(In an Victorian household, a small lift takes the
housekeeper and maid up to a part of the house which is kept secluded.
They walk along a short round tunnel to an open area with a table in
the middle. Curtains are around the walls apart from a closed door at
the far end where the housekeeper speaks through a panel. Everyone say
Hi! to the excellent Sylvia
PRITCHARD: I've brought you your dinner and your copy of the Times.
(The maid puts the dinner tray on the floor while Mrs Pritchard uses a
stick to lift another panel at the bottom of the door, then the maid
quickly pushes the tray through and backs away. In the room something
(Another servant scurries downstairs to answer the
front door bell. She lets in a clerical gentleman with long sideburns.)
MATTHEWS: Tell your Master that the Reverend Ernest Matthews has
arrived. Well? This house is Gabriel Chase, is it not?
GROSE: Yes sir, but, excuse me sir, as I understood it, you would not
be arriving until this evening.
MATTHEWS: Madam, my patience has already been sorely tried by the
interminable journey from Oxford.
GROSE: Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir. But you see, well, we
don't get many visitors, you see.
MATTHEW: Apparently not. Now kindly inform Mister Smith, if he is at
home, that I have answered his summons and am waiting.
GROSE: Yes, sir. Certainly, sir. This way, sir.
(The Tardis materialises in a corner of the room.)
ACE [OC]: Professor, thirty second penalty.
DOCTOR [OC]: Just get on with it. It's all part of the initiative test.
(A rocking horse's eyes glow and fade as Ace comes out from behind the
ACE: You're still a lousy parker. Hey, play time.
DOCTOR [OC]: Well?
ACE: It's a laboratory. Oh no, could a nursery, but the kids would have
to be pretty advanced. And creepy.
DOCTOR [OC]: Be concise.
ACE: It's well safe, Professor.
(Ace picks up a mechanical toy and plays with it.)
DOCTOR [OC]: Oh, very succinct.
ACE: It must be Earth.
DOCTOR: You tell me.
ACE: This equipment's prehistoric. I like the toys, though.
(The Doctor gets on the rocking horse.)
ACE: Oh, those things are pretty sick. I can't stand dead things. Must
DOCTOR: It's a surprise.
(The grandfather clock ticks towards six o'clock.
The servants hurry out of various doorways.)
GROSE: It's all right, my dears. Don't worry. Our day is done. We
shan't stay here a moment longer. And heaven help anyone who's still
here after dark.
(Mrs Grose lets the two maids out through the front door then leaves
herself, locking it behind her. Most peculiar.)
(Ace looks at the contents of a small
ACE: Nothing much in here. Alum, borax, carbon tetrachloride.
DOCTOR: Let me guess. Benzine, arsenic, boring things like that.
ACE: Yeah. Nothing volatile or explosive.
DOCTOR: No, they're all used as preservative agents in the art of
ACE: Urgh. Gross!
DOCTOR: Did you know Darwin suffered from seasickness?
(Ace investigates an early type of candlestick telephone.)
ACE: What I need's a phone card.
DOCTOR: It's odd, that, considering his origins.
ACE: Professor, how'd you dial out on this thing?
DOCTOR: Ace! Don't touch that!
ACE: Why not? It's my initiative test.
DOCTOR: You'll give us away. These days, trespassers end up in Newgate.
ACE: The prison?
DOCTOR: Yes. It took me three weeks to try and get out the last time.
Now give me that phone. Get off.
JOSIAH [OC]: Who's there?
DOCTOR: Er, sorry, wrong number.
JOSIAH: Using a telephone, Reverend
Matthews? Surely you're far too fastidious a creature for such demonic
DOCTOR: Well, now that you've so
successfully drawn attention to our presence, there's only one thing
ACE: Go and introduce ourselves properly.
DOCTOR: Victorians are sticklers for etiquette.
ACE: This isn't a haunted house, is it, Professor? I
told you I've got this thing about haunted houses.
DOCTOR: Did you tell me that?
DOCTOR: How many have you been in?
ACE: One was enough. Never again.
(The clock strikes six. Two panels in the entrance
hall wall open and four housemaids come out. A young woman is staring
blankly at the fire when a man puts his hands on her shoulders.)
JOSIAH: I think you should go and greet our guests, my dear.
(Ace and the Doctor hide from the prim maids.)
ACE: We used to go to museums on school trips. It was always don't
touch, don't wander off, don't give the school a bad name. We still did
DOCTOR: The front door's this way.
(Ace spots a stuffed bird on a side table.)
ACE: Hello, what's your name? You got stuffed and it wasn't even
ACE: See you later.
[The Doctor spots a small sliver stuff box on the carpet.]
DOCTOR: What do you make of that?
ACE: Don't know. Whose initials are RFC?
DOCTOR: It's your initiative test.
ACE: So I'm asking the questions. When was the Royal Flying Corp
DOCTOR: Ah, the name wasn't thought up until 1912. I can get you a
badge if you like. Ask me another.
(The Doctor gets a gizmo out, then moves Ace's hand away from the
ACE: Who's RFC? Professor, I'm only looking.
DOCTOR: Looking's one thing.
(He puts away his first gizmo and gets out a second. Click, click,
ACE: It's radioactive.
DOCTOR: Very slightly.
ACE: Is it safe?
DOCTOR: There is no safe level.
ACE: What about RFC?
DOCTOR: Well, let's hope he abandoned it before he came to any harm.
(Someone lowers an African spear between them.)
DOCTOR: Zulu assegai. Quite lethal.
(It is being held by a blond man with a moustache.)
REDVERS: Where did you find it?
DOCTOR: Here. I wouldn't touch it if I were you. This is my friend Ace,
and I'm the Doctor.
REDVERS: I'm a fellow of the Royal Geographical Society.
DOCTOR: Really? So am I, several times over.
ACE: Is it your snuffbox?
REDVERS: Please, young lady, you're barely dressed.
ACE: Who's undressed?
DOCTOR: Excuse my young friend. She comes from a less civilised clime.
ACE: What do you want me to do, wrap up in a curtain?
DOCTOR: Be quiet, noble savage. I'm sure in Central Africa you've seen
far grislier sights than Ace's ankle.
ACE: He can't see my ankle.
DOCTOR: Well, your boots, then. You're a big game hunter, I take it.
REDVERS: I am, but I've seen nothing that equals the atrocities that
are rumoured about this house.
ACE: Is this the surprise, Professor? Because I'm not impressed.
REDVERS: I must say, I'm very grateful to find an ally, Doctor.
DOCTOR: You are?
REDVERS: You have given me the proof I needed.
DOCTOR: The snuff box.
ACE: Don't touch it!
(Redvers picks up the snuff box.)
REDVERS: This is the first substantial evidence that I have found. I
came here to find
Redvers Fenn-Cooper, one of the finest explorers in the Empire.
DOCTOR: R F C.
REDVERS: I just knew he was in this house. I am commanded to find him
and save him from the clutches of that blackguard, Josiah Samuel Smith.
(The eyes of the stuffed bird watch them leave.)
(One of the new maids comes out of the lift with
Mrs Pritchard. The other two are lined up on the main staircase.
Reverend Matthews comes out of a room.)
MATTHEWS: Are you aware that I have been ringing for attention since
before six o'clock? I demand to see your master immediately. This
insolence has gone far enough. If I leave now, madam, Mister Smith will
regret the consequences. The condemnation of the Royal Society can be
ruinous. So be it.
GWENDOLINE: Reverend Matthews, you must forgive us for keeping you
waiting. I am Mister Smith's ward.
MATTHEWS: You are Gwendoline, are you not?
GWENDOLINE: Yes, sir. My guardian was most concerned that you'd been
kept waiting, but be assured he'll join us shortly.
(Stuffed animal heads mounted on the walls, the
articulated skeleton of a small, long-tailed ape, and a cabinet with a
cups above a rack of guns.)
REDVERS: Josiah Smith invited Redvers here. Redvers is his sternest
ACE: One of the finest explorers in the Empire.
DOCTOR: And he hasn't been seen since.
ACE: Perhaps he got lost on the way.
REDVERS: Henry Stanley found Doctor Livingstone. I shall find Redvers
(Redvers, for it is he, puts the assegai away with the guns. The Doctor
checks him over with the Geiger counter.)
REDVERS: Damn tsetse flies.
DOCTOR: How long did you say he'd been living in this house?
ACE: Can we go now, Professor? The whole place gives me the creeps.
DOCTOR: I thought it might.
ACE: Well, he's a head case. The house is like a morgue. Everything
(Redvers points a rifle at Ace and the Doctor.)
