The Unicorn and The Wasp

Original Airdate: 17 May, 2008

[Grounds]

(The Tardis materialises just inside the grounds of a grand old manor house.)
DOCTOR: Oh, smell that air. Grass and lemonade. And a little bit of mint. A hint of mint. Must be the nineteen twenties.
DONNA: You can tell what year it is just by smelling?
DOCTOR: Oh, yeah.
DONNA: Or maybe that big vintage car coming up the drive gave it away.
(An open topped tourer turns on the gravel in front of the house and sounds its horn. Two servants come out, the butler and a footman. The butler is not called Jeeves. This is not Wodehouse-land.)
GREEVES: The Professor's baggage, Richard. Step lively.
(The older driver gets out and removes his goggles.)
GREEVES: Good afternoon, Professor Peach.
PEACH: Hello, Greeves, old man.
(The young vicar rides up on his bicycle.)
PEACH: Ah, Reverend.
GOLIGHTLY: Professor Peach. Beautiful day. The Lord's in his heaven, all's right with the world.
GREEVES: Reverend Golightly. Lady Eddison requests you make yourselves comfortable in your rooms. Cocktails will be served on the lawn from half past four.
PEACH: You go on up. I need check something in the library.
GOLIGHTLY: Oh?
PEACH: Alone.
GOLIGHTLY: It's supposed to be a party. All this work will be the death of you.
(The Doctor and Donna are eavesdropping in the shrubbery.)
DONNA: Never mind Planet Zog. A party in the nineteen twenties, that's more like it.
DOCTOR: The trouble is, we haven't been invited. Oh, I forgot. Yes, we have.

[Library]

(The Professor is examining some papers.)
PEACH: I was right. Kept secret all these years. It's unbelievable. But why didn't they ask? Heavens!
(The bits in italics are book titles. All will become clear soon. The Professor has been startled by a noise. Someone has entered the room. He hides the papers behind his back.)
PEACH: Oh, it's you. I was just doing a little research. I say, what are you doing with that lead piping?
(There is a buzzing sound, and we see the Professor through multifaceted eyes.)
PEACH: But that's impossible. Oh, no!
(We are shown a wasp as the deed is done in the library with the lead piping. Very Cluedo.)

[Grounds]

(The Doctor knocks on the Tardis door.)
DOCTOR: We'll be late for cocktails.
(Donna has changed into a beaded dress suitable for the period. The Doctor is already The Man in the Brown Suit.
DONNA: What do you think? Flapper or slapper?
DOCTOR: Flapper. You look lovely.

[Lawns]

(The young footman starts a record playing while the Indian housekeeper gives orders.)
CHANDRAKALA: Look sharp. We have guests.
DOCTOR: Good afternoon.
DAVENPORT: Drinks, sir? Ma'am?
DONNA: Sidecar, please.
DOCTOR: And a lime and soda, thank you.
GREEVES: May I announce Lady Clemency Eddison.
(Lady Eddison is a petite older woman.)
DOCTOR: Lady Eddison.
CLEMENCY: Forgive me, but who exactly might you be, and what are you doing here?
DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor. And this is Miss Donna Noble, of the Chiswick Nobles.
(Donna puts on a posh accent and drops a curtsey.)
DONNA: Good afternoon, my lady. Topping day, what? Spiffing. Top hole.
DOCTOR: No, no, no, no, no. No, don't do that. Don't.
(The Doctor shows the psychic paper to Lady Eddison.)
DOCTOR: We were thrilled to receive your invitation, my lady. We met at the Ambassador's reception.
CLEMENCY: Doctor, how could I forget you? But one must be sure with the Unicorn on the loose.
DOCTOR: A unicorn? Brilliant. Where?
CLEMENCY: The Unicorn. The jewel thief? Nobody knows who he is. He's just struck again. Snatched Lady Babbington's pearls right from under her nose.
DONNA: Funny place to wear pearls.
GREEVES: May I announce Colonel Hugh Curbishley, the Honourable Roger Curbishley.
(Roger is pushing his father's wheelchair.)
CLEMENCY: My husband, and my son.
CURBISHLEY: Forgive me for not rising. Never been the same ever since that flu epidemic back in eighteen.
ROGER: My word, you are a super lady.
DONNA: Oh, I like the cut of your jib. Chin, chin.
DOCTOR: Hello. I'm the Doctor.
ROGER: How do you do?
DOCTOR: Very well.
DAVENPORT: Your usual, sir?
ROGER: Ah. Thank you, Davenport. Just how I like it.
DONNA: How come she's an Eddison, but her husband and son are Curbishleys?
DOCTOR: The Eddison title descends through her. One day Roger will be a lord.
GREEVES: Robina Redmond.
(A fashionable young woman.)
CLEMENCY: She's the absolute hit of the social scene. A must. Miss Redmond.
ROBINA: Spiffing to meet you at last, my lady. What super fun.
GREEVES: Reverend Arnold Golightly.
CLEMENCY: Ah, Reverend. How are you? I heard about the church last Thursday night. Those ruffians breaking in.
CURBISHLEY: You apprehended them, I hear.
GOLIGHTLY: As the Christian Fathers taught me, we must forgive them their trespasses. Quite literally.
ROGER: Some of these young boys deserve a descent thrashing.
DAVENPORT: Couldn't agree more, sir.
DONNA: Typical. All the decent men are on the other bus.
DOCTOR: Or Time Lords.
ROGER: Now, my lady. What about this special guest you promised us?
CLEMENCY: Here she is. A lady who needs no introduction.
(A thirty-something woman is embarrassed by the applause.)
AGATHA: No, no, please, don't. Thank you, Lady Eddison. Honestly, there's no need.
AGATHA: Agatha Christie.
DONNA: What about her?
AGATHA: That's me.
DONNA: No. You're kidding.
DOCTOR: Agatha Christie. I was just talking about you the other day. I said, I bet she's brilliant. I'm the Doctor. This is Donna. Oh, I love your stuff. What a mind. You fool me every time. Well, almost every time. Well, once or twice. Well, once. But it was a good once.
AGATHA: You make a rather unusual couple.
DOCTOR: Oh, no, no, no, no. We're not married.
DONNA: We're not a couple.
AGATHA: Well, obviously not. No wedding ring.
DOCTOR: Oh. Oh, you don't miss a trick.
AGATHA: I'd stay that way if I were you. The thrill is in the chase, never in the capture.
CLEMENCY: Mrs Christie, I'm so glad you could come. I'm one of your greatest followers. I've read all six of your books. Er, is, er, Mister Christie not joining us?
AGATHA: Is he needed? Can't a woman make her own way in the world?
CURBISHLEY: Don't give my wife ideas.
ROGER: Now Mrs Christie, I have a question. Why a Belgian detective?
(The Doctor borrows the Colonel's newspaper.)
DOCTOR: Excuse me, Colonel.
AGATHA: Belgians make such lovely buns.
ROGER: I say, where on Earth's Professor Peach? He'd love to meet Mrs Christie.
GOLIGHTLY: Said he was going to the library.
CLEMENCY: Miss Chandrakala, would you go and collect the Professor?
CHANDRAKALA: At once, Milady.
DOCTOR: The date on this newspaper.
DONNA: What about it?
DOCTOR: It's the day Agatha Christie disappeared.

