The Ultimate Adventure, by Terrance Dicks

Stageplay first performed by Jon Pertwee 23rd March 1989

Full Transcript of an actual performance starring Jon Pertwee

MALE ANNOUNCER: Due to the technical nature of the show, and in the interests of safety, may we remind you that the taking of photographs and the use of binoculars is strictly forbidden. Thank you.
[He didn't say anything about recording moving images, so have you got the amateur video camera which is hidden in your bag pointed at the stage? Good. Let's continue...]

(Opening Doctor Who theme music composed by Ron Grainer.)

(The curtain rises. Dalek control room in semi-darkness, with a male villain called KARL dressed mainly in black with a cape, but with five belt straps that go around the chest beneath which is what looks like a black string vest; a silver-suited Cyberleader; and the Emperor Dalek. Imagine a miniaturised version of the Emperor Dalek from The Evil of The Daleks where the two adjacent walls it was attached to have also been miniaturised with it. It does not have a booming voice, and at about seven foot tall is not much bigger than the Cyberman.)
EMPEROR DALEK: Is all prepared?
KARL: My men are ready to leave.
CYBERLEADER: The Cybermen are always ready.
EMPEROR DALEK: Then go and do not fail us. Upon your mission depends the conquest of Earth.
CYBERLEADER: Our communications centre has intercepted an emergency signal, calling the Doctor back to Earth.
EMPEROR DALEK: This was anticipated.
KARL: You're not worried? I hear the Doctor spoiled some of your best schemes in the past.
EMPEROR DALEK: This time the Doctor is part of our plans.
CYBERLEADER: The Doctor is a dangerous enemy. He must be destroyed.
EMPEROR DALEK: We need the Doctor alive. Once he has served his purpose, he will be exterminated. Exterminated. Exterminated!
DALEKS: Exterminate the Doctor! Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!

(The Ultimate Adventure theme music. Laser lights show an image of a battered old blue Police Box spinning round, travelling in time and space.)

(The TARDIS materialises with a strange wheezing, groaning sound. The chiming of Big Ben is heard. The lights come up. A tall man with a shock of white hair, ruffled shirt and green velvet smoking-jacket with long overcoat and cape steps out of the Police Box - THE DOCTOR. He is accompanied by his male assistant, JASON who has a shirt and waistcoat, his clothing reminiscent of Revolutionary France.)
THE DOCTOR: We've arrived.
(Applause from the audience. We are in an office with the framed photo of a wartime politician on the wall. A blonde-haired woman with a familiar voice and dressed conservatively in a blue outfit is sitting at a table facing the Doctor. She stands to face him. She could turn round so that the audience can see her face, but this lady's not for turning.)
THE DOCTOR: Margaret.
(Laughter from the audience.)
THE DOCTOR: How very nice to see you again.
MRS THATCHER: But what on Earth are you doing here?
THE DOCTOR: I was rather under the impression that you'd sent for me.
MRS THATCHER: Didn't you get my signal?
THE DOCTOR: That I was to go at once to Number Ten? Of course. That's why I'm here.
MRS THATCHER: Not this Number Ten, you silly man. Number Ten the nightclub at Clarendon Square.
JASON: Allow me to explain.
JASON: The device upon which the message was received functioned rather unreliably, the message became garbled and...
(THE DOCTOR taps onto the table to stop him.)
MRS THATCHER: Doctor, who is this young man?
THE DOCTOR: Forgive me, Prime Minister. Allow me to present The Marquis de Sant Evremonde D'Isigny de la Tour. Jason for short.
[To be historically accurate, he would probably be called Charles for short. "Jason" is an in-joke as there was a possibility this role would be taken by Australian singer and actor Jason Donovan. The actor playing Jason here does not even speak in a French accent.]
(JASON bows elaborately before MRS THATCHER.)
THE DOCTOR: Don't overdo it, Jason. Prime Minister, am I to understand that you've summoned me back to Earth merely to escort you to a nightclub? Can't Dennis do that?
(Some laughter.)
MRS THATCHER: It isn't me you'll be escorting, Doctor. It's the American envoy.
THE DOCTOR: Why on earth should I escort an American envoy to a nightclub...?
MRS THATCHER: If you'll kindly stop talking and sit down, I'll explain.
(JASON brings over a chair. THE DOCTOR sits.)
MRS THATCHER: The most important Peace Conference in Earth's history begins here at Downing Street, tomorrow morning.
THE DOCTOR: Well, it's certainly about time. Unless you humans mend your ways, this little planet of yours is going to end up as a radioactive cinder hanging in space.
MRS THATCHER: If I may continue. The American envoy is the one key figure in this entire Peace Conference.
THE DOCTOR: You're far too modest, dear lady.
MRS THATCHER: Believe me, Doctor, without him it can't possibly succeed. His own people trust him, and for once, so do the Russians and the Chinese.
THE DOCTOR: Well, I fail to understand how a man with such awesome responsibilities can find time to go gallivanting round nightclubs.
MRS THATCHER: He is an American, Doctor.
(Some laughter.)
MRS THATCHER: Besides, I gather it's a rather special occasion. The nightclub is being opened by an old friend of his, whose niece is making her singing debut there. But all this is rather beside the point.
THE DOCTOR: What exactly is the point?
MRS THATCHER: M I Five have discovered a plot to kidnap the peace envoy, and to blow up the conference, and that the danger comes from beyond this Earth.
THE DOCTOR: Ah. Now I understand why you sent for me, Prime Minister. Number Ten Clarendon Square, you said? Yes, all right, I'll find it. There must be an A to Z in the TARDIS somewhere.
(THE DOCTOR starts to leave. MRS THATCHER stands.)
MRS THATCHER: Doctor...?
MRS THATCHER: I can depend upon you, can't I? This really is most terribly important.
(THE DOCTOR takes her hand.)
THE DOCTOR: Dear Margaret, you know you can always depend on me.
(THE DOCTOR kisses her hand and moves off. JASON takes MRS THATCHER's hand too and kisses it.)
(They leave. MRS THATCHER sits at her desk again. THE DOCTOR and JASON stand before the Police Box.)
THE DOCTOR: You know, I can cope with most things in the Universe, from Daleks to dinosaurs, but quite frankly that woman terrifies me.
(Audience laughter. THE DOCTOR and JASON go into the Police Box.)