(A hunched butler is talking into a
NIMROD: Very good, sir, I understand. I shall be with you shortly.
(He is not quite homo sapiens, judging by the heavy brow ridges. He
goes to the locked door.)
NIMROD: Poor silent brute.
(Nimrod leaves, and an eye looks through a peep hole.)
VOICE: Not silent now.
REDVERS: Redvers had some stories. The pigmies
from the Eluti forest lead him blind fold for three whole days through
uncharted jungle. They took him to a swamp full of giant lizards like
giant dinosaurs. Do you know, young Conan Doyle just laughed at him.
Huh. Well, there's Doctor's for you.
DOCTOR: That wouldn't be a Chinese fowling piece, would it by any
REDVERS: We're two weeks out of Zanzibar. I must find Redvers!
DOCTOR: Tell me what else you found.
DOCTOR: Describe it. It's all right, I'm a Doctor.
REDVERS: Yes, there was light.
DOCTOR: A bright light?
REDVERS: Burning bright in the heart of the interior. It burnt through
my eyes into my mind. It had blazing, radiant wings!
(Redvers levels the gun at the Doctor's head, and Ace makes a dive at
(Redvers moves and she goes flying over a table. The Doctor backs away
to the curtains.)
REDVERS: Once, when Redvers was in the Congo, he faced a herd of
stampeding buffalo head on. He raised his gun and with one single
(The Doctor dodges aside, pulling the curtain aside to reveal Redver's
reflection in the window.)
REDVERS: Ah, there you are, old chap. Redvers, I've found you. What
have they done to you? You look like a ghost.
ACE: Is it really him?
DOCTOR: His mind's snapped. He's seen something too big to handle and
snuff out. A light. I think we'd better go get some help.
ACE: That'll blow our cover. All right, all right.
(Ace opens the door and Mrs Pritchard enters with two maids and the
PRITCHARD: Fenn-Cooper, where have you been?
DOCTOR: How do you do, I'm the Doctor and this is my friend
PRITCHARD: We've been worried about you.
REDVERS: Poor old Redvers. Poor old chap.
(Mrs Pritchard takes the snuff box from Redver's pocket while a maid
takes the gun.)
PRITCHARD: Come along.
(Mrs Pritchard twists Redver's arm up behind his back and marches him
out of the room.)
DOCTOR: We don't want him hurt.
REDVERS: No, not the interior! Please, I don't want to go back to the
(They leave with Redvers and the gun, closing the door behind them.)
ACE: You don't have to twist his arm like that!
NIMROD: A most unfortunate mishap, sir. I trust you and the young lady
are not hurt? The gentleman has fits of distracting behaviour and must
for his own safety be confined.
ACE: She didn't have to hurt him.
DOCTOR: My friend, Ace and I
NIMROD: My master, Mister Smith asks if you will join our other guest
in the drawing room.
ACE: (sotto) Professor, is this an asylum with the patients in charge?
DOCTOR: Given a chance it could be Bedlam. Thank you, er?
NIMROD: Nimrod, sir.
DOCTOR: Nimrod. Thank you Nimrod. We would be delighted.
(The Doctor hands his umbrella and hat to Nimrod.)
GWENDOLINE: But Uncle Josiah is a good man, and a
great naturalist too. You'll see when you meet him.
(Nimrod shows in the Doctor and Ace.)
MATTHEWS: Ah, so you finally condescend to meet me, sir. I am grateful
for your hospitality.
DOCTOR: How do you do. How nice of you to come.
MATTHEWS: Good grief.
DOCTOR: Oh, this is my friend Ace.
MATTHEWS: I see that all the stories about you are true. You have no
shred of decency, even parading your shameless wantons in front of your
ACE: Does he mean me, Professor?
MATTHEWS: I have it. This is some experiment related to your
mumbo-jumbo theories. Perhaps she'll evolve into a young lady.
ACE: Who are you calling young lady, Bog brain?
DOCTOR: No such luck. Quiet, Eliza. Now be a good girl. I'm making some
NIMROD: Ahem. If I might explain, sir?
DOCTOR: Ah, Nimrod, yes. There's still some tea in the pot if you'd
like to go and get a couple of cups. Thank you very much.
(The Doctor gives a large tooth to Nimrod.)
NIMROD: The fang of a cave bear! A totem of great power.
DOCTOR: Yes. Thank you, Nimrod.
(The Doctor eases Nimrod out of the room and closes the doors.)
GWENDOLINE: Sir, I think Mister Matthews is confused.
DOCTOR: Never mind, I'll have him completely bewildered by the time I'm
ACE: I'll help.
DOCTOR: [to Gwendoline] We've had some trouble with our carriage and
Ace can't go to dinner dressed like this.
ACE: Who says?
DOCTOR: So I wonder if you have any appropriate apparel that she may
GWENDOLINE: Gladly, Professor. Come, Alice. You can borrow a dress of
ACE: It's Ace, actually. Thanks anyway.
(Gwendoline and Ace leave. Lightning flashes above the big house.)
MATTHEWS: Now, sir.
DOCTOR: Yes, let me guess. My theories appall you, my heresies outrage
you, I never answer letters, and you don't like my tie.
MATTHEWS: You are a worse scoundrel than Darwin.
(Josiah Samuel Smith enters, wearing dark glasses and with cobwebs or
dust on his shoulders.)
(The lights around the room dim.)
DOCTOR: Ah, Josiah Samuel Smith, I take it. Dust to dust. I'm The
Doctor and this is
JOSIAH: The Reverend Ernest Matthews, Dean of Merton College, Oxford.
Your servant says welcome to Gabriel Chase.
MATTHEWS: Josiah Smith. Now perhaps you'll account for your theories.
DOCTOR: Fascinating moths.
JOSIAH: I recently made a study of these moths. Even in a single
species there can be a wide variation of colouring from countryside to
town. I'm certain they're adapting to survive the smoke with which
industry's tainting the land.
MATTHEWS: Darwinian claptrap.
JOSIAH: Nonsense, you say? I had hoped to find you more
DOCTOR: Yes, adapt or become extinct, Ernest.
MATTHEWS: No one asked for your opinion, sir.
DOCTOR: Nevertheless, I suggest you concede to my wisdom and button it.
MATTHEWS: I beg your pardon?
DOCTOR: Why don't you just read Darwin instead of condemning him.
(While lightning flashes, Redvers is sitting on
bare floorboards wearing a strait jacket. The snuff box is on the floor
nearby. It opens and a bright light fills the room.
ACE: Come on, something's happening.
GWENDOLINE: Wait, I can't wear this.
ACE: Of course you can.
[Outside Redver's room]
(Gwendoline and Ace are wearing men's evening
dress. Mrs Pritchard is standing guard with a candle as Redvers
GWENDOLINE: Mrs. Pritchard, what's happening?
PRITCHARD: The door is jammed.
ACE: Here, let me have a try.
(But Pritchard is in the way.)
ACE: Okay, stand back.
(Ace prepares to kick the door.)
DOCTOR: That's no way for a Victorian lady, gentlemen to behave.
ACE: I'm no gentleman.
JOSIAH: Well, Gwen, this a metamorphosis.
GWENDOLINE: It was Ace's idea. (Redvers screams.)
JOSIAH: Nimrod, the door.
(Mrs Pritchard gives Nimrod the key. As she walks away past Smith, her
candle flares and he flinches in pain.)
DOCTOR: Stay back.
(The door to Redver's room is opened and the bright light glares out,
making Smith recoil.)
DOCTOR: (to Ace) Cover your eyes!
NIMROD: I'm sorry, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Redvers, what did you see?
REDVERS: Poor old Redvers. He was so frightened his hair turned
completely white. He went quite mad, you know.
NIMROD: We must leave, Doctor!
DOCTOR: But he may need help.
[Outside Redver's room]
(Mrs Pritchard pulls Ace back by her hair.)
ACE: What's happening, Professor?
PRITCHARD: This way, please.
DOCTOR: I wanted to see him.
PRITCHARD: Out of the question.
JOSIAH: He will be well taken care of.
ACE: I bet. (to the Doctor) What was that light? He was so scared of
NIMROD: Doctor, I can personally assure you that Mister Fenn-Cooper is
being made comfortable and will come to no harm.
DOCTOR: Only the madmen may see the path clearly through the tangled
NIMROD: You have the wisdom of the greatest elders of my tribe, Doctor.
JOSIAH: Nimrod, you have duties to perform.
(Nimrod and Mrs Pritchard leave.)
ACE: He's a Neanderthal, isn't he?
DOCTOR: Yes. The finest example I've seen this side of the Stone Age.
