(A young man is stumbling over broken bricks and
rubble until he comes to a row of old warehouses with metal doors, and
a blue police telephone box outside them. He goes up to it and touches
ROSE [OC]: Doctor! Doctor, the trap!
(The young man runs into the unit.)
DOCTOR [OC]: Where's he gone? Can you see him?
ROSE [OC]: There he is! Stop. No! Watch out! There!
DOCTOR [OC]: Where? Where?
(He goes down the metal staircase to a lit corridor with lots of doors
coming off it, and hears a growling sound. A bright light shines under
the door at the far end.)
(The young man opens the door and comes face to face with a bad
tempered alien with lots of
teeth. A Hoix, according to the cast list.)
ELTON [on camera]: That's what it did. It went roar! And if you think
that was the most exciting day of my life, wait till you hear the rest.
(Elton, the young man, is making a video diary in his flat.)
ELTON [on camera]: So there I was, with that thing going roar!
(Elton backs away. The Doctor comes up behind the alien waving a pork
DOCTOR: Here, boy. Eat the food. Come on, look at the lovely food.
Isn't that nice? Isn't it? Yes, it is. Get out of here, quickly. That's
a boy. Wouldn't you like a porky-choppy then? I said run!
(Elton runs for the stairs. Rose come the other way carrying a blue
bucket of steaming something, and yelling. She throws the contents of
the bucket over the alien.)
DOCTOR: Wrong one. You made it worse.
ROSE: You said blue!
DOCTOR: I said not blue.
(The alien chases Rose.)
DOCTOR: Hold on!
(The Doctor closes the door behind him, then we get a standard farce
chase of people running in and out of doors across the corridor. Then
Rose somehow acquired a red bucket and the alien is running from her
and the Doctor. The Doctor returns on his own.)
DOCTOR: Hold on. Don't I know you?
(Elton runs outside and hears the Tardis dematerialising.)
ELTON [OC]: You can't imagine it. The Doctor's machine. The most
beautiful sound in the world.
(A converted attic with settee under the dormer
window, computer desk opposite, bed in the middle. The video diary is
made from the computer desk.)
ELTON [on camera]: Yet that wasn't the first time I met the Doctor, and
it certainly wasn't the last. Oh, no. I just put that bit at the
beginning because it's a brilliant opening, but this is the story of
me, and my encounters with alien lifeforms. But be warned, because it
is going to get scary. I need a remote control zoom. I'm having to do
that with the lean. The scary. But look, don't worry, 'because it's not
just me sitting here talking. Oh, no.
ELTON [on camera]: That's Ursula on camera.
URSULA [OC]: Hello.
ELTON [on camera]: My good friend, Ursula Blake, on my brand new
(Dodgy zoom to a terraced house.)
ELTON [on camera]: That was my family home. Down there. I did try, but
there's two women live there now and they're a bit severe. So never
mind. But that is where it all started. That's when I first met the
(Elton remembers the event.)
ELTON [memory]: What was it? I must have been three or four years old.
Middle of the night, went downstairs, and there was this man.
URSULA [OC]: So what happened? Elton, tell me. Why was he there?
ELTON: I don't know. I still don't know. All those years ago.
(Cut street footage.)
ELTON [on camera]: Okay, first thing's first, my
name is Elton. Er, not to be confused with
(Reg Dwight singing Daniel.)
ELTON: I left school, got a job. Transport Manager, Rita Logistics,
modest little haulage company. Perfectly normal life, and then it all
ELTON [OC]: Two years ago, I was in town, I was
stocking up. You know, nothing special, all the usual stuff, when all
of a sudden
(An auton shop dummy smashes the window behind him.)
ELTON [on camera]: Shop window dummies come to life.
(More scenes of devastation.)
ELTON [on camera]: I survived, obviously.
ELTON [OC]: Twelve months later, I'm back in town. I'm up west, looking
for a new suit, something nice and smart, when I hear this plane
(Elton watches the Slitheen spaceship smash up the Parliament clock
ELTON [on camera]: But it wasn't over yet, because then, Christmas Day.
I'm in bed fast asleep, nice and cosy, quarter to eight in the morning,
when all of a sudden
(Bang! His bedroom window blows in.)
ELTON [on camera]: And I was stuck in bed, right, 'because there's
glass everywhere. And I was barefoot. I had to invent this rudimentary
pulley system, just to reach my boots. And by the time I'd done that
(The Sycorax spaceship was overhead.)
