(An imposing figure enters the courtroom and bows
to the Inquisitor.)
KEEPER: I came as soon as I could, my lady.
INQUISITOR: Thank you, Keeper. Doctor, do you have any further evidence
in your defence?
VALEYARD: My lady, with all due respect, have we not seen enough? Are
you not forgetting Article seven and the irrefutable charge which faces
the Doctor, that of genocide?
INQUISITOR: I shall deal with that charge in due course, Valeyard. Now
kindly don't interrupt me again. Doctor, do you have any further
evidence in your defence?
DOCTOR: No, my lady, but I would point out that much of the Railyard's
so-called evidence was a farrago of distortion which would have had
Ananias, Baron Munchhausen and every other famous liar blushing down to
their very toe nails. Much of the evidence was not as I remembered.
INQUISITOR: Do you still maintain the Matrix has been tampered with?
DOCTOR: Yes, madam, I do. All I do not yet understand is who did it and
INQUISITOR: Your accusation would be laughable if it were not so
outrageous. However, as you see, I have summoned the Keeper of the
KEEPER: My lady.
INQUISITOR: You have heard the Doctor's allegations. Is it at all
possible for the data stored within the Matrix to be tampered with in
KEEPER: Quite impossible, my lady. No one may enter the Matrix without
the Key of Rassilon.
(The Keeper indicates a large old-fashioned key fastened to his collar
DOCTOR: And by whom may the key be used?
KEEPER: Qualified people, for inspection once in a millennium, perhaps.
To replace a transductor.
DOCTOR: But keys can be copied, you'll agree?
KEEPER: The Key of Rassilon never leaves my possession.
DOCTOR: Except when it's in the hands of those qualified people.
VALEYARD: This is a ridiculous allegation, my lady. The Doctor is
challenging the evidence of the Matrix on the grounds that it has been
tampered with, a charge he is totally unable to substantiate.
INQUISITOR: That is accepted. Doctor, wild accusations of malfeasance
do not constitute a defence.
DOCTOR: The Matrix can be physically penetrated. The Keeper has
admitted as much. Now, much of the evidence you saw was totally at
variance with my own memory. Therefore, it has been deliberately
INQUISITOR: And who would do such a thing, even if it were possible.
DOCTOR: Somebody who wants my head, such as the Valeyard.
(The Valeyard laughs.)
INQUISITOR: Doctor, if you were not already facing the most serious
charges, such an accusation levelled at a senior prosecutor would bring
you into contempt.
(Meanwhile, two small spacepods are brought onto
the space station in the same way that the Tardis was. The first opens
to reveal Sabalom Glitz. The second contains an angry woman banging on
MEL [OC]: What's going on? Let me out of here!
GLITZ: Dibber? What's happened to your voice, lad?
(Glitz opens the second pod.)
MEL: I'm not Dibber. Neither am I a lad. And what's more, there's
nothing wrong with my voice. As a matter of total disinterest, who are
GLITZ: Oh, Sabalom Glitz. And you?
MEL: Melanie, known as Mel.
GLITZ: Are they all like you here?
MEL: I don't know. Shall we go and find out?
INQUISITOR: There is only one to rebut the
evidence of the Matrix, Doctor, and that is to produce witnesses who
can support your version of events. Can you do that?
DOCTOR: Well, of course I can't. You know I can't.
INQUISITOR: Then we must accept the Valeyard's evidence.
DOCTOR: Any witnesses I might produce are scattered all over the
universe and all through time. How can I find them now?
VALEYARD: Procrastination, my lady. The Doctor' only
(The Valeyard stares as Mel and Glitz enter the courtroom.)
DOCTOR: Melanie? Glitz? What are you doing here?
GLITZ: I was sent, wasn't I. Not my idea, mind.
MEL: Same here. What have you been up to?
INQUISITOR: Be silent. Who sent you?
GLITZ: That's the beak, is it? They all look the same, don't they?
Carved out of something hard and nasty.
INQUISITOR: You said you were sent here, Sabalom Glitz. By whom?
MASTER [on screen]: By me, madam.
DOCTOR: Oh no! Now I really am finished.
MEL: Who's that?
DOCTOR: Just one of my oldest enemies.
INQUISITOR: This is entirely irregular. Who are you, sir?
MASTER [on screen]: I'm known as the Master, and as you see, I speak to
you from within the Matrix. Proof, if any be needed, that not only
qualified people can enter here.
KEEPER: But you haven't the Key of Rassilon.
MASTER [on screen]: I got a very good copy, Keeper, just as the Doctor
said was possible.
INQUISITOR: This is an independent inquiry appointed by the High
Council to investigate serious charges
MASTER [on screen]: Madam, I know. I've followed the trial with great
interest and indeed amusement, but now I must intervene for the sake of
DOCTOR: Justice? Pay no attention, madam. He has no concept of what
justice is. He'd see me dead tomorrow.
MASTER [on screen]: Gladly, Doctor, but I'm not prepared to countenance
VALEYARD: My lady, I must propose an immediate adjournment.
INQUISITOR: I'm sorry, Valeyard. The evidence for the prosecution is
completed. The ball, as the Doctor might say, is out of your court.
MASTER [on screen]: Doctor, I've sent you two star witnesses. I knew
you'd need them.
VALEYARD: With due respect, Sagacity, the matter of witnesses is for
you to decide. We've seen enough to know that Glitz is an admitted
criminal. Any testimony from him must therefore be dubious in the
MEL: But not from me. I'm as truthful, honest, and about as boring as
INQUISITOR: This court is not, for the moment, impugning your
integrity, young lady.
MASTER [on screen]: Let Sabalom Glitz speak.
INQUISITOR: Criminals have been known to speak the truth, Valeyard,
especially when their own interests are not at stake.