(Nimrod presses one of six buttons on the table
and all the curtains rise to reveal a curved wall and a granite console
in front of a glowing golden oval wall screen. Nimrod kneels before it.
Something approaches from behind and hits Nimrod with a stick, knocking
him down. An eye watches through a peephole.)
VOICE [OC]: Did that hurt? Good. Now open door.
(The servants stand around the walls as the course
ACE: I still haven't worked out where this place is.
MATTHEWS: And I am still waiting for an explanation for your
ACE: What theories?
DOCTOR: Darwin's theories. They turned nineteenth century science on
ACE: Is there a free lecture thrown in with dinner?
DOCTOR: Yes, that was always his specialty.
ACE: Do we take notes?
MATTHEWS: Mister Smith disputes man's rightful dominion over the forces
JOSIAH: I hope you have a taste for calves' brains, Doctor.
MATTHEWS: Instead he maintains that mankind itself should adapt to
serve nature or become extinct.
JOSIAH: Well, sir.
(A telephone rings outside.)
JOSIAH: Oh, pray excuse me, sir.
MATTHEWS: Infernal telephonic machines.
ACE: Let's ring out for a takeaway. Anyone fancy a curry?
DOCTOR: I know a nice little restaurant in the Khyber Pass.
(Smith answers the telephone.)
JOSIAH: Nimrod! What's going on? I told you not to ring me now. Nimrod,
are you there?
VOICE [OC]: I escaped.
JOSIAH: It's learned to speak.
DOCTOR: Having trouble with your connections? Perhaps I can help.
ACE [OC]: Doctor!
DOCTOR: On the other hand, I have an emergency of my own. Excuse me.
Time to emerge.
(Mrs Pritchard enters by the opposite door, and the Doctor leaves the
JOSIAH: Mrs Pritchard, a problem has arisen. Ask Ernest Matthews to
join me in here.
PRITCHARD: Very good, sir.
(Mrs Pritchard crosses the room to the door to the dining room.)
JOSIAH: Then no one is to disturb us.
ACE [OC]: Doctor!
ACE: Doctor, where are you? I want to talk to you!
DOCTOR: Ace! What's the matter?
ACE: Face-ache Matthews in there says this house is Gabriel Chase.
ACE: It was all falling down last time I saw it in 1983. You tricked
me! This is Perivale!
(Two maids enter and Ace runs up the stairs. He follows her.)
ACE: It's true, isn't it. This is the house I told you about.
DOCTOR: You were thirteen. You climbed over the wall for a dare.
ACE: That's your surprise, isn't it, bringing me back here.
DOCTOR: Remind me what it was that you sensed when you entered this
deserted house. An aura of intense evil?
ACE: Don't you have things you hate?
DOCTOR: I can't stand burnt toast. I loathe bus stations. Terrible
places, full of lost luggage and lost souls.
ACE: I told you I never wanted to come back here again.
DOCTOR: Then there's unrequited love, and tyranny, and cruelty.
ACE: Too right.
DOCTOR: We all have a universe of our own terrors to face.
ACE: I face mine on my own terms.
DOCTOR: But don't you want to know what happened here?
DOCTOR: You've learned something you didn't recognise when you were
ACE: Like what?
DOCTOR: The nature of the horror that you sensed here.
ACE: It's alien.
JOSIAH: Ernest, pray sit down. I'm afraid that
something unforeseen awaits my attention. I shall have to ask you to
indulge me a little further.
(Nearby, Gwendoline is singing to piano accompaniment.)
GWENDOLINE [OC]: I don't know what it is about my
MATTHEWS: Having come so far, sir, I have no intention of leaving until
I've gained full satisfaction
JOSIAH: Then we're in accord. Mrs Pritchard, see to it that the Dean's
time passes as quickly as possible.
(Mrs Pritchard puts some liquid from a bottle onto a lace-trimmed
PRITCHARD: Very good sir.
(She puts the cloth over Matthew's face as Smith laughs.)
GWENDOLINE: (singing) That's the way to the zoo,
that's the way to the zoo. The monkey house is nearly full but there's
room enough for you. Take a bus to Regent's Park, make haste before it
shuts. Next Monday I will come and bring you such a lot of nuts.
GWENDOLINE [OC]: That's the way to the zoo.
DOCTOR: Come back to dinner, Ace.
ACE: When I lived in Perivale, me and my best mate, we dossed around
together. We'd out-dare each other on things. Skiving off, stupid
things. Then they burnt out Manisha's flat. White kids firebombed it. I
didn't care anymore.
DOCTOR: I think you cared a lot, Ace.
ACE: That's when I came over the walls of the house. This house. I was
so mad, and I needed to get away. It was empty, all overgrown and
falling down. No one came here. But when I got inside it was even
worse. I didn't know then. It was horrible!
(Smith enters quietly.)
DOCTOR: Tell me what you saw.
DOCTOR: Tell me, Ace.
(Ace runs out of the room.)
ACE: Excuse me!
(Josiah closes the door after her.)
JOSIAH: I must speak with you.
(Ace runs downstairs and notices the lift standing open. Mrs Pritchard
watches her get inside and operate it, and smiles.)
JOSIAH: I need your help, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Yes. It can't be easy being so far away from home, struggling
to adapt to an alien environment.
JOSIAH: My roots are in this house. I'm as human as you are.
JOSIAH: I'm afflicted with an enemy, a vile and base creature pitted
against me. It's waiting for me now. I believe that you can assist me
in defeating it.
(Smith offers the Doctor a bundle of white bank notes.)
DOCTOR: I'm not interested in money. How much?
JOSIAH: Five thousand pounds to rid me of the evil brute.
DOCTOR: (whistles) Now that's what I call Victorian value. But I'm
still not interested in money.
(The lift reaches the bottom and Ace gets out. Mrs
Pritchard closes the panel to conceal it at the top and bottom. Ace
realises she is trapped, and moves forward to explore. She sees Nimrod
still lying on the floor.)
VOICE [OC]: There's a new scent in the dark. There's a warming,
pulsing, racing blood! Smells like ratkin.
(Another curtain moves aside and human sized insects in evening dress
VOICE [OC]: Wake up. Move yourselves. Come on. Ratkin's come
to visit. Come on, move, move. Run, ratkin, run. Better get away.
(Ace runs into the tunnel.)
VOICE [OC]: Fetch!
ACE: You don't frighten me! Doctor!
VOICE [OC]: Ratkin! Ratkin!
(The stuffed birds start squawking.)
VOICE [OC]: Ratkin!
(Upstairs, the Doctor watches from the doorway as
Gwendoline opens a chest containing specimens. She gets to the large
bottom drawer, which contains perennial TV policeman Frank Windsor on his
second Who appearance, in a Police Inspector's uniform.)
DOCTOR: Beetles and bluebottles.
GWENDOLINE: It's one of my favourites in the whole collection. It's
GWENDOLINE: The Reverend Ernest Matthews will be leaving for Java soon.
Perhaps he'll see my father.
DOCTOR: Your father, is he there?
GWENDOLINE: Uncle Josiah sent him there after he saw what was in the
DOCTOR: Gwendoline, do you know where Ace is?
(The giant insects have caught Ace.)
VOICE [OC]: Revenge is nearer. Revenge, ratkin.
(Ace is brought to the closed door. Nimrod grabs a lantern and forces
the insects back to the alcoves.)
NIMROD: Get back! Back! Are you all right, miss?
ACE: They don't like the flame, do they.
VOICE [OC]: Door must open.
NIMROD: We must leave the chamber now.
VOICE [OC]: Open door! Quickly, quickly!
(An insect moves to obey.)
ACE: It's getting out! Give me that!
NIMROD: Stay calm! Follow me to the tunnel. While we have the lamp,
VOICE [OC]: No more lamp.
(An insect smacks the lamp from Nimrod's hand and it breaks on the
VOICE [OC]: Stop ratkin.
(Ace starts hitting an insect with a brass-tipped walking cane.)
ACE: I'll sort you lot out.
(Josiah is coming down the staircase.)
DOCTOR: Josiah, where's Ace?
JOSIAH: How should I know? Have you considered my offer, Doctor?
DOCTOR: What, to murder your enemy? I'm not your pet executioner. Ace
is in trouble.
JOSIAH: Be careful, Doctor. To cross me could be a serious error.
PRITCHARD: Miss Ace has already retired to bed, sir. Come, I will show
GWENDOLINE: Here, Doctor, to light you to bed.
(Gwendoline brings a candle.)
GWENDOLINE: Sleep well. Goodnight.
