Relief Red Nose Day 2011 - Time
Original Airdate: 18 Mar 2011
(The Doctor whistling whilst working underneath the Tardis Console.)
(She pulls him out from underneath.)
AMY: Listen. Can we talk?
DOCTOR: (shouts) Rory!
AMY: Stop. Shut up. I've just got a question, that's all.
RORY [OC]: You okay up there?
DOCTOR: Yeah, fine, no problem.
AMY: What are you doing?
(Rory is on the lower level.)
RORY: Helping the Doctor. It's humming. Is that okay?
DOCTOR: Yeah, it's fine. We're just entering conceptual space. Imagine a banana, or anything curved. Actually, don't. It's not curved or like a banana. Forget the banana!
AMY: Er, is he helping you fly the Tardis?
DOCTOR: Detach servo-couplings two, seven and eleven, like I showed you.
AMY: How come he gets to have a go? You never let me have a go.
RORY: Er, Doctor, don't. Seriously. I let her drive my car once.
AMY: Yeah, to the end of the road.
RORY: According to Amy, there was an unexpected house.
AMY: He's jealous because I passed my test first time.
RORY: You cheated. You wore a skirt.
AMY: I didn't wear a skirt.
RORY: That would have worked too.
AMY: No, no, I did wear a skirt. But it was any old skirt.
RORY: Have you seen Amy drive, Doctor?
RORY: Neither did her driving examiner.
AMY: Actually, it was this one. It was this skirt.
(So, just barely covering anything then. The Tardis tilts and goes dark.)
AMY: What was that?
DOCTOR: Rory? Did you drop a thermo-coupling?
DOCTOR: Argh. How did you do that? I told you, don't drop them. I specifically mentioned not dropping.
AMY: It was my fault.
DOCTOR: Of course it wasn't your fault.
RORY: It kind of was her fault.
DOCTOR: How could it be her fault?
AMY: Because it was my skirt and my husband and your glass floor.
DOCTOR: Oh, Rory.
DOCTOR: Well, we've landed. Emergency materialisation. Should be fine. Should have dropped off in the safest spot available.
(He brings the power back online. They walk forward to the railing to look at - another Tardis.)
AMY: Doctor, what's happened?
DOCTOR: Safest spot available. The Tardis has materialised inside itself.
RORY: Is that supposed to happen?
DOCTOR: Take a guess.
DOCTOR: That's the one.
(The Doctor goes to touch the other Tardis.)
AMY: What are you doing?
DOCTOR: Absolutely no idea.
(He goes inside it and walks in through the main door.)
AMY: Okay, that is a bit weird.
(The Doctor puts his arm outside, and it waves at them from the new Tardis.)
RORY: That is actually pretty cool.
(The Doctor goes outside and steps out of the new Tardis.)
DOCTOR: I'm glad you're entertained, Rory, now that we're stuck here for all eternity at least you won't be bored.
AMY: Wait, what, we're stuck?
DOCTOR: The inside of the Tardis is now joined to the outside of the Tardis. Worse than a time loop, a space loop. Nothing can enter or leave this ship ever again.
(Another Amy walks in.)
AMY 2: Okay, kids. This is where it gets complicated.
AMY: Who the hell are you?
AMY 2: I'm you, from your future.
DOCTOR: Tell me exactly what's happened.
AMY 2: Well, the exterior shell of the Tardis has drifted forwards in time. If you step into the box now, you step into the control floor a tiny bit in the past.
AMY: I don't understand.
AMY 2: (sotto) Neither do I.
AMY: But you just said it.
AMY 2: No, I'm just repeating it. I'm just remembering what I heard myself saying when I was standing where you are now, and repeating it. I'm just repeating this too. And this, and this.
AMY: Oh, I still don't understand.
AMY 2: You still don't.
DOCTOR: Okay, when does Amy step inside the box. We need to maintain the time line.
AMY 2: Ah. As soon as she's slapped Rory.
RORY: Huh. No, why do I get slapped?
DOCTOR: Because we have to stick to the established chain of events. One mistake and the whole time line could collapse. We could end up with two Amy Ponds for ever, and then what would you do?
(Rory turns to Amy, finger raised. She slaps him.)
DOCTOR: Okay, you. Into the police box now.
AMY: And then I become her?
DOCTOR: Yes. Go, go, go!
AMY: Do I really look like that?
AMY 2: Yeah. Yeah, you do.
AMY: Ooo. Nice choice for your driving lessons.
AMY 2: I bet you would.
DOCTOR: Oh, this is how it all ends. Pond flirting with herself. True love at last. Oh, sorry, Rory.
RORY: (drooling) Absolutely no problem at all.
DOCTOR: Now, Amy.
AMY: What's the first line?
AMY 2: Okay, kids, this is where it gets complicated.
(She goes into the second Tardis.)
AMY 2: So, is that it? Are we okay now?
DOCTOR: No, we're still trapped.
(Amy and Rory enter the Tardis.)
DOCTOR: What are you doing?
RORY 2: You told us to get into the police box. Well, from your point of view you're about to tell us to get into the police box. From our point of view you just told us to get into the police box, which is why we got into the police box, which is why we're here.
RORY: Do I have to remember all of that?
RORY 2: It just sort of happens.
(The two Amys wave at each other happily.)
AMY 2: Hi.
AMY 3: Hi.
DOCTOR: Stop that. You two, in the police box now. Run.
(Rory and Amy 2 go into the Tardis.)
AMY 3: So, what now?
DOCTOR: You two, stay where you are.
RORY 2: What are you doing?
DOCTOR: I'm setting up a controlled temporal implosion. It's the only way to rest the Tardis. But unless I find exactly the right lever to control the implosion, we're all going to die.
AMY 3: You don't know which lever?
DOCTOR: No. But I'm about to find out.
(The Doctor enters.)
DOCTOR 2: The wibbly lever!
DOCTOR: The wibbly lever. Thank you.
(He throws the lever and runs into the Tardis, which then dematerialises.)
DOCTOR: Okay, we're back in normal flight. The Tardis is no longer inside itself, the localised time field is no longer about to implode and rip a hole in all causality. But just in case, Pond, put some trousers on.
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