ELTON [on camera]: And that's when it all started happening. That's how
I met Ursula.
URSULA: His name is the Doctor.
ELTON [on camera]: That's how I met Victor Kennedy.
VICTOR: You stupid man!
ELTON [on camera]: That's how I met Jackie Tyler.
JACKIE: Oh, you don't meet many Eltons.
ELTON [on camera]: And that's how I finally met the
Doctor, and realised the truth.
(Elton pensive for a while, then a new filming session.)
ELTON [on camera]: I should say, this isn't, you know, my whole life.
It's not all spaceships and stuff,
because I'm into all sorts of things. I like football. I like a drink.
I like Spain. And if there's one thing I really, really love, Jeff
Lynne and the Electric Light Orchestra. Because you can't beat a bit of
(Elton bopping to Mr Blue Sky.)
ELTON [on camera]: So, great big spaceship hanging over London. Imagine
the theories. The internet went into meltdown. But I kept on digging.
Something was going on. Oh, yes. And then one day, on some obscure
little blog by someone called Ursula Blake, it was like a chance in a
(My Invasion Blog, with a picture of the Doctor.)
ELTON [OC]: It was him. It was that man again, but the photo was new.
It was taken on Christmas Day, but Christmas just gone. And he looked
exactly the same.
URSULA: His name is the Doctor.
ELTON: Doctor what?
URSULA: That's all anyone knows. On Christmas Day I was taking photos
all over the place. I went mad with it all. Spaceships and lasers and
everything. We all went to Trafalgar Square that night,
'because everyone was celebrating just being alive. And I snapped him
in passing, that's all. He was just some bloke. I didn't realise he was
significant, until Mister Skinner pointed it out.
ELTON: Who's Mister Skinner?
URSULA: Oh, there's a few of us. The Inner Sanctum, all studying this
ELTON: I've seen him. The Doctor. I swear to you, I saw him when I was
a kid. He was in my house, and he was downstairs.
URSULA: Don't tell me. He looked exactly the same then as he does now.
ELTON: Yes. Yes! Oh, my God. You believe me.
URSULA: You're not the only one, you know.
ELTON [OC]: So that's how I met Ursula. All thanks to the Doctor. Turns
out we read all the same sites and she only lived half a mile away. She
was like a proper mate. Poor Ursula.
ELTON [on camera]: But like she said. There was
this little community. The select few, all with their stories of the
ELTON [OC]: This little gang used to meet up,
underneath the old library on Macatier Street. Mister Skinner, first
name Colin, but we always called him Mister Skinner. I don't know why,
we just did.
SKINNER: To me, the Doctor isn't a man, he's more a collection of
ELTON [OC]: Then there was Bridget.
(Giving a slide show, including mediaeval manuscripts and hieroglyphs.)
BRIDGET: All these different Doctors come and go, but the single
constant factor is this faux police box. It keeps cropping up
ELTON [OC]: She lived way up north, but she travelled down without fail
just for the meetings. Then, there was Bliss.
(An artist working in driftwood and other weird stuff in her studio.)
BLISS: What I'm trying to do is sum up the Doctor. What he means to us.
ELTON [OC]: She was ever so sweet, bless. Bless Bliss, we used to say.
BLISS: What he could represent and what he should represent, and what
he never won't represent, sort of thing.
(And sitting in the basement again.)
URSULA: We should have a name. You know, as a group.
BLISS: Names are very important.
ELTON: What we need is a good strong name, like a team. Something like
London Investigation 'n' Detective Agency. LINDA for short.
SKINNER: Say it again.
ELTON: London Investigation 'n' Detective Agency.
ELTON: Fish 'n' Chips, Rock 'n' Roll. Chaka Demus 'n' Pliers.
BRIDGET: I like it. It's not too solemn.
BLISS: I like the 'n'.
SKINNER: We're the men from LINDA.
BRIDGET: And the women.
SKINNER: Linda United.
URSULA: Did you think of that on the spot?
ELTON: Nah, I've wanted to use it for years.
SKINNER: I give you LINDA.
ELTON [on camera]: So we'd all meet up, every week, and we'd talk about
the Doctor for a bit. But after a while, Bridget started
URSULA: Oh my God, that's gorgeous. No, really, wow. Oi, the rest of
you, get your hands off!
ELTON: Next thing you know, Mister Skinner started his readings,
'because he was writing his own novel.