VALEYARD: My point, my lady, is that this person who calls himself the
Master, whoever he might be, should not be permitted to produce
MASTER [on screen]: You pretend not to know me, do you? I'm surprised
by the shortness of the Valeyard's memory.
INQUISITOR: The Doctor may, in his defence, call witnesses to rebut
your evidence, after which you may cross-examine them. That is the
VALEYARD: My lady.
MASTER [on screen]: If I might intercede?
INQUISITOR: You have no part in these proceedings, sir.
MASTER [on screen]: Corporeally, of course not, but I'm present, and
enjoying myself enormously.
INQUISITOR: Doctor, please examine your witnesses.
DOCTOR: Yes, madam.
(Glitz is taken with the carvings on the Time Lord's benches.)
GLITZ: This is real machonite, you know. Worth a few grotzits today,
GLITZ: I could make you a fair offer on a job lot, do you a very good
DOCTOR: You were sent here by the Master.
GLITZ: Yeah, well, he's a business partner, so to speak. We've had a
few nice little tickles together
DOCTOR: This court is not interested in your sordid business deals,
INQUISITOR: Very good, Doctor. Keep him to the point.
DOCTOR: When we last met, you expressed interest in a box.
DOCTOR: What was in that box?
GLITZ: I don't know. Scientific stuff, so he said. Stuff the Sleepers
have been nicking from the Matrix for years.
KEEPER: The Matrix? My Matrix?
GLITZ: Right. Well, it seems the Sleepers had found a way to break into
the Matrix, and they were creaming off all this high-tech info to take
back to Andromeda.
DOCTOR: But they were operating from Earth.
GLITZ: Of course. That was their cover, wasn't it. They knew that the
Time Lords eventually would trace the leak.
VALEYARD: He's lying, my lady.
DOCTOR: I don't think so, Stackyard. It all begins to make very good
MEL: That's it, Doc. Now we're getting at the dirt.
DOCTOR: Doc? Carry on, Glitz. What happened next?
GLITZ: Well, eventually the Time Lords did suss out the leak, so they
wanted to wipe out all the Sleepers, and they used this er, magno.
GLITZ: That's it.
DOCTOR: Well, that can only be done by an order in High Council.
MASTER [on screen]: Of course, Doctor. To protect their own secrets,
they drew the Earth and its constellation billions of miles across
DOCTOR: Causing the fireball which nearly destroyed the planet.
MASTER [on screen]: Of little consequence in the High Council's
planning. The robot recovery mission from Andromeda sped past Earth out
into space. Gallifreyan secrets were saved, except that at the first
intimation of the coming fireball, the Andromedans were able to set up
a survival chamber for the Sleepers.
DOCTOR: So that's why Earth was renamed Ravalox. That sanctimonious
gang of hypocrites were covering their tracks.
MASTER [on screen]: Exactly. It takes time, Doctor, but eventually you
DOCTOR: They put an ancient culture like the Earth to the sword for the
sake of a few miserable, filthy scientific advances?
GLITZ: Big market for them, Doctor, so he said. Worth a lot of
DOCTOR: In all my travellings throughout the universe I have battled
against evil, against power-mad conspirators. I should have stayed
here. The oldest civilisation, decadent, degenerate and rotten to the
core. Ha! Power-mad conspirators, Daleks, Sontarans, Cybermen, they're
still in the nursery compared to us. Ten million years of absolute
power, that's what it takes to be really corrupt.
MEL: Take it easy, Doc.
INQUISITOR: Doctor, these unseemly outbursts
DOCTOR: Unseemly outbursts? If I hadn't visited Ravalox, as I then
thought of it, the High Council would have kept this outrage carefully
buried, as presumably they have for several centuries.
MASTER [on screen]: I must agree. You have an endearing habit of
blundering into these things, Doctor, and the High Council took full
advantage of your blunder.
INQUISITOR: Explain that.
MASTER [on screen]: They made a deal with the Valeyard, or as I've
always known him, the Doctor, to adjust the evidence, in return for
which he was promised the remainder of the Doctor's regenerations.
VALEYARD: This is clearly
DOCTOR: Just a minute! Did you call him the Doctor?
MASTER [on screen]: There is some evil in all of us, Doctor, even you.
The Valeyard is an amalgamation of the darker sides of your nature,
somewhere between your twelfth and final incarnation. And I may say,
you do not improve with age.
DOCTOR: Madam, this revelation should halt this trial immediately.
Surely even Gallifreyan law must acknowledge that the same person
cannot be both prosecutor and defendant.
INQUISITOR: The single purpose of this trial is to determine the
defendant's guilt or otherwise on the basis of the evidence that has
been presented. Anything else is, for the moment, irrelevant.
(The Valeyard flees the courtroom.)
(The Doctor gives chase.)
DOCTOR: Glitz, come on!
DOCTOR: We need him.
(The Valeyard is nowhere in sight.)
GLITZ: But he hasn't had time.
DOCTOR: There must be another way out of here.
GLITZ: He's gone!
KEEPER: The seventh door. He must have had a key.
KEEPER: The seventh entrance to the Matrix.
DOCTOR: Well, quickly, man, open it. He must be brought back.
INQUISITOR: I agree.
(The Keeper goes to a multi-coloured section of wall and gives the key
to the Doctor. The Doctor opens the panel to reveal glowing white
KEEPER: You'll never find him. The Matrix is a micro-universe.
MEL: Don't go, Doctor.
DOCTOR: I must. Perhaps nothing in my life has ever been so important.
Come on, Glitz.
(The Doctor pulls Glitz inside.)
INQUISITOR: Be silent! Come, let us return to the trial room.
MEL: Why? There's nobody to try anymore.
INQUISITOR: Come along, both of you.
