurries out. A guard shows the Archimandrite in.)
GRENDEL: Ah, Archimandrite. Welcome.
ARCHIMANDRITE: What is so urgent that I must leave my duties and hurry
here like this?
GRENDEL: I'm sorry, Archimandrite, but there is a ceremony you must
ARCHIMANDRITE: Here? What ceremony?
GRENDEL: A marriage.
ARCHIMANDRITE: Your own chaplain could have done that.
GRENDEL: Not this marriage.
ARCHIMANDRITE: Why? Who is to be married, and to whom?
GRENDEL: The King to the Princess Strella.
ARCHIMANDRITE: The King? Here?
GRENDEL: He has placed himself under my protection, your Eminence.
Sadly, I have to tell you he is sick. In fact, he's very near to death.
ARCHIMANDRITE: Oh, dear, dear, dear. He did not look well at the
coronation. Not himself at all.
GRENDEL: No. No, I did note that, Archimandrite.
ARCHIMANDRITE: But near to death, you say?
GRENDEL: Indeed he is. It would be as well if you stayed here. I fear
he will be in need of the funeral rites very soon after the wedding.
ARCHIMANDRITE: Oh, how sad.
GRENDEL: Mmm, yes. And after the funeral rites, there will be a second
wedding for you to perform.
ARCHIMANDRITE: A second wedding? May I ask whose that will be?
GRENDEL: My own. I shall be marrying the poor King's widow.
FARRAH: But surely, sir, we have a supply problem
if we place the batteries there.
ZADEK: But if we do what you're suggesting, we expose our left flank.
DOCTOR: How long do you think the siege will last, Zadek?
ZADEK: Hard to say. The last siege of the Castle of Gracht went on for
nearly two years.
DOCTOR: Two years? Well, we haven't got two years before Grendel kills
both the King and Romana. Anyway, looking at that plan, I'd say there's
only one way into the castle.
ZADEK: What's that?
DOCTOR: If someone on the inside opens the main gate and a group of our
men, under cover of darkness, take the guard by surprise.
FARRAH: That's hardly ethical.
ZADEK: Have you ever known Grendel abide by the rules of war? But who's
going to open the gates?
ZADEK: One man alone?
DOCTOR: No, no. One man and his dog. Come on, K9.
(Grendel checks first on Romana and Reynart, then
goes to Strella's cell.)
(She is, of course, working on the tapestry.)
GRENDEL: Your Highness.
GRENDEL: I have come to offer you one last chance to change your mind.
GRENDEL: The Archimandrite is here, the King is here. It will be quite
easy for you.
STRELLA: Grendel, I've told you already. I will never marry you under
any circumstances, and I will not marry the King under these
GRENDEL: Come, come, my dear. Don't you want to be Queen?
STRELLA: I know, Grendel, that as long as I refuse to marry the King,
his life is safe.
GRENDEL: Huh. And that matters to you?
STRELLA: More than my own life. For the last time, I will not go
through any marriage under your roof. You can kill me if you like.
GRENDEL: Very well, my dear, I may just do that before long. You have
become dispensable, Princess.
(Grendel clicks his heels and leaves.)
(He goes along to the second cell.)
GRENDEL: How is he?
ROMANA: Very weak.
GRENDEL: Oh, what a shame. I fear he's not long for this world.
ROMANA: Nonsense. All he needs is some proper medical
GRENDEL: I know exactly what he needs, my dear. Just as long as he's
the strength left for a little ceremony.
REYNART: Never. Do you hear me, Grendel? Never.
GRENDEL: Oh, what a pity, because I'm sure you wouldn't want to be the
cause of Princess Strella's death, would you?
REYNART: What do you mean?
GRENDEL: Or you, my dear.
ROMANA: What are you saying?
GRENDEL: The Princess, the real Princess, that is, is in the next
dungeon. For the moment she's quite safe.
REYNART: If you harm her, Grendel
GRENDEL: What! What can you do? Be quiet and listen to me. I had
everything arranged before this girl and her friend interfered. Madame
Lamia was preparing a perfect android copy of the Princess for you to
marry. You would have been married with full ceremony, and after your
unfortunate death at her hands, she would have married me. Now Madame
Lamia is dead and the android can never be completed. So, we need
ROMANA: Well, if you think you can persuade me to marry anybody, you're
GRENDEL: Oh, but I do. I'm sure you will. Because if you refuse, the
Princess will die. Very slowly. Now what have you to say? Good. I
thought you'd see reason. I shall return shortly. Be ready.
[Outside the Castle]
(Nighttime. The waters of the moat glint in the
moonlight. An owl hoots nearby. The Doctor and K9 are in a small boat.)
DOCTOR: All right, K9, let's go.