[Outside the library]

CHANDRAKALA: Professor Peach?
(She opens the door.)
CHANDRAKALA: Professor?

[Lawns]

DOCTOR: She'd just discovered her husband was having an affair.
DONNA: You'd never think to look at her, smiling away.
DOCTOR: Well, she's British and moneyed. That's what they do. They carry on. Except for this one time. No one knows exactly what happened. She just vanished. Her car will be found tomorrow morning by the side of a lake. Ten days later, Agatha Christie turns up in a hotel in Harrogate. Said she'd lost her memory. She never spoke about the disappearance till the day she died, but whatever it was.
DONNA: It's about to happen.
DOCTOR: Right here, right now.
CHANDRAKALA: Professor! The library! Murder! Murder!

[Library]

(The Doctor enters, followed by Donna and Agatha. He goes to the body.
GREEVES: Oh, my goodness.
DOCTOR: Bashed on the head. Blunt instrument. Watch broke as he fell. Time of death was quarter past four.
(He look through the papers on the desk.)
DONNA: A bit of pipe. Call me Hercules Poirot, but I reckon that's blunt enough.
(Agatha finds a piece of burnt paper in the grate and puts it in her bag.)
DOCTOR: Nothing worth killing for in that lot. Dry as dust.
DONNA: Hold on. The Body In The Library? I mean, Professor Peach, in the library, with the lead piping?
(The other guests force their way in.)
CLEMENCY: Let me see.
CURBISHLEY: Out of my way.
CLEMENCY: Gerald?
GOLIGHTLY: Saints preserve us.
ROBINA: Oh how awful.
AGATHA: Someone should call the police.
DOCTOR: You don't have to. Chief Inspector Smith from Scotland Yard, known as the Doctor. Miss Noble is the plucky young girl who helps me out.
(He flashes the psychic paper again.)
CLEMENCY: I say.
DOCTOR: Mrs Christie was right. Go into the sitting room. I will question each of you in turn.
AGATHA: Come along. Do as the Doctor says. Leave the room undisturbed.
(Agatha leads the others away.)
DONNA: The plucky young girl who helps me out?
DOCTOR: No policewomen in 1926.
DONNA: I'll pluck you in a minute. Why don't we phone the real police?
DOCTOR: Well the last thing we want is PC Plod sticking his nose in, especially now I've found this. Morphic residue.
(He scrapes some gunge off the floorboards.)
DONNA: Morphic? Doesn't sound very 1926.
DOCTOR: It's left behind when certain species genetically re-encode.
DONNA: The murderer's an alien?
DOCTOR: Which means one of that lot is an alien in human form.
DONNA: Yeah, but think about it. There's a murder, a mystery, and Agatha Christie.
DOCTOR: So? Happens to me all the time.
DONNA: No, but isn't that a bit weird? Agatha Christie didn't walk around surrounded by murders. Not really. I mean, that's like meeting Charles Dickens and he's surrounded by ghosts at Christmas.
DOCTOR: Well.
DONNA: Oh, come on! It's not like we could drive across country and find Enid Blyton having tea with Noddy. Could we? Noddy's not real. Is he? Tell me there's no Noddy.
DOCTOR: There's no Noddy.

