The Lodger

Original Airdate: 12 Jun, 2010

[Aickman Road]

(The Tardis materialises in a small park across the road from groups of terraced houses.)
DOCTOR: No, Amy, it's definitely not the fifth moon of Cindie Colesta. I think I can see a Ryman's.
(There is an explosion, throwing the Doctor to the ground, and the Tardis dematerialises.)
DOCTOR: Amy! Amy!

[Tardis]

(The Tardis is shaking, and there is a shower of sparks nearby.)
AMY: Doctor? It's saying we're on Earth. Essex, Colchester.
(The shaking stops.)
AMY: Doctor? It's taking off again. Doctor, can you hear me?

[Aickman Road]

DOCTOR: Amy! Amy.
(One day later, a young man is strolling past one of the terraces of houses when he hears a voice.)
MAN [OC]: Hello? Hello, please? Hello? I need your help. There's been an accident. Please, help me.
(The young man goes up to the door, which has a cat flap in it. The voice is coming from the intercom for the two flats, 79a and 79b. The door is electronically opened.)

[House]

(The upstairs lights are flickering.)
STEVEN: Hello?
MAN [OC]: Please, will you help me?
STEVEN: Help you? What's wrong?
(A figure is standing at the top of the stairs.)
MAN: Something terrible's happened. Please help me.
(Steven goes up the stairs and into the flat to the sound of spooky music. This door is exactly like the front door, complete with cat flap.)

[Flat]

(Downstairs, in 79b.)
SOPHIE: Craig, what's that on the ceiling?
CRAIG: What's what on the ceiling?
SOPHIE: That. It's coming from upstairs.
(A damp stain in the corner.)
SOPHIE: Who lives up there again?
CRAIG: Just some bloke.
(The stain spreads.)
CRAIG: So what's the plan tonight? Pizza, booze, telly?
SOPHIE: Yeah, pizza, booze, telly.
(Bang! upstairs.)
SOPHIE: What is he doing up there? You put the advert up yet?
CRAIG: Yeah, did it today, paper shop window. One furnished room available immediately, shared kitchen, bathroom, with twenty seven year old male, non-smoker, four hundred pound pcm, per calendar month, suit young professional.
SOPHIE: Mmm, sounds ideal. That's your mission in life, Craig. Find me a man.
CRAIG: Yeah, otherwise you'll have to settle for me.
SOPHIE: You'll have to settle for me first.
(Sophie answers her phone.)
SOPHIE: Oh, Melina again. What? Right. Yeah, but I've kind of got plans. No, it's nothing important, it's just Craig.
(Craig sees the stain spreading again.)
CRAIG: Oh, thanks, Soph.
SOPHIE: Sorry. You know what I mean. Okay, I'll talk to Craig. Okay. Now she's having a Dylan crisis on top of the Clare crisis. It could be another all-nighter. I'm sorry, but I really should go. Do you mind if I go?
CRAIG: No, not at all. No, honestly. Course not. Go.
SOPHIE: Because I could stay.
CRAIG: No, go on.
SOPHIE: I mean, we've got plans.
CRAIG: Just pizza.
SOPHIE: Yeah, it's just pizza. Okay, right, I'm going.
CRAIG: All right, then. Well, er, I'll see you soon.
SOPHIE: Yeah.
CRAIG: All right. And give me a call, and I hope everything's okay.
SOPHIE: Thanks, sorry.
(Sophie leaves the flat and hears noises from upstairs, then footsteps. She leaves the house.)
CRAIG: Just tell her. Just tell her. I love you. I love you. Oh, just. Hey, I don't know if you knew. Oh.
(The doorbell rings.)
CRAIG: Every time.
(Sophie has left her keys behind on a fluffy pink key ring, so he picks them up and goes to the front door.)
CRAIG: I love you. I love you.

[Front door]

CRAIG: I love you. I love you.
(He opens the door.)
CRAIG: I love you.
DOCTOR: Well, that's good, because I'm your new lodger. Do you know, this is going to be easier than I expected.
(The Doctor takes the fluffy pink keys from Craig. There is a Bluetooth device in his ear.)
CRAIG: But I only put the advert up today. I didn't put my address.
DOCTOR: Well, aren't you lucky I came along? More lucky than you know. Less of a young professional, more of an ancient amateur, but frankly I'm an absolute dream.
CRAIG: Hang on a minute, mate. I don't know if I want you staying. And give me back those keys. You can't have those.
DOCTOR: Yes, quite right. Have some rent.
(The Doctor hands Craig a paper take-away bag with lots of twenty pound notes in it.)
DOCTOR: That's probably quite a lot, isn't it? Looks like a lot. Is it a lot? I can never tell.
(They go into the hallway. The lights upstairs are flickering.)
DOCTOR: Don't spend it all on sweets, unless you like sweets. I like sweets. Ooo.
(The Doctor gives Craig a couple of air kisses about six inches from each cheek.)
DOCTOR: That's how we greet each other nowadays, isn't it? I'm the Doctor. Well, they call me the Doctor. I don't know why. I call me the Doctor, too. Still don't know why.
CRAIG: Craig Owens. The Doctor?
DOCTOR: Yep. Who lives upstairs?
CRAIG: Just some bloke.
DOCTOR: What's he look like?
CRAIG: Normal. He's very quiet.
(Crash.)
CRAIG: Usually. Sorry, who are you again? Hello?