ZADEK: The old watergate should be right under the far wall.
ZADEK: I'm afraid the door must be a foot thick. The timbers were
intended to withstand any battering ram.
DOCTOR: Don't worry.
DOCTOR: Don't worry, we'll manage. You just make sure you're all ready
to charge in the moment those gates are open.
FARRAH: Take this. You may need it.
(Farrah offers his rapier.)
DOCTOR: Too complicated for me.
ZADEK: We'll be waiting, Doctor.
(The Doctor pushes off with the oar.)
ZADEK: Good luck.
(Sentries patrol the battlements to the music of frogs and owls. The
Doctor paddles the boat under an archway to a door in the castle
GRENDEL: Is everything ready?
TILL: Almost, master.
GRENDEL: There must be no hitches in any of the ceremonies tonight.
TILL: No, master.
GRENDEL: Kurster, a word.
KURSTER: My lord.
GRENDEL: Make sure our guards are alert. You yourself watch everything.
At the first sign of trouble, get down to the dungeons and deal with
the Princess. You understand me?
KURSTER: I do, my lord.
GRENDEL: I shall deal with the King myself.
KURSTER: I shall be nearby if you need help.
(A guard admits the Archimandrite.)
GRENDEL: Ah, Archimandrite. Are you ready?
ARCHIMANDRITE: I am. Where are the happy couple? They are in their
quarters. I shall inform them we are ready and conduct them here
DOCTOR: Here we are, K9. Here we are. This must be
K9: Affirmative, master. This is the position marked on the plan.
DOCTOR: Shush. Quiet. Just start cutting.
(K9 begins lasering the wood as they continue to drift forward.)
(Romana and Reynart have been dressing in wedding finery. Kurster
unshackles Romana first.)
GRENDEL: Well, why so miserable? This should be the happiest day of
your life. It will also be your last, so you might as well enjoy it.
(Reynart tries to hit Grendel, and Kurster pushes him back onto the
GRENDEL: Remember, no trouble or the Princess dies. That I promise.
(A peal of bells sounds out.)
DOCTOR: Hear that, K9? Wedding bells or a funeral knell? Do hurry up. A
hamster with a blunt penknife would do it quicker.
K9: You ordered me to make no noise, master.
DOCTOR: Just get on with it.
GRENDEL: Cheer up, it'll all be over soon. I'm
sorry there's no bridal march, my dear. Guard!
(A guard opens the door.)
GRENDEL: After you.
(Grendel follows Romana and Reynart out of the dungeons.)
DOCTOR: About time, too.
(The Doctor knocks the cut panel out of the door.)
(He clambers out of the boat.)
DOCTOR: You all right? Now listen, there's bound to be lots of stairs
in there. You stay here and keep an eye on the boat. I might have to
bring the others out this way if anything goes wrong.
K9: Affirmative, master.
DOCTOR: And don't fall in the water.
K9: I am familiar with boats, master.
DOCTOR: You old sea dog, you. Now don't forget, stand guard and be
careful. Be careful!
(The Doctor disappears from sight, and trips over something with a
crash and yell.)
(Romana and Reynart enter. The peal stops.)
ARCHIMANDRITE: Both kneel.
(Reynart and Romana look at each other.)
GRENDEL: Remember the Princess.
(They kneel. Meanwhile, the Doctor takes the Key Segment from Lamia's
ARCHIMANDRITE: Do you, Reynart, King of Tara, take this woman, the
Princess Strella, to be your lawful wedded wife? (silence) Your
REYNART: I do.
ARCHIMANDRITE: And do you, Strella, Princess of the Royal House of
Tara, take this man, Reynart, King of Tara, to be your lawful wedded
DOCTOR: No, she doesn't. Hello, everyone. Sorry I'm late. If there's
something I always enjoy, it's a good wedding, isn't that true, Romana?
(to the Archimandrite) Now, listen. Have you got to the bit where you
ask them if there's any just cause why they shouldn't be joined in
GRENDEL: You seem to make a habit of interfering in my affairs, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Yes, yes, I do really.
GRENDEL: Well, you've done it for the last time.
(Grendel draws his sword. Till hits the Doctor in the stomach, doubling
ARCHIMANDRITE: Stop! This is a solemn ceremony!
ROMANA: Not any more, it isn't.
GRENDEL: Leave him, leave him. he's mine. Defend yourself, sir.
DOCTOR: I haven't brought my sword.
GRENDEL: Well, I've no wish to kill a man without a weapon in his hand.
(Grendel throws his own sword to the Doctor.)
(Till goes to get another sword from the display over the fireplace.
Romana goes over to the Doctor.)
ROMANA: Doctor, he's the best swordsman on Tara.
DOCTOR: Is he?
ROMANA: Do you know what you're doing? Good luck.