[Outside the library]

DONNA: Next thing you know, you'll be telling me it's like Murder On The Orient Express, and they all did it.
AGATHA: Murder on the Orient Express?
DONNA: Ooo, yeah. One of your best.
DOCTOR: But not yet.
AGATHA: Marvellous idea, though.
DONNA: Yeah. Tell you what. Copyright Donna Noble, okay?
DOCTOR: Anyway. Agatha and I will question the suspects. Donna, you search the bedrooms. Look for clues. (sotto) Any more residue.
DOCTOR: You'll need this.
(A large magnifying glass.)
DONNA: Is that for real?
DOCTOR: Go on. You're ever so plucky.
(Donna takes the magnifying glass and goes upstairs.)
DOCTOR: Right then. Solving a murder mystery with Agatha Christie. Brilliant.
AGATHA: How like a man to have fun while there's disaster all around him.
DOCTOR: Sorry. Yeah.
AGATHA: I'll work with you, gladly, but for the sake of justice, not your own amusement.
DOCTOR: Yeah.

[Sitting room]

(The Doctor is conducting individual interviews as Agatha takes notes.)
DOCTOR: Now then, Reverend. Where were you at a quarter past four?
GOLIGHTLY: Let me think. Why yes, I remember. I was unpacking in my room.
DOCTOR: No alibi, then.
AGATHA: You were alone?
GOLIGHTLY: With the Lord, one is never truly alone, Doctor?
(And on to the next suspect.) 
DOCTOR: And where were you?
ROGER: Let me think. I was. Oh, yes. I was taking a constitutional in the fields behind the house. Just taking a stroll, that's all.
DOCTOR: Alone?
ROGER: Oh, yes, all alone. Totally alone. Absolutely alone. Completely. All of the time.
(In Roger's memory, he meets Davenport, the pretty young footman, and goes off with him, hand in hand.)
ROGER: I wandered lonely as the proverbial cloud. There was no one else with me. Not at all. Not ever.
(Next.)
DOCTOR: And where were you?
ROBINA: At a quarter past four. Well, I went to the toilet when I arrived, and then er. Oh, yes, I remember. I was preparing myself.
(She is checking a small revolver she is carrying in her little bag.)
ROBINS: Positively buzzing with excitement about the party and the super fun of meeting Lady Eddy.
DOCTOR: We've only got your word for it.
ROBINA: That's your problem, not mine.
(Then it is the turn of -)
DOCTOR: And where were you, sir?
CURBISHLEY: Quarter past four? Dear me, let me think. Ah, yes, I remember. I was in me study, reading through some military memoirs. Fascinating stuff.
(Pictures of young ladies dressed only in a string of pearls, actually.)
CURBISHLEY: Took me back to my days in the army. Started reminiscing. Mafeking, you know. Terrible war.
(Except he is recalling a can-can dance.)
DOCTOR: Colonel, snap out of it.
CURBISHLEY: I was in me study
DOCTOR: No, no, no. Right out of it.
CURBISHLEY: Oh, sorry. Got a bit carried away there.
(Next.)
DOCTOR: And where were you at a quarter past four, my lady?
CLEMENCY: Now, let me see. Yes, I remember. I was sitting in the Blue Room, taking my afternoon tea.
(Draining a hip flask of its contents.)
CLEMENCY: It's a ritual of mine. I needed to gather strength for the duty of hostess. I then proceeded to the lawn where I met you, Doctor, and I said, who exactly might you be and what are you doing here? And you said, I am the Doctor and this is Miss Donna Noble.
DOCTOR: Yes, yes. You can stop now. I was there for that bit.
CLEMENCY: Of course. (hic) Excuse me.
(Later, the two detectives are pacing.)
AGATHA: No alibis for any of them. The Secret Adversary remains hidden. We must look for a motive. Use ze little grey cells.
DOCTOR: Oh, yes, little grey cells. Good old Poirot. You know, I've been to Belgium. Yeah. I remember I was deep in the Ardennes, trying to find Charlemagne. He'd been kidnapped by an insane computer.
(The Doctor recalls making his way through the woods with a machete and bow and quiver slung across his back.)
AGATHA: Doctor? Doctor.
DOCTOR: Sorry.
AGATHA: Charlemagne lived centuries ago.
DOCTOR: I've got a very good memory.
AGATHA: For such an experienced detective, you missed a big clue.
DOCTOR: What, that bit of paper you nicked out the fire?
AGATHA: You were looking the other way.
DOCTOR: Yeah, but I saw you reflected in the glass of the bookcase.
AGATHA: You crafty man. This is all that was left.
(The charred fragment says aiden.)
DOCTOR: What's that first letter? N or M?
AGATHA: It's an M. The word is maiden.
DOCTOR: Maiden! What does that mean?
AGATHA: We're still no further forward. Our Nemesis remains at large. Unless Miss Noble's found something.