[Flat]

CRAIG: Excuse me?
DOCTOR: Ah. I suppose that's dry rot?
CRAIG: Or damp. Or mildew.
DOCTOR: Or none of the above.
CRAIG: I'll get someone to fix it.
DOCTOR: No, I'll fix it. I'm good at fixing rot. Call me the Rotmeister. No, I'm the Doctor, don't call me the Rotmeister. This is the most beautiful parlour I have ever seen. You're obviously a man of impeccable taste. I can stay, Craig, can't I? Say I can.
CRAIG: You haven't even seen the room.
DOCTOR: The room?
CRAIG: Your room.
DOCTOR: My room? Oh, yes. My room. My room. Take me to my room.

[Doctor's room]

(Eighties decor.)
CRAIG: Yeah, this is Mark's old room. He owns the place. Moved out about a month ago. This uncle he'd never even heard of died and left a load of money in the will.
DOCTOR: How very convenient. This'll do just right. In fact.
(Another loud crash from above. The Doctor tests the air with a damp finger.)
DOCTOR: No time to lose. I'll take it. Ah you'll want to see my credentials. There.
(The psychic paper gets passed behind the Doctor's back and shown to Craig three times.)
DOCTOR: National Insurance number. NHS number. References.
CRAIG: Is that a reference from the Archbishop of Canterbury?
DOCTOR: I'm his special favourite. Are you hungry? I'm hungry.
CRAIG: I haven't got anything in.

[Flat]

DOCTOR: You've got everything I need for an omelette fines herbes, pour deux. So, who's the girl on the fridge?
(A photograph of Craig and Sophie, along with the Vincent van Gogh Self-portrait in Straw Hat postcard.)
CRAIG: My friend. Sophie.
DOCTOR: Girlfriend?
CRAIG: A friend who is a girl. There's nothing going on.
DOCTOR: Oh, that's completely normal. Works for me.
CRAIG: We met at work about a year ago, at the call centre.
DOCTOR: Oh really, a communications exchange? That could be handy.
CRAIG: Firm's going down though. The bosses are using a totally rubbish business model. I know what they should do. I got a plan all worked out. But I'm just a phone drone, I can't go running in saying I know best. Why am I telling you this? I don't even know you.
DOCTOR: Well, I've got one of those faces. People never stop blurting out their plans while I'm around.
CRAIG: Right. Where's your stuff?
DOCTOR: Oh, don't worry, it'll materialise. If all goes to plan.

[Tardis]

(The Tardis is struggling to stay solid.)
AMY: Come on, which one? Which one? No. Why won't you land?

[Flat]

(The omelettes have been demolished.)
CRAIG: Oh, that was incredible. That was absolutely brilliant. Where did you learn to cook?
DOCTOR: Paris, in the eighteenth century. No, hang on, that's not recent, is it? Seventeenth? No, no, no. Twentieth. Sorry, I'm not used to doing them in the right order.
CRAIG: Has anyone ever told you that you're a bit weird?
DOCTOR: They never really stop. Ever been to Paris, Craig?
CRAIG: Nah. I can't see the point of Paris. I'm not much of a traveller.
DOCTOR: I can tell from your sofa.
CRAIG: My sofa?
DOCTOR: You're starting to look like it.
CRAIG: Thanks, mate, that's lovely. No, I like it here. I'd miss it, I'd miss
DOCTOR: Those keys.
CRAIG: What?
DOCTOR: You're sort of fondling them.
CRAIG: I'm holding them.
DOCTOR: Right.
CRAIG: Anyway. These, these are your keys.
DOCTOR: I can stay?
CRAIG: Yeah, you're weird and you can cook. It's good enough for me. Right. Outdoor, front door, your door.
DOCTOR: My door. My place. My gaff. Ha ha! Yes. Me with a key.
CRAIG: And listen, Mark and I, we had an arrangement where if you ever need me out of your hair, just give me a shout, okay?
DOCTOR: Why would I want that?
CRAIG: In case you want to bring someone round. A girlfriend or, a boyfriend?
CRAIG: Oh, I will. I'll shout if that happens. Yes. Something like, I was not expecting this! By the way, that. The rot. I've got the strangest feeling we shouldn't touch it.

[Doctor's room]

DOCTOR: Earth to Pond, Earth to Pond.

[Tardis]

DOCTOR [OC]: Come in, Pond.
AMY: Doctor!
(Massive feedback through the earpiece.)
AMY: Sorry.
DOCTOR: Could you not wreck my new earpiece, Pond?

[Craig's room]

(Craig is on his phone and looking at the bank notes.)
CRAIG: No, I mean, he seems a laugh. He's a bit weird. Good weird, you know?
SOPHIE [OC]: And he just happens to have three grand on him in a paper bag?
CRAIG: Yeah.

[Sophie's room]

SOPHIE: Wait, wait. The Doctor?

[Craig's room]

SOPHIE [OC]: Craig, what if he's a dealer?

[Aickman Road]

(A woman is walking along after a late night at a club.)
MAN [OC]: Hello. Stop, please. Can you hear me? I need your help.

[Doctor's room]

DOCTOR: How's the Tardis coping?

[Tardis]

(Amy holds out the hand set.)
AMY: See for yourself.

[Doctor's room]

DOCTOR: Ooo, nasty. She's locked in a materialisation loop, trying to land again

[Tardis]

DOCTOR [OC]: But she can't.
AMY: Hmm. And whatever's stopping her is upstairs in that flat. So, go upstairs and sort it.