(Music playing in the background of the nightclub. A young man in light-coloured trousers, the MC, speaks to CRYSTAL, a young woman in a blue gown.)
MC: Five minutes, Miss Crystal. Are you nervous?
CRYSTAL: More like petrified.
MC: Brace yourself. A VIP wants to meet you.
MC: The American peace envoy. Hey, that's him over there.
CRYSTAL: Who are those sinister-looking people with him?
MC: His special bodyguards watch - they carry more hardware than Dirty Harry. You'd best go, he's waiting.
(CRYSTAL hesitates and the MC takes her by the arm.)
MC: Hey, come on. Excuse me, sir. May I introduce Miss Crystal.
US ENVOY: Ah! My dear. An old friend of your father's. I just wanted to wish you good luck on your London debut.
CRYSTAL: Thank you, sir. I'll need it.
(The spotlight goes on, illuminating the Number 10 symbol where the N and b of the word Number are designed like musical notes.)
MC: Okay. And now, ladies and gentlemen, direct from her sensational European tour, and tonight making her London debut, Number Ten is proud to welcome the fabulous Crystal!
(The song Strange Attractor begins. CRYSTAL in front of a microphone singing, making occasional gestures and dancing to emphasise the lyrics. The laser lights play around her.)
CRYSTAL: (singing:) Our love was strong, you told me it was everything you wanted, and I thought you really meant it deep inside, but I was wrong, and when you left you left a pain within me, a deep and desperate longing I can't hide. Even though you're not around your magnitude still forces me to try to find you, what else can I do. You've become my strange attractor, my love for you's a major factor, on the road that takes me back to you. Wherever you're going I will follow you, no matter how far, you can lead me to the furthest star. Whenever you need me you just got to call my name and I'll be there, Ooh-ooh, I'll be waiting for you. You've become my strange attractor, my love for you's a major factor, on the road that...
(She breaks off and screams. Shots fired. Shouts from KARL and smoke, lasers indicate alien guns firing as the mostly unseen battle continues.)
KARL: Take that man! Take him!
(Shots fired. KARL calls for the Cybermen. Cybermen guns fired.)
KARL: Back, lads!
(Shots fired.)
KARL: Quick, the laser cannon.
(Shots fired. Electronic humming of laser.)
KARL: Get up, robot.
(Shots fired.)
KARL: We've got company!
(TARDIS materialises.)
KARL: Too late, Doctor, as usual.
(Zapping of teleport, and KARL is gone.)
THE DOCTOR: Too late? I'm never too late.
JASON: Well, he was right, wasn't he? They've captured the envoy.
THE DOCTOR: Then we shall just have to re-capture him.
JASON: By tomorrow morning? The Peace Conference begins in just twelve hours time. We don't know who's got the envoy or where they've taken him.
THE DOCTOR: It might be possible to track them. They must be using a matter transporter based on an orbiting space ship. Now, we've got space radar in the TARDIS.
JASON: Those huge silver creatures, Doctor. What were they?
THE DOCTOR: Cybermen.
JASON: What about all the others? Like this one.
(A man lying on the floor.)
THE DOCTOR: Space mercenaries. They work for whoever pays best.
JASON: He's still alive.
(They crouch down before the mercenary.)
THE DOCTOR: Not for long, though.
(MERCENARY speaks. The speech is unintelligible because it sounds almost like backwards speech.)
JASON: What on earth was that?
THE DOCTOR: Nothing on Earth at all. He's humanoid, not human. A native of Deneb Three. Fortunately I do speak a modicum of their language.
(Audience laughter. THE DOCTOR uses same backwards speech. MERCENARY replies, the only intelligible word is "Delilah".)
JASON: What was all that about? What did he say?
(They stand.)
THE DOCTOR: He said, "Tell Delilah to give the boys a farewell drink for me."
(Some laughter. THE DOCTOR walks off to the Police Box leaving JASON puzzled.)
THE DOCTOR: Come on, Jason.
(CRYSTAL runs up before JASON can go in.)
CRYSTAL: Excuse me? You seem to know what's going on around here...
JASON: I'm sorry, there's no time.
CRYSTAL: But people appearing and disappearing. Giant silver things. People killed. Am I going mad?
JASON: It's all much too complicated to explain.
CRYSTAL: This was supposed to be my debut, my big night, and now - just look at all this.
JASON: Well, I'm sorry if there's been an interruption to your career, but we've got more important things to worry about, like the survival of the planet. Why don't you go away and practice your top notes?
CRYSTAL: I just want to know what's going on!
JASON: I'm afraid you wouldn't understand.
(He goes through the door.)
CRYSTAL: Why, you patronising chauvinistic oaf! Come back here!
(She rushes into the box too.)

(The MC on his own in the darkness, on the phone.)
MC: Hello? Hello, patch me through to the security office, Ten Downing Street. Come on. Hello, I'm calling from Number Ten the nightclub, Clarendon Square. Please hurry, it's urgent! Quick, get a move on. Hello. It's urgent. The American peace envoy's been kidnapped. ... No, some kind of aliens. They had soldiers with them, some kind of mercenaries. All your bodyguards are dead. And then some bloke turned up in a Police Box. ... That's right, a sort of Police Box. ... No. I've no idea who it was.