SKINNER: That's the last time you ride the ghost train, Johnny
Franzetta. Now say your prayers. To be continued.
BLISS: You can't leave it there.
ELTON [OC]: As time went on, we got to know each other better and
BRIDGET: I started all of this because me daughter disappeared. It
wasn't aliens that took her away. It was just drugs. I come down to
London every week, and I just keep looking for her.
(Bliss is playing a guitar and singing. Well, I say playing, hunting
for the chord then strumming it once.)
BLISS: I gave my love a chicken, it had no bone. I gave my love a
cherry, it had no stone.
(Ursula on tambourine and Bliss on guitar singing Brand New Key, but
not as good as Melanie did it.)
ELTON [OC]: Then it turned out that Bridget could play the piano, and I
confessed my love of ELO. Next thing you know
ELTON [on camera]: Musical LINDA.
(Bridget on the piano, Mister Skinner on drums, Bliss on rhythm guitar
and Bridget on bass guitar, Elton as the lead singer for Don't Bring Me
ELTON: You got me running, going' out of my mind. You got me thinking
that I'm wasting my time. Don't bring me down.
ELTON [on camera]: Just for fun.
ELTON: Don't bring me down!
ELTON: Your go.
SKINNER: Oh, no. Er, grooss.
ELTON: Your go.
(The electricity goes off.)
SKINNER: Now careful, mind the cables.
(A figure in sinister hat and raincoat comes down in the lift, carrying
ELTON [OC]: And that's when it all changed, that Tuesday night in
March. That's when he arrived.
(The lights come back on to reveal a man with a little goatee beard and
a cane with a silver top in the shape of a fist.)
ELTON [OC]: That's when we met Victor Kennedy, and the golden age was
VICTOR: So, we meet at last, LINDA.
SKINNER: Pleased to meet you, sir. I'm sorry, was the music too loud?
VICTOR: No, no, no, no, I don't shake hands. Back, back. I suffer from
a skin complaint - Exeema.
ELTON: Oh, you mean eczema?
VICTOR: But this is worse, much worse. I blister to the touch. Back,
back, all of you. Further, further. Thank you.
ELTON: Sorry, don't mind me asking but, who are you?
VICTOR: I am your salvation.
(Later, a video is playing on Victor's laptop.)
URSULA: That's the Doctor.
ELTON: It's really him.
VICTOR: You've forgotten your purpose in life. You, with your band and
your cakes and your blubbing and all the while he still exists. The
BRIDGET: Look at him. Just look.
VICTOR: Move back, move back, all of you. Oh though, wait for this bit.
The picture cuts out, but the sound still continues. Listen. Listen to
the sound of the universe. Yes.
(The sound of the Tardis dematerialising.)
ELTON: Ah, that's.
URSULA: What is it? What's wrong?
VICTOR: Leave him. You've heard it before, haven't you? When? When was
it? Where? Where were you?
ELTON: I'd forgotten, til now. But it was that night.
VICTOR: What night?
ELTON: I was just a kid. That's why I went downstairs. It woke me up.
That noise. But what is it? What does it mean?
VICTOR: That is the sound of his spaceship. Right then, homework. Using
the Torchwood files, we're able to look at all the old databases in a
completely new light. We're able to build up a more detailed profile of
the Doctor. I've allocated tasks to each of you. I'd like you to each
(Victor is handing out folders.)
VICTOR: I'd like you to. Careful! Watch the exeema. I'd like you to
complete your targets and meet back here this time next week, one step
closer to catching the Doctor. Well, don't just sit there, move! Er,
Bliss? It is Bliss, isn't it?
VICTOR: Yes. Could I have a word with you in private, please?
BLISS: Course you can, yeah.
VICTOR: Thank you. Goodbye, goodbye.
[Outside the library]
ELTON: Better get to work. Lots to do.
URSULA: I never thought of it as work.
ELTON: It's what we've always wanted though, to find the Doctor.
URSULA: Yeah, I suppose.
ELTON [on camera]: All of a sudden, without anyone
saying so, we were working for Victor Kennedy.
(Which has been transformed into a schoolroom,
complete with large wooden desk for teacher, shelves with box files, a
globe, a phrenology head, a glowing globe of Mars, and the four LINDA
members at desks, facing Victor.)
ELTON [OC]: Though we had to admit, he was right. His methods were much
more rigorous. It felt like we were getting closer and closer to the
ELTON: Mister Kennedy?