[Aickman Road]

MAN [OC]: Please. My little girl's hurt.
(The woman goes inside.)

[Doctor's room]

DOCTOR: I don't know what it is yet. Anything that can stop the Tardis from landing is big. Scary big.

[Tardis]

AMY: Wait. Are you scared?

[House]

(A seemingly younger man is standing at the top of the stairs.)
MAN [OC]: I'm so sorry, but will you help me? Please?
CLUBBER: Help you?
(She goes up the stairs.)

[Craig's room]

SOPHIE [OC]: A bow tie? Are you serious?
DOCTOR [OC]: Be fair. Could be even
CRAIG: Hang on a sec.

[Sophie's room]

SOPHIE: What? Craig.

[Craig's room]

SOPHIE [OC]: Craig?
(Craig has got out of bed to listen to the Doctor's voice coming through the wall.)
DOCTOR [OC]: Orange juice. Neocene Arbuckle. Rare tarantula on the table. Oh.

[Doctor's room]

DOCTOR: I can't go up there until I know what it is and how to deal with it. And it is vital that this man upstairs doesn't realise who and what I am. So no sonicking. No advanced technology. I can only use this because we're on scramble. To anyone else hearing this conversation, we're talking absolute gibberish.

[Craig's room]

DOCTOR [OC]: Practical eruption in chicken. Descartes Lombardy spiral.

[Doctor's room]

DOCTOR: Now all I've got to do is pass as an ordinary human being. Simple. What could possibly go wrong?
AMY [OC]: Have you seen you?
DOCTOR: So you're just going to be snide. No helpful hints?

[Tardis]

AMY: Hmm. Well, here's one. Bow tie, get rid.

[Doctor's room]

DOCTOR: Bow ties are cool. Come on, Amy, I'm a normal bloke. Tell me what normal blokes do.
AMY [OC]: They watch telly, they play football

[Tardis]

AMY: They go down the pub.

[Doctor's room]

DOCTOR: I could do those things. I don't, but I could.
(Bang upstairs.)
DOCTOR: Hang on. Wait, wait, wait. Amy?
(The Tardis is going crazy and the hands on the Doctor's alarm clock and wrist watch are going backwards and forwards very rapidly.)
DOCTOR: Interesting. Localised time loop.

[Tardis]

AMY: Ow. What's all that?

[Doctor's room]

DOCTOR: Time distortion. Whatever's happening upstairs is still affecting you.
(Lights are flashing in the upstairs flat. The woman is screaming.)

[Tardis]

AMY: It's stopped. Ish.

[Doctor's room]

AMY [OC]: How about your end?
DOCTOR: My end's good.
AMY [OC]: So

[Tardis]

AMY: Doesn't sound great, but nothing to worry about?

[Doctor's room]

DOCTOR: No, no, no, not really. Just keep the zigzag plotter on full.

[Tardis]

DOCTOR [OC]: That'll protect you.
AMY: Ow.

[Doctor's room]

DOCTOR: Amy, I said the zigzag plotter.

[Tardis]

AMY: I pulled the zigzag plotter.

[Doctor's room]

DOCTOR: What, you're standing with the door behind you?

[Tardis]

AMY: Yes.

[Doctor's room]

DOCTOR: Okay, take two steps to your right and pull it again.
(Still the same switch, mind you.)
DOCTOR: Now, I must not use the sonic. I've got work to do.

[Tardis]

DOCTOR [OC]: Need to pick up a few items.
AMY: Hey.

[Aickman Road]

(The Doctor returns to the terrace with a shopping trolley full of miscellanea. A cat protests.)
DOCTOR: Shush. Don't get comfortable.

[Corridor]

(Craig is waiting for the bathroom. The Doctor is singing to the tune of La Donna e mobile.)
DOCTOR [OC]: Ta ra ra boom de ay quanda rilo, something is happening.)
CRAIG: Doctor.
DOCTOR [OC]: Hello?
CRAIG: How long are you going to be in there?
DOCTOR [OC]: Oh, sorry. I like a good soak.
(Banging from upstairs.)
CRAIG: What the hell was that?

[Bathroom]

(The Doctor is in the shower.)
DOCTOR: What did you say?

[Corridor]

CRAIG: I'm just going to go upstairs. See if he's okay.

[Bathroom]

DOCTOR: Sorry?
(Craig goes up the stairs.)
DOCTOR: What did you say?

[Upstairs door]

(A grey haired figure opens the door on the chain.)
MAN: Yes? Hello?

[Bathroom]

DOCTOR: Craig?
(The Doctor gets out of the shower, slips and falls.)
DOCTOR: Ow.

[Upstairs door]

CRAIG: It's me from downstairs. I heard a big bang.

[Bathroom]

DOCTOR: No choice. It's sonicking time.
(The Doctor grabs an electric toothbrush.)

[Upstairs door]

MAN: Thank you, Craig, but I don't need your help.

