Original Airdate: 27 Sep 2014
| [Alien planet]
(With wickedly sharp rocky outcrops sticking sideways out of the desert ground. The Doctor and Clara are chained to ornately carved pillars as twin suns beat down.)
CLARA: There's no way out of this. We're going to die here.
DOCTOR: Pass me the vibro-cutters.
CLARA: They're in my pocket.
DOCTOR: Come on then, pass them to me.
CLARA: In my other jacket. At home.
DOCTOR: Why have you got two jackets? Is one of them faulty?
CLARA: Look, I don't have the vibro-cutters. If I had the vibro-cutters, I wouldn't be able to pass you the vibro-cutters. We're going to starve to death out here.
DOCTOR: Of course we won't starve. The sand piranhas will get us long before that.
(Clara enters and goes to Danny's table.)
CLARA: Hiya. Sorry I'm late.
DANNY: You're not. You're brown. You're very brown. You weren't that brown this morning.
CLARA: Sunbed. I'll get 'em in. Usual?
(Clara is about to go out when the Doctor pops his head out of the Tardis.)
DOCTOR: Fish people.
CLARA: What are they like?
DOCTOR: Fish. And people. Come and see.
CLARA: How's you?
DANNY: Evening. Nice frock. It's a bit wet.
CLARA: Freak shower.
DANNY: Is that seaweed?
CLARA: I said freak.
(Running as lasers are shot at them.)
CLARA: How much further?
DOCTOR: Tardis has got to be round this corner. I hate soldiers. Don't you hate soldiers?
DOCTOR: Just keep running!
(She opens the front door to see -)
CLARA: Oh, yeah. Danny. Hiya.
DANNY: Morning. Ready to run?
CLARA: Mmm hmm.
(Clara is out of breath and completely drenched in sweat.)
CLARA: I can't keep doing this. I can't do it. Yes, I can, I can do it, of course I can do it. I've got it all under control.
(Clara enters from her living room.)
CLARA: So, where we off to?
DOCTOR: Clara, you, you look lovely today. Have you had a wash?
CLARA: Why are you being nice?
DOCTOR: Because it works on you. Listen, I'm sorry but there's going to be no trip today. I'm sorry. Er, I've got to do a thing. It might take a while.
CLARA: What thing?
(He keeps the scanner with the flashing red light out of her view.)
DOCTOR: Just a thing.
CLARA: You're being mysterious, and do you know what means?
DOCTOR: I'm a man of mystery.
CLARA: Hmm. It means that you are a very clever man making the mistake, common to very clever people, of assuming that everybody else is stupid. Where are you going?
(She grabs the scanner and he switches it to the view of the galaxy.)
DOCTOR: Undercover. Deep cover.
CLARA: Can you do deep cover?
DOCTOR: What do you mean?
CLARA: Have you seen you?
DOCTOR: Of course I can do deep cover.
CLARA: (giggling) Where, the Magic Circle?
(The Doctor snaps his fingers, and the Tardis doors open.)
DOCTOR: I'll see you when I see you.
(Clara snaps her fingers, and they close again.)
CLARA: When's that?
DOCTOR: When I see you.
CLARA: Hmm. Hmm. I'll be sure to have a wash.
DOCTOR: Excellent. I was meaning to bring it up.
(Clara leaves, shutting the doors then opening them again and pointing meaningfully at her eye before finally leaving. The Doctor calls up the glowing area on the map which is on the scanner - East London.)
(The boys are playing football where they shouldn't as the teachers arrive.)
TEACHER: You lot! Not here. Over there.
COURTNEY: Morning, Mister Pink.
DANNY: Morning, Courtney. And good morning, Miss Oswald.
CLARA: Morning, Mister Pink.
(The group of girls by the entrance giggle.)
CLARA: Do they know?
DANNY: Possibly. They're children. It's like they've got minds of their own. Are you okay?
CLARA: Yeah, course I'm okay. Why wouldn't I be okay?
DANNY: I dunno. Every time I see you, it's like you're
DANNY: In a rush. In a state. In a space helmet, one time.
CLARA: Sorry. Er, I've had a thing and, er, the thing's gone, so I'm all yours.
DANNY: What thing? What's gone?
DANNY: It's like you're trying to be mysterious. I'm not stupid, you know.
CLARA: The next few days are all about you. I promise.
(Clara moves in closer, but pupils giggle at the end of the corridor, so she walks away.)
ARMITAGE: Which means, Jo, you'll have to cover for 8/4M in L3. Hold on, there is just one more thing. Atif's off sick, so we've got a newbie, I did ask him to come along.
(Knocking on the door.)
ARMITAGE: Ah, here he is.
(A tall figure in a brown coverall and holding a broom enters.)
DOCTOR: I'm the new caretaker. John Smith.
DANNY: Welcome to Coal Hill, Mister Smith.
DOCTOR: Thanks. Yes, John Smith's the name. But, you know, here's a thing. Most people just call me the Doctor.
(He winks at Clara.)
DOCTOR: So, if anybody needs me, just, you know, give me a shout. I'll be in the storeroom just getting the lie of the land.
(The staff leave the room.)
DOCTOR: Yes, no body's taking any notice at all. Absolutely good news because it means I must be coming across just as an absolutely boring human being like you.
(Clara mouths What are you doing here? He shuts the door on her.)
DOCTOR: Deep cover. Deep cover.
DANNY: Do you know him?
CLARA: Know who?
DANNY: The caretaker, Smith. The Doctor.