[Upstairs corridor]

(Donna has found a locked door. The butler sneaks up behind her.)
GREEVES: You won't find anything in there.
DONNA: How come it's locked?
GREEVES: Lady Eddison commands it to be so.
DONNA: And I command it to be otherwise. Scotland Yard. Pip, pip.
(Greeves unlocks the door.)
DONNA: Why's it locked in the first place?
GREEVES: Many years ago, when my father was butler to the family, Lady Eddison returned from India with malaria. She locked herself in this room for six months until she recovered. Since then, the room has remained undisturbed.

[Child's bedroom]

(The curtains are drawn. A teddy sits at the bottom of the little bed.)
GREEVES: There's nothing in here.
DONNA: How long's it been empty?
GREEVES: Forty years.
DONNA: Why would she seal it off? All right, I need to investigate. You just butle off.
(Donna closes the door and starts to look around. She hears an insect buzzing around.)
DONNA: 1926, they've still got bees. Oh, what a noise. All right, busy bee, I'll let you out. Hold on, I shall find you with my amazing powers of detection.
(Donna pulls the curtains open to reveal a giant wasp outside. It smashes through the glass.)
DONNA: That's impossible.
(Donna backs up to the broken window.)
DONNA: Doctor!
(Donna holds up the magnifying glass and focuses the bright sunshine onto the insect. The pain gives her the chance to run out of the room.)

[Upstairs corridor]

DONNA: Doctor!
(The wasp's sting comes through the wooden door. The Doctor and Agatha arrive.)
DONNA: It's a giant wasp.
DOCTOR: What do you mean, a giant wasp?
DONNA: I mean, a wasp that's giant.
AGATHA: It's only a silly little insect.
DONNA: When I say giant, I don't mean big, I mean flipping enormous! Look at its sting.
DOCTOR: Let me see.

[Child's bedroom]

DOCTOR: It's gone. Buzzed off.
AGATHA: But that's fascinating
DOCTOR: Don't touch it. Don't touch it. Let me
(The Doctor scoops some gunk from the stinger into a test tube with a pencil.)
DOCTOR: Giant wasp. Well, tons of amorphous insectivorous lifeforms, but none in this galactic vector.
AGATHA: I think I understood some of those words. Enough to know that you're completely potty.
DONNA: Lost its sting, though. That makes it defenceless.
DOCTOR: Oh, a creature this size? Got to be able to grow a new one.
AGATHA: Can we return to sanity? There are no such things as giant wasps.
DOCTOR: Exactly. So. The question is, what's it doing here?

[Kitchen]

HART: A murder? That's put the Cat Among The Pigeons and no mistake.
CHANDRAKALA: It is not the stuff of gossip, Mrs Hart. Continue with your work.
DAVENPORT: But who'd want to do in the old professor? He was always asking questions about that book of his. What's all that about?
CHANDRAKALA: A dead man's folly, nothing more. Though perhaps if he asked about? I must go and see Milady.

[Outside the kitchen]

(Miss Chandrakala goes outside and along the gravel path to the main part of the house. As she rounds a corner, there is a grating sound. She stops and looks up, and a stone gargoyle falls on her. Her scream is heard indoors. She is still alive when the Doctor, Donna and Agatha get to her.)
CHANDRAKALA: The poor little child.
(She dies. They hear buzzing.)
DOCTOR: There!
(The wasp has grown a new stinger already.)
DOCTOR: Come on!

[Staircase]

(They run up the stairs.)
DONNA: Hey, this makes a change. There's a monster, and we're chasing it.
AGATHA: It can't be a monster. It's a trick. They Do It With Mirrors.

[Upstairs corridor]

AGATHA: By all that's holy.
DOCTOR: Oh, but you are wonderful. Now, just stop. Stop there.
(The wasp lunges at them, scarring the wall with its stinger.)
DONNA: Oi, fly boy.
(Donna holds up the magnifying glass and it retreats.)
DOCTOR: Don't let it get away! Quick, before it reverts back to human form. Where are you? Come on. There's nowhere to run. Show yourself!
(Every door opens and someone steps out.)
DOCTOR: Oh, that's just cheating.

[Drawing room]

CLEMENCY: My faithful companion, this is terrible.
DAVENPORT: Excuse me, my lady, but she was on her way to tell you something.
CLEMENCY: She never found me. She had an appointment with death instead.
DOCTOR: She said, the poor little child. Does that mean anything to anyone?
CURBISHLEY: No children in this house for years. Highly unlikely there will be.
CLEMENCY: Mrs Christie, you must have twigged something. You've written simply the best detective stories.
GOLIGHTLY: Tell us, what would Poirot do?
CURBISHLEY: Heavens sake. Cards On The Table, woman. You should be helping us.
AGATHA: But, I'm merely a writer.
ROBINA: But surely you can crack it. These events, they're exactly like one of your plots.
DONNA: That's what I've been saying. Agatha, that's got to mean something.
AGATHA: But what? I've no answers. None. I'm sorry, all of you. I'm truly sorry, but I've failed. If anyone can help us, then it's the Doctor, not me.