[House]

(The Doctor, with a towel around his waist, meets Craig at the foot of the stairs. He points the toothbrush at the upstairs door and makes it go whirr.)
DOCTOR: What happened, what's going on?
CRAIG: Is that my toothbrush?
DOCTOR: Correct. You spoke to the man upstairs?
CRAIG: Yeah.
DOCTOR: What did he look like?
CRAIG: More normal than you do at the moment, mate. What are you doing?
DOCTOR: I thought you might be in trouble.
CRAIG: Thanks. Well, if I ever am, you can come and save me with my toothbrush.
(Craig's phone rings inside the flat, so he goes to answer it. The Doctor starts up the stairs as Sophie comes in the front door.)
SOPHIE: Oh! Hello.
DOCTOR: Ah! Hello. The Doctor.
SOPHIE: Right.
DOCTOR: You must be Sophie.
(Air kisses for a greeting again.)
SOPHIE: Oh. Oh.

[Flat]

CRAIG: No, Dom's in Malta. There's nobody around. Hang on a sec. We've got a match today, pub league. We're one down if you fancy it?
DOCTOR: Pub league. A drinking competition?
CRAIG: No, football. Play football.
DOCTOR: Football. Football. Yes, blokes play football. I'm good at football, I think.
CRAIG: You've saved my life. I've got somebody. Yeah, all right, I'll see you down there. Hey, Soph.
SOPHIE: Hey, I thought I'd come early and meet your new flat mate.
DOCTOR: Do you play, Sophie?
CRAIG: No, Soph just stands on the sidelines. She's my mascot.
SOPHIE: I'm your mascot? Mascot?
CRAIG; Well, yeah, not my mascot. It's a football match. I can't take a date.
SOPHIE: I didn't say I was your date.
CRAIG: Neither did I.
DOCTOR: Better get dressed.
CRAIG: The spare kit's just in the bottom drawer.
DOCTOR: Bit of a mess.
(The Doctor goes into his room and shuts the door.)
CRAIG: What do you think?
SOPHIE: You didn't say he was gorgeous.
(The Doctor puts his head out of his room.)
CRAIG: You unlocked the door. How did you do that? Those are your keys. You must have left them last time you came here.
SOPHIE: Yeah, but I. How do you know these are my keys?
CRAIG: I've been holding them.
SOPHIE: I have got another set.
DOCTOR: You've got two sets of keys to someone else's house?
SOPHIE: Yeah?
DOCTOR: I see. You must like it here too.

[Doctor's room]

(Putting on the number 11 shirt back to front.)
DOCTOR: So, I'm going out. If I hang about the house all the time, him upstairs might get suspicious and notice me.

[Tardis]

AMY: Football. Okay, well done. That is normal.
DOCTOR [OC]: Yeah, football. All outdoorsy.

[Doctor's room]

DOCTOR: Now, football's the one with the sticks, isn't it?

[Park]

CRAIG: What are you actually called? What's your proper name?
DOCTOR: Just call me the Doctor.
SOPHIE: Yeah.
CRAIG: I can't go up to these guys and say hey, this is my new flat mate, he's called the Doctor.
DOCTOR: Why not?
CRAIG: Because it's weird.
(They get to the pitch.) 
SEAN: All right, Craig. Soph. All right, mate.
DOCTOR: Hello, I'm Craig's new flat mate. I'm called the Doctor.
(Air kisses not well received.)
SEAN: All right, Doctor. I'm Sean. So, where are you strongest?
DOCTOR: Arms.
CRAIG: No, he means what position on the field.
DOCTOR: Not sure. The front? The side? Below.
SEAN: Are you any good though?
DOCTOR: Let's find out.
(The game is underway.)
WOMAN: Yeah, we're going to win.
(The Doctor is very nimble, dodging other players whilst dribbling the ball.)
SOPHIE: That's not bad. Yes! Go!
CRAIG: One two. One two.
(But he doesn't pass to Craig.)
SOPHIE: Go on, Doctor! Go on, Doctor!
(Goal!)
SOPHIE: Doctor! Doctor! You're brilliant. You're amazing.
PLAYER: Come on, Craig. Catch up, mate.
SOPHIE: Come on, Craig. Show them what you've got.
(Craig is about to take the kick when the Doctor steals it from him and scores again to general rejoicing.)
DOCTOR: Oh yes, I love this game.
SPECTATORS: Doctor! Doctor! Doctor! Doctor!
(More goals and Craig gets more annoyed.)

[Aickman Road]

(A woman is passing by when she hears a girl's voice coming from the intercom.)
GIRL [OC]: Please can you help me? Can you help me, please? Can you help me?
SANDRA: Hello?
(The door unlocks and she goes inside.)

[House]

(A little girl is standing at the top of the stairs, holding a doll.)
GIRL: I've lost my mum and I don't know where she is. Please can you help me?
SANDRA: Help you? You poor thing. What's happened?
GIRL: Can you help me find her?
(Sandra goes up the stairs.)

[Park]

SEAN: You are so on the team. Next week we've got the Crown and Anchor. We're going to annihilate them.
DOCTOR: Annihilate? No. No violence, do you understand me? Not while I'm around. Not today, not ever. I'm the Doctor, the Oncoming Storm, and you basically meant beat them in a football match, didn't you?
SEAN: Yeah.
DOCTOR: Lovely. What sort of time?
(Craig opens a can of drink and gets sprayed with the foam. Then it repeats again and again. Only the Doctor is unaffected. He runs.)
DOCTOR: Amy?

[Tardis]

DOCTOR [OC]: Amy?
AMY: It's happening again. Worse.

[Park]

DOCTOR: What does the scanner say?

[Tardis]

AMY: A lot of nines. Is it good that they're nines? Tell me it's good that they're all nines.