(Inside the TARDIS with circular patterns on the walls and a console.)
THE DOCTOR: I've managed to pick up the kidnappers' trail, and our controls are locked onto their energy tra...
(CRYSTAL squeal as JASON takes hold of her to try and carry her back out.)
THE DOCTOR: Good grief. Jason! This is scarcely the time or the place for amorous pursuits.
(Some laughter.)
JASON: She followed me in here.
THE DOCTOR: That's exactly what I'm talking about. Will you please get rid of her.
CRYSTAL: This place ... it's bigger on the inside than it is on the outside.
JASON: That's because the TARDIS is dimensionally transcendental.
CRYSTAL: What does that mean?
THE DOCTOR: It means that it's bigger on the inside than it is on the outside.
(Audience laughter. A similar explanation was given to Jo Grant when she stepped into the TARDIS in Colony In Space Episode 1.)
THE DOCTOR: Now, if you'll please excuse us, young lady? Jason?
(CRYSTAL rushes over to THE DOCTOR.)
CRYSTAL: Now, listen to me...
THE DOCTOR: No, you listen to me. I'm on a very important mission that involves the safety of your planet, and I've no time for explanations or anything else. Now, will you please leave?
JASON: You heard him. Out!
CRYSTAL: Why, you...
(She tries to slap him, he dodges and tries to grab her, she falls forwards onto some controls on the console, and the TARDIS doors close. A humming of the TARDIS in flight starts up in the control room.)
JASON: Well, you've done it now.
CRYSTAL: What have I done?
THE DOCTOR: You've set the TARDIS in motion, young lady. So whether you like it or not, you're coming with us.
(She turns to the doors, but they are closed.)

KARL: Well, here he is. What are you going to do with him?
EMPEROR DALEK: That does not concern you. Your function is to obey.
KARL: Oh, I'll obey, just as long as I'm paid.
EMPEROR DALEK: Take the prisoner to the high-security area.
US ENVOY: No. Please, help me.
KARL: Sorry, friend. Business is business. Take him.
US ENVOY: No ... No, please...
(He is led off.)
EMPEROR DALEK: What of the Doctor?
KARL: We left a clear energy trail to Altair Three. He'll follow. What else would he do? And your Cybermen will be waiting for him.
EMPEROR DALEK: You passed on my orders?
KARL: I told them to take him alive. Of course, they may get carried away.
(He laughs sadistically. The CYBERLEADER steps forwards to confront the EMPEROR DALEK.)
CYBERLEADER: What is the reason for the orders? What are your plans for the Doctor?
EMPEROR DALEK: You do not need to know.
CYBERLEADER: We are not your servants. We are your allies. Without us, your plan to kidnap the Earthman would have failed. The Doctor is our enemy. He must be destroyed.
EMPEROR DALEK: In time, the Doctor will be exterminated, but first we need him alive.
(Lights fade but we still hear the voice of the EMPEROR DALEK.)
EMPEROR DALEK: The Doctor will be exterminated, but first we need him alive, alive, alive!

(The console room. Central glass column rising and falling, CRYSTAL looking for a way out while JASON and THE DOCTOR are at the console.)
JASON: Those Cybermen, Doctor. What exactly are they?
THE DOCTOR: Cybermen? Well, they were human once just like you. Gradually they lost the use of their limbs, their organs and their brains, and replaced them with cybernetic devices. Made them more like machines than men. They have no feelings, and now no emotions. Just an ungovernable lust for power.
JASON: And that's where they're heading?
THE DOCTOR: That's right. Altair Three. Their energy track was exceptionally clear. It's very strange they should be heading there.
THE DOCTOR: Well, when I visited the planet a few hundred years ago, I found...
CRYSTAL: Please can we stop all this?
THE DOCTOR: All what?
(She gestures behind her.)
CRYSTAL: This. It's a great illusion I grant you. All done with mirrors, is it?
THE DOCTOR: Not exactly, no.
CRYSTAL: But all this talk about going to other planets and other times...
JASON: Your trouble is, you just can't face facts.
CRYSTAL: Facts? Okay. You show me a fact and I'll face it.
(THE DOCTOR moves away from the console to address her.)
THE DOCTOR: Very well, young lady, the facts are these. Firstly, I am the Doctor and this is Jason my assistant. Secondly, you are inside the TARDIS, a craft that can travel through both Time and Space. And thirdly, you are on your way to a planet called Altair Three.
(TARDIS console bleep of landing and central glass column stops moving up and down.)
JASON: Correction, Doctor. The centre column has stopped. We're not just on our way to Altair Three, we're there.
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, so we are. And a very fine piece of navigation, even though I say so myself. Let's take a look here. Approximately Earth-type atmosphere, air thin but breathable...
CRYSTAL: All right, that's it!
CRYSTAL: That's it, I've had it. Now, will you please let me out of here?
JASON: You want to go out?
CRYSTAL: I want to go out back to Number Ten Clarendon Square.
JASON: Don't you understand? Your precious nightclub simply isn't out there any more.
CRYSTAL: Let me out!
THE DOCTOR: Oh, very well.
(THE DOCTOR leans over and operates the door control. The TARDIS doors open and CRYSTAL walks out.)
JASON: But Doctor...
THE DOCTOR: Oh, don't worry about her, she won't come to much harm. Now, if I can get a precise fix on our Cyberman friends.
JASON: How do you know you haven't landed right on top of them?
THE DOCTOR: Because the dear old TARDIS always keeps me out of danger. When I let her, that is.
JASON: I'd better go after her. She's going to get quite a shock, you know.
THE DOCTOR: Yes. I think she probably is.
(JASON walks out.)