[Gazebo]

(Agatha has retreated to a little wrought iron gazebo just outside the house.)
DONNA: Do you know what I think? Those books of yours, one day they could turn them into films. They could be talking pictures.
AGATHA: Talking pictures? Pictures that talk? What do you mean?
DONNA: Oh, blimey, I've done it again.
AGATHA: I appreciate you trying to be kind, but you're right. These murders are like my own creations. It's as though someone's mocking me, and I've had enough scorn for one lifetime.
DONNA: Yeah. Thing is, I had this bloke once. I was engaged. And I loved him, I really did. Turns out he was lying through his teeth. But do you know what? I moved on. I was lucky. I found the Doctor. It's changed my life. There's always someone else.
AGATHA: I see. Is my marriage the stuff of gossip now?
DONNA: No, I just. Sorry.
AGATHA: No matter. The stories are true. I found my husband with another woman. A younger, prettier woman. Isn't it always the way?
DONNA: Well, mine was with a giant spider, but, same difference.
AGATHA: You and the Doctor talk such wonderful nonsense.
DONNA: Agatha, people love your books. They really do. They're going to be reading them for years to come.
AGATHA: If only. Try as I might, it's hardly great literature. Now that's beyond me. I'm afraid my books will be forgotten, like ephemera. Hello, what's that? Those flowerbeds were perfectly neat earlier. now some of the stalks are bent over.
(Agatha picks up a small case.)
DONNA: There you go. Who'd ever notice that? You're brilliant.

[Sitting room]

(The Doctor opens the case. It is full of lock-picking tools.)
DOCTOR: Ooo. Someone came here tooled up. The sort of stuff a thief would use.
AGATHA: The Unicorn. He's here.
DOCTOR: The Unicorn and the wasp.
(Greeves enters.)
GREEVES: Your drinks, ladies. Doctor.
DOCTOR: Very good, Greeves.
(Greeves leaves.)
DONNA: How about the science stuff. What did you find?
DOCTOR: Vespiform sting. Vespiforms have got hives in the Silfrax galaxy.
AGATHA: Again, you talk like Edward Lear.
DOCTOR: But for some reason, this one's behaving like a character in one of your books.
DONNA: Come on, Agatha. What would Miss Marple do? She'd have overheard something vital by now, because the murderer thinks she's just a harmless old lady.
AGATHA: Clever idea. Miss Marple? Who writes those?
DONNA: Er, copyright Donna Noble. Add it to the list.
DOCTOR: Donna.
DONNA: Okay, we could split the copyright.
DOCTOR: No. Something's inhibiting my enzymes. Argh! I've been poisoned.
(The Doctor is nearly doubled up in pain.)
DONNA: What do we do? What do we do?.
(Agatha sniffs his drink.)
AGATHA: Bitter almonds. It's cyanide. Sparkling Cyanide.

[Kitchen]

(The Doctor staggers in and grabs Davenport.)
DOCTOR: Ginger beer!
DAVENPORT: I beg your pardon?
DOCTOR: I need ginger beer.
HART: The gentleman's gone mad.
(The Doctor finds his ginger beer and drinks.)
AGATHA: I'm an expert in poisons. Doctor, there's no cure. It's fatal.
(The Doctor spits out the surplus ginger beer.)
DOCTOR: Not for me. I can stimulate the inhibited enzymes into reversal. Protein. I need protein.
DONNA: Walnuts?
DOCTOR: Brilliant.
(The Doctor fills his mouth with them.)
DONNA: I can't understand you. How many words? One. One word. Shake. Milk shake. Milk? Milk? No, not milk? Shake, shake, shake. Cocktail shaker. What do you want, a Harvey Wallbanger?
DOCTOR: Harvey Wallbanger?
DONNA: Well, I don't know.
DOCTOR: How is Harvey Wallbanger one word?
AGATHA: What do you need, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Salt. I was miming salt. It's salt. I need something salty.
DONNA: What about this?
DOCTOR: What is it?
DONNA: Salt.
DOCTOR: No, too salty.
DONNA: Oh, that's too salty.
AGATHA: What about this?.
DONNA: What's that?
AGATHA: Anchovies.
(The Doctor downs the contents of the jar.)
DONNA: What is it? What else? It's a song? Mammy? I don't know. Camptown Races?
DOCTOR: Camptown Races?
DONNA: Well, all right then, Towering Inferno.
DOCTOR: It's a shock. Look, shock. I need a shock.
DONNA: Right then. Big shock coming up.
(Donna grabs the Doctor and kisses him long and hard. When she releases him, smoke comes from his mouth.)
DOCTOR: Detox. Oh my. I must do that more often. I mean, the detox.
AGATHA: Doctor, you are impossible. Who are you?