(It is dark. A bell tolls and rats scavenge on the
straw-strewn paved ground of an alleyway. A bright light slants in,
then the Doctor appears. Welcome to the Gladstone Pottery Museum, Stoke
DOCTOR: Oh! Oh, what an unpleasant journey. What an unpleasant place.
(A poster on the wall warns of cholera. A voice calls out in time with
VALEYARD [OC]: Doctor.
(Then it goes quiet.)
DOCTOR: Glitz? Glitz?
VALEYARD [OC]: Bwahahahahahaha!
(Children are singing.)
CHILDREN [OC]: London Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling
down. London Bridge is falling down, my fair lady.
VALEYARD [OC]: Bwahahahahahaha!
(The sounds of a music hall - piano playing and laughter - drift across
as the Doctor begins to explore. He runs towards them and they stop.
Then a single woman's voice laughs. The Doctor has run into an open
area. He looks into a water barrel.)
DOCTOR: Well, I can't believe you're in there.
(A pair of arms shoot out of the water and grab his head, pulling it
DOCTOR: Glitz! Help!
(A beam of light deposits Glitz in the nearby alleyway.)
DOCTOR: Hurry, man!
(Glitz runs over to the Doctor, who is now lying on the cobbles.)
GLITZ: What's going on?
DOCTOR: Oh, I don't know. I don't know whether what just happened to me
was real or an illusion.
GLITZ: Looks like someone's had a go at you.
DOCTOR: Do you mind?
GLITZ: Oh, yeah, sure.
DOCTOR: We're not in the real world any longer, Sabalom Glitz. Whatever
attacked me was in that barrel.
DOCTOR: Or was it in my mind?
GLITZ: How can we be in a different world? We just stepped through a
door, that's all.
DOCTOR: Into the Matrix, where the only logic is that there isn't any
GLITZ: Yeah, I knew this was a mistake. My grip on reality's not too
good at the best of times. Here, this is for you.
(Glitz hands the Doctor a note.)
GLITZ: Now, if you don't mind telling me, how do I get out of here?
DOCTOR: It's from the Master.
GLITZ: I know. I've just given it to you. He said it would be useful.
DOCTOR: It tells me where the Valeyard has his base.
GLITZ: (reads) The Fantasy Factory, proprietor J J Chambers.
(The Doctor looks up to see the Fantasy Factory sign lit up.)
DOCTOR: So that's where he got to.
(The Doctor and Glitz walk towards it.)
DOCTOR: So why is the Master helping me?
GLITZ: Yeah, well, I'm sure you'll find out. I'm off.
DOCTOR: No, come on. I want you to meet my darker side.
GLITZ: I've done my bit.
DOCTOR: Pop in and say hello. You'll be perfectly safe.
(An upper storey of windows light up.)
GLITZ: What's going on?
(A harpoon hits Glitz in the stomach, knocking him down.)
INQUISITOR: Assuming I accept what you say about
the evidence against the Doctor, how much of it had been contrived?
MASTER [on screen]: For a lie to work, madam, it must be shrouded in
truth. Therefore most of what you saw was true.
INQUISITOR: Then the young woman, the one who died, was that true?
MASTER [on screen]: Ah, the delightful Miss Perpugilliam Brown. That
was clever of the Valeyard, exploiting the affection the Doctor had for
her. But then, of course, the Valeyard would know precisely how the
INQUISITOR: Then she lives?
MASTER [on screen]: As a queen, set up on high by that warmongering
INQUISITOR: I am pleased.
MASTER [on screen]: Sentiment will not keep the Doctor alive, my lady.
MEL: Isn't there anything we can do to help?
MASTER [on screen]: Remain calm. Concentrate your
thoughts. Prepare for the worst.
KEEPER: Huh. Sounds a bit gloomy.
MASTER [on screen]: You have any other suggestions, my dear Keeper?
INQUISITOR: Assuming I accept what you say about the evidence against
the Doctor, how much of it had been contrived?
DOCTOR: You'll catch cold lying there.
GLITZ: You're a hard man, Doctor. I could have been killed.
DOCTOR: Not when you're wearing a mark seven postidion life preserver.
GLITZ: Yeah, well, whoever threw that harpoon didn't know that. So much
for illusions. Anyway, I thought it was you he was trying to kill.
DOCTOR: Yes, he's playing games. He wants to humiliate me first.
GLITZ: Oh, I see. He humiliates you by throwing harpoons at me. It
makes a lot of sense.
DOCTOR: Your presence here makes his task more difficult. He knows
that. He also knows that together we can fight him.
GLITZ: Look, Doctor, I'm a small-time crook with small-time ambitions,
one of which is to stay alive. I'm sorry, Doctor. I wish you every good
luck, but I'm on my way. I've done my bit.
DOCTOR: If you leave and I die, what future do you think you'll have?
As the only witness to events here, the Valeyard will be forced to seek
you out and kill you.
GLITZ: All right, I'll help you.
DOCTOR: Good man. Now, button your life preserver and let's get on with
INQUISITOR: In all my experience, I have never
before had to conclude a case in both the absence of the accused and
MASTER [on screen]: One and the same person, madam.
INQUISITOR: So you've said, but can you prove that?
MASTER [on screen]: I know them both. But I suggest you question the
High Council. They set up this travesty of a trial, making a scapegoat
of the Doctor to conceal their own involvement.
INQUISITOR: Is there any reason why I should accept that allegation
from a renegade Time Lord?
MASTER [on screen]: Yes, if you're concerned with learning the truth.
INQUISITOR: What is your interest in this matter? Not, I think, concern
for the Doctor.
MASTER [on screen]: Oh, indeed not. The Doctor's well matched against
himself. One must destroy the other.
MEL: How utterly evil.
MASTER [on screen]: Thank you. I think I'd lay a shade more odds on the
Valeyard, though the possibility of their mutual destruction must
exist. That would be perfect.