ELTON: We were wondering. No sign of Bliss. Do you know where she is?
VICTOR: Yes, didn't she tell you? She's getting married. She left a
message. It'll never last, stupid girl. Come on, back to work.
ELTON [on camera]: But we did get lucky once.
SKINNER: A police box, newly arrived. It says newly arrived today. And
it's in Woolwich!
VICTOR: Well, don't just stand there, move! Move, go, go!
ELTON [on camera]: Don't get excited. That's where you came in.
ELTON [OC]: Woolwich. Police box. Red bucket, blue bucket. Police are
ELTON: I just froze.
VICTOR: You met himů and you froze. You stupid man!
ELTON: You can't hit me, cause you don't touch. You said so. You get a
rash and an itch and
VICTOR: I can use this!
(Victor brandishes his cane.)
URSULA: Use that cane on him and you'll get one hell of a smack off me!
And then a good kick. Is that completely understood, Mister Kennedy?
VICTOR: Duly noted. Ursula Blake, most likely to fight back. Right
then, we'll change tack. We'll approach this sideways. If we're to
discover the truth about the Doctor, then we need to try and find her.
VICTOR: Now when it comes to the Doctor's companion, the Torchwood
files are strangely lacking. It seems the evidence has been corrupted.
Something called Bad Wolf virus. At least we've got these photographs.
They're first hand evidence. Elton?
ELTON: It was a London accent, definitely. She's from London.
VICTOR: So we hit the streets. We get out there, we take the
photographs. Someone's got to know who she is somewhere.
BRIDGET: Yes, but London's a big place. I mean, I should know. My own
daughter's out there.
VICTOR: Bridget, don't make this personal. I don't like to be touched
literally, or metaphorically, thank you very much. I haven't got the
time. Bleeding hearts outside. Find me that girl! Go. Now. Move.
ELTON [OC]: So it began. The impossible task. To scour the mean
streets, to search a major capital city for an unknown girl. To hunt
down that face in a seething metropolis of lost souls. To find that one
girl in ten million.
MRS CROOT: Oh, that's Rose Tyler. She lives just
down there. Bucknell House, number forty eight. Her mother's Jackie
Tyler. Nice family. Bit odd.
[Outside the launderette]
WOMAN: Oi, Jackie!
JACKIE: Hello, sweetheart. I'll see you down the Spinning Wheel
tonight, yeah? Pub quiz. Get them in.
WOMAN: All right, then.
(Jackie takes her two bags into the Wash Inn. Elton strips off his
shirt and goes inside.)
ELTON [OC]: I'd been trained for this. Victor
Kennedy's classes covered basic surveillance and espionage. Step one,
engage your target. Find some excuse to start a conversation. But how
was I going to do this? How?
(Elton puts his shirt into a machine.)
JACKIE: Excuse me, love. You couldn't give us a quid for two fifties,
ELTON: Yeah. Just er, da-da!
JACKIE: Oh, lovely. Cheers.
ELTON [OC]: Step two. Without provoking suspicion, get on first name
terms with the target.
JACKIE: My name's Jackie, by the way.
ELTON: I'm Elton.
JACKIE: Oh, you don't meet many Eltons, do you? Apart from the obvious.
ELTON [OC]: Step three. Ingratiate yourself with a joke or some
JACKIE: I tell you what, Elton. Here we are, complete strangers, and
I'm flashing you me knickers.
ELTON [OC]: Step four, find some subtle way to integrate yourself into
the target's household.
JACKIE: Mind you, I'm only down here because my washing machine's
knackered. I don't suppose you're any good at fixing things, are you?
[The Tyler's flat]
(The washing machine has been pulled out from under
ELTON: Here we are. It was a fuse. There's nothing wrong with the
machine. That's fine. All working!
JACKIE: Oh, Elton, I should have you on tap. I used to have this little
mate called Mickey. He did all that stuff. He's gone now, bless him.
ELTON: Well, if you need me, give us a call. I'll jot down my number.
JACKIE: Well, you do that, and I'll make us a cup of tea. Go on, go and
sit down. Put the telly on if you want. Can't bear it silent.
(Elton stares at all the pictures of Rose around the living room.
Later, drinking their tea -)
JACKIE: It's just me these days, rattling about. There's my daughter,
she's gone travelling. I keep her bedroom all nice and ready though,
just in case she comes back.
ELTON: And her name is?