[Dining room]

(Night has fallen, and thunder and lightning crash overhead. The hosts and guests are on the soup course. There is a vase of Yellow Irises on the table.)
DOCTOR: A terrible day for all of us. The Professor struck down, Miss Chandrakala taken cruelly from us, and yet we still take dinner.
CLEMENCY: We are British, Doctor. What else must we do?
DOCTOR: And then someone tried to poison me. Any one of you had the chance to put cyanide in my drink. But it rather gave me an idea.
GOLIGHTLY: And what would that be?
DOCTOR: Well, poison. Drink up. I've laced the soup with pepper.
CURBISHLEY: Ah, I thought it was jolly spicy.
DOCTOR: But the active ingredient of pepper is piperine, traditionally used as an insecticide. So, anyone got the shivers?
(On cue, there is a crash of thunder and the windows blow open, extinguishing the candles.)
CURBISHLEY: What the deuce is that?
DOCTOR: Listen, listen, listen, listen.
(Buzz.)
CLEMENCY: No, it can't be.
(Lightning illuminates the room.)
AGATHA: Show yourself, demon.
DOCTOR: Nobody move. No, don't! Stay where you are.
(Then the wasp is there. Chaos and panic.)
DOCTOR: Out, out, out, out, out, out!

[Outside the dining room]

(Everyone scatters except the Doctor, Donna, Agatha and Greeves. The Doctor takes a sword from the panelled wall.)
DOCTOR: Not you, Agatha. You've got a long, long life to live yet.
DONNA: Well, we know the butler didn't do it.
DOCTOR: Then who did?

[Dining room]

(Actually, it looks like everyone else is still there. The Colonel is on the floor, wheelchair overturned.)
CLEMENCY: My jewellry. The Firestone, it's gone. Stolen.
DAVENPORT: Roger.
(Roger has his face in his soup bowl and a large knife in his back.)
CLEMENCY: My son. My child.

[Drawing room]