CLARA: Never seen him before in my life.
DANNY: Bit intense looking. Did you see those eyebrows? Did he wink at you?
CLARA: No, I think that was just a sort of general wink, you know? He winked at everybody. It was a general welcoming wink. Ah, I have, er, left some marking. Assembly. Chop-chop. Off you pop. Catch you in a bit. Excuse me.
(The Doctor is looking at a plan of the school buildings. He crumples it into his pocket when Clara enters.)
DOCTOR: So, you recognised me, then.
CLARA: You're wearing a different coat.
DOCTOR: But you saw straight through that.
CLARA: Deep cover in my school? Why? Where's Atif, what have you done with him?
(The Doctor wards her off with his broom.)
DOCTOR: He's fine. Hypnotised. He thinks he's got the 'flu. Also a flying car and three wives. It's going to be a rude awakening.
CLARA: Is it aliens? Oh, my God, is that why you're here? Are there aliens?
DOCTOR: It's assembly. You'd better get going. Go and worship something.
CLARA: Are there aliens in this school?
DOCTOR: Listen, it's lovely talking to you, but I've really got to get on. I'm a caretaker now. Look, I've got a brush.
CLARA: Doctor, is there an alien in this school?
DOCTOR: Yes, me. Now, go. The walls need sponging and there's a sinister puddle.
CLARA: You can't do this. You cannot pass yourself off as a real person among actual people.
DOCTOR: I lived among otters once for a month. Well, I sulked. River and I, we had this big fight
CLARA: Human beings are not otters!
DOCTOR: Exactly. It'll be even easier.
CLARA: Okay. One question. And you will answer this question. Are the kids safe?
DOCTOR: No. Nobody is safe. But soon the answer will be yes, everybody is safe, if you let me get on. Now, pretend you don't know me. Stay out of my way. The less you know, the better. I'll explain it all later. Go and sing with the otters.
CLARA: I hate you.
DOCTOR: That's fine. That's a perfectly normal reaction.
(Two schoolboys are playing a video game by a large wrought iron gate.)
NOAH: Basically, you've to get that guy on the block and stop that other one shooting him. It's so sick.
YASHE: I, I got that guy. That was, like, six months ago. You actually have to do is flick it that way.
NOAH: Nah, but I'm saying
(A Community Support Officer approaches them.)
MATTHEW: You Coal Hill kids?
NOAH: Yeah? So what if we are?
MATTHEW: Then get to Coal Hill.
YASHE: We've got a free period, mate.
MATTHEW: You want me to take your names?
YASHE: Come on. This is unfair, mate.
(Something rattles on the other side of the gate.)
MATTHEW: Always come in threes. Oi! I know you're in there.
(He goes through the creaky gate and pries a piece of corrugated iron off the main door to the old building.)
MATTHEW: Hello? I'm a police officer. There's no point hiding. Do you hear me? Come on, kiddo.
BLITZER: Five stop intruder. Five stop intruder.
MATTHEW: Turn your game off. It's time for school. Come on. Stop messing about!
(Something with bright blue eyes is watching Matthew with yellow and purple vision. A mechanical device trundles into the light from Matthew's torch.)
BLITZER: Problem solution destroy.
(Matthew screams as the bullets rip through him. We see a smoking severed hand land on the floor. No wonder this story was scheduled for later than usual.)
(Clara's bored class are reading Pride and Prejudice out loud.)
KELVIN: Though unheard by Lydia, was caught by Elizabeth, and as it assured her that Darcy was not
(The Doctor climbs a ladder to the open window at the back of the classroom. Clara gets up from behind her desk.)
KELVIN: You all right, Miss Oswald?
CLARA: Yes, Kelvin, I'm fine. You carry on.
KELVIN: Every feeling of displeasure against the former was so sharpened
(They are on the second floor. Clara stands on a chair to talk to the Doctor.)
CLARA: Can I help you, Mister Smith?
CLARA: I'm sorry?
DOCTOR: On the board. Wrong. Wrong.
(The famous Jane Austen quote 1797 It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.)
CLARA: Oh, no, no, no, no. You don't do this. You are the caretaker, this is not what you do.
DOCTOR: Just taking care.
CLARA: Not your area!
DOCTOR: Jane Austen wrote Pride and Prejudice in 1796.
(Clara clears her throat then addresses the class.)
CLARA: This is Mister Smith, the temporary caretaker, and he's a bit confused.
DOCTOR: Not in 1797, because she didn't have the time. She was so busy doing all
CLARA: Oh, What? I suppose she was your bezzie mate, was she? And you went on holidays together and then you got kidnapped by Boggons from space and then you all formed a band and met Buddy Holly.
DOCTOR: No, I read the book. There's a bio at the back.
(The children giggle.)
CLARA: Get down.
(The school bell rings.)
CLARA: Right, that's it. Well done, Kelvin. Get going. See you all in a couple of days. Thanks very much.
KELVIN: Miss, what about our homework?
CLARA: Who asks for homework? Amateur.
(The Doctor is working on a junction cabinet in the courtyard garden and chatting with Danny and another male teacher, who has floppy hair and wears a bow tie. Clara is stopped by a tall schoolboy.)
TOBIAS: Miss Oswald
CLARA: Hello, Tobias, can't really stop.
TOBIAS: I'm in the football team against Durrants on Thursday. Sorry, but can I go early from English Thursday afternoon?
CLARA: Tobias, you can do whatever you want.
(And then the Headmaster.)