DOCTOR: Good night, sleep tight. Up the wooden hill to Bedfordshire,
otherwise known as Java. Well, not tonight, Josiah-phine!
(The Doctor blows out the candle.)
DOCTOR: Your puppet show doesn't fool me. Sorry to spoil your big game
hunt, but Ace need my
(The maids point hand guns at the Doctor's head.)
(Ace threatens the golden wall screen with the
ACE: Let us go or I'll smash it!
NIMROD: Give it to me! You are profaning the temple of light.
ACE: I'll profane you in a minute. And shut that thing up.
NIMROD: You are afraid and do not understand.
(Nimrod and Ace struggle for the cane.)
NIMROD: The sleeping one must not be woken!
(In their struggle, the cane hits the wall screen and gas hisses out of
a side vent. Ace and Nimrod fall, and the insects recoil.)
(An alarm goes off. Everyone turns to look at a
stained glass window at the top of the stairs which is now pulsing.)
JOSIAH: The fool! What's it done?
(The Doctor takes his Geiger counter and puts it to the back of
DOCTOR: Right, Josiah. Let's get down the rabbit hole. Get that lift!
(A maid obeys.)
DOCTOR: Open those doors! Quickly!
(Nimrod is on his knees in awe.)
ACE: Steam power! Oi, Tarzan. Nimrod! What's happened? Nimrod!
(Josiah is cringing as he leads the Doctor along the tunnel.)
DOCTOR: At the end of the tunnel. Get a move on. Ace?
ACE: Doctor, where have you been?
DOCTOR: Where haven't I been. I came as quick as I could.
JOSIAH: What have you done to my observatory?
ACE: Get off! It's what it nearly did to me.
DOCTOR: Ace, you haven't been tampering?
ACE: It was an accident.
JOSIAH: All my work could be ruined.
DOCTOR: That's my girl.
ACE: Oh, come on, Professor. Let's get out of this madhouse.
DOCTOR: No, keep him covered.
(The Doctor pushes the Geiger counter into Ace's hands.)
ACE: Move it, you.
(Gwendoline sits on the stairs, sobbing.)
GWENDOLINE: Why did Father go to Java and leave me? And where is Mama?
I try and try, but I can't understand.
PRITCHARD: That is a wicked thing to say. Wicked. Your mother would be
ashamed if she could hear you. Sitting there dressed like a music hall
trollop. It's this Doctor, filling your head with his ideas.
GWENDOLINE: His words are so confusing. Uncle Josiah's
ideas are much clearer.
PRITCHARD: Go upstairs and dress yourself decently.
(The Doctor tries pushing a coloured rod back into
the control panel. It pops back up and more steam gushes out of a vent
at the side of the glowing panel. He hangs the dish cover over the
vent. Josiah steps forward.)
ACE: Don't try anything.
DOCTOR: Oh, not a patch on the Flying Scotsman.
JOSIAH: Nimrod! Get up, you fool. It's got to be stopped.
DOCTOR: Better not to move him.
ACE: He fell against that thing.
DOCTOR: He disturbed whatever's hibernating inside.
JOSIAH: Don't touch it!
(Josiah falls to his knees.)
ACE: You're scared of it too, just like the others.
DOCTOR: Because you know what's in there, don't you, Josiah?
JOSIAH: There's an energy escape. I must stop it.
DOCTOR: Don't worry. I always leave these things to the last moment.
These husks. Old cast-offs of yours, I take it?
ACE: They attacked Nimrod and me.
JOSIAH: You're insane! If the membrane is broken
(A section of the wall lights up with a formula.)
ACE: Oh, what?
DOCTOR: Genetic codes.
(Behind their backs, Josiah reaches into a drawer in the table.)
DOCTOR: You've done a lot of exploring in here, haven't you, Josiah?
ACE: This is a stone spaceship.
DOCTOR: Yes, and the real owner won't be pleased when it wakes up.
(Josiah has got a gun.)
JOSIAH: I am the real owner.
DOCTOR: Oh no, you're not. You're just part of the cargo.
JOSIAH: You're so smug and self-satisfied, Doctor.
DOCTOR: I try.
ACE: Drop it.
JOSIAH: I'm not a simpleton. That device is a radiation detector, not a
(The Doctor takes it back and puts it in his pocket.)
JOSIAH: You're going to help me stabilise the energy loss, or most of
southern England goes up in a firestorm.
VOICE [OC]: Set me free.
(Redvers is struggling in his
strait-jacket when Gwendoline enters wearing a dress.)
REDVERS: Not much time left. Soon be light.
GWENDOLINE: Mister Fenn-Cooper.
REDVERS: So, you've seen Redvers, too. Where are they holding the poor
devil? I know he's close by.
GWENDOLINE: I'm lost. I'm so lost and alone.
REDVERS: Redvers got used to loneliness in the bush. He understands.
GWENDOLINE: I cannot find my mother. I'm sure she was here.
REDVERS: Don't be alarmed. Redvers Fenn-Cooper always escapes in the
end. He knows where the greatest secret of all is hidden. It sleeps in
the depths of the interior, and it must never be woken.
JOSIAH: Drive in the crystal rods when I instruct
ACE: After this I'll get a job at Sellafield. It'll be safer.
DOCTOR: (sotto) Just do what I do when I do it.
ACE: Hmm, very helpful.
JOSIAH: Lower the first rod.
DOCTOR: Oh dear, oh dear. Skeletons in the cupboard. Husks in the
ACE: Bats in the belfry.
JOSIAH: Do it!
DOCTOR: Now, now, don't shout. You'll never evolve into a nice
Victorian gentleman if you shout.
ACE: Did those husks really used to be him?
DOCTOR: Yes. Not much improvement on the reptile, is he?
(Josiah puts his revolver under the Doctor's nose.)
JOSIAH: Just do it! Now!
(The Doctor pushes a rod and pulls the serving cover off the steam
vent. Josiah gets a face full of it and recoils in agony. Ace picks up
DOCTOR: Well, I think congratulations are in order.
ACE: Congratulations? Maybe not. Professor, the husks!
VOICE [OC]: Give me freeness. I want freeness!
(Josiah runs for the tunnel as the husks open the door. Ace and the
Doctor pick up Nimrod and follow him.)
DOCTOR: Quick, get up! Move! Move!
VOICE [OC]: Control needs freeness now!
(They scramble into the lift and shut the grill.)
ACE: Quick, Doctor!
VOICE [OC]: Help me be like you.
ACE: Look out!
(A hand in a long white evening glove reaches in, stopping the grill
and outer doors from closing and grabbing at the Doctor.)
CONTROL [OC]: Give me my freeness!
DOCTOR: Ah, how do you do. I'm the Doctor and this is my friend Ace.
ACE: Just call me ratkin.
CONTROL [OC]: Ah, poor Control. No way out. No escaping. No hoping.
JOSIAH: Don't listen to it. It's a depraved monstrosity.
DOCTOR: Depraved or deprived? There, there, Control. There, there. Now,
which of you is the Jekyll and which is the Hyde?
CONTROL [OC]: Spare a farthing, Guv'nor. Pity poor Control, locked away
(Josiah hits the arm. It recoils and Ace gets the grill shut. The outer
doors close and Nimrod operates the lift.)
PRITCHARD: They're coming. It's almost first
(The Grandfather clock says 4:35.)
ACE: He's getting weaker.
DOCTOR: It's been a hard day's night. He's evolving again, to his next
(Ace picks bits of skin off Josiah's face.)
(Ace and the Doctor step out of the lift to be
greeted by the maid's guns. Josiah pulls the handle off the back of the
JOSIAH: I've sealed the lower observatory. Let Control rot down there.
PRITCHARD: You are ill, sir.
(Two maids help Josiah away.)
JOSIAH: It's getting light. Secure the house. I must change.
PRITCHARD: Take him to the upper observatory.
(Gwendoline has changed into a dress.)
DOCTOR: We won't see them till nightfall.
(They help Nimrod out of the lift.)
ACE: Shouldn't we follow them? What about Josiah?
DOCTOR: He sounded a little husky.
ACE: Oh, you mean he's changing into one of those things?
(Josiah shoots at a picture of Queen Victoria,
waking the Reverend Matthews, who is sitting in front of the Tardis.)
MATTHEWS: So, here you are at last. Haven't I been kept waiting long
JOSIAH: Reverend Matthews.
MATTHEWS: I perceive you are a sick man, sir. Divine retribution for
your blasphemy, perhaps?
JOSIAH: It will pass.
MATTHEWS: And so will your unholy theories of evolution. It's a
complete absurdity that the line of my ancestors could be traced back
to a protoplasmic globule.