ELTON: It's a nice name, Rose. So where's she travelling is?
JACKIE: All over. She got a mobile, I get a call now and then. Not so
often as I'd like. Still, that age, who can be bothered phoning home?
ELTON: Yeah. Who's she with? Is it mates, is it, or
JACKIE: Just mates. Yeah.
ELTON: Well, if I had you making a nice cup of tea like this, I
wouldn't stray far from home.
JACKIE: You're a charmer. Say it again.
VICTOR: Magnificent! Oh, I could kiss you. Except I
can't, of course. The exeema.
ELTON: I've even got a picture of her on my phone.
SKINNER: Oh it's amazing. You've achieved steps one to four in precise
order. How did you manage it?
ELTON: Well, I had to work very hard. She keeps everything very close
to her chest.
URSULA: That's a hell of a chest.
BRIDGET: But how do you move on? Step five, that's the problem.
VICTOR: Step five. That's this week's homework. I want a full plan of
attack from each of you. Now go on, vamoose.
Avanti. There's work to do. And Elton? Keep infiltrating. You will do
anything to get than information, boy, anything!
ELTON: Yes, sir!
VICTOR: Oh, oh, Bridget. Bridget, oh yes. Could I have a word with you
in private, please?
BRIDGET: Er, Mister Skinner's giving me a lift.
VICTOR: Oh, I can drop you at the station. I'm sure Mister Skinner
won't mind, will you?
SKINNER: Not at all. Well, Bridget, I'll see you next week.
BRIDGET: All right then.
(Skinner manages to give Bridget a bashful peck on the cheek.)
BRIDGET: Bye, bye.
[Outside the library]
URSULA: Now, Mister Skinner, I don't mean to pry,
but did you give Bridget a little kiss back then?
SKINNER: I think I did.
URSULA: And if you get your way, might there be more little kisses
between the two of you?
SKINNER: I think there might.
URSULA: I knew it.
ELTON: That's brilliant!
SKINNER: Now, let's not get excited. We'll see.
[The Tyler's flat]
ELTON [OC]: Infiltration went well, cause Jackie
kept phoning up needing this and needing that.
(Putting up shelves.)
JACKIE: Down a bit.
ELTON [OC]: It was strange, the amount of things that needed doing.
(Lots of plugs being rewired.)
ELTON: It's like that flat was jinxed.
(Jackie admiring Elton's tight jeans as he works in cupboard.)
ELTON: It's weird these fuses. They keep blowing. Must be near a
sub-station. Then you get the power surges. Still, there we go, fixed.
(The music system is live again. Jackie is in a mini-skirt. She gives
him a glass of red wine.)
JACKIE: Here we are. A little reward for my favourite handyman.
ELTON: I shouldn't really, I've got the car outside.
JACKIE: Well, you could always splash out on a taxi, or whatever. See
ELTON: Right. Cheers?
ELTON: Very nice. What's that, French?
JACKIE: I suppose so. They know how to do things, the French.
ELTON: Is it from Rose? I mean, is she in France?
JACKIE: My daughter won't be coming back tonight, just in case you're
wondering. We've got the place to ourselves.
ELTON: Right. Nice music.
JACKIE: Il Divo.
JACKIE: You were saying, power surges.
ELTON: From the sub-station, yeah.
JACKIE: Is that why it gets so hot in here?
ELTON: Is it hot?
JACKIE: Oh, I think so. You should take your jacket off.
ELTON: No, I'm fine, I'll just
JACKIE: No, look, you must be boiling.
(She spills some wine on his shirt.)
JACKIE: Oh, look at your shirt. I'm sorry.
ELTON: I'm, I'm, I'm fine. It's all right.
JACKIE: I've ruined it.
ELTON: No, no. Honestly, it's, it's, it's fine.
JACKIE: Take it off. I'll put it in the wash.
ELTON: Oh, come on. It's only a little drop.
(So she throws more wine over him.)
JACKIE: Oh, there now. Ruined.
(Elton strips off in the tiny shower bathroom.)
ELTON [OC]: And there I was. The ultimate step five. The perfect
infiltration. Target, Jackie Tyler.
ELTON: Oh boy. You're right, it is a bit hot. And it's about to get
(Jackie is on the telephone.)
JACKIE: I'll see you soon. All right, be careful. Bye.
ELTON: Everything all right?
JACKIE: That was my daughter. Oh, look at you. I'm sorry. I was just
ELTON: Is she okay?