(Grendel has put on his helmet.)
GRENDEL: I shall give you a fencing lesson before you die.
(They salute each other. The Doctor's rapier hits a stone column and
sparks. Grendel takes the en garde position and the Doctor copies him
exactly, turning his back to his opponent.)
GRENDEL: En garde!
(Grendel hits the Doctor in the back. The Doctor turns and the fight
begins. Grendel makes the attacks and the Doctor parries or dodges at
first, then they get into a series of attacks and ripostes.)
GRENDEL: You improve, Doctor.
(The Doctor does a series of feints which leaves his tip near Grendel's
throat. Kurster watches from the doorway. The Doctor doesn't follow
through, so they start again. Finally, the Doctor knocks the sword from
Grendel's hand. After briefly having him at his mercy, he kicks the
sword back to its owner. He turns his back and still parries Grendel's
attack. Kurster leaves now, and Romana follows. Till tries to join in
the fight, but Reynart stops him.)
DOCTOR: Gate control.
REYNART: Where is it?
(Till points. Reynart dodges the Doctor and Grendel and crosses to a
lever in the wall. He pulls it down.)
[Outside the castle]
(The bolts slide back and the gate opens.)
FARRAH: He's done it! Come on!
(Inside, the Doctor drives Grendel back with a series of energetic
lunges. They end up in a tunnel.)
(Kurster enters, and laughs. Strella backs away.
Romana enters, picks up a picture and jams the frame down over
Kurster's head. With his arms pinned, Strella takes her water jug and
breaks it over his head. Kurster staggers and falls.)
STRELLA: Who are you?
ROMANA: Well, that's a very long story.
(The Doctor drives Grendel up some steps as the
King's men deal with his guards.)
DOCTOR: It's all over, Grendel. That's Zadek and his men. Listen! You
might as well surrender now.
(Grendel pushes the Doctor away and removes his helmet.)
GRENDEL: Surrender? You forget, Doctor, I'm a Gracht. We never
(He jumps up onto a parapet.)
GRENDEL: Next time I shall not be so lenient!
(Grendel throws down his sword and dives into the moat.)
DOCTOR: Grendel, you forgot your hat!
(Grendel swims away.)
(The guard commander has his sword at Till's
DOCTOR: Ah, there you are. Everyone all right? Thank you.
(The Doctor throws his sword to Farrah.)
REYNART: Doctor, I owe you my life. How can I repay you?
DOCTOR: Oh, it was a pleasure to be of service.
ZADEK: Such swordsmanship. I never thought I'd live to see the day when
anyone would beat Count Grendel.
DOCTOR: Really? Why, was he supposed to be good?
FARRAH: He can jest after a fight like that.
REYNART: Why not stay here? This castle and all its lands can be yours.
Anything you care to name.
DOCTOR: No, no, no, that's a very kind offer, Majesty, but I have a
pressing engagement on the other side of the galaxy. Has anybody here
REYNART: She followed Kurster out.
DOCTOR: Kurster? What?
REYNART: The Princess Strella!
REYNART: In the dungeons!
(The Doctor grabs the sword back and runs out.)
(Romana is sitting at the tapestry.)
ROMANA: But there are so many different types of stitch. It must take
years to learn the art.
STRELLA: It's really only a question of patience and a certain delicacy
of touch. I'm sure you can manage it. Go on. That's right. Very good.
(The Doctor enters.)
DOCTOR: Don't move! I said, don't move. (to Romana) Ah, you must be
STRELLA: Er, no. I'm Princess Strella.
DOCTOR: How do you do. I'm delighted to meet you. Romana.
DOCTOR: I'm so sorry to take your new friend away so soon, Miss, but we
have some urgent business to attend to.
ROMANA: The segment!
(Romana rushes out, and the Doctor follows her. Reynart enters.)
REYNART: Strella! You're safe.
(They embrace, then kiss.)
REYNART: And you're real.
ROMANA: Doctor, it was in here somewhere. It's disappeared.
DOCTOR: Use the tracer.
ROMANA: Oh, right.
(Each time the signal gets strong, the Doctor moves away. She finally
realises, and he takes it out of his pocket.)
ROMANA: Very funny.
DOCTOR: You were very careless. I found it when I came in here. Come
on, let's go.
ROMANA: Do you know, I'll be quite sorry to leave Tara.
DOCTOR: What? Sorry to leave Tara? I didn't even catch one fish. Not
one! Come on!
[Outside Lamia's laboratory]
ROMANA: Doctor! Talking of forgetting things,
DOCTOR: Well, he. Where's K9?
(The Doctor calls out over the moat.)
DOCTOR: K9? K9!
(Below, a little boat drifts in the current.)
K9: Master. Master!