(The Doctor and Agatha are quiet. Donna enters.)
DONNA: That poor footman. Roger's dead and he can't even mourn him. 1926? It's more like the dark ages.
AGATHA: Did you enquire after the necklace?
DONNA: Lady Eddison bought it back from India. It's worth thousands.
DOCTOR: This thing can sting, it can fly. It could wipe us all out in seconds. Why is it playing this game?
AGATHA: Every murder is essentially the same. They are committed because somebody wants something.
DOCTOR: What does a Vespiform want?
AGATHA: Doctor, stop it. The murderer is as human as you or I.
DOCTOR: You're right. Ah, I've been so caught up with giant wasps that I've forgotten. You're the expert.
AGATHA: I'm not. I told you. I'm just a purveyor of nonsense.
DOCTOR: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Because plenty of people write detective stories, but yours are the best. And why? Why are you so good, Agatha Christie? Because you understand. You've lived, you've fought, you've had your heart broken. You know about people. Their passions, their hope, and despair, and anger. All of those tiny, huge things that can turn the most ordinary person into a killer. Just think, Agatha. If anyone can solve this, it's you.
(Later, everyone is gathered for the traditional denouement.)
DOCTOR: I've called you here on this Endless Night, because we have a murderer in our midst. And when it comes to detection, there's none finer. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, Agatha Christie.
AGATHA: This is A Crooked House. A house of secrets. To understand the solution, we must examine them all. Starting with you, Miss Redmond.
ROBINA: But I'm innocent, surely?
AGATHA: You've never met these people, and these people have never met you. I think the real Robina Redmond never left London. You're impersonating her.
ROBINA: How silly. What proof do you have?
AGATHA: You said you'd been to the toilet.
DONNA: Oh, I know this. If she was really posh, she'd say loo.
(Agatha picks up the locksmith's case.)
AGATHA: Earlier today, Miss Noble and I found this on the lawn, right beneath your bathroom window. You must have heard that Miss Noble was searching the bedrooms, so you panicked. You ran upstairs and disposed of the evidence.
ROBINA: I've never seen that thing before in my life.
CLEMENCY: What's inside it?
AGATHA: The tools of your trade, Miss Redmond. Or should I say, the Unicorn. You came to this house with one sole intention. To steal the Firestone.
ROBINA: (Cockney) Oh, all right then. It's a fair cop. Yes, I'm the bleeding Unicorn. Ever so nice to meet you, I don't think. I took my chance in the dark and nabbed it. Go on then, you knobs. Arrest me. Sling me in jail.
(She throws the necklace to the Doctor.)
DONNA: So, is she the murderer?
ROBINA: Don't be so thick. I might be a thief, but, well, I ain't no killer.
AGATHA: Quite. There are darker motives at work. And in examining this household, we come to you, Colonel.
CURBISHLEY: Damn it, woman. You with your perspicacity. You've rumbled me.
(The Colonel stands up.)
CLEMENCY: Hugh, you can walk. But why?
CURBISHLEY: My darling, how else could I be certain of keeping you by my side?
CLEMENCY: I don't understand.
CURBISHLEY: You're still a beautiful woman, Clemency. Sooner or later some chap will turn your head. I couldn't bear that. Staying in the chair was the only way I could be certain of keeping you. Confound it, Mrs Christie, how did you discover the truth?
AGATHA: Er, actually I had no idea. I was just going to say you're completely innocent.
CURBISHLEY: Oh. Oh.
AGATHA: Sorry.
CURBISHLEY: Well. Well, shall I sit down then?
AGATHA: I think you better had.
DONNA: So he's not the murderer.
AGATHA: Indeed, not. To find the truth, let's return to this. (The Firestone.) Far more than the Unicorn's object of desire. The Firestone has quite a history. Lady Eddison.
CLEMENCY: I've done nothing.
AGATHA: You brought it back from India, did you not? Before you met the Colonel. You came home with malaria, and confined yourself to this house for six months, in a room that has been kept locked ever since, which I rather think means
CLEMENCY: Stop, please.
AGATHA: I'm so sorry. But you had fallen pregnant in India. Unmarried and ashamed, you hurried back to England with your confidante, a young maid later to become housekeeper. Miss Chandrakala.
CURBISHLEY: Clemency, is this true?
CLEMENCY: My poor baby. I had to give him away. The shame of it.
CURBISHLEY: But you never said a word.
CLEMENCY: I had no choice. Imagine the scandal. The family name. I'm British. I carry on.
DOCTOR: And it was no ordinary pregnancy.
CLEMENCY: How can you know that?
DOCTOR: Excuse me Agatha, this is my territory. But when you heard that buzzing sound in the dining room, you said, it can't be. Why did you say that?
CLEMENCY: You'd never believe it.
AGATHA: The Doctor has opened my mind to believe many things.
CLEMENCY: It was forty years ago, in the heat of Delhi, late one night. I was alone, and that's when I saw it. A dazzling light in the sky. The next day, he came to the house. Christopher, the most handsome man I'd ever seen. Our love blazed like a wildfire. I held nothing back. And in return he showed me the incredible truth about himself. He'd made himself human, to learn about us. This was his true shape.
(A giant wasp.)
CLEMENCY: I loved him so much, it didn't matter. But he was stolen from me. 1885, the year of the great monsoon. The river Jumna rose up and broke its banks. He was Taken At The Flood. But Christopher left me a parting gift. A jewel like no other. I wore it always. Part of me never forgot. I kept it close, always.
ROBINA: Just like a man. Flashes his family jewels and you end up with a bun in the oven.
AGATHA: A poor little child. Forty years ago, Miss Chandrakala took that newborn babe to an orphanage. But Professor Peach worked it out. He found the birth certificate.
DONNA: Oh, that's maiden. Maiden name.
AGATHA: Precisely.
DONNA: So she killed him?
CLEMENCY: I did not.
AGATHA: Miss Chandrakala feared that the Professor had unearthed your secret. She was coming to warn you.
DONNA: So she killed her.
CLEMENCY: I did not.
AGATHA: Lady Eddison is innocent. Because at this point, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Thank you. At this point, when we consider the lies and the secrets, and the key to these events, then we have to consider it was you, Donna Noble.
DONNA: What? Who did I kill?
DOCTOR: No, but you said it all along. The vital clue. This whole thing is being acted out like a murder mystery, which means it was you, Agatha Christie.
AGATHA: I beg your pardon, sir?
DONNA: So she killed them?
DOCTOR: No. But she wrote. She wrote those brilliant, clever books. And who's her greatest admirer? The Moving Finger points at you, Lady Eddison.
CLEMENCY: Don't. Leave me alone.
DONNA: So she did kill them.
DOCTOR: No. But just think. Last Thursday night, what were you doing?
CLEMENCY: I was I was in the library. I was reading my favourite Agatha Christie, (The Murder of Roger Ackroyd) thinking about her plots, and how clever she must be. How is that relevant?
DOCTOR: Just think. What else happened on Thursday night?
GOLIGHTLY: I'm sorry?
DOCTOR: You said on the lawn, this afternoon. Last Thursday night, those boys broke into your church.
GOLIGHTLY: That's correct. They did. I discovered the two of them. Thieves in the night. I was most perturbed.
GOLIGHTLY [memory]: What the blazes are you doing, boys?
(The young thieves laugh at him.)
GOLIGHTLY: But I apprehended them.
DOCTOR: Really? A man of God against two strong lads? A man in his forties? Or, should I say forty years old, exactly?
CLEMENCY: Oh, my God.
DOCTOR: Lady Eddison, your child, how old would he be now?
CLEMENCY: Forty. He's forty.
DOCTOR: Your child has come home.
GOLIGHTLY: Oh, this is poppycock.
DOCTOR: Oh? You said you were taught by the Christian Fathers, meaning you were raised in an orphanage.
CLEMENCY: My son. Can it be?
DOCTOR: You found those thieves, Reverend, and you got angry. A proper, deep anger, for the first time in your life, and it broke the genetic lock. You changed.
GOLIGHTLY [memory]: Put thozz thingzz back where you found them. It'zzzz
(A purple glow and the thieves stop laughing.)
DOCTOR: You realised your inheritance. After all these years, you knew who you were. Oh, and then it all kicks off, because this isn't just a jewel. It's a Vespiform telepathic recorder. It's part of you, your brain, your very essence. And when you activated, so did the Firestone. It beamed your full identity directly into your mind. And, at the same time, it absorbed the works of Agatha Christie directly from Lady Eddison. It all became part of you. The mechanics of those novels formed a template in your brain. You've killed, in this pattern, because that's what you think the world is. It turns out, we are in the middle of a murder mystery. One of yours, Dame Agatha.
AGATHA: Dame?
DOCTOR: Oh. Sorry, not yet.
DONNA: So he killed them, yes? Definitely?
DOCTOR: Yes.
GOLIGHTLY: Well, this has certainly been a most entertaining evening. Really, you can't believe any of this surely, Lady Edizzon.
DOCTOR: Lady who?
GOLIGHTLY: Lady Edizzzzon.
DOCTOR: Little bit of buzzing there, Vicar.
GOLIGHTLY: Don't make me angry.
DOCTOR: Why? What happens then?
GOLIGHTLY: Damn it, you humanzz, worshipping your tribal sky godzz. I am so much more. That night, the universe exploded in my mind. I wanted to take what wazz mine. And you, Agatha Christie, with your railway station bookstall romancezz, what'z to stop me killing you?
CLEMENCY: Oh, my dear God. My child.
GOLIGHTLY: What'zz to stop me killing you all?
(The Reverend transforms into the wasp.)
CLEMENCY: Forgive me.
CURBISHLEY: No, no, Clemency, come back. Keep away. Keep away, my darling.
AGATHA: No. No more murder. If my imagination made you kill, then my imagination will find a way to stop you, foul creature.
(Agatha runs out of the room with the Firestone. The Doctor and Donna follow her.)