JOSIAH: Please, go on.
(Josiah offers the Reverend a bowl of fruit. He takes the banana.)
MATTHEWS: Man has been the same, sir, since he stood in the garden of
Eden, and he was never ever a chattering gibbering ape.
MATTHEWS: What are you laughing at? Devil take you, why are you
(The Reverend's hands are now very hairy.)
GWENDOLINE: Can Nimrod be woken now?
DOCTOR: Oh, don't rush me, Gwendoline. The sun has got its hat on, and
we've got all day before Uncle Josiah dare show his face.
(Ace is reading a large book.)
ACE: Professor. Josiah's lucifigus.
DOCTOR: Yes. He doesn't like light, either.
ACE: What about the spaceship in the cellar? It's knackered, isn't it?
DOCTOR: Yes. I fixed it. Uncle Josiah knows as much about it's secrets
as a hamburger knows about the Amazon desert.
ACE: Sounds a bit like you and the Tardis.
(Gwendoline looks through the curtains.)
(She runs out of the room.)
DOCTOR: Let her go. Come on, Ace. We've only just started. Now, there's
one thing you haven't told me. What was it that frightened you so much
when you entered this house in a hundred years time?
(But Ace has fallen asleep in an armchair.)
JOSIAH: Reverend Matthews, I thought
you would amuse me, but you bore me just as much as you did
(Matthews is very hairy, and squatting on the chair
instead of sitting on it.)
JOSIAH: Gwendoline. Come here, dear child.
GWENDOLINE: Are you unwell, Uncle?
JOSIAH: Only sick at heart, my dear. Soon I shall restore the blighted
British Empire to its full power and vigour.
MATTHEWS: You're no better than animals. (chimp noises)
JOSIAH: The Reverend makes such a tedious toy, don't you think?
(Josiah produces a small bottle, and Gwendoline's eyes light up with
GWENDOLINE: Dear Uncle.
(Gwendoline takes out a handkerchief for Josiah to pour liquid onto.)
JOSIAH: We're so glad he has to go.
GWENDOLINE: And where is he going?
JOSIAH: To Java!
(The Doctor opens the bottom drawer.)
DOCTOR: Time to call out the constabulary. Now, Inspector, perhaps you
can assist us with our enquiries.
(The Doctor clicks his fingers until the Inspector's eyes open.)
(Someone has undressed Ace and put her to bed. Mrs
Grose draws the curtains and she wakes.)
GROSE: The Doctor said that you'd be fair famished when you woke up, so
here's scrambled egg, hot buttered toast, kedgeree, kidney, sausage and
ACE: Cholesterol city.
GROSE: Oh, no dear. Perivale village. Properly exhausted you were when
I put you to bed. Oh yes, and there's a message. Would you join the
Doctor and the police gentleman in the drawing room.
(Mrs Grose takes a dress from the wardrobe and hangs it up on the
GROSE: It's high time they were called. I've said as much to my
husband, Mister Grose.
ACE: I think I'll give that a miss, actually. I want to have a walk
round Perivale village before lunch. Is there a blacksmith on the
GROSE: Mercy me, no, dearie. There's only seven houses. Besides, you've
missed lunch. Why, it must be all of five o'clock by now.
GROSE: Yes, almost evening. Now, we must hurry. No one in their right
mind stays in this house after dark.
DOCTOR: Snap out of it, Nimrod. If I didn't know
better I'd say this was deliberate. Ten minutes was all it took to wake
up the more sophisticated, civilised, police inspector.
(The Inspector enters, eating a sandwich.)
MACKENZIE: Ah, you say this house is owned by Josiah Samuel Smith.
DOCTOR: I didn't say owned, I said inhabited.
MACKENZIE: Then where is he? This whole house is deserted.
DOCTOR: He will appear.
MACKENZIE: I suppose this must be the manservant. Nasty looking
customer. Must be a foreigner.
MACKENZIE: Ah, gypsy blood. I can see it in him. Lazy workers. What's
this one playing up over? Oh, beg your pardon.
(The Inspector brushes crumbs from the Doctor's jacket.)
DOCTOR: He's mesmerised.
MACKENZIE: No self-control, these Mediterraneans. Too excitable. Nasty
DOCTOR: Yes, especially when roused. Which is exactly what is
eluding me at the moment.
(Mrs Grose knocks on the door and
GROSE: Have you finished, dear? Oh, is anything wrong?
ACE: Where's my clobber? My gear? My clothes.
GROSE: Those shabby old things? Why, the Doctor had me lay out this for
you. Well, will it do, my dear?
ACE: No bustle. Okay, Professor, you win.
(Mrs Grose shows Ace a corset. She looks horrified.)
GROSE: Much more fitting for a young lady.
(An arm in an evening glove reaches up to push the
lift grill further open.)
CONTROL: Control be free to change.
DOCTOR: I'm busy, Inspector.
MACKENZIE: And I have my investigation to complete.
DOCTOR: Still not found the mustard? Since I awoke you, you
have consumed three English breakfasts, two elevenses and one
four-course meal. Why don't you go and get Mrs Grose to make you some
MACKENZIE: She's hiding facts from me, and so are you, and if you don't
tell me where the rest of the household is, I shall arrest you for
obstructing my enquires.
(During this speech, Ace enters wearing the dress. The Doctor hands off
a bottle of smelling salts to the Inspector and goes to her.)
ACE: Professor, you could have woken me sooner.
DOCTOR: This is Inspector MacKenzie from Scotland Yard. He was sent
here in 1881 to investigate the disappearance of the owner, Sir George
ACE: But that was two years ago.
DOCTOR: Yes, he's been in Josiah's cupboard ever since. Preserved,
hypnotised. Humour him.
DOCTOR: Inspector? This is my friend, Ace.
ACE: Hello. All right?
DOCTOR: I like the dress.
(The Doctor returns to Nimrod.)
MACKENZIE: Perhaps you can tell me where Lady Pritchard is, Miss?
ACE: Oh, you mean the old bag, the housekeeper?
MACKENZIE: I gather you live in Perivale village.
ACE: I'll be moving to the area, sometime. How's Tarzan?
DOCTOR: Still no change. Still out like a light. Light!
(Nimrod grabs Ace's wrist.)
[Outside the drawing room]
(Something is coming.)
DOCTOR [OC]: The fang of the cave bear calls you, Nimrod. Tell me your
NIMROD: At the season when the ice floods swamp
the pasture lands, we herded the mammoths sunwards to find new grazing.
MACKENZIE: Tricky things, mammoths.
NIMROD: Wise men cast bones to make hunting magic and spoke with the
voice of the Burning One.
ACE: Is this a race memory?
DOCTOR: No, these are his own experiences.
NIMROD: Now the wild world is lost in a desert of smoke and straight
lines. There is smoke thickening.
(The thing outside moves away.)
NIMROD: But light will return.
CONTROL: Light will return.
(And closes the doors.)
MACKENZIE: This madhouse needs one more good going
DOCTOR: Good idea. But try and be back by six.
ACE: Professor, look.
DOCTOR: Around here, the forces of darkness don't wait until midnight
DOCTOR: I know.
ACE: I thought the lift was broken.
DOCTOR: I mended it. It's very clever, climbing up the lift shaft, but
I had hoped that Control creature might bring something with it, and
for that it will need the lift.
ACE: Professor, what's going on?
DOCTOR: Quiet. Josiah Samuel Smith and Control are frightened of it.
Redvers Fenn-Cooper saw it and lost his mind. Nimrod, he worships it.
ACE: Let there be light?
DOCTOR: It's asleep down there in its spaceship and Josiah doesn't want
ACE: Well, maybe that's a good idea. Maybe it should be left alone.
Professor, just this once.
DOCTOR: It's very, very old. Perhaps even older. Just one chat.
ACE: Professor. Where's Nimrod?
DOCTOR: Gone to see a man about a god.
(There is a chirping sound from the specimen cabinet. Ace opens it.)
ACE: Urgh! They're alive.
DOCTOR: Yes. Things are hotting quicker than I anticipated. Quick, run
and get Inspector MacKenzie.
(Nimrod enters and locks the door behind him.)
REDVERS: Redvers knew the relief column would arrive.
NIMROD: Excuse me, sir, but you speak with the wildness of the old
world. Is it appropriate to seek your wisdom?
REDVERS: You won't get far without good supplies. Baggage animals,
NIMROD: The one I serve, sir, the Burning One, he's waking. What should
REDVERS: Stanley found Livingstone. I found Redvers, once. You
must hunt the dark continent. Seek out what you desire. But be warned,
you may find it.