JACKIE: She's so far away. I get left here sometimes and I don't know
where she is. Anything could be happening to her, anything. And I just
go a bit mad. Put your shirt back on.
ELTON: Where is she?
JACKIE: It doesn't matter. I'm sorry. You'd better go.
(Il Divo sing Unbreak My Heart.)
ELTON [OC]: And that's when it struck me. Funny the things you think of
with your shirt off. But that's when I realised what was really
ELTON: Never mind about Rose. I'm not even going to ask. And I will put
my shirt back on, because I'm going to go out and get us both a pizza,
cause I reckon you need cheering up. She goes swanning off and who's
left to care about you, eh? So I say a nice bit of pizza, we'll put the
telly on nice and loud, we'll annoy that woman next door, just you and
me as proper mates. Yeah? Mates. Go on. Say yes.
ELTON [OC]: All of a sudden, a lot of things made sense. I'd got so
lost in conspiracies and aliens and targets, I'd been missing the
because I did like Jackie, but I liked someone else even more.
(ELO sing Hey you with the pretty face as Elton thinks of Ursula.)
(Jackie meets Elton outside the flats.)
ELTON: Right, let's get inside then. The pizza's getting cold.
JACKIE: I went in your coat. For once in my life I thought I'll pay. I
thought he's such a nice man, he won't accept anything, so I'll just
slip a tenner in his pocket. And look what I found. A photograph of my
ELTON: No, no, no, no, no, it's not like that. I can explain.
JACKIE: I bet you can.
ELTON: I wasn't being pervy or anything. I wasn't after her. I was
looking for the Doctor.
JACKIE: Oh, I know that. I worked that out. Cos it's never me, is it?
ELTON: No, but that's how it started, but I changed my mind.
JACKIE: Let me tell you something about those who get left behind.
Because it's hard. And that's what you become, hard. But if there's one
thing I've learnt, it's that I will never let her down. And I'll
protect them both until the end of my life. So whatever you want, I'm
warning you, back off.
ELTON: But Jackie, I only wanted to meet him.
JACKIE: I thought you liked me.
ELTON: I do.
JACKIE: Just get out of here! I said, get out! And leave me alone!
ELTON: And she was right. It's shameful. We used
VICTOR: I knew I couldn't trust you. You broke cover. You stupid little
man, you failed step five.
ELTON: I don't care about step five. Because it's all gone wrong,
Mister Kennedy, ever since you turned up. We used to come here every
week, and we'd have a laugh. We were friends. No wonder they stopped
coming. I mean, there's no Bliss any more, and even Bridget, she hasn't
SKINNER: I've been phoning and phoning her. There's no reply.
ELTON: And who can blame her. I'm sorry, Victor, but you're on your own
because I am leaving! And so are you, Mister Skinner. And as for you,
You're coming with me. And we're going to the Golden Locust and we're
going to have a Chinese.
URSULA: What's that got to do with it?
ELTON: I mean you and me. Together. Having a meal. If you want.
URSULA: Oh. I'd love it.
VICTOR: But you can't leave. You'll never know what he was doing. The
Doctor. You'll never know what he was doing in your house all those
ELTON: No, I'll never know. Ursula, get your stuff. Mister Skinner, are
you coming? Not to the Chinese, if you don't mind. Just sort of walking
SKINNER: I certainly am.
ELTON: Victor, good luck. Goodbye.
VICTOR: Mister Skinner, would you stay for a minute, please?
SKINNER: We're walking out.
VICTOR: I've got numbers for Bridget! I've kept records, I've got old
numbers. We could track her down. Together, you and I.
SKINNER: That's more like the old team spirit. You two have a nice
URSULA: I hope you find her.
ELTON: I'll email you.
VICTOR: Just come a little closer.
[Outside the library]
URSULA: Mmm, prawns!
ELTON: Yeah, I like prawns.
URSULA: Do you?
ELTON: Crispy aromatic though.
URSULA: Oh, I left my phone.
URSULA: Yeah. It's not in my pocket.
ELTON: So much for the big exit.
URSULA: Yeah, come on. Hurry up.
URSULA: I'm not stopping, I just left my phone.
(Victor is hiding behind the Daily Telegraph.)
VICTOR: Take your phone and go.
URSULA: Where's Mister Skinner?
VICTOR: He's gone to the toilet.