[Park]

DOCTOR: Yes, yes, it's, it's good. Zigzag plotter. Zigzag plotter, Amy.
(She fiddles with the lever. There is a bang and Amy is thrown to the floor. She screams.)

[Park]

DOCTOR: Amy? Are you there?

[Tardis]

DOCTOR [OC]: Amy?
AMY: Yes. Hello.

[Park]

DOCTOR: Oh, thank heavens. I thought for a moment the Tardis had been flung off into the vortex

[Tardis]

DOCTOR [OC]: With you inside it, lost forever.
AMY: What, you mean that could actually happen?

[Park]

AMY [OC]: You have got to get me out of here.
DOCTOR: How are the numbers?

[Tardis]

AMY: All fives.

[Park]

(The time loop has stopped.)
DOCTOR: Fives? Even better.

[Tardis]

DOCTOR [OC]: Still, it means the effect's almost unbelievably powerful and dangerous, but don't worry.

[Park]

DOCTOR: Hang on, okay?

[Tardis]

AMY: Hey.
DOCTOR [OC]: I've got some rewiring to do.
AMY: Hang on.

[Flat]

(Craig knocks on the Doctor's door. He answers holding a traffic cone.)
DOCTOR: Hello, flat mate.
CRAIG: Hey, man. Er, listen. Er, Sophie's coming round tonight and I was wondering if you could give us some space?
DOCTOR: Oh, don't mind me. You won't even know I'm here.
(Bang upstairs.)
DOCTOR: That's the idea.
(He shuts the door.)
DOCTOR [OC]: Yes, perfect! What a beauty.
(Meanwhile, in the kitchen diner with the stain on the ceiling.)
SOPHIE: That's got bigger.
CRAIG: Oh, yeah.
SOPHIE: Are we going out?
CRAIG: I've had a bit of a weird day. Can we do pizza booze telly?
SOPHIE: Great, love it. Wait. No Melina, no crises, no interruptions.
(Sophie turns off her mobile phone.)
CRAIG: Great. Excellent. Er, Soph. I've, I think.
SOPHIE: Where's this going?
CRAIG: I think that we should
SOPHIE: Mmm?
(The Doctor pops up behind the sofa.)
DOCTOR: Hello.
CRAIG: What?
DOCTOR: Whoops. Sorry. Don't worry, I wasn't listening. In a world of my own down there.
CRAIG: I thought you were going out?
DOCTOR: Just re-connecting all the electrics. It's a real mess. Where's the on switch for this?
(A normal screwdriver.)
CRAIG: He really is just on his way out.
SOPHIE: No, I don't mind. I mean, if you don't mind.
CRAIG: I don't mind. Why would I mind?
SOPHIE: Then stay. Have a drink with us.
DOCTOR: What? Do I have to stay now?
CRAIG: Do you want to stay?
DOCTOR: I don't mind.
SOPHIE: Okay.
CRAIG: Great.
(A little later, the Doctor is still working on the wiring loom around his neck.)
SOPHIE: Because life can seem pointless, you know, Doctor. Work, weekend, work, weekend. And there's six billion people on the planet doing pretty much the same.
DOCTOR: Six billion people. Watching you two at work, I'm starting to wonder where they all come from.
SOPHIE: Huh? What do you mean by that?
DOCTOR: So then, the call centre. That's no good, then. What do you really want to do?
SOPHIE: Don't laugh. I only ever told Craig about it. I want to work looking after animals. Maybe abroad? I saw this orangutan sanctuary on telly.
DOCTOR: What's stopping you?
CRAIG: She can't. You need loads of qualifications.
SOPHIE: Yeah, true. Plus it's scary. Everyone I know lives round here. Like, Craig got offered a job in London. Better money. He didn't take it.
CRAIG: What's wrong with staying here? I can't see the point of London.
DOCTOR: Well, perhaps that's you, then. Perhaps you'll just have to stay here, secure and a little bit miserable, till the day you drop. Better than trying and failing, eh?
SOPHIE: You think I'd fail?
DOCTOR: Everybody's got dreams, Sophie. Very few are going to achieve them, so why pretend?
(The Doctor tries the wine and lets it pour back into the glass from his mouth.)
DOCTOR: Perhaps, in the whole wide universe, a call centre about is where you should be.
SOPHIE: Why are you saying that? That's horrible.
DOCTOR: Is it true?
SOPHIE: Of course it's not true. I'm not staying in a call centre all my life. I can do anything I want.
(The Doctor smiles.)
SOPHIE: Oh, yeah. Right. Oh, my God. Did you see what he just did?
CRAIG: No, sorry, what's happening? Are you going to live with monkeys now?
DOCTOR: It's a big old world, Sophie. Work out what's really keeping you here, eh?
SOPHIE: I don't know. I don't know.

[House]

(Sophie is leaving.)
CRAIG: So, are you going to be taking off then? Seeing the world?
SOPHIE: What, do you think I should?
CRAIG: Yeah. Like the Doctor says, what's, what's keeping you here?
SOPHIE: Yeah, exactly. What. Bye.
CRAIG: See you.
(They hug.)
CRAIG: See you in a bit.
SOPHIE: Yeah.