MEL: You're despicable.
MASTER [on screen]: So many compliments. May I say,
you're a charming child.
MEL: You beast.
INQUISITOR: Be quiet, girl. Am I
to take it that some base desire for revenge is your motive for
MASTER [on screen]: There's nothing purer and more unsullied, madam,
than the desire for revenge. But, if you follow the metaphor, I've
thrown a pebble into the water, perhaps killing two birds with one
stone, and causing ripples that'll rock the High Council to its
foundations. What more could a renegade wish for?
(The Doctor and Glitz enter a Victorian era
office, where a man is writing at a desk, using a quill pen and an oil
lamp for illumination.)
DOCTOR: How do you do? I think we're expected.
GLITZ: Are you sure we're in the right place?
(The Doctor rings the bell on the desk, and the man finally looks up.)
DOCTOR: We'd like to see the proprietor, please.
POPPLEWICK: Do you have an appointment, sir? Mister Chambers only sees
people by appointment. Most particular about appointments is our Mister
DOCTOR: I think you'll find we're expected.
POPPLEWICK: What is your name, sir?
DOCTOR: I am known as the Doctor, and this is Mister Sabalom Glitz.
(Popplewick checks in his book.)
GLITZ: If this Valeyard wants you dead, he's got a funny way of going
DOCTOR: I've told you. It's called humiliation. Could you hurry up,
please? We haven't got all day.
POPPLEWICK: There are procedures to follow, sir. Necessary routines to
be completed. Even when I've found your names, there are many forms to
be inscribed before you may move on to the next stage of processing.
Processing is very important in this establishment. I'm sure that even
you will understand that such things cannot be rushed, sir.
DOCTOR: Oh, I don't know. I've always been a bit of an iconoclast by
(The Doctor opens a door and strides through.)
POPPLEWICK: You can't go in there, not without an appointment!
POPPLEWICK: Ah, Doctor.
(The Doctor checks the other office. Popplewick is still there, and
there are two more in this room.)
DOCTOR: Well, at least you're expecting us.
POPPLEWICK: We all are.
GLITZ: You're lookalike out there wasn't.
POPPLEWICK: He is the exception. The very junior Mister Popplewick
isn't permitted to expect anyone.
GLITZ: What's he talking about?
DOCTOR: I think it's called bureaucracy.
POPPLEWICK: I prefer to call it order, and the holy writ of order is
procedure. I'm sure you agree.
GLITZ: Oh, yeah, of course.
POPPLEWICK: For example, you wish to see the proprietor. Now, the
correct procedure is to make an appointment.
DOCTOR: But we're already expected.
POPPLEWICK: But the junior Mister Popplewick isn't allowed to expect
GLITZ: You knew we were coming. Why didn't you give him the nod?
POPPLEWICK: And upset the procedure? The junior Mister Popplewick has
his pride too.
GLITZ: I don't understand any of this. Here we are, waiting to duck a
terminal knuckle sandwich, and all this screeve's going on about is
whether we've got an appointment or not.
DOCTOR: Is there no way to expedite the procedure?
POPPLEWICK: Expedite? I am a senior clerk, sir. To me, the procedure is
sacrosanct. My work is a celebration of all that is perfect. Why speed
DOCTOR: Because your employer wants me dead.
POPPLEWICK: You seem to have found the one little weakness in our
procedure, sir. Would you sign this?
DOCTOR: What is it?
POPPLEWICK: A consent form, sir. The corridors in this factory are very
long and dark. Should you unexpectedly die, our blessed proprietor,
Mister J J Chambers, insists he inherits your remaining lives.
DOCTOR: Obviously the Valeyard doesn't trust the High Council to honour
their side of the bargain.
(The Doctor reaches for the quill tucked behind Mister Popplewick's
ear. He brushes his hand aside and gives him another quill.)
GLITZ: Sign that and you're a dead man.
DOCTOR: We're in the Valeyard's domain. He can try and kill me any time
he likes. I'll sign my remaining lives away to Mister J J Chambers.
(The Doctor signs the parchment.)
GLITZ: Are you sure about this?
DOCTOR: Absolutely. Now can we see your proprietor?
POPPLEWICK: The waiting room is through there. You will be summoned as
soon as your signature has been verified.
GLITZ: This is madness.
DOCTOR: Not if it precipitates my meeting with the Valeyard.
(The Doctor opens the door to the waiting room.)
DOCTOR: This is a very odd waiting room. Where are
the hopelessly out of date magazines.
(We scan the length of Camber Sands, Sussex.)
DOCTOR: Hmm? Glitz? Glitz?
VOICE [OC]: Bwahahahahahaha!
DOCTOR: What have you done with him?
VALEYARD [OC]: Look to your own predicament, Doctor.
(A hand reaches out of the sand and grabs the Doctor's ankle.)
DOCTOR: This is an illusion. I deny it!
(Another hand grabs his other ankle.)
VALEYARD [OC]: Not this time.
DOCTOR: This isn't happening!
(More hands appear as the Doctor frees one ankle then falls backwards.
The Valeyard laughs as the grasping hands pull the Doctor into the
VALEYARD [OC]: You are dead, Doctor.
VALEYARD [OC]: Goodbye, Doctor. Bwahahahahahaha!
(The Doctor screams.)
(Only the Doctor's feet are visible sticking out
of the quicksand as Glitz runs across the dunes.)
GLITZ: Doctor! Hang on! Where are you? Oh, no. Don't give in! I'm
(Glitz arrives at the feet, grabs at them and pulls the spats off.)
(The feet have disappeared.)
GLITZ: What a way to go. All in all, he wasn't a bad old codger.
Honest, of course. Still, nobody's perfect.