ARMITAGE: Ah, Clara, can I grab a quick word?
CLARA: Actually, I, er yes.
ARMITAGE: Two weeks Saturday, the fete, can I put you down for tombola and the raffle? James H can't cover it now. His wife's going into hospital. Hip replacement. Constant agony. CLARA: Great. No, awful. That's terrible. Awful. I hope she'll be okay. Er, I'll do anything. Anything. Okay, bye.
COURTNEY: Miss Oswald, Katie Sharps says I pulled her hair in Biology.
CLARA: Courtney, you are big enough to look after yourself. Next class, jog on, I need to talk to Mister Pink.
COURTNEY: Ozzie loves the Squaddie.
CLARA: What was that?
ADRIAN: Of course, Danny Pink here is your man, Mister Smith. Five years' military experience, sergeant, here and Afghan, so electrics, boilers, if you need a hand, give him a shout.
(Clara takes a watering can from a girl and uses it as an excuse to overhear the conversation.)
DANNY: I, I've helped Atif with a couple of things.
DOCTOR: I'm sure I won't need you, Sergeant. Fully qualified. (sparks) You best get back to your PE class.
DANNY: Oh, I teach maths.
DOCTOR: Do you? What, in emergencies?
DANNY: No. I'm a maths teacher.
ADRIAN: Yeah, he's a maths teacher
ADRIAN: Mohammed, put that down!
DOCTOR: How does that work? What if the kids have questions?
DANNY: About what?
DANNY: I answer them. I'm a maths teacher.
DOCTOR: But he said you were a soldier.
DANNY: Yeah. I was a soldier, now I'm a maths teacher.
DOCTOR: But what about all the PE?
DANNY: I don't teach PE. I'm not a PE teacher.
DOCTOR: Sorry, that seems very unlikely.
CLARA: Er, excuse me. Mister Pink, I think class 9M4 are waiting.
DOCTOR: Yes, you better run along, Sergeant. That ball isn't going to kick itself, is it?
DANNY: I, I'm not a PE teacher, I'm a maths teacher.
DOCTOR: Nope, sorry. No, I can't retain that. I've tried. It's just not going in.
CLARA: So, Pink? The name remind you of anything?
DOCTOR: Yeah. The colour.
CLARA: Colonel Orson Pink? The guy we met at the end of the universe.
DOCTOR: Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah. Same name, doesn't look anything like him though.
CLARA: Looks very like him.
DOCTOR: Does he? I don't know. Who remembers a PE teacher?
(The Doctor places a gizmo with three green lights in the the cabinet he was working in, then locks it up.)
CLARA: Oh, never mind. What are you doing? What, what's in there?
DOCTOR: So, is he here then?
CLARA: Is who here?
DOCTOR: The one that you keep going on serious dates with.
CLARA: If he is, are you going to start talking like a normal human being?
DOCTOR: I promise I won't. I'm being nice.
ADRIAN: Clara. Got this period free, yes?
CLARA: No. Yes.
ADRIAN: Great. Shakespeare.
CLARA: Sorry, what, Adrian?
DOCTOR: Oh, I see.
CLARA: You see what?
DOCTOR: Nothing. Nothing at all.
ADRIAN: Excuse me. We have to talk about The Tempest.
ADRIAN: In light of the changes to the sixth form Shakespeare module, blah-de-blah.
CLARA: Yes, sorry, of course.
(They turn and look at the Doctor, who is following them.)
DOCTOR: Yes, yes, no, of course, of course, yes. Don't mind this old man. You two kids just pop off together.
CLARA: Why are you talking like an idiot?
DOCTOR: I'm a caretaker. Don't mind me.
ADRIAN: What we have to get across, I feel, is that fascinating enigma of its not-finishedness.
CLARA: Mmm, yes, good point, Ade.
DOCTOR: (sotto) Oh, Clara.
(The Doctor carries on taking care around the school, putting his green light gizmos on the lights in the corridors. He sees a piece of graffiti on a window - Ozzie loves the Squaddie.)
DOCTOR: What does that mean? Kids. What's the matter with kids today?
(He wipes it off.)
(Another gizmo goes inside a drain grating. Part of the playground has a large chessboard painted on it, with corresponding sized pieces.)
BOY [OC]: Shoot! Yes!
(A black rook is knocked over by a football.)
CLARA: Hey, I said you could play chess, I did not say you could play football on the chessboard. Jack, Morgan, come on, help me out, clear it up.
(The Doctor whistles We Don't Need No Education, from Pink Floyd's The Wall.)
[Outside the Caretaker's storeroom]
DOCTOR: And one for luck.
(A gizmo goes into the hanging basket by the door.)
(Where the Tardis is parked.)
DOCTOR: Okay. Now we're in business. Let's see the lie of the land. Time to see what's going on.
(He goes into the Tardis, and a green light floods out of it. Courtney enters the storeroom.)
COURTNEY: Hello? Oi. What are you doing? Are you in there?
DOCTOR [OC]: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the most dangerous of them all?
(The green light goes out.)
COURTNEY: There's been a spillage in Geography, I need some paper towels.
(Doctor comes out of the Tardis.)
DOCTOR: Can't you read?
COURTNEY: Course I can read. Read what?
DOCTOR: The door. It says, Keep Out.
COURTNEY: No, it says, Go Away Humans.
DOCTOR: Oh, so it does. Never lose your temper in the middle of a door sign.
COURTNEY: What was you doing in there? What's that box?
DOCTOR: The caretaker's box. Every caretaker has their own box.