ELTON: But we haven't got toilets. We have to use the pub on the
VICTOR: Well, well, well, that's, that's where he is, then.
SKINNER [muffled]: Help me.
URSULA: What was that?
VICTOR: Nothing. It was nothing. It was nothing!
SKINNER [muffled]: Help me!
VICTOR: Shut up.
ELTON: That's Mister Skinner
URSULA: Victor, look at your hands.
(Two fingers only, and with wicked nails.)
VICTOR: Look at the rest of me.
(A flabby alien with a Mohican haircut and a human face on the left
side of his belly. It is naked except for what I hope is a loincloth
below its rolls of skin.)
VICTOR: You've dabbled with aliens. Now meet the genuine article.
URSULA: Oh, my God.
ELTON: You're a thing.
VICTOR: A thing? This thing is my true form. Better than that crude
pink shape you call a body.
(The face on his belly speaks.)
SKINNER: What happened? Where am I? Ursula? Is that you?
URSULA: That's Mister Skinner. What have you done to him?
VICTOR: I've absorbed him.
(A voice from his right shoulder blade. There's another face on the
BRIDGET: Colin? Is that you? Colin!
SKINNER: Bridget, my love?
URSULA: Oh, my God, that's Bridget!
BRIDGET: Colin, where are you?
SKINNER: I'm here, Bridget. It's all right. I'm close.
URSULA: You've absorbed them both!
ELTON: What about Bliss? Where is she?
(Victor lifts his right buttock.)
BLISS: I said, you really don't want to know.
(Victor sits back down on her face.)
ELTON: You've absorbed her. Are you some sort of Absorbathon? An
Absorbaling? An Absorbaloff.
VICTOR: Yes, I like that.
URSULA: Let them go. I'm ordering you. Let those people go!
VICTOR: Oh, but they taste so sweet. Just think about the Doctor. Oh,
how will he taste? All that experience, all that knowledge. And if I've
got to absorb Jackie Tyler to get to him, then so be it.
ELTON: Don't you dare.
(Ursula brandishes Victor's cane.)
URSULA: If I have to beat them out of you.
VICTOR: Oh, no, no. Please don't hit me. Look at me. I'm such a slow
and clumsy beast. Please don't hit me.
URSULA: Well, then give them back.
VICTOR: What you mean like this?
(Victor grabs Ursula's arm.)
VICTOR: Just one touch. That's all it takes.
(Ursula's arm disappears into Victor.)
URSULA: Oh, no. Oh, oh no.
ELTON: Leave her alone!
URSULA: Don't touch me. Oh, Elton, I'm so sorry. You can't touch me.
VICTOR: Most likely to fight back, indeed.
ELTON: Leave her alone!
(Ursula is sucked into Victor, who goes into ecstasy.)
VICTOR: Oh, yes.
ELTON: No, that's not fair.
VICTOR: She tastes like chicken.
(Ursula's face is in the middle of Victor's chest, complete with
URSULA: Elton, where are you?
ELTON: Please. Mister Kennedy, please. I'm asking you. I'm begging you.
Give her back to me.
VICTOR: I can't. Once they've been absorbed, the process is
URSULA: Wait a minute. Now I've been absorbed, I can read his thoughts.
Oh, my God. Elton, you're next. Get out of here. Now you've seen him,
he can't let you go. Just run. Go on. Never mind me, get out!
VICTOR: Isn't she the clever one?
URSULA: Run, Elton! Run!
SKINNER: Save yourself, boy!
BRIDGET: Run for your life!
(Victor leaps over the desk. Elton runs outside and down to a dead
(Elton falls to his knees on the paving slabs.)
VICTOR: Oh, what's the matter? Have you given up so soon?
ELTON: There's no point. Where would I go? Everything I ever wanted
VICTOR: Has been absorbed.
URSULA: Oh, Elton. Don't say that.
ELTON: But it's true!
VICTOR: Then join us. Join us, little man. Come on. It's everlasting
peace. Come on. Join us. Dissolve into me.
(Victor reaches for Elton, then gets distracted by a wind and a
familiar sound. The Tardis materialises.)
DOCTOR: Someone wants a word with you.
ROSE: You upset my mum.
ELTON: Great big absorbing creature from outer space, and you're having
a go at me?
ROSE: No one upsets my mum.
VICTOR: At last. The greatest feast of all. The Doctor.
DOCTOR: Interesting. A sort Absorbatrix? Absorbaclon? Absorbaloff?
