(A cyborg alien is viewing Earth from his
BALTAZAR: There it is. So small I could reach out and crush it.
(His robot space parrot agrees.)
CAW: Crush it. Crush it.
BALTAZAR: Quiet, Caw. This is my moment of destiny.
CAW: Moment of destiny. Moment of destiny.
BALTAZAR: Attention, armoury. Prepare blaster cannons for firing.
(His birdlike ship flies past the Moon.)
BALTAZAR: I'm the king of the world.
CAW: The world! The world!
(An obsolete blue police telephone box materialises.)
DOCTOR: Now, forget your Bonapartes, your Boudiccas, your Blackbeards
DOCTOR: This, Martha Jones, this is Baltazar. Scourge of the galaxy,
Corsair King of Triton in the fourteenth century, the greatest despot
that ever, ever lived.
MARTHA: This is just, just fantastic.
DOCTOR: Yeah, it is kind of cool. Now, the thing about Baltazar
CAW: Scourge of the galaxy.
DOCTOR: Yeah. The most amazing thing about him is, he forged this ship
MARTHA: He didn't.
DOCTOR: By hand. Go on, tell her, Baltazar.
BALTAZAR: I tended her by hand over countless decades. Burnished her
into the greatest warship in history.
DOCTOR: And not that long ago blew all of Earth's defence forces from
the sky. You really shouldn't have done that.
CAW: Shouldn't have done that.
BALTAZAR: And now I'm going to envelope Earth in a field of plasma
fire, superheat the carbonites who crawl across its surface
DOCTOR: Really? So then all carbon based life will be super-compressed
in a plasma field, making
DOCTOR: Er, precisely. Yeah, well done. Yes, every living being turned
BALTAZAR: The plan starts in seconds.
DOCTOR: Now that is a plan. That is indeed a plan.
(Baltazar threatens the Doctor with his double-hooked arm.)
DOCTOR: Is that not the most incredible plan you've ever heard?
MARTHA: Oh, incredible. But we're going to stop him, yeah?
DOCTOR: Hmm. By giving him this.
(The Doctor holds up a golden spoon.)
DOCTOR: I like to stir things up.
(Baltazar breaks the spoon.)
DOCTOR: Oh, shouldn't have done that.
MARTHA: And he shouldn't have broken your spoon because?
DOCTOR: That wasn't just any old spoon. That spoon passed through the
hands of the greatest chefs of planet Earth. Fanny, Delia, Madame
Cholette. That spoon was an antique, forged by the now extinct
inhabitants of a planet that specialised in rubicola.
DOCTOR: Oh, yes. But not just any old fungus. No, a special hydroxiling
fungus. There's been no treatment for it these last two thousand years,
which is why, Baltazar, scourge of the galaxy
MARTHA: Your deck is rusting away.
BALTAZAR: What? Nooooo!
(Baltazar falls through the rotting metal.)
MARTHA: That's not ordinary rust.
DOCTOR: No, I pepped it up a bit. Gave it a bit of zing, a bit of
CAW: Va-va-voom. Va-va-voom.
MARTHA: Doctor, you can't leave him. Not to the rust.
DOCTOR: Oh, well.
(The Doctor sonicks Caw's cage open.)
MARTHA: Will Baltazar ever get caught?
DOCTOR: Oh, I imagine so. His luck can't hold out for ever.
MARTHA: So what will happen, do you think?
DOCTOR: In this era, the most likely Prison Planet would be er,
Volag-Noc. Yeah, that's where I'd take him if it were up to me. Coldest
place in the galaxy.
MARTHA: Brr. Nasty.
DOCTOR: Yup. Now, give me a number between zero and ninety nine.
MARTHA: Forty five.
DOCTOR: And another.
MARTHA: Seventy two?
MARTHA: Three. What is this, galactic lorry?
DOCTOR: Destination setting. And you, Martha Jones, have randomly
chosen to take us to Copacabana beach. Ariba!
(Baltazar's ship disintegrates, and Caw flies free
into space. Then see Baltazar sitting on
the giant mechanical bird.)
BALTAZAR: I'll get you for this, Doctor. I'll make you sorry you were
(The Tardis exits into normal space.)
DOCTOR: Yes! Six hundred and seventy six million miles an hour, and a
bit. Rock on!
MARTHA: You're just a boy racer, aren't you.
DOCTOR: Ha! Whoa!
MARTHA: Whoa. What was that? Emergency stop?
DOCTOR: Oh, search me. There's nothing in the manual.
(A giant bird has grabbed the Tardis. There is another jolt.)
DOCTOR: Go on, then. We've stopped.
(Not Copacabana beach. Tall thin ruins stand, and
giant birds fly round them.)
MARTHA: We've died and gone to Bill Oddy heaven.
CAW: Bill Oddy heaven. Bill Oddy heaven.
MARTHA: I know you. It's Caw, isn't it?
CAW: Welcome to Pheros, Miss Martha. It's Caw's home.
MARTHA: How are you doing, Caw?
CAW: I loves you, Miss Martha.
(Caw coughs a brooch depicting himself onto Martha's outstretched
CAW: That's for saving Caw's life all them years ago.
MARTHA: Thank you, Caw. It's really lovely.
(She attaches it to the front of her jacket.)
CAW: Got some news for you, Doctor. About Baltazar. Let him out of
DOCTOR: Volag-Noc. I was right, Martha.
MARTHA: Yeah, great. Caw, why did they release him from prison?
CAW: Say he's reformed, but Caw reckons he's as bad as ever he was.