COURTNEY: It says Police.
DOCTOR: Exactly, there's a policeman in there, in case of emergencies and children. Towels, there, g-g-go.
COURTNEY: What was that green glow? There was a green glow coming from in there. What was it?
DOCTOR: Of course there was. What's a policeman without a death ray?
DOCTOR: Oh, listen, there's the bell. Off you go. Haven't you got shoplifting to go to?
COURTNEY: I'm going to tell the Headmaster.
DOCTOR: Oh, yes, fine. Well, cut along, you're running out of time.
COURTNEY: For what?
DOCTOR: Everything. Human beings have incredibly short life spans. Frankly, you should all be in a permanent state of panic. Tick tock, tick tock.
COURTNEY: You're weird.
DOCTOR: Yes, I am. What about you?
COURTNEY: I'm a disruptive influence.
DOCTOR: Good to meet you.
COURTNEY: And you.
(They shake hands.)
DOCTOR: Now get lost.
(Courtney leaves as Clara enters.)
COURTNEY: Hello, miss. Love to the Squaddie.
CLARA: Sorry, what did you say? What was she doing in here?
DOCTOR: Paper towels. Now, I imagine you have many questions. Fire away. I won't answer any of them.
CLARA: What were they like?
DOCTOR: What were who like?
CLARA: The others before me. Did they let you get away with this kind of thing? This school is in danger.
DOCTOR: Well, it's lucky I'm here, then.
CLARA: From you.
CLARA: You wouldn't be here if there wasn't an alien threat nearby. Your strategy for dealing with it involves endangering this school.
DOCTOR: You don't know that.
CLARA: I don't know anything because you haven't told me anything, which means I wouldn't approve, which means you are endangering this school.
(The Doctor activates his sonic screwdriver and reveals a green glowing globe.)
CLARA: What's that?
DOCTOR: It's a scanner. I'm scanning. Why do I keep you around?
CLARA: Because the alternative would be developing a conscience of your own. Scanning for what?
DOCTOR: Any alien technology in this vicinity should show up. I used to have a teacher exactly like you once.
CLARA: You still do. Pay attention.
(The scanner displays a four legged machine which looks a wheelchair with an alien sitting in it. If you have seen Falling Skies, think skitter.)
CLARA: What the hell is it?
DOCTOR: A Skovox Blitzer. One of the deadliest killing machines ever created. Probably homed in here because of artron emissions. You've had enough of them in this area over the years. There's enough explosive in its armoury to take out the whole planet.
(For those who don't know, time travellers absorb artron energy as they go through the Time Vortex, and it might be a Tardis power source - see Four to Doomsday. The Doctor's granddaughter went to Coal Hill school, and his first companions were teachers there.)
CLARA: Then leave it alone.
DOCTOR: Sooner or later it will creep from its hidey-hole and some military idiot will try to attack it.
(He turns off the image.)
DOCTOR: The world is full of PE teachers.
CLARA: So, your insanely dangerous plan is?
(The Doctor holds up a digital wrist watch with an expanding metal bracelet.)
CLARA: A new watch. Tiny bit disappointed.
DOCTOR: This is a very special watch.
(The Doctor puts it on, presses a button and vanishes.)
CLARA: Doctor? Oi! Ow! Did you just flick my nose? You're invisible. Ha, ha! Oh, my God, that's incredible.
DOCTOR [OC]: Correct. I am invisible and I am incredible. It's simply a matter of reversing light waves. Hang on, I'm coming back.
CLARA: All right, where are you?
(The Doctor reappears.)
DOCTOR: So, I give the Blitzer a tiny whiff of non-threatening alien tech, I lead it back here, but I don't want it to scan me, hence invisible.
CLARA: So you're, you're leading the thing here? To a school? My, my school?
DOCTOR: My school? Oh, that is telling. This is the only suitably empty place in the area. I've set up a circle of time mines around the school. Chronodyne generators. Bit unstable.
(He throws one of his little gizmos to Clara.)
DOCTOR: I switch them on, the Blitzer gets sucked into a big old time vortex, billions of years into the future. It's dead easy. Tiny bit boring. I'll need a book and a sandwich.
CLARA: And me. You're not doing this alone.
(She gives him the gizmo back.)
DOCTOR: I don't need you this time. I'll see you tomorrow. We'll go somewhere nice. Ancient Egypt. Crocodilopolis. They worship a big crocodile there, so the name is a useful coincidence. Go and canoodle with your boyfriend. Come on. I wasn't born yesterday. Far from it.
CLARA: You did recognise him.
DOCTOR: Possibly reminded me of a certain dashing young time traveller.
CLARA: Oh, of course you recognised him. I. Sorry. Stupid. I, I underestimated you.
DOCTOR: It's easily done. There's a lot to estimate.
CLARA: And you, you like him?
DOCTOR: Yes, I like him very, very much. Go home and canoodle. Doctor's orders. Come on.
CLARA: Just this once, I'm doing what I'm told.
DOCTOR: Oh, sing hosanna.
CLARA: Ah. So easy.
DANNY: Miss Oswald.
CLARA: Ah, Mister, Mister Pink.
DANNY: Are you still on for tonight? Cos you had your I'm about to cancel frown on.
CLARA: There's a specific frown?
DANNY: And I was going to say, it's okay, I might have a thing, so .
CLARA: A thing?
DANNY: Er, tomorrow instead?
CLARA: Tomorrow's parents' evening.
DANNY: Not all evening.