DOCTOR [OC]: (burbling) And that's the clue. Nobody is. Not even the
GLITZ: Oh, great cosmic protector of grafters and dissemblers, save me.
Save me! A voice from the grave.
DOCTOR [OC]: No, a grave voice.
(The Doctor rises vertically from the quicksand.)
DOCTOR: Bad joke. But everything round here is a bad joke.
GLITZ: No mud? But I saw. Your ankle armour.
(The Doctor is wearing his orange spats.)
GLITZ: I don't get it.
DOCTOR: Oh, do concentrate, Glitz. How often must I tell you? We're not
dealing with reality.
(The Valeyard appears.)
VALEYARD: Why waste your breath on that simple minded oaf.
(He disappears and reappears next to Glitz.)
VALEYARD: You cannot speak as though reality is a one-dimensional
(Then pops next to the Doctor.)
VALEYARD: Fortunately, there is a reality that you and I can both agree
on. The ultimate reality.
VALEYARD: The undiscovered country from whose bourn no traveller
DOCTOR: Puzzles the will. Hamlet,
act three scene one.
VALEYARD: I really must curb these urges. I've no wish to be
contaminated by your whims and idiosyncrasies.
DOCTOR: Quite so. But what I don't comprehend
(The Valeyard vanishes.)
GLITZ: He's over here, Doc. Slippery customer, your other persona.
DOCTOR: What I don't comprehend is why you want me dead. No. No, let me
rephrase that. It would satisfy my curiosity to know why you should go
to such extraordinary lengths to kill me.
(The Valeyard relocates to the dunes.)
VALEYARD: Come now, Doctor. How else can I obtain my freedom, operate
as a complete entity, unfettered by your side of my existence? Only by
ridding myself of you and your misplaced morality, your constant
GLITZ: Idiotic honesty?
VALEYARD: Oaf. Microbe.
GLITZ: Pardon me for trying to help. I'm neutral in this set-up, you
(The Valeyard returns to the Doctor.)
VALEYARD: Only by releasing myself from the misguided maxims that you
nurture can I be free.
(The Valeyard vanishes.)
GLITZ: Sounds to me like Armageddon's beckoning you, Doc.
VALEYARD: With you destroyed and no longer able to constrain me, and
with unlimited access to the Matrix, there will be nothing beyond my
(The Valeyard fades away and the Doctor sets off across the sands.)
GLITZ: Where are you off to now?
DOCTOR: To trace the Valeyard.
GLITZ: But he was here.
DOCTOR: Illusion, Glitz. The shadow, not the substance. But if you
don't want to come, you can stay here and build sandcastles. I'm sure
if you think hard enough, you can conjure up a bucket and spade.
GLITZ: Tell you something. If you two meet face to face, five grotzits
gives you ten he's first past the chequered flag.
(A thick mist drifts across the beach.)
GLITZ: What's that?
DOCTOR: Back pedal.
(They run for the dunes.)
GLITZ: Another illusion?
DOCTOR: Alas, no.
GLITZ: Sea mist? Fog?
DOCTOR: Asphyxiating nerve gas. This is in deadly earnest.
GLITZ: You've got to tell someone else before he
(Finally, proceedings in the Matrix are on the
MEL: We can't just sit here and do nothing. We've got to help him.
INQUISITOR: The Doctor chose to enter the Matrix. We are not empowered
KEEPER: If I may, my lady? You are applying logical thought to a
situation that recognises no logic.
MEL: Give me the key to the Matrix. I'm going in there.
(The Keeper trips Mel up.
The Doctor and Glitz run into a beach hut, which then dematerialises.)
MASTER: Welcome, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Well, I never thought I'd welcome the sight of you.
MASTER: It will not happen again.
DOCTOR: What puzzles me is why it's happening now.
MASTER: The explanation's quite simple. I want the Valeyard eliminated,
and you're the most likely candidate to achieve that.
GLITZ: Hang on. You told me this fleshy fair-haired personage was the
one you wanted to croak.
MASTER: With the Doctor as my enemy, I always have the advantage.
MASTER: But the Valeyard, the distillation of all that's evil in you,
untainted by virtue, a composite of your every dark thought, is a
different proposition. Additionally, he's infuriated me by threatening
to deny me the pleasure of personally bringing about your destruction.
And so he must pay the price. And you, Glitz, shall help me to collect.
(The Master takes Glitz into the interior. The console room fills with
a painful pulsing sound.)
[Outside the console room]
GLITZ: Would I be wrong in thinking that the
Doctor will soon be needing a machonite overcoat?
MASTER: Nothing so crude. He's merely being reduced to a catatonic
GLITZ: Cata what?
MASTER: The violent assault on his senses will trip a defensive
mechanism, and his brain will switch off.
GLITZ: He'll become a zombie.
MASTER: Temporarily. Long enough for my purposes.
(In the console room, the Doctor stands still and blank.)
(The Master's Tardis materialises as a statue of
Queen Victoria seated, on top of a column. The Master comes out.)
(The Doctor and Glitz follow.)
MASTER: Stop. This should prove an irresistible bait for the Valeyard.
GLITZ: You Time Lords take the cake. Talk about devious. Compared to
you lot I'm as transparent as crystal. Poor old Doc.
MASTER: Stop slobbering. Get over here.
(The Master's Tardis dematerialises as Glitz runs under an external
staircase. A Mister Popplewick puts a quill behind his ear,
goes onto the balcony to see the Doctor standing still in the
courtyard, goes back inside then comes out onto the balcony again
and smiles. He goes back inside then the Valeyard comes
out. The Master fires his Tissue Compression Eliminator at the
Valeyard, but the beams just bounce off.)
VALEYARD: You really are a second rate adversary. Did you imagine I'd
be lured by such a transparent ploy?