He'll be coming for Caw. Caw sold him out for a bar of gold. Or three.
MARTHA: What do you need gold for?
DOCTOR: He eats it.
CAW: He won't rest, Doctor. He seeks his heart's desire, and knows how
to find it.
DOCTOR: He does?
CAW: The Infinite!
DOCTOR: Oh, that's just a legend.
MARTHA: What is?
CAW: Baltazar thinks different. Thinks he knows how to find it.
MARTHA: Find what?
DOCTOR: The Infinite.
MARTHA: Yeah, I got that, but what exactly is the Infinite?
DOCTOR: Well, let's just say there are things out there in space,
Martha. Things that predate our reality. Relics from the Dark Times.
MARTHA: Oh, a fairy tale.
DOCTOR: Oh, far, far more than that. There was a time when the universe
was so much smaller than it is now. A darker, older time of chaos.
Creatures like the Racnoss, the Nestines and the Great Vampires
rampaged through the void.
MARTHA: And this Infinite, this is one of those relics from the Dark
DOCTOR: It's said that if anyone were to find the Infinite they'd
receive their heart's desire. And frankly, that's quite a thing to
MARTHA: Yeah, but how's Baltazar going to find it?
(Caw coughs up another metal item with an infinity symbol on it.)
CAW: That's how.
MARTHA: What's that?
DOCTOR: It's a data chip. Part of a black box recorder. Dark Time
CAW: Baltazar gave it to me for safe keeping. Should be four of them.
You need to use each one to find the next.
MARTHA: And find all four, you find the Infinite. Are we going on a
DOCTOR: No. The Infinite stays lost. It's nothing more than a legend.
As last Custodian to the secrets of the universe it's my duty to see it
stays that way.
(The Doctor is about to stamp on the data chip.)
CAW: You mustn't. Mustn't. He's got a copy.
DOCTOR: I can't let someone like Baltazar, someone as corrupt and
twisted as he is, have access to that kind of power. Caw, you'd better
be right about this.
(The data chip is hooked up to the time console.)
DOCTOR: The planet Boukon? Okay, here we go.
(The Tardis dematerialises to reveal Baltazar was
standing behind it.)
BALTAZAR: The tracker's in place.
CAW: Ahem. Thank you, caw. It's really lovely.
BALTAZAR: The Doctor's going to find me the Infinite. Going to find me
my heart's desire.
CAW: Heart's desire. Heart's desire!
BALTAZAR: And then I'll have my revenge!
CAW: Revenge! Revenge!
(A desolate, orange place.)
DOCTOR: Ah, Martha, see those? Artificial suns.
DOCTOR: Someone wanted the planet Boukon warmed up.
MARTHA: What are they?
(Giant metallic things on legs sucking liquid from the ground.)
DOCTOR: Oil rigs.
MARTHA: Oil rigs? Hang on, they still need oil in the future?
DOCTOR: It ran out on Earth. The Corporations went drilling elsewhere.
MARTHA: To look at them you'd think they were alive.
(The rigs disengage their suction tubes and turn towards them.)
DOCTOR: You think? Run?
(Not a chance.)
MARTHA: What now?
DOCTOR: Er, well, I'm open to suggestions.
(Two harpoons slam into the nearest rig's legs.)
DOCTOR: How'd you do that? Oh, Martha, you're brilliant. Oh yeah, now
you're just showing off. Whoa!
(The ground on which they are standing turns out to
be the deck of a sort of desert submarine-type vessel, which is now
surfacing and rising into the air. The Tardis topples off onto the
KALIKO: Hoist the colours, Mister Mate!
(The mate is at a ships wheel on the deck.)
SWABB: Aye, aye, Captain.
KALIKO: Let Oil Corp see that the Black Gold is in business.
SWABB: Aye, aye, Captain. Arr.
(A skull and crossbones lights up on the conning tower.)
DOCTOR + MARTHA: Pirates?
SWABB: I'm Swabb, first mate aboard the Black
(The Captain comes out of the conning tower. It is a woman with beaded
braids and an eye patch.)
KALIKO: Now then, Mister Mate, put her in reverse.
SWABB: Aye, aye, Captain.
KALIKO: You two might want to hold on tight.
(The Doctor and Martha clutch each other.)
KALIKO: To the rail.
DOCTOR: Aye, aye, Captain.
KALIKO: Take the strain, me hearties.
SWABB: Heave, lads.
KALIKO: All right, Swabb, maximum power.
(The vessel zooms forward, through the rig's legs, pulling on the
harpoon cables and bringing it down.)
DOCTOR: Well, that I didn't expect.
KALIKO: Cut thrust, Mister Mate.
SWABB: Arr, and pull the rig in?
KALIKO: And siphon it, Swabb.
DOCTOR: Hello there, Captain.
KALIKO: Captain Kaliko.
DOCTOR: Hello there. I'm the Doctor. Martha and I
MARTHA: Doctor, why are they smashing up the oil rigs?
DOCTOR: I told you it was the fortieth century. The last great oil
corporations are sucking the solar system dry to feed demand. Petrol
prices have gone through the roof, of course, and the colonies that
can't afford to pay are dying.
KALIKO: Aye, and the oil companies call us pirates.
DOCTOR: So you're smashing the rigs, siphoning off the petrol. I see.
MARTHA: Robbing the rich to fuel the poor. But that's brilliant.
KALIKO: What do you think we should do with them, Swabb?
SWABB: I don't know, Captain.
KALIKO: Now what I reckon is, to land up in a place like this, you dogs
are either Oil Corp
spies or planning a spot of pirating yourselves.