CLARA: No. Not all evening.
(The Doctor comes out of his storeroom.)
DANNY: What do you think of him?
CLARA: Er, who? The caretaker?
DANNY: Where did he come from? What was he before? He doesn't seem like a caretaker.
CLARA: Well, he speaks very highly of you.
DANNY: Anyway. Good night, Miss Oswald.
CLARA: Good night, Mister Pink.
(Night. The Doctor comes out of the main doors and turns on his screwdriver.)
DOCTOR: And we're off.
(As the Doctor goes in search of the Blitzer, Danny finds a little gizmo blinking green underneath a fire alarm, and pulls it off. Its lights turn red.)
DOCTOR: Home, sweet home.
CLARA: Canoodling cancelled, if you need a hand. Doctor? You invisible? I am so going to confiscate that watch.
(The Doctor is invisible now.)
DOCTOR [OC]: Where are you, my sleeping beauty?
(The Blitzer activates. It cannot see its target.)
DOCTOR [OC]: Gotcha. Let's dance!
[Outside the Caretaker's storeroom]
CLARA: Doctor? Where are you?
(She walks away, Danny arrives and knocks on the storeroom door.)
(He spots another gizmo, this time blinking red, in the hanging basket, and takes it.)
(The Skovox Blitzer is following the invisible Doctor's infrared footprints.)
BLITZER: Nine stop query rescan. Target reacquired success success.
DOCTOR [OC]: Come on, come on, come on.
(The doors burst open.)
DOCTOR [OC]: Gangway! Not far now. Come on.
BLITZER: Nine stop parsing data pursue.
DOCTOR [OC]: Bingo.
BLITZER: Target reacquired.
(It trundles off as Danny enters.)
(The Doctor turns off the invisibility watch and sees that the gizmos on the circle of chairs are not flashing green.)
DOCTOR: What? Red? Red. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
(The Blitzer enters.)
BLITZER: Range one point four nine scan complete problem problem.
DOCTOR: Listen. I'm unarmed. I'm peaceful. Don't you understand? I, I know that you shouldn't be on this planet but I can help you with that. I
BLITZER: Problem solution destroy.
DANNY: I want a word with you.
DOCTOR: Get back!
(The Blitzer turns on Danny.)
BLITZER: Problem solution destroy.
(The Blitzer starts shooting, Danny ducks and throws himself to the floor. dropping the chronodyne gizmo. It slides into the circle of chairs and turns green. Then he picks up a chair to attack the Blitzer.)
DANNY: No! Get away from me!
(The Doctor uses his screwdriver. The chair is sucked into a vortex that he creates. The Blitzer is also sucked towards it, as is Danny.)
BLITZER: Temporal disrupt. Warning warning. Temporal failure.
(Clara enters and runs to grab Danny.)
CLARA: No! No, no, no, no! Doctor, stop! Doctor!
BLITZER: Warning system failure. Abort. Abort.
(The Blitzer goes into the golden vortex, and the Doctor turns it off. Then he spots the gizmo that Danny dropped and picks it up.)
DOCTOR: (sarcastic) Oh, oh, well done, PE, brilliant work. What's this? A chronodyne generator? I'll just deactivate that, shall I? I've got a swimming certificate so that qualifies me to meddle with higher technology. Never mind that some people are actually trying to save the planet. Oh, no. There's only room in my head for cross-country and the offside rule.
CLARA: Danny, what are you doing here?
DANNY: I was checking up on him. He's been up to something, fiddling with the electric, but what the? No. What? Did you see that thing? Tell me you saw that thing.
CLARA: I saw the thing, yeah. Doctor, are we safe? Is the planet safe? It's gone?
DOCTOR: Yes, yes, yes, yes, for the moment. But the thing is, you see, the chronodyne generators have to be precisely aligned to generate the vortex. But the sergeant here, he went and moved one.
CLARA: But the chronodyne worked. It's gone.
(The Doctor measures with his screwdriver while Danny looks at a burning hole in the middle of a load of stacked chairs in the far corner.)
DOCTOR: But not far enough. The vortex will open here again, but not in a billion years.
CLARA: Then when?
DOCTOR: Er, seventy four hours. Three days? Three days to think of something new because now it knows what to expect. Now it has scanned me and it will kill me on sight, thanks to PE here.
DANNY: Clara, why are you talking to him like that? Why are you using words like chronodyne? Was that thing a space thing? Oh. Oh, my God, you're from space. You're a spacewoman. You said you were from Blackpool.
(The Doctor is writing in a notebook.)
CLARA: It's a play! For the summer fete.
DOCTOR: It's a what?
CLARA: Yes, it's a play. Shut up, it is a play. We are rehearsing a play. Shh, shh, shh, shh. A surprise play. And, er, you see, the vortex thing is, is a lighting effect. Very clever. And that thing is, is one of the kids. In fancy dress. Really, really good fancy dress.
DANNY: How stupid do you think I am?
DOCTOR: I'm willing to put a number on it.
DANNY: I'm not a moron, Clara. And he's not the caretaker. He's your dad. Your space dad.
DOCTOR: Oh, genius. That is, that is really, really brilliant reasoning. How can you think that I'm her dad when we both look exactly the same age?
CLARA: We do not look the same age.
DOCTOR: I was being kind. Right, I'm going to hypnotise him. I'm going to erase his memory.
CLARA: Doctor, stop!
DOCTOR: Tiny little brain, only take a moment.
CLARA: He's my boyfriend.