(Cries and shrieks of many alien creatures with laser images of these, for almost 2 minutes.)
JASON: Are you all right? I said, are you all right?
(He runs up to her.)
CRYSTAL: I'm fine. Just a little shattered, that's all. All this weird jungle. It was all true then, what you were saying?
JASON: Afraid so.
CRYSTAL: And we really are on another planet?
JASON: Altair Three, according to the Doctor.
CRYSTAL: But who is the Doctor? Come to that, who are you?
JASON: The Doctor? Well, he's ... he's just the Doctor. And I am The Marquis de Sant Evremonde D'Isigny de la Tour.
CRYSTAL: Should I curtsey or something?
JASON: Just a handshake will do. And you can call me Jason.
CRYSTAL: Crystal. Crys for short.
JASON: How do you do?
CRYSTAL: You don't sound French.
JASON: My mother was English. I went to school in England. I didn't go back to France until I was about thirty...
(CRYSTAL cries out. Flying insect men descend. They are mostly humanoid and silvery, but with built-in wings.)
CRYSTAL: Jason! What are they?
JASON: They must be one of the indigenous life-forms.
CRYSTAL: What are we going to do?
JASON: The Doctor would probably try to make friends with them. Greetings. We come in peace.
CRYSTAL: That doesn't sound very friendly.
JASON: Don't worry, they're probably quite harmless.
(CRYSTAL screams. Insect Men squawking. THE DOCTOR makes strange shrieking sounds at the Alien Insects.)
JASON: You see, I told you they were harmless.
CRYSTAL: Harmless?
THE DOCTOR: Erm - would you mind keeping quiet, I'm having a very important conference here.
(Audience laughter. THE DOCTOR speaks in the Insect Language. Reply. THE DOCTOR speaks again.)
JASON: What was that all about?
THE DOCTOR: Well, evidently the spaceship that we're after put down in a clearing not very far away from here. Well, another spaceship was standing by, waiting. Now, a prisoner, a human prisoner, was transferred to this waiting ship which immediately took off.
CRYSTAL: They told you all that in just a few shrieks?
THE DOCTOR: It's a very precise language.
(Some laughter.)
JASON: When did you learn to speak it so fluently, Doctor?
CRYSTAL: How did you become well in with these inch ... insect creatures?
THE DOCTOR: Well, I visited this planet many years ago when the Daleks were trying to establish a base here. Oh, they planned to destroy the rainforests, wipe out all the animal life, and break up the ozone layer.
(Some laughter. They're a hard audience, tonight.)
CRYSTAL: That's inhuman.
(More laughter.)
THE DOCTOR: There are people on your planet doing very much the same thing, you know. Anyway, I was able to help our insectoid friends get rid of the Daleks, in gratitude they made me an honorary member of their colony.
CRYSTAL: I'm very glad they did.
JASON: Nevertheless, we seem to have lost the American envoy. It's only a matter of hours now, Doctor. Tomorrow morning, Earth-time, the peace conference begins.
THE DOCTOR: Yes, I'm well aware of that. Come on, let's get back to the TARDIS.
(They turn to see Cybermen.)
CYBERLEADER: Halt. Stay exactly where you are. You are our prisoner, Doctor. You must come with us.
THE DOCTOR: And if I refuse your kind invitation?
CYBERLEADER: We are ordered to take you alive, but if you resist, we shall destroy you.
THE DOCTOR: Who ordered you to take me alive? What do you want with me, anyway? And why did you kidnap the American envoy? I thought only a handful of you had escaped the Cyber-wars, far too few to invade Earth.
CYBERLEADER: Only one question concerns you now. Will you surrender, or die? What is your answer, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: My answer? Simply this.
(THE DOCTOR shouts out in Alien Insect language. Insect people attack the Cybermen who turn and return fire, allowing THE DOCTOR to escape.)

(Laser lights indicate the Police Box flying in space.)

(TARDIS control room. The central glass column is rising and falling to indicate that the TARDIS is in flight. JASON and CRYSTAL bring in a large wooden chest.)
JASON: Is this the one, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, that's it.
JASON: Right, let's see what you've got in here.
(He opens it and rummages around. He tries on a fancy hat with a feather.)
JASON: What do you think, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: Mm? Oh, the bold bad mercenary to the life.
CRYSTAL: Going to a fancy dress party?
JASON: I'm not sure. Where are we going, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: Madame Delilah's.
JASON: What? Oh yes, of course. The dying mercenary. "Tell Madame Delilah to give the boys a farewell drink for me."
CRYSTAL: Hey, I'm still here, you know.
THE DOCTOR: Yes of course you are.
(He walks over to her.)
THE DOCTOR: How are you feeling now, Crys?
CRYSTAL: Fine now, fine.
THE DOCTOR: You're a very brave girl, do you know that?
CRYSTAL: Who is this Madame Delilah?
(She sits on the chest.)
THE DOCTOR: Madame Delilah? Oh, she runs the Bar Galactica on Centros. An underground hangout for thieves, murderers, mercenaries and outlaws. Veritable scum of the universe.
CRYSTAL: Sounds wonderful. That's where we're going?
THE DOCTOR: That's right.
THE DOCTOR: Isn't it obvious?
CRYSTAL: Not to me.
JASON: Nor to me, Doctor. Why?
THE DOCTOR: Well, for some extraordinary reason, the Cybermen seem to be using mercenaries as their allies, and the Bar Galactica is a well-known mercenary recruiting centre.
JASON: So, this Madame Delilah could be the spider at the centre of the entire network of information.
CRYSTAL: And she might know where the Cybermen and their mercenary friends have taken the envoy, and why.
THE DOCTOR: It's the only lead we have.
CRYSTAL: But even if she does know, will she talk?
THE DOCTOR: She might, to a couple of fellow mercenaries.
(CRYSTAL has moved away from the chest. THE DOCTOR opens it and rummages inside.)
THE DOCTOR: Now, what I need is something dignified and impressive. I've got just the thing. What about that?
(He puts on his head shiny metal helmet with a spike on top. Audience laugh.)
THE DOCTOR: No? Well, you're probably completely right. Ah, now let's have a look. What about this now?
(He wraps a multi-coloured long scarf round his neck. Audience laughter and applause.)
THE DOCTOR: No, that can't possibly be right!
(He takes it off and throws it into the chest.)
THE DOCTOR: Now then, here's the very thing now, just ... get this. This is going to be good.
(A black hat like one worn by a highwayman. THE DOCTOR chuckles.)
THE DOCTOR: Oh yeah, I've always wanted to be dressed up like that.
JASON: Definitely you, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: Yes, it is.
(Console bleeps to indicate landing.)
THE DOCTOR: Ah, we've arrived.
(TARDIS door opened.)
THE DOCTOR: Come on, then.
CRYSTAL: What about me?
THE DOCTOR: No, you stay here in the TARDIS. You'll be quite safe.
CRYSTAL: Now, just a minute. Can't you take me home?
THE DOCTOR: Eventually, yes. Immediately, no.
(THE DOCTOR and JASON walk out.)
CRYSTAL: Then make that three mercenaries, Doctor. Who knows? The bar may have a job for a singer.
(She looks in the chest to find a disguise herself.)