VICTOR: Absorbaloff, yes.
ROSE: Is it me or is he a bit Slitheen?
DOCTOR: Not from Raxacoricofallapatorius, are you?
VICTOR: No, I'm not. They're swine. I spit on them. I was born on their
DOCTOR: Really? What's the twin planet of Raxacoricofallapatorius?
VICTOR: Clom. Yes. And I'll return there victorious, once I possess
your travelling machine.
DOCTOR: Well, that's never going to happen.
VICTOR: Oh, it will. You'll surrender yourself to me, Doctor, or this
one dies. You see, I've read about you, Doctor. I've studied you. So
passionate, so sweet. You wouldn't let an innocent man die. And I'll
absorb him, unless you give yourself to me.
DOCTOR: Sweet, maybe. Passionate, I suppose. But don't ever mistake
that for nice. Do what you want.
VICTOR: He'll die, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Go on, then.
VICTOR: So be it.
DOCTOR: Mind you, the others might have something to say.
URSULA: He's right. The Doctor's right. We can't let him. Oh, Mister
Skinner, Bridget, pull!
URSULA: For God's sake, pull!
VICTOR: No, don't - get off, get off!
URSULA: If it's the last thing we ever do. Bliss! All of us together.
Come on, pull!
VICTOR: Stop it!
URSULA: LINDA united, pull!
(The faces push out from Victor's skin. He drops his cane.)
URSULA: Elton, the cane. Break it!
(Elton snaps it across his knee. Energy comes out and the clasped hands
on the top open.)
VICTOR: My cane! You stupid man. Oh, no!
(Victor turns to liquid.)
ELTON: What did I do?
DOCTOR: The cane created a limitation field. Now it's broken, he can't
stop. The absorber is being absorbed.
ELTON: By what?
DOCTOR: By the earth.
(As Victor dribbled down the cracks, a face tries to appear on one of
URSULA: Bye, bye, Elton. Bye, bye.
ROSE: Who was she?
ELTON: That was Ursula.
(Rose hugs Elton.)
ELTON [on camera]: And that's it. Almost. Because the Doctor still had
more to say.
DOCTOR: You don't remember, do you?
ELTON [on camera]: And then he explained. That night, all those years
DOCTOR: There was a shadow in your house. A living shadow in the
darkness. An elemental shade had escaped from the Howling Halls. I
stopped it, but I wasn't in time to save her. I'm sorry.
ELTON [OC]: Because that was the night my mother died.
(Elton remembers his mother.)
ELTON [on camera]: We forget because we must.
(New angle from the camera.)
ELTON [on camera]: So, there you go. Turns out I've had the most
terrible things happen. And the most brilliant things. And sometimes,
well, I can't tell the difference. They're all the same thing. They're
just me. You know, Steven King said once, he said, salvation and
damnation are the same thing. And I never knew what he meant. But I do
because the Doctor might be wonderful, but thinking back, I was having
such a special time. Just for a bit. I had this nice little gang, and
they were destroyed. It's not his fault, but maybe that's what happens
if you touch the Doctor. Even for a second. I keep thinking of Rose and
Jackie. And how much longer before they pay the price.
URSULA [OC]: Oh, now don't get all miserable. Come on, Elton. You've
still got me.
ELTON: Oh, yeah. 'Cos the Doctor said he could do one last thing with
his magic wand.
(The Doctor is aiming his sonic screwdriver at the
paving slab where Ursula's face appeared.)
DOCTOR: If I can key into the absorption matrix and separate the last
victim. It's too late for total reconstruction, but. Elton! Fetch a
ELTON: Even then, after all, that the Doctor saved
me one last time.
(Elton picks up the paving slap from his desk.)
ELTON: Here she is.
URSULA: Could be worse.
(Pink skin, spectacles.)
URSULA: At least I'll never age. And it really is quite peaceful, you'd
ELTON: It's a relationship, of sorts, but we manage. We've even got a
bit of a love life.
URSULA: Oh, let's not go into that.
ELTON: And I don't care what anyone thinks. I love her.
ELTON: But the thing is
(Zoom into Elton's face.)
ELTON: There we are. I've even bought a remote zoom. But what I wanted
to say is, you know, when you're a kid, they tell you it's all, grow
up, get a job, get married, get a house, have a kid, and that's it. But
the truth is, the world is so much stranger than that. It's so much
darker, and so much madder. And so much better.