DOCTOR: Well, I'll try not to erase the whole thing. I'll leave the bits that.
CLARA: He's my boyfriend. I thought you'd figured this out.
CLARA: Yes, him.
DOCTOR: No, he's not.
CLARA: Yes, he is.
DANNY: Yes, I am.
DOCTOR: But he's a PE teacher. You wouldn't go out with a PE teacher. It's a mistake. You've made a boyfriend error.
DANNY: I am not a PE teacher. I am a maths teacher.
DOCTOR: You're a soldier. Why would you go out with a soldier? Why not get a dog or a big plant?
CLARA: Because I love him!
DOCTOR: Why would you say that? Is this part of the surprise play?
CLARA: (sigh) There is no surprise play.
DOCTOR: Oh, it's a roller coaster with you tonight, isn't it? What about the handsome one, the one with the bow tie?
CLARA: Who? Adrian? No, no, no. He's just a friend and not my type.
DANNY: Clara, are you going to explain any of this? Who is this guy?
CLARA: The Doctor is
DOCTOR: Go on.
DANNY: Yes, explain. Who is he? Why have you never mentioned him?
CLARA: Because he's an alien.
DANNY: Er, are you an alien?
CLARA: No, no, no, I'm still from Blackpool. Me and the Doctor, we travel through time and space.
DOCTOR: Exhibit A.
(The Doctor pulls the curtains back on the stage.)
CLARA: It's called a Tardis, but it's disguised as an old police phone box.
(She gets on stage and the Doctor feeds her the next line.)
DOCTOR: (sotto) It's bigger on the inside.
CLARA: And it's bigger on the inside than the outside.
(The Doctor opens the Tardis doors.)
CLARA: And we travel the universe in it.
(Danny leans in and looks around, then at the outside, and the inside again.)
DANNY: And what about that thing? Did you bring that here?
DOCTOR: No. I'm going to protect you from that thing.
DANNY: You said it was coming back.
DOCTOR: Yes, it is coming back, thanks to you.
DANNY: This is a school. We have to evacuate, call the Army.
DOCTOR: And that is the most dangerous thing right there.
(The Doctor closes the Tardis doors.)
DOCTOR: Are you sure hypnotising's not on the menu?
DANNY: But we need to get help. This is an emergency.
DOCTOR: Look, take him away. Shut him up, shut him down. Up or down, it doesn't matter to me. I've got a lot of work to do. Again.
CLARA: Will you be okay?
DOCTOR: Why wouldn't I be okay? I was fine till you two blundered in.
DANNY: Am I just being ignored?
(Clara has to help the bewildered Danny down the stairs from the stage.)
CLARA: Come on, Danny. It's all right, it's. Come on, it's all fine. You'll be okay. Let's er, get those legs moving. That's it, down those stairs. Yep, that's it. This can all be explained and everything will be fine.
DOCTOR: And when this is all over, you can finish the job.
CLARA: How do you mean?
DOCTOR: Well, you've explained me to him. You haven't explained him to me.
CLARA: What do you think? Say something.
DANNY: So, there's an alien, that used to look like Adrian. Then he turned into a Scottish caretaker and every now and then, when I'm not looking, you elope with him.
CLARA: I don't elope.
DANNY: Do you love him?
DANNY: Really had enough of the lies.
CLARA: Not in that way.
DANNY: What other way is there?
CLARA: You know what I mean.
DANNY: I don't know what you mean. I know what you tell me, which isn't always the truth.
DANNY: Why do you do it? Why do you fly off in the box with him? The truth. Please, just this once.
CLARA: Because it's amazing. Because I see wonders.
CLARA: What are you thinking?
DANNY: That's a good question. It's funny, you only really know what someone thinks of you when you know what lies they've told you. I mean, you say you've seen wonders, you've seen amazing things, and you kept them secret from me. So what do you think of me, Clara?
CLARA: Please, tell me how I fix this.
DANNY: I just want to know who you are.
CLARA: You know who I am.
DANNY: When you're with him. When you're with the Doctor.
[Outside the Caretaker's storeroom]
(Clara comes out with the invisibility watch.)
CLARA: (sotto) Okay, I think we've just got time before parents' evening.
DANNY: An invisibility watch? Not even a ring.
(Danny puts it on.)
CLARA: Press the button on the side, you're invisible. You'll see me with the Doctor, the other me. The exactly the same other me. Okay?
(The Doctor is building a contraption.)
DOCTOR: Afternoon. Thanks for keeping out of my way. You haven't brought Dave with you, I hope.
CLARA: His name's Danny. And no, I haven't. I've er, I explained it all to him. He gets it. He took it really well.
DOCTOR: Pass me that synestic.
CLARA: So, when the Blitzer comes back, are you going to catch him with that?
DOCTOR: It'll be a long, fiddly job. It's going to take me at least twenty four hours. Even longer if people keep talking to me, so do keep going.
CLARA: If it comes back Thursday night, are you sure about that? Cos you said the chronodyne is unstable.
DOCTOR: If you want bother someone, go and bother PE.
CLARA: He's a maths teacher.
DOCTOR: That's a shame, I like maths.
CLARA: Not a soldier.
CLARA: What is?
DOCTOR: I'm bored. Let's go somewhere fun. What do you say? Do you want to see the Thames frozen over? Oh, those frost fairs.
(The Doctor goes around the console, setting controls. Clara follows, returning them to neutral.)
CLARA: But you can't. The Skovox thing.