EMPEROR DALEK: Where is the Doctor?
CYBERLEADER: The natives of the planet were friendly to the Doctor. They assisted him to escape.
EMPEROR DALEK: Your Cybermen have failed in their mission.
CYBERLEADER: The fault lies in your orders. It would have been safer to kill the Doctor on sight.
EMPEROR DALEK: You have failed the Daleks.
KARL: Instead of blaming each other for the Doctor's escape, why don't you make a plan to recapture him?
(The CYBERLEADER spreads his arms:)
CYBERLEADER: We do not know the Doctor's whereabouts.
KARL: Maybe not. But we know his destination.
KARL: The Doctor saw me. He knows you're using mercenaries. If he's as bright as you say he is, he'll know where most mercenaries are recruited. He'll be on his way there now, just as fast as he can. He's working against the clock, remember, and time's against him.

(Piano song playing. Alien creatures are in a bar. A hirsute creature with two large eyes - the HAIRY ALIEN. An alien with green bulbous head and eyes on stalks and tendrils for a body - an ANT-PERSON. A plant alien - the VERVOID (first seen in the story The Trial Of A Time Lord), a DRACONIAN (first seen in the story Frontier In Space), a CHICKEN-HEADED ALIEN, a humanoid in black outfit - the MARTIAL ARTS MERCENARY. And the chattering ZOG - which could be said to resemble an Ewok, but this is Doctor Who, not Star Wars, so ... ZOG is like a cross between a monkey and a large alien teddy bear, complete with tail. A big-haired scantily-clad woman is moving among them, singing a song called Business Is Business.)
MADAME DELILAH: (singing:) Business is business, we always aim to please. Business is business, throughout the galaxies. Come to Bar Galactica for all-star mercenaries. We'll solve your little crisis, at very modest prices, if running low on forces, don't waste your own resources, cause ... Business is business, we always ... maim to please.
(She passes the VERVOID.)
MADAME DELILAH: (singing:) Business is business, throughout the galaxies. Come to Bar Galactica for all-star mercenaries. Quell your insurrection, it's for your own protection, make your style spectacular, tentacular, vernacular, cause - Business is business, we always maim to please. If your politicians fail to keep their words when they're elected, or simply don't turn out to be as good as you'd expected, or if your government's not acting in the way you want it to, then bleep us, we'll help you stage a military coup. Yow! Our team of mercenaries are the best you'd hope to find, they're highly-skilled and highly-trained, a monster Mensa mind. When they attack your fools will be unable to resist 'em, the more you pay the more they'll kill, that's the beauty of the system. Business is business, we always maim to please. Business is business, throughout the galaxies. Come to Bar Galactica for all-star mercenaries. Wooh! Yee-ah! Business is business, we always maim to please. Business is business, throughout the galaxies. Come to Bar Galactica for all-star mercenaries. We strongly recommend this tactic-a, trip to good old Bar Galactica. No job is too large, no job is too small, we'll roll up our sleeves and we'll tackle 'em all. From a quick assassination, to universal domination, we'll cause constant consternation throughout your constellation 'cause... Yow! Business is business, we always maim to please. Business is business, throughout the galaxies. Come to Bar Galactica for all ... star ... mercenaries. Yow!
(She ends the song by kicking something out of the way. Applause, cheering from the bar crowd. Alien excited language from the various hyperactive alien creatures there, with the frightened ZOG chattering as it runs away from the MARTIAL ARTS MERCENARY.)
THE DOCTOR: That'll be quite enough of that. Are you all right, old chap?
(ZOG answers in an alien female language. The MARTIAL ARTS MERCENARY blocks THE DOCTOR.)
THE DOCTOR: Do forgive me, I seem to be forever in your way.
(He is standing beside the ANT-PERSON, and THE MARTIAL ARTS MERCENARY shouts loudly in an alien language that might as well be in Chinese, and does a martial arts pose. THE DOCTOR and the Mercenary bow, then THE DOCTOR throws him aside. He knocks over an attacking VERVOID and offers his recently-acquired hat to ZOG.)
THE DOCTOR: You keep it, old chap.
(He turns to MADAME DELILAH who is seated at a table nearby.)
THE DOCTOR: Do I have the pleasure of addressing the notorious Madame Delilah?
MADAME DELILAH: You most certainly do. And who might you be...?
MADAME DELILAH: ... handsome?
(JASON and CRYSTAL join the others at the bar.)
THE DOCTOR: I beg your pardon, I'm usually known as the Doctor.
MADAME DELILAH: And what can I do for you, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: Well, my friends and I here are looking for some employment.
THE DOCTOR: Whatever pays the best. Do you mind if I have a private word?
MADAME DELILAH: You can have whatever you fancy. Why don't you come and join me?
THE DOCTOR: Thank you.
(THE DOCTOR sits beside her.)
MADAME DELILAH: Zog, champagne!
(JASON and CRYSTAL try the drink on offer. CRYSTAL almost chokes.)
JASON: What is it?
CRYSTAL: Liquid dynamite.
JASON: Probably more of a man's drink.
(They drink and half-choke and the aliens jump about excitedly, starting to crowd round them.)
JASON: Hey, it looks as if the Doctor's making a good impression there.
CRYSTAL: I don't think we are.
JASON: Oh, I don't know. I think the hairy one finds you rather attractive.
CRYSTAL: The one with the tentacles seems to fancy you.
(CRYSTAL screams as the chicken-headed alien advances on her.)
JASON: Excuse me, the young lady's with me.
(JASON is pushed aside by the CHICKEN-HEADED ALIEN, but CRYSTAL throws it aside.)
CRYSTAL: It's okay, Jason, I can take care of myself, thank you.
JASON: Look out!
(They dodge two aliens, who bang into each other and the rowdy aliens continue.)
THE DOCTOR: Look, can you do something about all this?
MADAME DELILAH: Oh, it's just their boyish fun, Doctor. But if it bothers you, why don't we go outside and take the air?
(THE DOCTOR leaves. The aliens surround JASON but he throws them off. He throws the DRACONIAN and ducks the dark-clad MARTIAL ARTS MERCENARY's attack. The aliens surround him again.)
CRYSTAL: Come on! Drinks all round!
JASON: That's the idea. Come on, lads. Get a few drinks down you. No hard feelings.
(The HAIRY ALIEN is given a drink to take.)
JASON: Right. Drink...
JASON:/ALIENS: Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
[Maybe Jason picked up his excellent English by watching Father Ted?]
(Cheering as the alien empties the glass.)
CRYSTAL: That didn't work. Try another one.
JASON: Come on, get this down you. That'll put some hairs on your tentacles.
CRYSTAL: Drink...
JASON:/ALIENS: Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
(The CHICKEN-HEADED ALIEN drinks the contents of the glass. Cheering. JASON moves over to the shouty dark-clad MARTIAL ARTS MERCENARY.)
JASON: Get that down you.
CRYSTAL: Drink up. You look like a fine upstanding person.
JASON:/ALIENS: Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
(The MARTIAL ARTS MERCENARY drinks, throws the cup behind him, falls forwards to the floor. The VERVOID after drinking spins round in mid air before coming to rest on the ground. This causes the other aliens to calm down briefly as they walk over to it to investigate.)
THE DOCTOR: Madame Delilah, you say that someone was been recruiting mercenaries for some very big operation?
MADAME DELILAH: Oh, later, Doctor, later. It's so seldom we get a man of your distinction in here, a mature, educated, civilised man. I get so tired of these hairy barbarians, but you and I could make such beautiful music together, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: Madame Delilah, I ... I do appreciate the honour that your proposition confers upon me, but believe me, at any other time...
MADAME DELILAH: But you talk so beautifully, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: You see, unfortunately, I am not free.
MADAME DELILAH: Not free? Who is she?
(She stands indignantly.)
MADAME DELILAH: I'll kill her!
THE DOCTOR: I was referring to my professional responsibilities. I mean, my mercenary band here depend on me. And after all, business is business.
MADAME DELILAH: Well, that I understand.
THE DOCTOR: Then you'll help me?
MADAME DELILAH: If I can. But you really need to speak to the man running the operation.
THE DOCTOR: And who might that be?
MADAME DELILAH: His name is Karl. He's a handsome, wicked devil.
(KARL's voice is heard.)
KARL: I love you too, Delilah. I might have known you'd be the one to do it.
KARL: Get your hands on the Doctor.
MADAME DELILAH: No-one can say I haven't tried.
(The aliens start to cry out excitedly. KARL appears behind THE DOCTOR.)
KARL: Silence, the lot of you. We have a distinguished guest here tonight. The most wanted man in the cosmos. That intergalactic master criminal known as the Doctor. The man with a million credits on his head.
THE DOCTOR: That's a lie.
KARL: Now listen. You all know me. Let me take him in, and I'll see you all get your share.
MADAME DELILAH: A million credits? I just knew you were somebody special, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: He's lying. Madame Delilah, I appeal to you.
MADAME DELILAH: You most certainly do.
(Laughter. MADAME DELILAH wraps one of THE DOCTOR's arms around herself.)
MADAME DELILAH: Karl, do you have to turn him in straight away?
KARL: I'm afraid so. Come along, Doctor. Move.
(KARL aims his gun. ZOG chatters in its alien language and holds KARL's gun-arm allowing THE DOCTOR to escape. Shots are fired.)
KARL: No! They want him alive. He won't get far.