[Corridor]

DONNA: Wait, now it's chasing us.

[Driveway]

(The Doctor and Donna shut the main door. Agatha is driving the car and she hoots the horn. The wasp bursts out through the doors.)
AGATHA: Over here! Come and get me, Reverend.
DOCTOR: Agatha, what are you doing?
AGATHA: If I started this, Doctor, then I must stop it.
(Agatha drives off. The wasp hesitates then follows her.)
DOCTOR: Come on.
(The Doctor and Donna get into another car and give chase.)

[Cars]

AGATHA: It's all my fault, it's all my fault, it's all my fault.
DONNA: You said this is the night Agatha Christie loses her memory.
DOCTOR: Time is in flux, Donna. For all we know, this is the night Agatha Christie loses her life and history gets changed.
DONNA: But where's she going?
(Agatha passes a signpost for Silent Pool.)
DOCTOR: The lake. She's heading for the lake. What's she doing?

[By the lake]

AGATHA: Here I am, the honey in the trap. Come to me, Vespiform.
DONNA: She's controlling it.
DOCTOR: Its mind is based on her thought processes. They're linked.
AGATHA: Quite so, Doctor. If I die, then this creature might die with me.
DOCTOR: Don't hurt her. You're not meant to be like this. You've got the wrong template in your mind.
DONNA: It's not listening to you.
(Donna takes the Firestone from Agatha and throws it into the lake. The wasp follows it.)
DONNA: How do you kill a wasp? Drown it, just like his father.
DOCTOR: Donna, that thing couldn't help itself.
DONNA: Neither could I.
(The water is bubbling purple.)
AGATHA: Death comes as the end, and justice is served.
DOCTOR: Murder at the Vicar's rage. Needs a bit of work.
AGATHA: Just one mystery left, Doctor. Who exactly are you?
(Suddenly Agatha doubles over in pain.)
DOCTOR: Oh, it's the Firestone. It's part of the Vespiform's mind. It's dying and it's connected to Agatha.
(Agatha glows purple for a few moments.)
DOCTOR: He let her go. Right at the end, the Vespiform chose to save someone's life.
DONNA: Is she all right, though?
DOCTOR: Of course. The amnesia. Wiped her mind of everything that happened. The wasp, the murders.
DONNA: And us. She'll forget about us.
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we've solved another riddle. The mystery of Agatha Christie. And tomorrow morning, her car gets found by the side of a lake. A few days later, she turns up in hotel at Harrogate with no idea of what just happened.

[Outside the Harrogate Hotel]

(Agatha has been delivered there by Tardis.)
DOCTOR: No one'll ever know.
DONNA: Lady Eddison, the Colonel, and all the staff. What about them?
DOCTOR: Shameful story. They'd never talk of it. Too British. While the Unicorn does a bunk back to London town. She can never even say she was there.
DONNA: What happens to Agatha?
DOCTOR: Oh, great life. Met another man, married again. Saw the world. Wrote and wrote and wrote.
DONNA: She never thought her books were any good, though. And she must have spent all those years wondering.

[Tardis]

DOCTOR: The thing is, I don't think she ever quite forgot. Great mind like that, some of the details kept bleeding through. All the stuff her imagination could use. Like, Miss Marple.
DONNA: I should have made her sign a contract.
DOCTOR: And, where is it, where is it, hold on. Here we go.
(He pulls up a deck plate and gets out an old wooden chest.)
DOCTOR: C. That is C for Cybermen, C for Carrionites, (the green ball, a head of Caesar), and Christie, Agatha. Look at that.
(A 1957 paperback edition of Death in the Clouds with a wasp on the cover.)
DONNA: She did remember.
DOCTOR: Somewhere in the back of her mind, it all lingered. And that's not all. Look at the copyright page.
DONNA: Facsimile edition, published in the year five billion!
DOCTOR: People never stop reading them. She is the best selling novelist of all time.
DONNA: But she never knew.
DOCTOR: Well, no one knows how they're going to be remembered. All we can do is hope for the best. Maybe that's what kept her writing. Same thing keeps me travelling. Onwards?
DONNA: Onwards.

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