DOCTOR: It's a time machine. We can get back straightaway, like we always do on your dates. Just make sure you don't get yourself a tan or anything, or lose a limb.
CLARA: I don't think we should, not this time.
DOCTOR: You've never said no before. Not even in the middle of dinner. Remember when you had to eat two meals in a row?
CLARA: I just think, with the school in danger
(Danny turns off the watch.)
CLARA: Danny, why are you?
DANNY: He already knows I'm here. That's why he's talking like that. He's being clever.
DOCTOR: Now you mention it, being a Time Lord, I can feel a light shield aura when it's right next to me.
DANNY: Oh ho, ho. Time Lord? Might have known.
DOCTOR: Might have known what?
DANNY: Well, the accent's good, but you can always spot the aristocracy. It's in the, the attitude.
DANNY: Now, Time Lords, do you salute those?
DOCTOR: Definitely not.
DANNY: Ah. Sir!
DOCTOR: And you do not call me sir.
DANNY: As you wish, sir. Absolutely, sir.
DOCTOR: And you can get out of my Tardis!
DANNY: Immediately, sir.
CLARA: Doctor, this is stupid, this is unfair.
DANNY: One thing, Clara. I'm a soldier, guilty as charged. You see him? He's an officer.
DOCTOR: I am not an officer!
DANNY: I'm the one who carries you out of the fire. He's the one who lights it.
DOCTOR: Out. Now.
DANNY: Right away, sir. Straight now?
DANNY: Am I dismissed?
DOCTOR: Yes, you are!
DANNY: That's him. Look at him, right now. That's who he is.
DOCTOR: On balance, I think that went quite well.
CLARA: Danny, it's not time to go home yet. It's parents' evening.
DOCTOR: Humans. I never learn.
COURTNEY: What's in the box? It's not really a policeman, is it?
DOCTOR: You want to know what's in that box? I'll tell you what's in that box. It's a time machine. It also travels in space. And it usually contains a man who just wants to get on with his work of preventing the end of the world, but keeps being interrupted by boring little humans.
COURTNEY: Cool. So, that's really a spaceship?
(The Doctor pulls Courtney back from the Tardis by her collar.)
DOCTOR: I'm serious. I'm trying to save this planet.
COURTNEY: End of the world for me tonight, whatever you do. Parents' evening.
DOCTOR: Is your name really Disruptive Influence?
COURTNEY: Courtney Woods. Can I go in space?
DOCTOR: I'll let you know. I may have a vacancy. But not right now.
(He hustles Courtney out.)
DOCTOR: Two days. I can do it.
(The teachers are laying out their tables.)
ARMITAGE: Right, are we quorate? Time to admit the hordes. And look who's at the front of the queue.
ADRIAN: Who are they?
CLARA: Courtney Woods' mum and dad.
ADRIAN: Can someone else do them first?
DANNY: No problem, Ade. I can cope with anything tonight.
ARMITAGE: Oh, happy days.
(He opens the doors and lets the parents in. Meanwhile, in the School Theatre, a golden vortex appears and a chair is thrown out.)
(The Doctor carrying his tool box when the scanner beeps.)
DOCTOR: No, no, no. No! No, no, no, no, no!
(He grabs his ghostbusters backpack and runs out.)
DANNY: I would say yes, I'm afraid Courtney is a disruptive influence.
MR WOODS: Yeah, but last year you said she was a very disruptive influence.
MRS WOODS: So, I suppose that counts as an improvement.
(Danny spots the Doctor at the doors, and does a loud Ahem! Clara looks up and sees the Doctor gesturing to them.)
DANNY: Excuse me, I think the caretaker wants me.
CLARA: Sorry, Mrs Christodolou, I think er, I think the caretaker wants me too.
MRS CHRISTOPHOLOU: But what about my Angelina?
CLARA: Yeah, she's great, yeah, a really great girl, A plus, ten out of ten, top of the class. Sorry. Although, actually, handwriting could be better.
(Danny and Clara run out.)
ARMITAGE: I'm sure they'll be back in a moment.
MRS WOODS: Looks like our Courtney was right about those two.
CLARA: What's happening?
DOCTOR: Clara, the vortex is opening.
DANNY: You said Thursday night. Right, hall, quick.
DOCTOR: PE, shut up. Clara, it'll scan the area. If it gets to parents' evening, it'll kill them all.
DANNY: We've got to evacuate.
DOCTOR: Shut up!
CLARA: Quickly. What do I do?
DOCTOR: It'll be here any second. Get to the hall.
(He gives her the sonic screwdriver.)
DOCTOR: Give it some squirts of helicon energy, setting number forty one. No more than three seconds each, random pulses. Distract it, then you lead it away from the hall, give me two minutes.
CLARA: Then what?
DOCTOR: Just run straight to the Tardis.
DANNY: But your gadget isn't ready yet. Twenty four hours, you said.
DOCTOR: Yes, well, I've revised that down to two minutes. Probably. Clara, go.
CLARA: On my way.
DANNY: You're using her like a decoy?
DOCTOR: No, not like a decoy. As a decoy. Don't they teach you anything at stupid school?
DANNY: Well, is there anything I can do?
DOCTOR: Yes. Yes, and this is very, very important. Leave us alone!
(Clara looks into see the Blitzer in the vortex.)
BLITZER: Disrupt temporal lock. Disengaged scan.
CLARA: Here we go.
(She waves the sonic screwdriver.)
BLITZER: Incoming stop identified Helicon Helicon commence retargeting.
(It chases Clara.)