DOCTOR: Or, indeed, none of the above.
KALIKO: Either way, I don't want you on the Black Gold, so ahoy there,
me heartless hearties, throw these sand-lovers overboard.
(Her crew are revealed to be skeletons in spacesuits, with laser
cutlasses. Then Swabb fires a laser pistol into the air.)
SWABB: Hold hard there, lads.
KALIKO: Swabb, you swab, is this mutiny?
SWABB: Never, Captain Kaliko, not mutiny.
SWABB: I just wondered if they be Oil Corp spies, mayhaps we dispose of
the bodies by putting them inside one of they rigs, ha, ha! Make it
look like an accident.
KALIKO: You're not as empty headed as you seems, Mister Mate. We'll use
the one we just keel-hauled.
SWABB: Aye, aye, Captain. (sotto) Don't worry, Doctor, Martha, you're
perfectly safe with me.
MARTHA: What's he up to?
DOCTOR: I don't think our Mister Swabb is all he's cracked up to be. I
(The floating Black Gold starts siphoning the fuel from the wrecked
KALIKO: Said your prayers yet, Doctor?
DOCTOR: So, er, sorry, let me see if I've got this right. We somehow
get inside this rig that you've drained of oil and er, then what?
KALIKO: A quick blast from me mate Swabb's laser pistol, the remaining
DOCTOR: Oil Corp find us dead inside, boiled in oil.
MARTHA: That's murder!
KALIKO: Accidents happen. Now, me hearties, the plank.
(A plank emerges from the prow of the Black Gold. Swabb steps forward.)
MARTHA: Careful with that.
DOCTOR: Ah, ah, ah. Me first. (sotto) I thought Swabb would have made
his move by now.
MARTHA: (sotto) What move?
DOCTOR: (sotto) He's no pirate. If he thinks we're with this Oil Corp
then my guess is
MARTHA: (sotto) That he is too.
DOCTOR: (sotto) Fingers crossed. (normal) Ready.
(The Doctor stands on the plank. Of course, he's done this before, in Pirate
KALIKO: I like your style, Doctor. Shame you have to die.
DOCTOR: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(He aims his sonic screwdriver at her.)
DOCTOR: Now, let us go or I'll destroy your ship.
KALIKO: What, with that? No deal.
DOCTOR: Oh, I wish you weren't so obstinate, Kaliko. Oh, well.
(The screwdriver coughs and splutters.)
MARTHA: Why is it not working?
DOCTOR: Patience. Sand, in the mechanism. Hang on.
(He blows on it.)
DOCTOR: And, hold on tight.
(The sonic vibrations make the wheel go bang and the skull and
crossbones goes out.)
KALIKO: Cor, dog, you're damaging the Black Gold.
MARTHA: We're actually on your side, Captain. We came here to save you.
SWABB: It's all right, Martha. The Captain's pirate days are over. I'm
with Oil Corp.
DOCTOR: Told you.
SWABB: And Oil Corp have promised me a new body to replace this bag of
bones. Same goes for you, me hearties, if you'll help me turn the
KALIKO: They'll never turn on me.
(The crew step forward.)
KALIKO: Oh, no.
DOCTOR: Thing is, Captain, Swabb here seems to think Martha and I are
with Oil Corp, too.
SWABB: You're not?
KALIKO: You're not?
DOCTOR: Captain, we've come here to rescue you.
SWABB: Doesn't matter, Captain. Your time is up. Rigs, attack!
(The remaining two rigs fire their lasers at the Black Gold.)
DOCTOR: Lucky they're not great shots.
MARTHA: Define lucky.
SWABB: No! More precision! Fire with more Argh!
(The oil rigs do as they are told.)
DOCTOR: Roll with it, Martha!
(The Black Gold crashes into the sand.)
MARTHA: Doctor? Doctor? Eek!
SWABB: Forget it. He's gone. But at least I can think of a good use for
MARTHA: Oh, really?
(Kaliko stands up behind Swabb.)
MARTHA: Look, you. Me and the Doctor, we're not here to cause you and
Oil Corp any trouble, right? We're on a mission. A dead important one.
Got to collect these data chips, you see, stop this Baltazar guy from
stealing a big spaceship called the Infinite which will give him, well,
infinite power I suppose, and that's a bad thing because he's not a
nice bloke, and Swabb?
MARTHA: Behind you.
(Swabb turns. Kaliko waves bye to him then )
DOCTOR: Aye, aye.
(The Doctor pops up between them on the ship's wheel, knocking Swabb
backwards. He staggers onto the plank.)
DOCTOR: Oh, sorry.
(Kaliko retracts the plank and Swabb falls to the ground.)
KALIKO: Will the vile dog live?
MARTHA: Well, the sand seemed dead soft so it probably broke his fall.
SWABB [OC]: I'll get you for this!
MARTHA: Yep, he's okay. You need some help with that?
DOCTOR: Could you? Ouch, ow.
(Martha helps the Doctor untangle himself from the wheel spokes.)
KALIKO: Doctor, you said you'd come here for me. What exactly did you
mean by that?
DOCTOR: Your earring, Captain. Do you know what it is, really?
KALIKO: You're after the Infinite. You fool! Now, I was going to offer
you both a berth on my next ship, but seeing as how you had an ulterior
motive in rescuing me
(The conning tower doors close between them.)
KALIKO: There's only room for one in my lifeboat anyhow.
(The top of the tower takes off into the sky, then two parachutes
MARTHA: Looks like she came down somewhere near the Tardis.