(The Valeyard throws a quill, which explodes as it hits the ground by
the Master and Glitz. They run across the square with explosions at
their feet. The Valeyard laughs and goes back inside.)
GLITZ: This could all be an illusion.
MASTER: Then stay here and find out.
(The Master runs off. A quill explodes next to Glitz.)
MEL [OC]: Doctor? Where are you, Doctor? Doctor!
(The Doctor wakes and sees a figure in silhouette.)
MEL: Doctor, is that you?
DOCTOR: Yes. Yes, of course it's me. Where are you?
MEL: This way. Quickly.
DOCTOR: What are you doing in the Matrix?
MEL: Forget the questions. You're alive, that's all that matters. Now
please, follow me before it's too late.
DOCTOR: Where are we going?
MEL: To get you out of this unholy mess.
[Outside the trial room]
DOCTOR: But that's the seventh door! You're taking
me back to the trial room.
MEL: Doctor, trust me. Don't you see that until you've cleared your
name, you're no better than the Valeyard is. A renegade on the run, an
DOCTOR: Quite the pragmatist, aren't you? You're quite right, of
course. Let's get it over with.
INQUISITOR: Doctor. You owe the court an apology.
DOCTOR: Well, if I do, then it is unreservedly offered, madam.
INQUISITOR: The charge of genocide is based on your own evidence.
MEL: And refuted by the Doctor.
INQUISITOR: It seems you have a champion in this young woman.
MEL: I was there, remember?
INQUISITOR: Would you accept her as an impartial witness?
DOCTOR: I would trust Mel with my life.
INQUISITOR: Good. Keeper.
DOCTOR [on screen]: The vionesium, Mel!
(The Vervoids wither and die in the bright light.)
INQUISITOR: Is that a true record of what occurred?
MEL: What shall I say, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Just tell the truth.
MEL: Yes, but I don't want her to twist it like the Valeyard did.
DOCTOR: The truth can't harm me.
MEL: That's what happened.
INQUISITOR: Is it your contention that the Doctor was solely
responsible for devising the scheme we are presently reviewing on the
MEL: Oh, absolutely. Without the Doctor, we'd all ended up on the
Vervoid's revolting compost heap.
INQUISITOR: A unique solution.
MEL: Out of this world.
INQUISITOR: An appropriate expression, wouldn't you say, my lords?
MEL: Appropriate? Something's going wrong here. I can sense it. You
said the truth couldn't harm you, yet I have the feeling I'm attending
a lynching party. Tell them you had no choice, Doctor.
DOCTOR: There's always a choice.
INQUISITOR: Doctor, you stand accused of genocide. The evidence is
incontrovertible. The verdict is guilty.
INQUISITOR: Your life is therefore forfeit. Take him from this court.
MEL: No, leave him alone!
DOCTOR: Unless we are prepared to sacrifice our lives for the good of
all, then evil and anarchy will spread like the plague. The rule of law
must prevail. Madam, I accept your verdict.
(We pull out to reveal that this was a scene on
the Matrix screen.)
MEL: Switch it off. Switch it off! The Doctor's been tricked into
believing that that was the real trial room. The Valeyard's illusion
has deliberately taken advantage of the Doctor's romantic nature. He's
convinced he must sacrifice himself, and you're content to let him.
INQUISITOR: We cannot interfere.
MEL: Well, I can!
(Mel stamps on the Keeper's foot, grabs the Key and runs into the
(The Doctor is in a tumbril being pulled into the
courtyard. Mel hears laughter.)
CHILDREN [OC]: London's burning, London's burning.
(The tumbril goes past Glitz, who wakes.)
VALEYARD [OC]: Glitz. Glitz. Sabalom Glitz.
(The tumbril stops.)
VALEYARD [OC]: Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead.
DOCTOR: It is a far, far better thing that I do than I have ever done.
It is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known.
(Mel comes running.)
MEL: Never mind the Sydney Carton heroics. You're not signing on as a
DOCTOR: Go away, Mel. Go away.
MEL: That trial was an illusion.
(The tumbril vanishes and the Doctor falls onto the cobblestones.)
DOCTOR: Ow! You've ruined everything.
MEL: Ruined? I've just saved your neck.
DOCTOR: All you've done is keep me from a confrontation with the
MEL: But you were on your way to
DOCTOR: To a death chamber as a result of a bogus trial and my noble
act of self-sacrifice.
MEL: You knew it was an illusion? How come?
DOCTOR: Because of you, Mel. In your evidence you testified you'd heard
me deny the charge of genocide, but you weren't even there. You hadn't
been inside the courtroom at that time. And with your extraordinary
ability of total recall, you wouldn't have made such an elementary
MEL: Okay, okay, I'm not deaf.
DOCTOR: The Valeyard overestimates his own cleverness. Like all
megalomaniacs, he is consumed with his own vanity. There, that should
inflame his bloated ego. Come on.
DOCTOR: To find Mister J J Chambers.
(The Master and Glitz are watching this on the
MASTER: I want you to rejoin the Doctor and lead him to the Valeyard.
GLITZ: No chance. You don't catch me going near no more quill pens
(The Master swings a shiny pendant in front of Glitz.)
GLITZ: I'm just going to stay here till I can get back to my own kind
and some honest thieving.
(Glitz's eyes follow the pendant.)
MASTER: Splendid, splendid. Listen to me. Are you listening, Sabalom
GLITZ: Not really. I was just wondering how many grotzits this little
bauble cost you.
(Glitz takes it from the Master, so the Master wheels out a large
MASTER: Perhaps this will appeal to your crass soul.
(A pirate's treasure chest.)
GLITZ: Truly a wondrous sight for a connoisseur such as myself. There
isn't a living creature in the universe I couldn't bribe with this
MASTER: Yours, if you follow my orders.