(Danny sees Clara run past the top of the corridor.)
BLITZER [OC]: Target acquired. Destroy.
(Then it trundles past.)
(Clara squirts more Helicon.)
BLITZER: Target within range.
(She runs into the Caretaker's storeroom)
BLITZER: Problem solution destroy.
(It destroys the door.)
BLITZER: Destroy. Destroy.
CLARA: Doctor, now! It's got to be now!
DOCTOR: Twenty seconds.
BLITZER: Destroy. Destroy.
(Clara dodges the weapons fire and helps the Doctor on with the backpack.)
DOCTOR: Am I green? Am I green?
CLARA: You're green!
(The Doctor uses a commentator's microphone to talk to the Blitzer via the backpack. You know, the ones with the bar that the speaker rests against their upper lip to keep it at the correct distance whilst close enough not to pick up surrounding sound.)
DOCTOR: Stop! Skovox Blitzer!
BLITZER: Awaiting orders.
DOCTOR: Superior Skovox Artificer. Analyse stop analyse stop.
BLITZER: Superior recognised. Pattern one one oh, Orders orders.
CLARA: Why's it listening to you?
DOCTOR: Listening to its superior. This is a rough copy. It thinks I'm its general. Initiate input. Commence shutdown protocol. No conflict. Conclusion?
BLITZER: Problem solution.
BLITZER: Final input code missing. Emergency terminate. Initiate self-destruct in nine eight
(The Blitzer's eyes turn from blue to red.)
DOCTOR: The input code. I forgot the final input code.
(He stabs frantically at a keypad.)
BLITZER: Seven six five
CLARA: Do it now!
DOCTOR: I need time. Distract it, Clara!
CLARA: Me? What can I do?
BLITZER: Three two one.
DANNY [OC]: Oi, Skovox. Over here.
(Danny turns off the invisibility watch, then runs and somersaults over the Blitzer.)
BLITZER: Under attack.
DOCTOR: Artificer Artificer. Stop. Confirm stop override final input code.
BLITZER: Code accepted. Abort self-destruct. Orders accepted Stop stop stop.
(The Blitzer powers off. Clara hugs Danny.)
CLARA: Oh, my God! Oh, my God, you were amazing! Oh, my God, you were so brilliant.
DANNY: Well, yeah, I was okay, wasn't I? I was behind you every step of the way. Had to make sure you were safe. (to the Doctor) You okay?
CLARA: Just okay?
DANNY: It's all right, it doesn't matter. I don't need him to like me. It doesn't matter if he likes me or hates me, I just need to do exactly one thing for you. Doctor, am I right?
CLARA: What? What one thing?
DANNY: I need to be good enough for you. That's why he's angry. Just in case I'm not.
CLARA: He, er, he did just save the whole world.
DOCTOR: Yeah, yeah. Good start.
(The Blitzer is cast adrift from the Tardis, micro-meteorites bouncing off its metal surface.)
DOCTOR [OC]: Farewell, Skovox Blitzer. Have a nice war. So, Courtney Woods, impressed yet?
(The doors are open, and Courtney is holding on to the doorframe for dear life.)
COURTNEY: Actually, I'm feeling a bit ill.
DOCTOR: Ah, it can be a bit overwhelming. But look. The Olveron Cluster. A million stars, a hundred million inhabited planets.
(Courtney gags and runs inside. Sounds of an unfortunate occurrence.)
DOCTOR: Ah, yes. There has been a spillage.
(Snuggling on the sofa in front of the television.)
CLARA: So, what do you think of him now?
DANNY: Of the Doctor?
CLARA: Yeah. See, he's all right, isn't he, really, underneath it all.
(She turns the television off with the remote.)
CLARA: Okay. Tell me what you're thinking.
DANNY: I know men like him. I've served under them. They push you and make you stronger, till you're doing things you never thought you could. I saw you tonight. You did exactly what he told you. You weren't even scared. And you should have been.
CLARA: I trust him. He's never let me down.
DANNY: Fine. If he ever pushes you too far, I want you to tell me, because I know what that's like. You'll tell me if that happens, yeah?
CLARA: Yeah, it's a deal.
DANNY: No. It's a promise.
CLARA: Okay. I promise.
DANNY: And if you break that promise, Clara, we're finished.
CLARA: Don't say that.
DANNY: I'm saying it because if you don't tell me the truth, I can't help you. And I could never stand not being able to help you. We clear?
CLARA: Yes. We're clear.
(They snuggle down again and she turns the television back on.)
(The late CSO is sitting across a desk from a man in a pale grey suit.)
MATTHEW: It was mad. It was like in a film or on the telly like, with science fiction guns.
SEB: Skovox Blitzer, sounds like. We've had a few in from that. Wouldn't feel too bad.
MATTHEW: If I hadn't. If I hadn't. Hang on. That doesn't make sense.
SEB: Makes perfect sense to me.
MATTHEW: How did I escape? I, I don't remember how I got away.
SEB: Well, I was coming to that. I'm afraid you really rather didn't.
(Matthew stands up and looks around.)
MATTHEW: Then how did I get here?
SEB: Well. Big question.
MATTHEW: Where am I?
SEB: What name would you like? There's a range. The afterlife. The Promised Land. I'm partial to the Nethersphere.
(Matthew goes to the circular window behind Seb and looks through the blinds.)
MATTHEW: My God.
(Missy, the Edwardian lady, walks into the corridor, looks at them then walks away.)
SEB: Sorry, she's a bit er, busy today. So, any questions?
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