[Doctor's room]

(The Doctor has build a serious mega-gizmo. It includes a bicycle wheel, an umbrella, a rotary clothes line, a lamp shade and the bicycle's pedals, with a rake, a broom and an oar as outriggers and the traffic cone on top.)
DOCTOR: Right. Shield's up. Let's scan.
(He sets it spinning.)
AMY [OC]: What are you getting?
DOCTOR: Upstairs.

[Tardis]

DOCTOR [OC]: No traces of high technology. Totally

[Doctor's room]

DOCTOR: Normal? No, no, no, no, no, it can't be. It's too normal.

[Tardis]

AMY: Only for you could too normal be a problem. You said I could be lost forever. Just go upstairs.

[Doctor's room]

DOCTOR: Without knowing and get myself killed? Then you really are lost. If I could just get a look in there. Hold on. Use the data bank. Get me the plans of this building. I want to know its history, the layout, everything.

[Tardis]

DOCTOR [OC: ]Meanwhile, I shall recruit a spy.

[Flat]

(Craig is starting to tidy up when he decided to examine the stain more closely.)
CRAIG: Rotmeister.
(He touches the stain and there is a hissing sound.)
CRAIG: Ow! Ow.

[Corridor]

(Next morning, the Doctor is carrying a tray.)
DOCTOR: Craig? Craig? Breakfast. It's normal. Craig?

[Craig's room]

DOCTOR: Craig. Craig, Craig, Craig. I told you not to touch it. Look, what's that?
(There is a green line up the inside of Craig's forearm.)
DOCTOR: It's an unfamiliar and obviously poisonous substance. Oh, I know what'd be really clever, I'll stick my hand in it. Come on, Craig, breathe.
(The Doctor hits Craig's chest. Craig gasps.)
DOCTOR: Come on, Craig, breathe. Thems are healthy footballer's lungs.

[Flat]

(The Doctor runs back to the kitchenette and stuffs as many teabags as possible into the commemorative Royal Wedding teapot.)
DOCTOR: Right, reverse the enzyme decay. Excite the tannin molecules.

[Craig's room]

(And pours the super-strong tea straight into Craig's mouth.)
CRAIG: I've got to go to work.
DOCTOR: On no account. You need rest. One more.
CRAIG: It's the planning meeting. It's important.
DOCTOR: You're important. You're going to be fine, Craig.
(The Doctor leaves him at 7.15. Craig reawakens at 14.45.
CRAIG: What? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Call centre]

MICHAEL: Oh, afternoon.
CRAIG: I'm so sorry, Michael. I don't know what happened. I've got no excuse.
DOCTOR: I think that's not what my screen is telling me, Mister Lang.
CRAIG: What's he doing here? What are you doing here?
DOCTOR: If that's your attitude, Mister Lang, please take your custom elsewhere.
CRAIG: No, no, no, that's one of my best clients.
DOCTOR: Hello, Craig. How are you feeling? Had some time to kill. I was curious. Never worked in an office. Never worked in anywhere.
(A straining ladle is twitching on the desk.)
CRAIG: You're insane.
MICHAEL: Leave off the Doctor. I love the Doctor. He was brilliant in the planning meeting.
CRAIG: You went to the planning meeting?
DOCTOR: Yes. I was your representative. We don't need Mister Lang any more. Rude Mister Lang.
SOPHIE: Here you go, and I found some custard creams.
DOCTOR: Sophie, my hero.
SOPHIE: Hi, Craig. I went on the web, applied for a wildlife charity thing. They said I could always start as a volunteer straight away. Should I do it?
CRAIG: Yeah, great. Yeah, good. Go for it.
DOCTOR: You look awful. About turn. Bed. Now. Who next? Oh, yes. Hello, Mister Joergensen. Can you hold? I have to eat a biscuit.

[Doctor's room]

(The mega-gizmo is still spinning.)
CRAIG: What the hell?

[House]

(A cat is coming down the stairs.)
DOCTOR: Have you been upstairs? Yes?

[Flat]

(Craig is throwing darts when he hears the Doctor's voice.)
DOCTOR [OC]: You can do it. Show me what's up there? What's behind that door? Try to show me. Oh, but that doesn't make sense. Ever see anyone go up there? Lots of people? Good, good. What kind of people?

[House]

(The cat meows.)
DOCTOR: People who never came back down. Oh, that's bad. That's very bad.
(Craig opens the door.)
DOCTOR: Oh, hello.
CRAIG: I can't take this any more. I want you to go.

[Flat]

CRAIG: You can have this back and all.
(The money.)
DOCTOR: What have I done?
CRAIG: For a start, talking to a cat.
DOCTOR: Lots of people talk to cats.
CRAIG: And everybody loves you, and you're better at football than me, and my job, and now Sophie's all oh, monkeys, monkeys, and then there's that.