(The Master slams the lid shut, just missing Glitz's fingers.)
(No Popplewicks in sight. The Doctor searches.) i
MEL: I still reckon we'd be better off outside the Matrix.
DOCTOR: Oh? Oh, you do?
MEL: It seems to me we should try and draw the Valeyard out to where
the odds would be more even.
DOCTOR: And how do we do that?
MEL: I hate to say this but, er, use you as bait.
DOCTOR: Assuming that it's me he's after.
MEL: Oh, come on. Just look at the elaborate
lengths he's gone to already.
DOCTOR: Yes. Yes, they were elaborate, weren't they? Perhaps too
MEL: There are times in our relationship when I feel an interpreter
wouldn't come amiss.
(Mel opens the Waiting room door.)
DOCTOR: Don't go through that
(A fire-breathing dragon is on the other side. Mel screams and slams it
(Glitz retrieves the data storage box that he
originally stole from Drathro in the Mysterious Planet from the junior
Mister Popplewick's desk.)
POPPLEWICK: Sticky fingers, Mister Glitz?
GLITZ: The Matrix memory bank. I thought this was destroyed on Ravalox.
POPPLEWICK: That was a duplicate. This is the master tape.
GLITZ: Phase three, four, five and six. All the secrets of the Matrix.
POPPLEWICK: Not all. The primitive phases one and two have been
relegated to the archives. Now kindly put it back and do as you're
GLITZ: I'd give my soul for this.
POPPLEWICK: You would? Would you, indeed.
(Popplewick aims a hand gun at Glitz.)
GLITZ: You'd like to negotiate, Mister Popplewick? Sir?
(The Doctor has found an interesting paper in an
DOCTOR: Look at this, Mel.
MEL: A list of names.
DOCTOR: Of Time Lords attending my trial. Every member of the Ultimate
Court of Appeal, the supreme guardians of Gallifreyan law.
MEL: Why are they all crossed through?
DOCTOR: Do you notice something else?
DOCTOR: The handwriting.
MEL: It's yours.
(Popplewick and Glitz enter.)
POPPLEWICK: I really must protest at this unseemly behaviour. You are
contravening all known procedure.
GLITZ: Due to my not inconsiderable powers of persuasion
(Glitz has got hold of Popplewick's gun. Popplewick is carrying the
GLITZ: This minion has agreed to take us to his boss, the mysterious
Mister J J Chambers.
DOCTOR: Will you lead the way, Mister Popplewick?
(The Doctor gestures to the Waiting Room door.)
POPPLEWICK: No! No, not through there. Mister Chambers is across the
GLITZ: If he isn't, there'll be one bureaucrat less in the Matrix.
DOCTOR: Ah, just a minute. You won't be needing
this, Mister Popplewick.
(The Doctor removes the quill from behind Popplewick's ear.)
GLITZ: Very astute of you, Doc. You should live a long time.
DOCTOR: I already have. Over nine hundred years.
(Glitz and Popplewick leave.)
MEL: What's the secret?
DOCTOR: Secret, Mel? What secret?
DOCTOR: You know, I am beginning to realise that I
have misjudged Mister J J Chambers, alias the Valeyard.
MEL: Not for the first time. In fact, how you've managed to survive
nine hundred odd years beats me.
(Mel and the Doctor walk between Glitz and Popplewick.)
GLITZ: We had an agreement. I've done my bit. I've delivered the
(Popplewick holds out his hand for the gun.)
GLITZ: Uh uh. The Matrix memory tapes first.
POPPLEWICK: Oh, very well.
(They swap the gun and the tape box.)
GLITZ: Tell the Doctor I didn't sell him down the Milky Way for
POPPLEWICK: I'm sure that will be a consolation to him in his final
(Popplewick fires his gun at Glitz. Glitz holds up the ball that should
have been in it.)
MASTER: Very astute, Sabalom Glitz, but this is loaded.
GLITZ: What's that for? I thought we trusted each other. I was on my
way to see you.
MASTER: My trust of you is in equal proportion to your trust of me. The
Tardis is over there.
(Glitz and the Master run into the pedestal of the
statue of Queen Victoria and it dematerialises.)
(A lovely big Victorian steam engine is turning a
large wheel and belt.)
DOCTOR: Oh, doesn't it fill you with admiration, Mel, eh?
Such craftsmanship. Pride in every cog and piston.
MEL: Doctor, there is another priority. The Valeyard, remember?
DOCTOR: Yeah, how could I forget.
MEL: Where's Glitz?
DOCTOR: I don't know. Decided to stay outside on guard perhaps, eh,
POPPLEWICK: Er, yes. I perceive Mister Chambers is not here. I shall go
and find him for you, sir.
DOCTOR: Yes. Yes, you do that, Mister Popplewick.
(Popplewick leaves, and the Doctor starts looking through the various
tools and implements on display.)
MEL: If I knew what you were looking for, maybe I could help.
(The Doctor shushes her and runs after Mister Popplewick with a piece
of string. Popplewick returns through a door marked Danger.)
POPPLEWICK: I'm awfully sorry, sir. I don't seem to be able to locate
DOCTOR: Yes. Well, I rather thought you might have some trouble. Who's
(Popplewick turns and the Doctor grabs his arms.)
DOCTOR: Don't just stand there, Mel, help me!
POPPLEWICK: Unhand me! Stop!
(They tie Popplewick's hands behind his back and to an iron railing.)
POPPLEWICK: This is preposterous. You will regret this. Mister Chambers
will demand an explanation for this iniquitous, this wicked behaviour.
DOCTOR: Well, let's ask him, shall we?
(The Doctor pulls the mask off Popplewick to reveal the Valeyard, then
removes the Victorian costume.)
MEL: How did you know?
DOCTOR: The performance was too grotesque to be real. I have never been
able to resist a touch of the Grand Guignol. Have we?