(Nimrod produces a knife.)
NIMROD: I must free you from your bonds, sir.
REDVERS: The Doctor did that hours ago. Redvers only wears it
against the cold of the night air.
(The figure is at the console, pushing at rods and
ordering the husks about.)
CONTROL: Move! Time going faster than you. Move. Light
angry, burning angry, but not at poor Control. Control going showing
Light way up. Then Control on way up too!
(The wall screen breaks and light floods in. Control and the husks hide
(In the top of the house, the Inspector tries the
handle of a door concealed behind a curtain. A bird screeches, making
him jump, then Ace comes round the corner, startling him even more.)
ACE: Inspector? Found anything?
MACKENZIE: Nothing. This place has more locked doors than Reading Gaol.
(The door swings open. Ace goes through and up the stairs first.)
(The Doctor is talking to a cockchafer crawling
over his hand.)
DOCTOR: All civilisation starts with hunting and foraging, but don't
worry, you'll work your way up. You must excuse me. Things are getting
out of control.
(A lit candle on a small side table by the Tardis,
and three dust cloths covering what appear to be figures.)
MACKENZIE: No one up here, either.
(Ace removes the dust cloth from Josiah.)
MACKENZIE: Disgusting object. What is it?
ACE: It's what's left of Josiah Smith. It's just a husk. I think we
should get out of here.
MACKENZIE: Nonsense, young lady. That thing isn't dangerous.
(Mackenzie uncovers Mrs Pritchard.)
MACKENZIE: Lady Pritchard!
MACKENZIE: Sir George's wife.
(The next figure is -)
ACE: Gwendoline. She's their daughter, isn't she.
MACKENZIE: What's happening in this house?
ACE: They're just toys. They're just Josiah's toys.
(Another sheet covers a large display cabinet. Ace reads the plate at
ACE: Homo Victorianus Ineptus. Oh no, I don't want to see.
(MacKenzie uncovers it to reveal the Reverend Matthews posed as a
chimpanzee in a jungle, holding a banana.)
ACE: Reverend Matthews. I think I'm going to throw up.
(Nimrod is standing by the lift.)
DOCTOR: Nimrod, where's Ace?
NIMROD: I have not seen her, Doctor. I must seek the truth from the
DOCTOR: Stick around. I'll save you a trip.
NIMROD: Can you summon it, then?
DOCTOR: Let's just say I've made a deal with its agent.
(The lift is coming up.)
DOCTOR: That'll be them now. Where's Ace got to? It's not dark yet, but
I don't want Josiah to miss the show.
(The Doctor moves the hand of the grandfather clock from 5:45 to 6:00.
It strikes the hour and the four maids come out of their hidden
ACE: Let's get out of here, quickly.
(Gwendoline and Mrs Pritchard stand up. Gwendoline grabs Ace from
behind and they struggle.)
MACKENZIE: Let go of her! I am a police officer. You will do as I tell
(Mrs Pritchard backhands MacKenzie into Josiah's lap, where he is held
MACKENZIE: Let go of me!
(The new, fresh-faced Josiah steps out from behind a large painting.)
ACE: It's Josiah!
(Gwendoline lets Ace go.)
ACE: Stitch this, Dracula.
(Ace runs to a window and raises the blind.)
JOSIAH: I no longer need to crouch in shadows, young lady.
(Mrs Pritchard grabs Ace by the hair.)
ACE: You're no gentleman. Scratch the Victorian veneer and something
nasty'll come crawling out.
JOSIAH: Your meddling Doctor thought to get the better of me, but I'll
see him squirming yet. Bring her!
MACKENZIE: Let go of me! I am a police officer. You will do as I say.
(MacKenzie finally gets out of the clutches of the husk.)
DOCTOR: That's quite enough of that.
(The Doctor stops the grandfather clock's pendulum.)
NIMROD: Doctor, you are as powerful as you are wise.
DOCTOR: Cut the homespun twaddle, Nimrod. It's not wise. I've lit the
blue touch-paper and found there's nowhere to retire to. Ladies, I do
hope you enjoy indoor fireworks.
(A light glows behind the stained glass.)
NIMROD: The Burning One is coming.
DOCTOR: Hmm. I'd stand back from that lift, Nimrod, if I were you. To
catch a wolf, I may have unleashed a tiger.
(Josiah leads Ace, Pritchard and Gwendoline down the staircase.)
JOSIAH: Doctor, what are you doing? Stop the lift!
DOCTOR: Ah, Josiah. So you've finally evolved into a Victorian. How
quaint. And Ace, you've made it in time.
ACE: Sorry, Professor.
(Mrs Pritchard won't let her go.)
DOCTOR: Oh, don't apologise. Come and meet Josiah's new guest.
JOSIAH: Nimrod, stop the lift! Stop it!
DOCTOR: Much too late for that. It's now time to shed a little light on
PRITCHARD: Hold him.
(Two maids grab the Doctor and twist his arms behind his back.)
DOCTOR: Don't worry, Ace.
JOSIAH: You've made a pact with that creature. You don't know what
(Inspector MacKenzie appears at the top of the stairs.)
DOCTOR: No, but I'm about to find out. You can come out now! We're all
(The lift doors open and a veiled, stooped figure steps out.)
JOSIAH: Control, quintessence of wickedness, corruption incarnate.
DOCTOR: Thank you for trusting me, Control.
(Control removes a veil to reveal a female face.)
CONTROL: My half agreeing done. You desiring, in the darkness you shall
JOSIAH: Don't let it out!
(Josiah runs to shut the lift doors, and gets an electric shock.
CONTROL: Too late!
(The lift doors fling open and a blinding light floods out. Only the
Doctor does not flinch and turn away from it. Ace has to squint to keep
(A tall glowing figure in golden robes walks out
of the light and the lift.)
(Josiah, Mrs Pritchard and the maids flee up the stairs to the
DOCTOR: Josiah, come back! Er, how do you do? I'm the Doctor. This is
my friend Ace, and I hope you slept well.
(The figure walks straight past towards the drawing room as Inspector
MacKenzie comes down the stairs, then stops and turns.)
MACKENZIE: What the devil is that thing?
ACE: It's an angel, stupid.
DOCTOR: That's just it's shape here on Earth. It's called Light, and
it's come to survey life here.
ACE: It was crashed out in the stone spaceship in the basement.
DOCTOR: And while it slept, the survey got out of control.
CONTROL: Control is me.
DOCTOR: And the survey is Josiah.
ACE: And now Light's come to sort out the muddle.
DOCTOR: That was my idea.
(Josiah quietly instructs a maid to use her gun.)
MACKENZIE: And who are you?
DOCTOR: I wouldn't want to confuse you.
CONTROL: Remember our agreement, Doctor. You promised Control freeness.
CONTROL: Now! Tell it now!
LIGHT: How long have I been asleep, and why have I naturalised in this
(Light sees the maid coming down the stairs with the gun pointed at
DOCTOR: No, Light. Don't!
(The maid falls backwards.)
DOCTOR: That was unnecessary.
LIGHT: Wasteful. None of the weapons work.
DOCTOR: Josiah, withdraw with your people.
DOCTOR: We'll talk.
(Inspector MacKenzie makes for the front door. The bolt
LIGHT: Nothing leaves until I have explanations.
DOCTOR: How many more times, Light? This is Earth.
I mean, why don't you check the instruments in your spaceship? Where
has he got to now?
(Light appears with a bright flash.)
ACE: How does Light move so fast?
DOCTOR: He travels at the speed of thought.
LIGHT: Earth. Why mention that wretched planet to me?
ACE: If you don't like it, then bog off.
LIGHT: I once spent centuries faithfully cataloguing all the species
there, every organism from the smallest bacteria to the largest
ichthyosaur. But no sooner had I finished than it all started changing.
New species, new sub-species, evolution running amok. I
had to start amending my entries. Oh, the task is endless.
DOCTOR: That's life.
LIGHT: (deep) Control.
(The doors swing open to reveal Control and Inspector MacKenzie
listening at the key hole.)
LIGHT: How many more millennia must I suffer your company? Is this
CONTROL: Control wants her freeness. Be a lady-like. Doctor promised.
LIGHT: It is not his to give.
ACE: Did you promise, Professor?
DOCTOR: Things ran away with themselves.
CONTROL: Control too run away.
(And she does.)
DOCTOR: Light, Light, give her a break. She's not your real
LIGHT: You are interfering.
DOCTOR: Yes, just like you, only I didn't get caught napping. Why don't
you forget the survey, Light, and go!
ACE: Has he gone?