DOCTOR: We have to catch up with her. If Baltazar gets that data chip
and finds the Infinite
MARTHA: He gets his heart's desire. The destruction of you, me and
(The shadow of a large bird passes over the
wreckage of Kaliko's lifeboat.)
(Part of Kaliko's headset is on the sand.)
MARTHA: Surely the fall couldn't do that?
DOCTOR: No. She's been murdered.
(He picks up the data chip with the Infinity symbol on it.)
DOCTOR: Live by the cutlass, die by the cutlass it seems.
DOCTOR: I'm so sorry, Kaliko. But we've got what we came for, Martha.
Let's see where we're going next.
(The Tardis has landed, and Martha heads for the
DOCTOR: Hang on, hang on. There could be anything out there. Snakes
like bendy busses, sabre toothed gorillas, anything.
(But Martha is already under the alien purple sky.)
DOCTOR: Right. That way is Main Street, so that is probably Downtown.
MARTHA: Where's the lights?
MARTHA: City like this should be full of lights, especially at night.
(And green glowworms oblige.)
MARTHA: Doctor, they're bugs!
DOCTOR: So I see. And they're about to swarm!
MARTHA: Doctor, the bugs.
DOCTOR: They're swarming all around us.
MEREGRASS: Go on, get out of it.
(The bugs leave. A vehicle with a searchlight on the front stops by
them. It is driven by a giant frog with an infinity symbol on the neck
of its environment suit.)
MEREGRASS: What's the matter with you two?
DOCTOR: I know.
MEREGRASS: And what are you staring at?
DOCTOR: Thank you for the timely arrival, Mister er?
MEREGRASS: Meregrass. Ulysses Meregrass.
DOCTOR: Good thing the bugs listen to you.
MEREGRASS: We have an understanding.
MARTHA: I noticed.
MEREGRASS: I'm here to provide their community, via their Queen, with
(Sirens are sounding.)
MARTHA: What's that?
MEREGRASS: What they need protecting from.
(A squadron of -)
DOCTOR: Those are war planes.
MEREGRASS: What do you expect in a war zone.
DOCTOR + MARTHA: A war zone!
MEREGRASS: Sonic attack incoming.
(Meregrass drives away.)
DOCTOR: You know what? I think he's got the right idea.
(The war planes swoop, their sonic weapons dissolving the tops of the
DOCTOR: Martha. Martha, look out!
(Debris falls in her direction.)
(Martha wakes to find herself in a green-lit place
with the Doctor and Meregrass.)
DOCTOR: Pretty, isn't it?
MEREGRASS: If you like that sort of thing.
(The frog is channelling Marvin the Paranoid Android a lot. The light
is provided by the local glowworms.)
MEREGRASS: Careful. Don't touch what isn't yours yet. Breakages must
still be paid for.
(Two bugs let a grenade or similar drop back into the box, which is
marked with a skull and crossbones.)
MEREGRASS: Besides which, they won't activate until I give your Queen
this key coder to switch everything on.
DOCTOR: You all right? Turns out the towers are built from dung, not
rock, but even so.
MARTHA: Yeah, I'm fine.
MARTHA: It's beautiful. Really beautiful.
QUEEN: Well said, Martha Jones.
(A giant glowing Queen ant.)
DOCTOR: Ah. Martha Jones, the Mantasphid Queen. The Mantasphid Queen
Mum, Martha Jones.
MARTHA: Your Majesty.
DOCTOR: Spot on. As I was saying, your Majesty, these alien attackers
MEREGRASS: I hope you're not putting a business proposition, Doctor.
The bidding is over. I won.
QUEEN: Meregrass is correct, Doctor. We have our military advisor
already. We do not need another.
DOCTOR: Oh, military advisor, is it? Interesting euphemism for gun
MARTHA: Gun running?
DOCTOR: In the crates.
(The glowworms enter with a shadowy figure.)
QUEEN: They've caught a pilot. Meregrass, they've caught a pilot!
DOCTOR: Stand well back. I want to see what it is you're fighting
against. Oh, what are you?
(The pilot staggers towards the Doctor, arms outstretched.)
QUEEN: Crush it and squash it! Get it away from me!
MARTHA: Wait, Doctor, it's
DOCTOR: Yeah, trying to kill me. I know.
MARTHA: No, it's panicking. Doctor, it's just frightened.
DOCTOR: Oh. Oh, oh, Martha, you are a marvel. Calm, calm, calm, calm.
Shush, shush, shush. Hey, hey, hey, I'm not going to hurt you.
(The Doctor sonicks open the pilot's environment suit to reveal a young
KELVIN: Thank you. Thank you so much. I. Training didn't prepare me, I
DOCTOR: Hey, shush. It's all right, it's all right, it's all right.
Calm down, you're fine now.
KELVIN: Sorry. My suit got damaged when I came down. No air left. I
thought I was going to die. I don't want to die.
MARTHA: Well, you didn't.
QUEEN: Fleshy biped. We must be protected from fleshy bipeds. Destroy
MEREGRASS: You can destroy them, your Majesty, with the weapons you've
DOCTOR: What's your name, Pilot?
KELVIN: Pilot Kelvin, sir.
DOCTOR: Well, Pilot Kelvin, what's wrong with you? Picking a fight with
a bunch of defenceless bugs?
KELVIN: Eh? We didn't start it.
QUEEN: Yes, they did. The fleshy bipeds have been trying to
exterminate, wipe us out.
KELVIN: No, you don't understand. This is my er, this was my home,
where I was born, brought up. We were here first!
DOCTOR: Is this true?