(Laser hologram shows the Police Box travelling.)

(THE DOCTOR, JASON and CRYSTAL - and also ZOG - rush through the TARDIS doors into the console room.)
THE DOCTOR: The further and faster we get away from this place the better.
(TARDIS doors closed and the central column rises and falls.)
THE DOCTOR: Good grief, what on earth do you want?
(ZOG runs round speaking in alien language. Although male it has a female-sounding voice.)
THE DOCTOR: He says his name is Zog. He doesn't want to work for the Bar Galactica any more and can he please come with us.
(ZOG crouches at THE DOCTOR's feet and speaks more.)
THE DOCTOR: He says he's also very good at cleaning and polishing.
THE DOCTOR: Well done Zog old chap, very nice, but not now, there's a good lad.
JASON: Poor little fellow.
(He pats ZOG.)
CRYSTAL: Can we keep him, Doctor? They were really nasty to him at that Bar Galactica place.
THE DOCTOR: Well, we're certainly not taking him back there, so welcome aboard Zog, although you may find that you've jumped from the frying-pan into the fire.
JASON: What are we going to do now, Doctor? I know the TARDIS can travel in time, but back on Earth the clock is still ticking away.
THE DOCTOR: Yes, I am aware of that. Do you think I can forget it for one single second?
CRYSTAL: Jason's right, Doctor. Time is running out. We didn't learn a thing in that Bar Galactica place. Well, apart from the fact that Madame Delilah fancies you rotten.
THE DOCTOR: On the contrary, Crystal, we learned a very great deal.
JASON: Such as what?
THE DOCTOR: Well, do you think it was by accident that we walked into that Cyberman ambush? Or that Karl, the mercenary leader, turned up when he did?
CRYSTAL: What do you mean, Doctor?
(THE DOCTOR sits.)
THE DOCTOR: I mean that someone or some thing is anticipating our every move.
CRYSTAL: It's hopeless, isn't it?
THE DOCTOR: Oh, there's always hope, Crystal.
CRYSTAL: Is there? Admit it, Doctor. We're done from the start. You were too late to save the envoy, and then we lost him again on Altair Three and nearly got killed by Cybermen, and the mercenaries nearly trapped us at the Bar Galactica. Why don't you just give up and take me home?
(She turns away from him, upset.)
JASON: Come on now, Crys.
(CRYSTAL kneels before THE DOCTOR.)
CRYSTAL: I'm not usually like this, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: Ah, it's all right. Even the bravest of us have their moments of despair. I remember saying as much to old Winnie.
CRYSTAL: Winnie?
THE DOCTOR: Winston. Winston Churchill. Just after Dunkirk it was. Everything was going wrong. The British Army were defeated, and Hitler was master of Europe. Poor old Winnie was well down in the dumps. "You just put it to them straight, Winston," I said. "You tell the British people that you've nothing to offer them but blood, toil, sweat and tears ..."
(Laughter from the audience.)
THE DOCTOR: "Let old Adolf know that you'll fight him on the beaches ..."
(More laughter.)
THE DOCTOR: "You'll fight him in the fields and you'll fight him in the streets, and that you'll never surrender. You never know, this might turn out to be your finest hour."
(More laughter.)
CRYSTAL: What happened?
THE DOCTOR: Well, he brightened, gave one of his famous V signs, lit up a big fat cigar and went out and won the war.
(CRYSTAL laughs. Sudden vibration and they all rush over to hold onto the console.)
CRYSTAL: Oh! Doctor, what was that?
THE DOCTOR: I'm not sure. We seem to be in the grip of some tremendously powerful outside force.
JASON: Can't you break free?
THE DOCTOR: I can try.
(CRYSTAL squeals.)