(Josiah, Redvers, Nimrod and Mrs Pritchard are
there, and Gwendoline on the rocking horse.)
JOSIAH: Nothing will delay my plans for the Empire. With luck, Light
and the Doctor will be at each other's throats before they even notice.
Mrs Pritchard will organise dinner.
PRITCHARD: Very good, sir.
JOSIAH: Gwendoline, it's time for Miss Ace to leave
GWENDOLINE: I'm sure she'll enjoy Java, Uncle, once she gets there.
JOSIAH: Not as much as you'll enjoy sending her, my dear.
(Mrs Pritchard and Gwendoline leave.)
JOSIAH: And Redvers Fenn-Cooper?
REDVERS: Redvers kicked over his traces and lost himself in the bush.
Lord knows if he'll ever find his way out again.
JOSIAH: And your other quest, Redvers?
REDVERS: I can't recall. The heat haze is dazzling.
JOSIAH: I need you, Redvers. Stay out of trouble. We have a royal
appointment to keep.
(The insects are escaping from the specimen
drawers, and chirping.)
CONTROL: Control's new world.
(She picks up a small beetle and eats it. Redvers comes round the
corner and holds out a bead necklace to her.)
REDVERS: You like them? You take. Now we trade words.
(The spaceship's computer is flashing a report on
the stained glass window.)
LIGHT: No. This is not Earth. It cannot be.
(A maid enters carrying a silver soup tureen on a tray.)
LIGHT: Come here, child. I need your assistance.
(The maid kneels as Light stares at her.)
(The Doctor and Ace hear a clattering sound,
presumably the tureen falling to the floor.)
ACE: What was that?
DOCTOR: Just our imaginations.
ACE: No sign of Control. It's weird. It feels like this whole place is
DOCTOR: Yes. It's the energy from Light's ship. Invigorating, isn't it?
DOCTOR: What does it remind you of? All right, all right, all right.
What happened here in a hundred years time is none of my business.
ACE: I thought this was a haunted house.
DOCTOR: It is.
ACE: I was only thirteen.
DOCTOR: Of course.
ACE: I got frightened, that's all.
DOCTOR: The Tardis key. You can always wait for me there.
ACE: That's the easy way out.
DOCTOR: Well, come on, then.
ACE: Doctor, have you ever had one of those nightmares where you
couldn't move? Doctor?
(Ace hears the stuffed birds calling.)
ACE: You're all dead! You're all dead! It wasn't my fault! I'm not
guilty! I couldn't help it!
(Ace sinks to her knees as she hears the two tone siren of twentieth
century emergency services, then it goes quiet again.)
GWENDOLINE: Ace, my dear, I want you to come away. Come away with me to
(Light stoops over the body of the maid
and they both disappear. Mrs Pritchard and two maids come down the
stairs as Inspector MacKenzie enters, eating another sandwich.)
MACKENZIE: Ah, Lady Pritchard. I've been wanting a word with you.
Perhaps we can sort this business out over a pot of tea.
(Mrs Pritchard forces MacKenzie to run up the stairs, then hands a
machete to a maid.)
PRITCHARD: Dispose of that specimen immediately.
(Ace gets the better of Gwendoline.)
ACE: You're a right little vicious Victorian, aren't you.
(Control is wearing a Victorian dress and trying
on hats in front of a dressing table mirror.)
REDVERS: The handsomest woman Redvers ever saw was daughter to an
N'Taba chief, but she had a bone through her nose and ate her cousin
CONTROL: Will Control be ladylike? Want so much.
REDVERS: Once this hunt is over, I'll make you the finest ladylike in
(The Doctor enters.)
DOCTOR: Having fun, Control?
CONTROL: You! You come taking away Control's freeness.
DOCTOR: Control, I've come to help you and to ask you for your help.
CONTROL: No help. It's mine. You won't take it.
DOCTOR: No, Control, don't!
(Control jumps through the window.)
DOCTOR: Come back! Bah. You won't get far!
REDVERS: Of course, if she was a real lady, I wouldn't be in her
DOCTOR: Oh, things are getting out of control. Even I can't play this
many games at once.
REDVERS: Then help me. Help me with my hunt.
DOCTOR: I haven't got time, Redvers.
REDVERS: But I'm hunting the rarest creature in the world. The crowned
(Redvers give the Doctor a picture of the widowed Queen Victoria.)
DOCTOR: Really? And who's sponsoring the expedition, Josiah Samuel
REDVERS: When I find it, I shall shoot it.
(Ace is trapped between Gwendoline and a maid.)
GWENDOLINE: Come on, Ace. I don't want to hurt you. It'll, it'll be
(Ace and Gwendoline struggle and fall backwards into the darkened guest
bedroom. The maid stands in front of the door as the Doctor and Redvers
walk round the corner.)
REDVERS: The crowned Saxe-Coburg isn't easy to discover.
DOCTOR: A good hunter always knows the signs, like a royal invitation
to Buckingham Palace, perhaps. Why else do you think Josiah has kept
you alive so long, Redvers?
REDVERS: Will you join my expedition, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Not yet. I've got to find Ace.
GWENDOLINE: Come here, you little brat.
(There is another figure in the dark room.)
ACE: Get off me, you! Control, help me!
(Control pushes Gwendoline down, then past Ace and out of the room. Ace
follows, pushing the maid inside then locking the door.)
(Nimrod discovers Light holding the severed arm of
LIGHT: I wanted to see how it works, so I dismantled it. I need another
NIMROD: Sir, you are Light. Long ago, my people worshipped you as the
LIGHT: I know you. I took you up as the last specimen of the extinct
Neanderthal race from Earth.
NIMROD: Yes, sir.
LIGHT: At least they knew when to stop evolving. Who released you from
your quarantine cubicle?
NIMROD: Mister Josiah, sir. I am in his service.
LIGHT: Look at these microbes. They're evolving even as I speak. My
entire catalogue of the planet is worthless. Centuries of work wasted.
(Inspector MacKenzie enters.)
MACKENZIE: Ah. Perhaps one of you can tell me where I can find the
Doctor. This place is like a madhouse.
LIGHT: We don't want things to change. We make sure that they cannot.
(Light stares at MacKenzie, whose eyes roll back into his head.)
(Control has the quilt over her head.)
CONTROL: Leave alone. Go away.
ACE: Am I still ratkin? It's all right. I didn't mean it.
CONTROL: Hate world. Hate freeness. It bites. Ran away into big empty
nothing. Sky flew away to nothing. Want to hide from big open emptiness
ACE: It's this house. When you're a kid you smash things you hate, but
what do I do if it keeps coming back?
CONTROL: World only changing for him. Now he's Josiah. Big man now,
leaving Control behind. Control no ladylike.
ACE: Oh, cut the whinging, Control. You want to fight back. You've got
to beat Josiah at his own game.
(Gwendoline's arm smashes through the door and unlocks it.)
ACE: Go on, try again. The rain in Spain falls mainly down the drain.
CONTROL: The rain-ah, in Spain-ah, falls mainly
GWENDOLINE: There you are, Ace, my dear.
(Ace and Gwendoline struggle, and Ace falls backwards onto the bed.)
ACE: Control, help me!
CONTROL: New game play. Control go next.
(Gwendoline gets the cloth close to Ace's mouth when Redvers and the
REDVERS: The natives restless tonight.
(Redvers pulls Gwendoline off Ace and the Doctor picks up Gwendoline's
GWENDOLINE: Let me go! Let me go!
(The Doctor opens the locket and shows her the pictures inside.)
DOCTOR: Gwendoline, who does this remind you of?
(It is Gwendoline and her mother, Lady Pritchard.)
DOCTOR: Severe trauma. I could forgive her arranging those little trips
REDVERS: She was hypnotised, Doctor.
DOCTOR: If she didn't enjoy them so much.
ACE: Professor, Control's got a few things to show Josiah.
(Control has improved her diction, just like Eliza Doolittle.)
CONTROL: No longer hiding.
DOCTOR: Good. Just in time for dinner.
(The Doctor offers Control his arm.)
(An owl hoots outside.)
DOCTOR: Good evening, Josiah. (to Ace) Don't have the soup.
JOSIAH: Get that creature out of here. Get it out.
ACE: Go on, Control. Knock 'em dead.
CONTROL: Control has her freeness now, squire.
JOSIAH: What's this? Where's Gwendoline?
CONTROL: Better orf without you, guv'nor.
JOSIAH: You win this move, Doctor, but I will not suffer that creature
at my table.
REDVERS: That, sir, is no way to speak in front of a ladylike.