KELVIN: This used to be a lovely place. My parents had a homestead
here. Then the bugs arrived and drove the people out. I only joined up
once my parents were killed.
DOCTOR: Killed? Why? Why did you attack?
QUEEN: So many lovely animals they had here. So much lovely dung.
MARTHA: You invaded this planet for dung?
KELVIN: It's one of the last fertile planets in the galaxy. If it
falls, there'll be a famine like you wouldn't believe.
MEREGRASS: Your Majesty, if I may. My job here is done. I have supplied
you with means to destroy your enemies. Your contract stipulates final
payment on delivery.
QUEEN: Oh, did it? Guess what, Meregrass. I lied! There will be no
payment. Mantasphids do not make deals with fleshy bipeds.
MEREGRASS: Typical Mantasphid. I should have listened to the others.
MARTHA: What others?
MEREGRASS: The other prisoners. There was a Mantasphid there, too, who
tipped me off about this little war, so I decided to do the deal.
MARTHA: You were in prison?
MEREGRASS: Good grief no. I was a broker, a dealer. I could get letters
and gifts to the inmates, and in return
DOCTOR: You got well paid?
MEREGRASS: Mmm, of course. But the Governor always said that you could
never trust a Mantasphid.
DOCTOR: The Governor of which prison was this? Volag-Noc, perhaps?
MARTHA: Volag-Noc. Isn't that where Baltazar was?
MEREGRASS: You know of Baltazar?
(Air raid sirens wail.)
QUEEN: The fly ships, they're coming back. Bugs, defend us. They'll
destroy it all.
MEREGRASS: We're going to die here too unless we get out of here.
KELVIN: Forget it. You can't get far enough away.
MARTHA: Why not?
KELVIN: Because Earth Command can't afford to lose this planet. You
see, they've even
DOCTOR: Your Majesty, listen to me. There might still be a way.
QUEEN: Ah, Doctor, this is a fleshy biped thing, is it not? Never say
MARTHA: Yeah, exactly.
QUEEN: Fleshy bipeds are very stupid creatures, but the fight goes on.
We'll win this war yet.
MARTHA: Pilot Kelvin, what will they do to the city?
KELVIN: Well, the plan was spatial disintegration of this hundred mile
DOCTOR: They're going to burn us out of space and time.
KELVIN: Kills all known bugs. Dead.
MARTHA: So we stand here while they vapourise us?
QUEEN: Meregrass, what do we do?
MEREGRASS: You're asking me?
QUEEN: You are my military advisor. You know tactics, you know weapons.
MEREGRASS: I'd have happily helped you when I thought I was getting
paid, but without this the weapons are useless. And without my money,
you get nothing.
QUEEN: Meregrass. Meregrass!
QUEEN: Come back!
DOCTOR: We need to keep track of Meregrass. He has the datachip we need
to continue this treasure hunt.
QUEEN: It is decided. How do we surrender to the fleshy bipeds?
DOCTOR: Oh, at last. Pilot Kelvin, have you got a communications
KELVIN: Inside my helmet, sir, but it was damaged when I crashed.
DOCTOR: Oh, we'll soon have that sorted.
QUEEN: Hurry, hurry.
(The Doctor does a sonic repair.)
QUEEN: We want to surrender.
KELVIN: Doctor, there's no protocol for negotiation with the
MARTHA: Then make one.
KELVIN: I can't! They invaded our homes, killed our families.
DOCTOR: They are also living, sentient beings that have a right to
exist. Maybe not here, but somewhere.
CONTROL [OC]: Mantasphid Hive destruction commences in sixty seconds.
DOCTOR: Ooo, that's not good.
QUEEN: Please, Doctor. Hurry.
MARTHA: Doctor, listen, if the bugs can't surrender, surely we can,
DOCTOR: You are brilliant! Pilot, tell them to open up a visual
KELVIN: Control, this is Pilot Kelvin. Imperative you open a visual
link to this helmet's communication system now. Please respond.
CONTROL [OC]: Roger.
QUEEN: Hurry, Doctor!
DOCTOR: (Pirate) Ahoy there, ye Earth Command nobodies. You got Doctor
Vile, Pilot of the Constellations given you a big white flag. Fact is,
me and me mad mucker Martha here
MARTHA: Arr. Arr. Arr.
DOCTOR: (sotto) No, no, don't, don't do that. (Pirate) We been ruling
it over these insect raiders, held their Queen here hostage. But, we
have to admit, you got us beaten. Come on in and get us. We surrender!
(transmission ends.) That should do it.
QUEEN: What have you done, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Taken the rap for you, Queenie. Ended your war.
MARTHA: They'll never believe it.
DOCTOR: Oh, you reckon?
CONTROL [OC]: All units, Hive destruction cancelled. Your priority now
is to apprehend male human codename Doctor Bile.
QUEEN: How can we thank you, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Easy. Work with the humans, not against them. Young Kelvin here
can make a great ambassador.
DOCTOR: Now, listen, your Majesty. The human's farms will need power.
Light and heat are hard to come by in an oil-starved universe, right?
MARTHA: And you're naturally phosphorescent.
DOCTOR: Think you could make a deal?
MARTHA: And you get all the dung you could ever want. Brilliant! So
DOCTOR: We skedaddle out of here before Kelvin's mates arrive. Good
MARTHA: What now, catch up with Meregrass and go?
DOCTOR: Oh, we've found him.
MARTHA: Oh no, no!
DOCTOR: Sudden dehydration. Take the datachip and let's go.