(Cheering and applause as Dalek Supreme glides on - a Dalek with a black and gold colour while the others are blue. Daleks look at an image on their large scanner of the spinning Police Box.)
DALEK 1: Our tractor beam has locked on to the TARDIS.
DALEK 2: Increase the power.
DALEK 1: I obey. Tractor beam power increased.
DALEK 3: Violent meteor storms are predicted.
DALEK 2: Continue the operation. The capture of the Doctor is of prime importance. Increase tractor beam power to maximum.
DALEK 1: I obey. Tractor beam at maximum.
DALEK 2: Operate transfer beam, now.
DALEK 1: I obey.
(Power increased.)
DALEK 2: Doctor, you are a prisoner of the Daleks. Come out and surrender. Your TARDIS is held by our force-field. You cannot escape. We can fill the TARDIS with sound frequencies that will destroy your brain.
(No reply.)
DALEK 2: Operate high frequency sonic beam.
DALEK 1: I obey.
(High-pitched whine.)
THE DOCTOR: All right. All right.
(CRYSTAL cries out.)
THE DOCTOR: All right. All right, you've made your point.
(The sound stops as THE DOCTOR, JASON, CRYSTAL and ZOG emerge from the darkness beyond.)
THE DOCTOR: Ah. So it's you. Not Cybermen, not mercenaries, but you behind it all.
CRYSTAL: Doctor, what are these things?
THE DOCTOR: Allow me to introduce you, my dear, to the most ruthless, evil, destructive creatures in the cosmos. Being without conscience, and without mercy. The Daleks.
JASON: Don't beat around the bush, Doctor. Tell us what you really think of them.
DALEK 2: Silence.
(Audience laughter.)
DALEK 2: Doctor, you are the Daleks' greatest enemy.
THE DOCTOR: That is a title I am proud to acknowledge.
DALEK 2: You have constantly interfered with our plans to conquer the universe.
THE DOCTOR: I have, and I shall do so again just as often as I can.
DALEK 2: Now you are our prisoner, your interference is at an end.
(Sudden rumble, CRYSTAL cries out. The DALEKS spin round, out of control.)
DALEK 1: Emergency, emergency. I need immediate assistance. Emergency.
DALEK 2: Guard them.
CRYSTAL: What's happening?
THE DOCTOR: We seem to be caught in a meteor storm. This could be our only chance, while their guidance systems are out of control.
DALEK 3: Silence. Our deflector shield has been damaged.
DALEK 2: Go and cut in emergency power circuits.
DALEKS: We obey.
THE DOCTOR: Go, now!
(They take hold of the Dalek Supreme.)
DALEK: Emergency, emergency!
JASON: Quick - there!
DALEK: I am being attacked!
(CRYSTAL cries out.)
DALEK: Assist, assist, assist!
JASON: Out of the way!
DALEK: Emergency, emergency!
THE DOCTOR: Don't let them use that device!
DALEK: Assist, assist! Emergency!
(They throw the Dalek down one side of the room out of view. Multiple Dalek voices crying out "Emergency" and "Under attack" then silence. Whirring of sonic screwdriver.)
THE DOCTOR: Right. That's fused their door control.
CRYSTAL: Then let's get out of here.
THE DOCTOR: No. The TARDIS is still locked in their force-field.
JASON: Well then, what can we do?
THE DOCTOR: Well, I'll try and break it free. Meantime you'll ... you'll have to steer the ship while I do it.
CRYSTAL: I don't know how to steer a spaceship.
THE DOCTOR: You don't?
THE DOCTOR: Now's your chance to learn. Come over here. Look at this console.
CRYSTAL: So many screens.
JASON: They're all different.
THE DOCTOR: Now, this one.
(The controls are at the side of the large scanner. High pitched bleeps briefly as he presses one.)
THE DOCTOR: Oh! That's starboard.
THE DOCTOR: Left and right. And horizontal, vertical, up and down.
CRYSTAL: Now what are we supposed to do?
THE DOCTOR: Dodge as many meteors as you can.
(High-pitched bleeps. Rumbling and vibration throws JASON and CRYSTAL to the floor.)
THE DOCTOR: Especially the big ones. Zog, guard that door.
(ZOG runs off.)
JASON: Come on, Crys. Let's get on with this.
(Meteors appear on the scanner - large rocks hurtling towards the screen which they flinch from as they narrowly miss. Eventually ZOG comes back and watches.)
CRYSTAL: Ow! Look out!
JASON: Go under it, Crys!
(Laser shots fired. CRYSTAL cries out.)
JASON: And the beam as well.
CRYSTAL: Whooh! That was close. I didn't think we'd get out of that last one.
JASON: Look out, here they come again!
(CRYSTAL cries out.)
CRYSTAL: They seem to be spinning this time.
JASON: Coming at us so fast.
JASON: Hang on, Crys. I think we're going into a spiral!
(Loud rumble. They cry out. CRYSTAL screams as many meteors on the screen zoom towards them.)
JASON: Try to weave through them.
(They cry out.)
CRYSTAL: I like a roller-coaster ride, but this is going too far!
JASON: Hang on, it's not over yet.
CRYSTAL: Oh no! Look out!
JASON: How's it going, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: There's another security code on their force-field controls. I've almost cracked it.
CRYSTAL: Don't take too long.
JASON: Try that lever, Crys.
CRYSTAL: That's done it. Mind out, Zog!
JASON: Hold it steady.
JASON: And...
(Rumbling stops and no more meteors appear on the scanner. TARDIS doors opening.)
CRYSTAL: Doctor! Look - the doors.
THE DOCTOR: I won't be a moment. Right, that's it.
(High pitched whine of his sonic screwdriver.)
THE DOCTOR: Yes, the TARDIS, she's free, she's free.
(But the Daleks glide in.)
DALEK: Stop. You have defied the Daleks for the last time, Doctor. Exterminate them! Exterminate!
DALEK: Exterminate! Exterminate!