[Doctor's room]

DOCTOR: It's art. A statement on modern society, Ooo, ain't modern society awful.
CRAIG: Me and you, it's not going to work out. You've only been here three days. These have been the three weirdest days of my life.
DOCTOR: Your days will get a lot weirder if I go.
CRAIG: It was good weirdness. It's not, it's bad weird. I can't do this any more.
DOCTOR: Craig, I can't leave this place. I'm like you, I can't see the point of anywhere else. Madrid? Ha, what a dump. I have to stay.
CRAIG: No, you don't. You have to leave.
DOCTOR: I can't go.
CRAIG: Just get out!
DOCTOR: Right. Only way. I'm going to show you something, but shush. Really, shush. Oh, I am going to regret this. Okay, right. First, general background.
(The Doctor head butts Craig.)
CRAIG: Argh.
(There is a very rapid montage.)
CRAIG: Oh.
DOCTOR: Ow.
CRAIG: You're a
DOCTOR: Yes.
CRAIG: From
DOCTOR: Shush.
CRAIG: You've got a Tardis.
DOCTOR: Yes. Shush. Eleventh. Right. Okay, specific detail.
(Another Glasgow kiss.)
BOTH: Argh.
DOCTOR [memory]: Amy! Amy!
CRAIG: You saw my ad in the paper shop window.
DOCTOR: Yes, with this right above it. Which is odd, because Amy hasn't written it yet.
(A note saying Doctor - this one no 79a Aickman Road Amy xx)
DOCTOR: Time travel. It can happen.
CRAIG: That's a scanner. You used non-technological technology of Lammasteen!
DOCTOR: Shut up!

[House]

(Sophie enters. The little girl with the doll is at the top of the stairs.)
GIRL: Please can you help me?
SOPHIE: Hi.
GIRL: Please, will you help me?
SOPHIE: What's the matter, my love? Help you?
(Sophie goes up the stairs.)

[Doctor's room]

CRAIG: Argh.
DOCTOR: I am never, never doing that ever, ever again.
(He activates his Bluetooth.)
DOCTOR: Amy.
CRAIG: That's Amy Pond.
DOCTOR: Oh, of course, you can understand us now. Hurrah. Got those plans yet?

[Tardis]

AMY: Still searching for them.
DOCTOR [OC]: I've worked it out, with psychic help from a cat.
AMY: A cat?

[Doctor's room]

DOCTOR: Yes. I know he's got a time engine in the flat upstairs.

[Tardis]

DOCTOR [OC]: He's using innocent people to try and launch it.

[Doctor's room]

DOCTOR: Whenever he does, they get burnt up, hence the stain on your ceiling.
CRAIG: From the ceiling.
DOCTOR: Well done, Craig.

[Tardis]

DOCTOR [OC]: And you, Miss Pond, nearly get thrown off into the Vortex.
AMY: Lovely.

[Doctor's room]

(Crash!)
CRAIG: People are dying up there? People are dying. People are dying. People are dying.
(Another time loop.)
DOCTOR: Amy.
CRAIG: They're being killed.
DOCTOR: Someone's up there.

[House]

AMY [OC]: Doctor?
DOCTOR: Hang on. Craig, come on. Someone's dying up there.
(They see Sophie's pink key ring in the door.)
CRAIG: Sophie. It's Sophie that's dying up there! It's Sophie!

[Tardis]

AMY: Doctor! Argh!

[Upstairs door]

CRAIG: Where's Sophie?
DOCTOR; Wait, wait.

[Tardis]

DOCTOR [OC]: Amy?
AMY: Are you upstairs?

[Upstairs door]

DOCTOR: Just going in.
AMY [OC]: But you can't be upstairs.
DOCTOR: Of course I can be upstairs.

[Tardis]

AMY: No, I've got the plans. You cannot be upstairs, it's a one-storey building.

[Upstairs door]

AMY [OC]: There is no upstairs.

[Timeship]

CRAIG: What? What?
DOCTOR: Oh. Oh, of course. The time engine isn't in the flat, the time engine is the flat. Someone's attempt to build a Tardis.
CRAIG: No, there's always been an upstairs.
(The door they have just come through flickers on and off.)
DOCTOR: Has there? Think about it.
CRAIG: Yes. No. I don't
DOCTOR: Perception filter. It's more than a disguise. It tricks your memory.
(Scream.)
CRAIG: Sophie! Sophie! Oh, my God, Sophie!
(Sophie is being pulled towards the central console by electricity.)
SOPHIE: Craig.
DOCTOR: It's controlling her. It's willing her to touch the activator.
CRAIG: That's not going to have her.
(Sophie's hand is pulled onto a dome shaped control. The Doctor uses his sonic screwdriver.)
DOCTOR: Ah, deadlock seal.
CRAIG: You've got to do something.
(Sophie falls back.)
DOCTOR: What? Why's it let her go? So, okay.
(A man suddenly appears.)
AUTOPILOT: You will help me.
DOCTOR: Right. Stop. Crashed ship, let's see. Hello, I'm Captain Troy Handsome of International Rescue. Please state the nature of your emergency.
AUTOPILOT: The ship has crashed. The crew are dead. A pilot is required.
DOCTOR: You're the emergency crash program. A hologram. What, you've been luring people up here so you can try them out?
(The hologram flickers between old man, young man and girl.)
AUTOPILOT: You will help me. You will help me. You will help me.
SOPHIE: Craig, what is this? Where am I?
DOCTOR: Hush. Human brains aren't strong enough, they just burn. But you're stupid, though. You just keep trying.
AUTOPILOT: Seventeen people have been tried. Six billion four hundred thousand and twenty six remain.
SOPHIE: Seriously, what is going on?
DOCTOR: Oh, for goodness sake. The top floor of Craig's building is in reality an alien space ship intent on slaughtering the population of this planet. Any questions? No, good.
SOPHIE: Yes, I have questions.
AUTOPILOT: The correct pilot has now been found.
DOCTOR: Yes, I was a bit worried that you were going to say that.

[Tardis]

AMY: He means you, Doctor, doesn't he?