MARTHA: Wait. We can't just leave him. It's like Captain Kaliko all
DOCTOR: Isn't it just. But Martha, we can't stay. We're criminals,
DOCTOR: Next datachip located. It's er, ah, it's
MARTHA: Where? Is it bad?
DOCTOR: Are you wearing thermals?
DOCTOR: Come on, you.
MARTHA: Brr. Where are we going? Where are we, full stop.
DOCTOR: Well, we've now met two people from the prison on Volag-Noc,
MARTHA: Right. But there's no prison here.
(Blue laser bars appear around them.)
DOCTOR: You were saying?
(He drops down inside the planet on an antigrav pad.)
(A few moments later, Martha follows.)
DOCTOR: I thought you'd never get here.
(They are surrounded by hovering bots.)
DOCTOR: We are visitors. Visitors, mind.
(A prison warder-bot snatches his sonic screwdriver.)
WARDER: This item is confiscated.
WARDER: Scanning for malfeasance. No convictions. No confirmation of
MARTHA: Well obviously.
(It turns back to the Doctor.)
WARDER: Scanning. Three thousand and five outstanding convictions.
DOCTOR: Oh, that many?
WARDER: With six thousand more to be taken into consideration.
DOCTOR: It's an unfair cop.
WARDER: Prison cell eight four four seven.
(The Doctor is zoomed away.)
WARDER: The Governor will see you now.
MARTHA: Oh, good. Great. I think.
(The Doctor sees his cellmate.)
DOCTOR: Oh, hello. You're clearly an android, and I'm your new
(The android holds out its big red eye to look at the Doctor.)
DOCTOR: You all right?
LOK: It hurts.
DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor. Tell me the trouble.
(Floating in the middle of the prison complex.)
(The Governor inspects the sonic screwdriver.)
MARTHA: You're the Governor here? There's been a terrible mistake.
GURNEY: We don't make mistakes on Volag-Noc. Safe!
(The wall safe behind him opens to reveal some gold coins, gold bars, a
gun and an Infinity datachip.)
MARTHA: But my friend's been
(The Governor places the sonic screwdriver in the safe.)
GURNEY: Close. You were saying?
GURNEY: Ah yes, your friend. We're still collating charges, but he's
been a very naughty boy. Minor traffic violations, fourteen hundred
thousand. Invading library fines, two hundred and fifty counts.
MARTHA: Come on, that's nothing serious.
GURNEY: Planetary demolition.
MARTHA: How many counts?
GURNEY: Seventeen. No, eighteen.
GURNEY: And all dating back three thousand years?
MARTHA: Well, I'm sure he had his reasons.
GURNEY: Maybe so, but these charges have been extracted from his own
brain. He knows what he's guilty of. And they've earned him, let's see
now, two billion years in prison.
MARTHA: Two billion!
GURNEY: He really should have taken back those library books. Hang on,
there's more. There's something here about a Doctor Vile, wanted for
piracy, as well as his accomplice. You.
(The Doctor is working on his robotic cellmate.)
DOCTOR: So then, anyway, Caw then said. Did I mention Caw before? Beak,
metal, bird, eats gold for breakfast. Anyway, he told us that Baltazar
is after the Infinite, the legendary starship that has the power to
create your heart's desire. You might know Baltazar, nasty flea, used
to live in this place. Anyway, we're having to chase around, stopping
DOCTOR: Oh, sorry, sorry. Hang on. You've been inhibited.
LOK: I have?
DOCTOR: You couldn't commit a crime if you tried.
LOK: I could not?
DOCTOR: Then you shouldn't be here at all. Oh, I'm not having this.
(The Doctor pulls a small module from Gurney.)
LOK: Thank you.
DOCTOR: Right then, we'll have to dig our way out. Don't suppose you
concealed a teaspoon? I lost mine.
LOK: There is a more direct way. Now.
(And he uses the big gun on the end of one arm to blast a big hole in
the cell door.)
MARTHA: What was that?
GURNEY: Warder, what's up with the lights?
WARDER: Power fluctuation detected, Governor. A cell has been opened
GURNEY: Opened? Where?
WARDER: Cell eight four four seven.
GURNEY: That cell is off-limits!
MARTHA: Didn't your tin pet there put the Doctor in cell eight four
GURNEY: No. I gave explicit orders no one was to be put in with the
MARTHA: The Governor, were you going to say? I saw that datachip in
your safe. So if you're not the Governor, who are you?
GURNEY: Don't you get it? He's escaped. Your friend's let him out.
MARTHA: And we've only been here five minutes. Nice on, Doctor.
(Something is hammering at the door to the office, then it starts to
cut its way in.)
MARTHA: What's doing that?
(The door falls inwards.)
DOCTOR: Hello, Martha Jones. You'll never guess who I'm with.
MARTHA: Mmm, the real Governor?
DOCTOR: Oh, you guessed. The thing is, if Lok here is the Governor, who
(The warder's extendible arm grabs Lok around its 'throat'.)
GURNEY: Look what you've done, letting him out.
DOCTOR: Hang on, hang on. Hold this for a moment, will you?
(The psychic paper.)
GURNEY: But there's nothing on it.
DOCTOR: It's psychic.
(The Doctor takes it back.)
DOCTOR: And it tells me you're Constantine Ethelred Gurney, prisoner.
Ah ha! Convicted of larceny, blackmail, fraud, blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah. Released. Released!
GURNEY: I did my time, I got let out, I broke back in.
MARTHA: That's new. Why?
(Lok is blasting the other warder-bots that come to help.)