VALEYARD: You'll soon have ample scope to indulge in melodrama.
(Mel goes to the door marked Danger.)
DOCTOR: Really? Why?
(She opens it to reveal a mixture of modern and Victorian technology.)
MEL: A megabyte modem.
DOCTOR: A maser.
MEL: A maser?
DOCTOR: An acronym, for microwave amplification and stimulated emission
MEL: But what does it do?
VALEYARD: Yes, Doctor. Enlighten us. Disseminate the news.
DOCTOR: Disseminate? A particle disseminator?
(As he speaks, the Valeyard quietly works to free his hands.)
VALEYARD: The ultimate weapon. Even subatomic particles, gravitons,
quarks, tau mesons, all completely disseminated.
MEL: Destroy us and you destroy yourself. What's the joke?
DOCTOR: I've just realised. My writing. Our writing. A hit list.
MEL: But how? These Time Lords, or supreme guardians of the law, as you
called them, are all in the trial room, and we're in the Matrix.
DOCTOR: The Matrix screen. Mel, get back to the trial room. Tell them
to disconnect the Matrix screen and evacuate the court.
MEL: But I can't leave you
DOCTOR: Go! Do it, or there'll be mass murder.
(The Keeper of the Matrix enters.)
KEEPER: My lady, an urgent message. The High Council has been deposed.
Insurrectionists are running amok on Gallifrey.
MASTER [on screen]: Thank you, Keeper. That is the news I'd been
awaiting. Listen carefully. I have an edict to deliver. Somewhere the
Valeyard and the Doctor are engaged in their squalid duel. With luck,
they'll kill each other, but that is a mere coincidental occurrence.
What I have to impart is of vital importance to all of you. Now that
Gallifrey is collapsing into chaos, none of you will be needed. Your
office will be abolished. Only I can impose order. I have control of
the Matrix. To disregard my commands will be to invite summary
GLITZ: Now that you've purged that from your
system, can we get on? Load the cassette.
MASTER: You really are the archetypal philistine.
(The Master loads the Matrix tape into his Tardis console base.)
MASTER: Moments such as this should be savoured.
(He turns it on, and he and Glitz are pushed away from the console by
waves emanating from it. Their world turns black and white and their
voices start to slow down.)
GLITZ: Wha? What's happening?
MASTER: A limbo atrophier.
GLITZ: A limbo atrophier?
(The Master and Glitz are pressed up against the console room walls,
with looks of horror on their faces.)
VALEYARD: You are elevating futility to a high
art. There's nothing you can do to prevent the catharsis of spurious
DOCTOR: If you could compile this monstrosity, it follows that I should
be able to unravel it.
(Mel rushes in. The Master's look of horror is
frozen on the screen.)
MEL: Disconnect the Matrix!
INQUISITOR: We cannot switch off without the Keeper, and he's not
MEL: Then get out of here, quickly. Your lives depend on it.
(The guards are out first, because they're closest to the door.
In the Matrix, the Valeyard finally frees himself as the Doctor
unscrews a brass connection, throws a switch and the contraption bursts
The Matrix screen explodes, sending energy bits rushing through the
courtroom over the heads of the cowering Time Lords, Inquisitor and
DOCTOR: Eureka! And you said it couldn't be
VALEYARD: What have you done?
DOCTOR: Induced an anti-phase signal into the telemetry unit. The whole
system should self-destruct.
VALEYARD: You blundering imbecile. You triggered a ray phase shift that
may amass a feedback into here.
(The Valeyard pushes the Doctor to the floor.)
(The energy bits start to enter the Engine room.)
VALEYARD: No. It's too late!
(The Doctor runs out into the courtyard while the Valeyard collapses by
his machine. The Fantasy Factory explodes.)
(With the final explosion from the Matrix, it all
goes quiet. Everyone starts to sit up again. The Doctor runs in.)
DOCTOR: Ah. Now, let me see. Where were we? I was about to be
sentenced, I believe.
INQUISITOR: All charges against you are dismissed, Doctor. We owe you
an immense debt of gratitude, which I can partly repay by telling you
that the young woman, Miss Perpugilliam Brown, is alive and well and
living as a warrior queen with King Yrcanos.
(We are shown Peri with a full head of hair standing with Yrcanos.)
DOCTOR: Ah. Verumnic.
INQUISITOR: Now then, once law and order have been restored, a new High
Council will need to be elected. Can I persuade you to stand for Lord
DOCTOR: Ah. Ah ha. I've a better idea.
MEL: He's going to suggest you stand.
DOCTOR: Indeed I am. And were there such a thing as an intergalactic
postal vote, you'd have mine.
MEL: I shouldn't broadcast that, if I were you.
DOCTOR: Oh, you could do me one small favour, if you would.
INQUISITOR: Simply name it.
DOCTOR: When the Matrix is restored, you can do what you like with the
Master, but exercise leniency with Sabalom Glitz. He's not beyond
MEL: Just don't let him anywhere near the crown jewels.
DOCTOR: Gallifrey doesn't have any crown jewels.
MEL: Right. A bracing glass of carrot juice.
(The Doctor unlocks the Tardis.)
DOCTOR: Carrot juice?
MEL: And then we'll get you back on the exerciser.
DOCTOR: You know, I think I was rash in turning down that offer of the
MEL: Come on.
DOCTOR: Oh. Carrot juice?
(They go into the Tardis.)
DOCTOR [OC]: Carrot juice, carrot juice, carrot juice.
(The Tardis dematerialises.)
INQUISITOR: Repair the Matrix, Keeper. Requisition
anything you need.
KEEPER: My Lady.
(The Keeper bows deeply as the Inquisitor sweeps past and leaves, then
he turns to the camera and laughs. It is the Valeyard.)