[Timeship]

(The Autopilot uses its energy to drag the Doctor towards the console.)
AUTOPILOT: The correct pilot has been found. The correct pilot has been found. The correct pilot has been found.

[Tardis]

AMY: What's happening?

[Timeship]

DOCTOR: It's pulling me in. I'm the new pilot.
AMY [OC]: Could you do it?

[Tardis]

AMY: Could you fly the ship safely?

[Timeship]

DOCTOR: No, I'm way too much for this ship. My hand touches that panel, the planet doesn't blow up, the whole solar system does.
AUTOPILOT: The correct pilot has been found.
DOCTOR: No. Worst choice ever, I promise you. Stop this.
AMY [OC]: Doctor?

[Tardis]

AMY: It's getting worse.

[Timeship]

DOCTOR: It doesn't want everyone. Craig, it didn't want you.
CRAIG: I spoke to him and he said I couldn't help him.
DOCTOR: It didn't want Sophie before but now it does. What's changed? Argh. No. No, I gave her the idea of leaving. It's a machine that needs to leave. It wants people who want to escape. And you don't want to leave, Craig. You're Mister Sofa Man.

[Tardis]

AMY: Doctor!

[Timeship]

DOCTOR: Craig, you can shut down the engine. Put your hand on the panel and concentrate on why you want to stay.
SOPHIE: Craig, no.
CRAIG: Will it work?
DOCTOR: Yes.
CRAIG: Are you sure?
DOCTOR: Yes.
CRAIG: Is that a lie?
DOCTOR: Of course it's a lie.
CRAIG: It's good enough for me. Geronimo! Argh!
(Craig puts his hand on the nearest control panel. The Doctor is released.)
SOPHIE: Craig!

[Tardis]

AMY: Doctor!

[Timeship]

(Smoke is coming off Craig's hand.)
DOCTOR: Craig, what's keeping you here? Think about everything that makes you want to stay here. Why don't you want to leave?
CRAIG: Sophie. I don't want to leave Sophie. I can't leave Sophie. I love Sophie.
SOPHIE: I love you, too, Craig, you idiot.
(Sophie puts her hand on Craig's.)

[Tardis]

AMY: Doctor!

[Timeship]

CRAIG: Honestly, do you mean that?
SOPHIE: Of course I mean it. Do you mean it?
CRAIG: I've always meant it. Seriously though, do you mean it?
SOPHIE: Yes.

[Tardis]

AMY: Ugh.
CRAIG [OC]: What about the monkeys?

[Timeship]

DOCTOR: Oh, not now, not again. Craig, the planet's about to burn. For God's sake, kiss the girl.

[Tardis]

AMY: Kiss the girl!

[Timeship]

(Craig and Sophie kiss, and his hand is released from the panel. The Tardis stops shaking.) 
AMY [OC]: Doctor?

[Tardis]

AMY: You've done it. Ha ha!

[Timeship]

AMY [OC]: You've done it. Oh, now the screen's just zeros. Now it's minus ones, minus twos, minus threes.

[Tardis]

AMY: Big yes.
AUTOPILOT: Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me.
DOCTOR: Big no.
AUTOPILOT: Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me.
(Craig and Sophie come up for air.)
CRAIG: Did we switch it off?
DOCTOR: Emergency shutdown. It's imploding. Everybody out, out, out!
AUTOPILOT: Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me Help me. Help me. Help me.

[Tardis]

AMY: Doctor?

[Aickman Road]

AUTOPILOT [OC]: Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me.
(The Doctor, Craig and Sophie run down the stairs and outside. The top floor and roof turn into the Timeship which then flies away, leaving a totally incongruous one story building at the end of an entirely two storey terrace. A man walks by carrying a child.)
CRAIG: Look at them. Didn't they see that? The whole top floor just vanished.
DOCTOR: Perception filter. There never was a top floor.

[Flat]

(Craig and Sophie are snogging on the sofa.)
CRAIG: So have we spoiled our friendship, then?
SOPHIE: Totally ruined it.
CRAIG: And what about the monkeys? We could save them together, you know. Do whatever we want. I could see the point of Paris if you were there with me.
SOPHIE: First, let's destroy our friendship completely.
(The Doctor enters from his room, and turns his back discreetly before leaving the keys on the sideboard.)
CRAIG: Oi.
SOPHIE: What, you're trying to sneak off?
DOCTOR: Yes, well, you were sort of busy.
CRAIG: I want you to keep these.
(The keys.)
DOCTOR: Thank you. Because I might pop back soon, have another little stay.
CRAIG: No, you won't. I've been in your head, remember. I still want you to keep them.
DOCTOR: Thank you, Craig.
CRAIG: Thank you, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Sophie. Now then. Six billion four hundred thousand and twenty six people in the world. That's the number to beat.
SOPHIE: Yeah.
(The Doctor leaves. Behind the refrigerator with the photograph of the Doctor in his football kit is a crack in the wall.

[Tardis]

DOCTOR: Back in time. You need to go to the paper shop and leave that note for me.
AMY: Right little matchmaker, aren't you? Can't you find me a fellow?
DOCTOR: Oh, rectifier's playing up again Hold on. You write the note and I'll change that will.
AMY: You got a pen?
DOCTOR: Make sure it's a red pen.
(Amy goes through the Doctor's jacket pockets and finds the ring box. She opens it, and remembers a crack in her wall.)

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