GURNEY: Because of him, living here in luxury. He's an android, he
don't even need it, but me? There are people across the seven galaxies
who still want my head on a plate, putting my face on wanted posters.
Wanted, dead or alive, open brackets preferably dead
DOCTOR: Close brackets. Yeah, I get the picture.
GURNEY: There was this guy I met, sold me a nifty little programme of
the warders. They saw me as Lok, and Lok as me.
DOCTOR: This guy. Name of Meregrass by any chance?
GURNEY: You know him! Great guy. Anyway, I kept Lok safely locked up
until you come along.
(Lok finally blasts the warder holding him. It shuts down for a few
moments, presumably rebooting.)
LOK: Free at last. Gurney.
DOCTOR: Not now, Mister Lok. We did a deal.
LOK: No deals. Creatures like Gurney are beyond redemption. Their
rehabilitation is pointless. Warder, all the prisoners in Volag-Noc are
beyond rehabilitation. They must die.
WARDER: Commencing self-sterilisation on your command.
MARTHA: You can't!
DOCTOR: Stop it. Stop it now. It's not their fault.
LOK: It is the only way to cure them.
(Gurney grabs the gun and shoots Lok, damaging it.)
LOK: It's the only way. It's the only way.
MARTHA: Doctor, the prisoners.
DOCTOR: I'm on it.
(The Doctor uses the Governor's computer console.)
DOCTOR: Argh. Gurney, how do we stop the killing? I need to use that
programme Meregrass sold you so that the warders won't take Lok's
orders any more.
(Gurney has his arms full of gold, and the datachip.)
GURNEY: No longer my problem, Doctor. I'm getting out of here.
MARTHA: The datachip!
(Gurney zooms up to the surface on an antigrav pad.)
COMPUTER: Order terminated.
DOCTOR: Oh, yes. Skill. Now, where's me sonic screwdriver?
(Lok collapses, breaking his desk.)
DOCTOR: Mind, you'll do yourself a damage.
(Gurney has dropped a gold bar on his way up.
Martha has followed him.)
MARTHA: There's nowhere to run, Gurney.
GURNEY: I've got to get away from here.
MARTHA: Gurney? Gurney?
(Martha leans over him, and gets the gun pointed at her face.)
GURNEY: Greener than a seasick kitten, aren't you? Take me with you in
MARTHA: I can't fly the Tardis.
GURNEY: Is that so? Then you're no use to me. No, it can't be.
(Caw and Baltazar are flying through the snow.)
BALTAZAR: Revenge! Finally.
BALTAZAR: The final datachip at last.
MARTHA: Gurney, no!
(Gurney shoots Caw, sending him crashing.)
BALTAZAR: Oh no you don't.
CAW: Sorry, Miss Martha. Caw's been a dirty birdie.
MARTHA: So you were working with him all the time, weren't you. You
sent us on this hunt for the datachips on his orders.
CAW: I'm sorry. It's the gold, see. He promised me all the gold I could
CAW: Gurney, he got me right in the fusion chamber. I'm done for now.
MARTHA: There must be something I can do.
DOCTOR: There's not.
MARTHA: Doctor. Doctor, listen, we have to help him. We have to do
DOCTOR: Caw runs on gold fusion. Once his reactor's burned out, that's
(Caw gasps his last.)
MARTHA: Caw? Caw!
BALTAZAR: Good afternoon, Doctor. We have some unfinished business.
(Baltazar holds up the datachip.)
BALTAZAR: Get in. Turn around. Hand in the air.
DOCTOR: So how'd you find us? It's very tricky to track a Tardis.
BALTAZAR: I had insider information. Have you met Squawk?
(A tiny metal bird flies from -)
MARTHA: My brooch!
DOCTOR: Oh, no.
BALTAZAR: This little accessory has helped me track you every step of
the way. Fly away, birdie.
(Squawk flies out of the open Tardis door.)
DOCTOR: An accessory to murder.
BALTAZAR: Surely that's you, Doctor. You needed a little bit of help
collecting the datachips. I knew my poor old cellmates who told me all
about the Infinite would never willingly give you theirs. First there
was Kaliko, then there was Meregrass. Now he dried up very quickly. And
that was Gurney's. Pick it up.
(The Doctor does.)
DOCTOR: This is why you needed me, isn't it. You knew only my Tardis
could track each datachip from planet to planet.
BALTAZAR: I knew only you would have something that could read
datachips older than recorded history itself. Off you go.
(Meanwhile, Squawk as flown to the remains of Caw.)
(The Tardis console produces a 3D starmap from the datachip.)
DOCTOR: The Hesperus galaxy.
(And zooms into a planetary system.)
DOCTOR: And that'll be the Caris system.
MARTHA: It's a map.
BALTAZAR: Telling us the location of the Infinite. Keep going.
DOCTOR: I spy asteroid seven five seven four B? Yeah, B.
BALTAZAR: Set your controls. We're going.
DOCTOR: This isn't a taxi!
BALTAZAR: Set the controls or Miss Martha gets skewered.
DOCTOR: Look, Baltazar, the Infinite, it's a myth, a legend. But even
if it does exist, even if it contains a fraction of the power everyone
claims, it'll consume you. Destroy you.
BALTAZAR: No, it'll give me my heart's desire, Doctor. So set the
(The Doctor obeys.)
BALTAZAR: That's the course laid in?
BALTAZAR: Then all you have to do is push the button.
DOCTOR: Well, more or less.
BALTAZAR: Then I don't need you any more, do I.
DOCTOR: Er, no.
MARTHA: No! Doctor!
(A green flash from Baltazar's hook arm send the Doctor flying out of
the open door.)