ACE: Oi, Jungle Jim, I'm here too, you know.
CONTROL: No one hurting Control. Not in gutter now.
DOCTOR: Who was it said Earthmen never invite their ancestors round to
(All together now - Douglas Adams!)
DOCTOR: Oh, which reminds me. Lady Pritchard, have you seen this?
(The Doctor shows her the locket.)
DOCTOR: It belongs to your daughter Gwendoline. And there's a portrait
of you in there, you see? Very nice likeness. You and Sir George must
have been very happy before the cuckoo invaded your nest.
PRITCHARD: Gwendoline. Oh, oh, Gwendoline.
(Lady Pritchard rushes out with the locket, sobbing.)
JOSIAH: Mrs Pritchard, you're not dismissed.
REDVERS: Let her alone, sir. The lioness always protects her cubs.
(Ace is exploring the soup tureen with the ladle.)
DOCTOR: No soup, Ace.
JOSIAH: There's no way out of his for you, Doctor.
DOCTOR: I knew it was a trap as soon as I walked in to it.
Unfortunately, your guest of honour seems to have let you down.
JOSIAH: Light will come.
(Light flies into the attic, where Nimrod
is still standing quietly.)
LIGHT: It's still changing, seething. Every plain and crevice crawls
with life, but I recognise the stench of its over-ripe infested
PRITCHARD: Oh, Gwendoline.
PRITCHARD: Oh, my dear. Oh, my dear. Oh, we were so happy once. Do you
remember riding down to the village with your father, the dogs running
behind, barking? And then he went away, to Java. You sent him.
GWENDOLINE: Mama, I thought you were lost.
PRITCHARD: Oh, I am, my dear. We both are.
GWENDOLINE: Oh, Mama, what have we done?
LIGHT: You changed. Like the rest of this verminous planet, you adapted
to your situation to survive.
LIGHT: Well, you'll never change again.
(Lady Pritchard and Gwendoline turn to stone.)
NIMROD: They never harmed you.
LIGHT: I've decided Earth's future. We must collect items
from the ship. Follow me.
DOCTOR: Josiah, tell me about your plan to
assassinate Queen Victoria.
ACE: You what?
JOSIAH: Who have you been talking to?
DOCTOR: Myself, mostly. But you're not really empire
material, are you? I mean, your background's a bit dodgy. And light
wouldn't be amused.
ACE: Neither will Queen Vic.
JOSIAH: The British Empire's an anarchic mess. There's no clear
directive from the throne, mo discipline. Result? Confusion, wastage. I
can provide a new order. Wealth, prosperity.
DOCTOR: Confusion, wastage, tyranny, burnt toast, till all the atlas is
(The Doctor hums 'Rule Britannia' and salutes.)
DOCTOR: But it isn't your invitation to Buckingham Palace. Redvers?
REDVERS: I am allowed to take a guest.
(Redvers walks round the table with the invitation in his hand.)
CONTROL: Control proper ladylike now. Out to dinner. Take Control
meeting Queen lady.
JOSIAH: Redvers, we agreed. We hunt the crowned Saxe-Coburg together.
REDVERS: I gave up on Redvers long ago. All he ever talks about is
himself. Here, Control.
(Control takes the invitation, and Redvers slaps Josiah's hand away.)
CONTROL: It's mine, or I burn it.
JOSIAH: You basest creatures. You dare to defy me? I'm a man of
CONTROL: Then I burn whole house up.
(Control holds the invitation over the fire.)
ACE: No, Control, don't do it! Please don't do it! That's what I did!
DOCTOR: In 1983? Ace, you didn't tell me that.
ACE: You're not my probation officer. You don't have to know
ACE: It was the house. It was full of evil and hate left by him. So I
burnt the house down. I had to.
CONTROL: It is wickedness.
(Control drops the invitation into the flames. Josiah tries to pick it
out again but cannot.)
DOCTOR: He only wanted to take over an Empire. At least he didn't want
to destroy the world.
DOCTOR: Light, I think I've solved your problem for you.
LIGHT: There's only one solution to Earth. I was going to reduce it to
(Light picks up a ladle full of soup.)
ACE: Oh, no.
DOCTOR: So you started with Inspector MacKenzie.
JOSIAH: The cream of Scotland Yard.
DOCTOR: Primordial soup, the most precious substance in the universe,
from which all life springs.
LIGHT: Merely sugars, proteins and amino acids. But it will soon start
to evolve again, so I'm going to stop the change here. All organic life
will be eradicated in the firestorm. And when this world is destroyed,
no more change, no more evolution, no more life. No more amendments to
DOCTOR: But you evolve too, Light.
DOCTOR: Of course you do. You change, adapt, all the time. Your
attitude, your place, your mind. I mean, look at you now. You're no
longer your original shape. And I don't think much about your
catalogue. It's full of gaps.
LIGHT: All organic life is recorded.
DOCTOR: What about the gryphons, the basilisks?
DOCTOR: You missed the dragons, the
bandersnatches. Then there are the slithy toves and the crowned
(Light appears. He's not as bright and golden as he first was.)
LIGHT: Where are these items?
DOCTOR: I can't think how you missed them. You have to complete the
catalogue before you can destroy all life here.
DOCTOR: She's no use to you now. She's evolved as well.
LIGHT: No! All slipping away.
DOCTOR: All is change, all is movement. Tell me, Light, haven't you
just changed your location?
LIGHT: Not yet.
DOCTOR: What's the matter, Light, changed your mind?
LIGHT: You are endlessly agitating, unceasingly mischievous. Will you
DOCTOR: I suppose I could. It would make a change.
LIGHT: Nimrod! I can rely on you. Assist me now.
NIMROD: I'm sorry, sir. My allegiance is to this planet, my birthright.
LIGHT: Argh! Everything is changing. All in flux. Nothing remains the
DOCTOR: Even remains change. It's this planet. It can't help itself.
LIGHT: I will not change. I'll wake up soon. No change. Dead.
(Ace, Redvers and Control come out of the dining room as Light stops.)
DOCTOR: Subject for catalogue. File under Imagination comma lack of.
NIMROD: Excuse me, sir, but Light instigated the firestorm programme
sometime prior to dinner.
ACE: What does that mean?
DOCTOR: A very big explosion, very soon.
ACE: How do we stop it? Same as before?
DOCTOR: Ace, don't touch that.
ACE: It'll nuke Earth.
(Redvers, Control and Nimrod line up by a wall panel.)
ACE: Fine time to watch a video.
DOCTOR: How does this ship travel?
ACE: Speed of thought. It's alive.
DOCTOR: Yes. Light's gone. The ship survives, along with a new crew.
(Josiah creeps in, grabs Ace from behind and hold a revolver to her
JOSIAH: Turn off the power, Doctor.
ACE: Get off, scumbag!
JOSIAH: I'll have my empire yet.
DOCTOR: Josiah, the ship doesn't want you to.
REDVERS: There's a place for you here, old chap.
CONTROL: Stop that immediately. Get back where you belong.
(The head of one of the husks explodes. Josiah lets Ace go as he
DOCTOR: There go the rungs in his evolutionary ladder.
ACE: Go on, then. Evolve your way out of that one.
(Control slips a choke chain around Josiah's neck.)
JOSIAH: No way out now. No changing.
CONTROL: You are the most unhappy creature. I shall look after you.
ACE: They swapped over.
NIMROD: We have our work to do, sir. Entries and amendments to revise
to complete the catalogue.
ACE: No nukes, then? Isn't it going to explode?
DOCTOR: Explode or fly. I mean, after all, it is a spaceship.
NIMROD: The energy will be redeployed for our departure, sir.
REDVERS: Redvers has the whole universe to explore for his catalogue.
New horizons, wondrous beasts, light years from Zanzibar.
CONTROL: Doctor, something tells me you are not in our catalogue, nor
will you ever be.
DOCTOR: You're busy. Must fly.
ACE: Bye, bye.
DOCTOR: Come on.
(The Doctor leads Ace into the tunnel.)
ACE: We've got to get clear for the take-off.
DOCTOR: Take off? They've gone, like a passing thought. As long as
their minds don't wander.
(Light is crackling with energy, then he
disappears in a thunderclap.)
DOCTOR: He's dispersed.
ACE: For ever?
DOCTOR: The house will remember. Just the ghost of an evil memory
lingering. A dark secret after the candle is out.
(The Doctor starts the grandfather clock again.)
ACE: I felt it here in a hundred years time.
DOCTOR: An evil older than time itself.
ACE: So I burnt the house down.
DOCTOR: Any regrets?
ACE: I wish I'd blown it up instead.