(The Doctor wakes up.)
DOCTOR: Martha? No. No! Martha? Martha!
(The Tardis is in flight.)
MARTHA: He'll be back.
BALTAZAR: He's a thousand light years away, alone in the cold. You
won't be seeing him again for a while. Not before I get my heart's
MARTHA: She's huge.
BALTAZAR: The wreck of the Infinite, at last. She was smashed to bits
centuries back, flotsam spread out over half the galaxy. I found out on
Volag-Noc that Kaliko, Meregrass and Gurney had all come by bits of the
MARTHA: Aw, and they wouldn't share them with you?
BALTAZAR: Not even with each other.
MARTHA: I guess X marks the spot.
BALTAZAR: In you go. You're looking for the hold.
MARTHA: The hold? Won't that be Eeek!
(Martha falls down a hole.)
BALTAZAR: Down. Yep.
(The torch goes out.)
MARTHA: Diagnosis, no bones broken. That's something.
(She hears noises.)
(A shadowy figure appears ahead of her.)
MARTHA: Doctor! I knew it! I knew you'd be back. Wait a minute. How?
BALTAZAR: Girl? Girlie? Martha?
DOCTOR: Watch out below!
(The Doctor is flying in on a giant metal bird.)
DOCTOR: Ahoy there. Meet Squawk. He's grown up now.
(Baltazar laughs as the Doctor has problems landing.)
DOCTOR: Haven't got the hang of landing yet.
(Squawk gets his claws down and the Doctor flies off over his head.)
BALTAZAR: Out for the count, squawk. And I thought I could rely on you
SQUAWK: Doctor says you're a bad influence, like you were with me Dad.
BALTAZAR: And now I have exactly what you need. Gold. Lots and lots of
lovely glittering gold. Keep you fed for years.
(The Doctor throws his vacuum-breather at Baltazar, knocking him down.)
DOCTOR: What do I keep on telling you? Don't listen to the villains!
BALTAZAR: That hurt.
DOCTOR: Where is she? Where's Martha?
(Martha is hugging the other Doctor.)
MARTHA: But what about the treasure?
DOCTOR: Your heart's desire.
MARTHA: Of course. You're not the Doctor. My heart's desire, indeed.
(The pseudo-Doctor glows silver, and the real one walks up to them.)
DOCTOR: Excuse me, I think that's my friend you're scaring.
MARTHA: Hiya. Can you make him go away?
DOCTOR: That's up to you, I'm afraid. You conjured him up.
MARTHA: But how am I supposed to
DOCTOR 2: Heart's desire.
MARTHA: Oh, I don't believe I walked into this.
MARTHA: Gotcha! I said, I don't believe this.
(Her heart's desire vanishes.)
MARTHA: Oh, yes!
DOCTOR: Oh, don't even try to find my heart's desire.
MARTHA: Hello you, proper you.
DOCTOR: Ah. Now then, aren't you going to ask me how I got here, and
hear all about my adventures on Volag-Noc? How I bottle-fed Squawk with
my own gold and reprogrammed Lok to run a better prison? It's been
three years, you know.
MARTHA: Three years?
DOCTOR: Well, two and three quarters. We gained a bit of that by flying
past lightspeed, of course.
MARTHA: Lightspeed? How?
DOCTOR: I gave Squawk's engines a bit of pep, bit of zing. bit of
MARTHA: I knew you'd be back. So, this is the Infinite.
DOCTOR: Every pirate and freebooter and treasure hunter dreams of it
and wants to find this.
MARTHA: Their heart's desire. What did it show you, by the way?
DOCTOR: Doesn't matter. Didn't work on me. Anyway, whatever power this
place once had is fading away daily. The whole ship's only held
together by wishes and hopes.
MARTHA: There's nothing living here, is there.
DOCTOR: Not now. One of the great Old Ones was once. It died out here,
alone and lost, screaming its rage and fury into the solitude until its
unique power dissipated. Just left a little fading echo, enough to give
us a glimpse of our heart's desire.
DOCTOR: Oh, no.
(A massive pile of gold bars fills the hold, bigger than a dragon's
BALTAZAR: Gold. Diamonds. Treasure, Doctor, enough treasure to buy me a
new ship. A whole fleet. And I can destroy you, Earth, Volag-Noc, and
everything in between.
DOCTOR: Oh, be scourge of the galaxy again, is that the best you can
MARTHA: It's not real. It's just an echo of the power
DOCTOR: He's not listening, Martha. The ship's so old and rusted, just
held together by wishful thinking.
(One whiz of the sonic screwdriver, and the horde vanishes. The
superstructure begins to crumble.)
MARTHA: Come on, Captain Useless.
(The Doctor and Martha get back to the Tardis
DOCTOR: Sorry, full up. There'll be another one along in a minute.
BALTAZAR: No, Doctor, you can't leave me here!
(The Tardis dematerialises. The Infinite breaks apart.)
MARTHA: I know he was rotten to the core, but
DOCTOR: Oh, I left him a way out.
DOCTOR: Of course, it'd only matter if I didn't
know exactly where Squawk was going to drop him off.
BALTAZAR: Curse you, Doctor. Curse you.
(His cell door slams shut.)
DOCTOR: Searching for your heart's desire, Martha,
never been all it's cracked up to be. Now then, Martha Jones, another
job for you.
MARTHA: Oh yes?
DOCTOR: Yes. Start giving me some random numbers.
MARTHA: Oh, not again.
DOCTOR: Come on, it'll be fun. When do I ever let you down? Ha, ha, ha,