(The curtain comes down for the end of Act One. Applause.)


(The Ultimate Adventure theme music, then curtain rises.)

DALEK: You have defied the Daleks for the last time, Doctor. To mark your final defeat, we shall execute you in your own TARDIS. Exterminate him!
(Bleeps of an alarm.)
DALEK 2: It is a coded message from Dalek HQ on Skaro. The Emperor commands that the Doctor be brought to him alive.
DALEK: Inform the Emperor that his message has been received.
DALEK 2: I obey.
DALEK: You will now explain the working of the TARDIS to my scientist.
THE DOCTOR: I shall do nothing of the sort.
DALEK 1: Obey the Daleks or you will be exterminated.
THE DOCTOR: Oh no I won't. Not unless you're prepared to defy the Emperor's order.
DALEK 1: The Emperor's order applies only to you, Doctor. He said nothing of your companions.
(THE DOCTOR is forced to back down. Laughter.)
DALEK 1: Speak, Doctor, or I shall exterminate them.
THE DOCTOR: Very well. I agree.
DALEK 2: Shall I re-establish the force-field?
THE DOCTOR: If you do I can show you nothing. How can I explain the TARDIS's workings if you immobilise it?
(One DALEK swings its eye stalk round to face the other then back to THE DOCTOR.)
THE DOCTOR: Yes, precisely.
(Some laughter.)
DALEK 1: Your companions will be taken to the prison area.
THE DOCTOR: Oh no. I shall divulge no information unless I can see for myself that my companions remain unharmed.
DALEK: Continue.
THE DOCTOR: All right. Out of the way, let the dog see the rabbit.
(Laughter. DR sees a DALEK in the TARDIS control room and wires hanging out from a control panel.)
THE DOCTOR: Jumping Jehosophat, what's going on here?
DALEK SCIENTIST: I am investigating the workings of the TARDIS.
THE DOCTOR: Investigating? Butchering more like. Don't you realise the harm you could do with this ignorant tinkering of yours? Isn't that so? Tell him, Jason.
JASON: Oh, absolutely. Why, you could ... you could...
CRYSTAL: You could totally discombobulate the oojimaflip.
JASON: That's right. You could d... do what she said.
THE DOCTOR: Clearly you don't realise the danger. Well, the power source in the TARDIS could ... could absolutely destroy this battle cruiser of yours, blow it up to atomic particles.
DALEK 1: This action was not authorised.
DALEK SCIENTIST: It is the duty of a Dalek scientist to learn the secrets of the TARDIS.
THE DOCTOR: Ambitious, eh? Trying to get a jump on his fellow Daleks, I suppose.
(Some laughter.)
DALEK 1: Resume your duties on the flight deck. Your insubordinate conduct will be reported to the Emperor.
(The eye stick of the reprimanded DALEK SCIENTIST droops. Audience laughter and applause. The DALEK SCIENTIST glides out.)
DALEK 1: Doctor, you will now demonstrate the functions of the TARDIS, to me.
THE DOCTOR: Before I demonstrate anything I shall have to repair it. I mean, just look at the damage that that meddling minion of yours has done. Look what he's done to this cable - he's broken it off.
DALEK 1: What is its function?
THE DOCTOR: Come a little closer, see for yourself.
THE DOCTOR: Come on, closer.
(As the DALEK glides over, THE DOCTOR jabs the cable into its casing. The lights go on and off and there is electrical fizzing.)
DALEK 1: Emergency, emergency, emergency!
THE DOCTOR: Don't just stand there, let's get out of here.
(The others help to push the DALEK out of the TARDIS.)
DALEK 1: I am under attack. Assist, assist, assist!
THE DOCTOR: Come on, old girl. Don't let me down now.
(TARDIS doors closed.)
THE DOCTOR: Come on, come on, come on.
CRYSTAL: Well done, Doctor!
JASON: The way you bluffed those Daleks into believing the TARDIS was in a dangerous condition...
THE DOCTOR: What makes you think I was bluffing?
CRYSTAL: Doctor, you're not serious?
THE DOCTOR: I'm very serious. You'd be amazed how much damage that dratted Dalek has done. Considering he's only equipped with a lavatory plunger and an egg whisk.
(Laughter and applause.)
THE DOCTOR: Zog, get me my tool box.
(ZOG rushes over to fetch the blue metal tool box from the shelf of a white storage cabinet. CRYSTAL goes to rest on the floor, lying against the plinth underneath the six-sided console.)
JASON: Can you fix it, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: I can fix anything, you know that, given time. But first of all I have to put the old girl onto E.D.S.
CRYSTAL: What's E.D.S.?
JASON: The Emergency Displacement System. It's a sort of automatic pilot.
CRYSTAL: What's that do?
JASON: Takes us as far from the source of danger as possible, and puts us down somewhere perfectly safe.
CRYSTAL: That'll be the day.
(JASON takes a cloak from the same place ZOG found the tool box, and gives the cloak to CRYSTAL as a makeshift bedsheet while she is resting.)
THE DOCTOR: Hey, you be careful with that cloak. That was a present to me from Dick Turpin.
THE DOCTOR: Zog, hand me the calufraginite borogradium terminal, there's a good chap.
(Laughter as ZOG selects a hammer from the box.)
THE DOCTOR: That's not it. It's about that big.

KARL: There's a message from your battle cruiser. The Doctor has escaped.
EMPEROR DALEK: Alert all Dalek patrols. The Doctor is to be found and brought to Skaro alive.
CYBERLEADER: So your plan has failed, mercenary?
KARL: Don't blame me. I flushed him out of Delilah's for you. Not my fault if he escapes afterwards.
EMPEROR DALEK: The Doctor must be found without delay. He must be recaptured.
KARL: What makes the Doctor so important to you?
EMPEROR DALEK: That does not concern you. Do not question the Daleks.
KARL: You've already got the envoy, the peace conference is endangered. We'll find the Doctor eventually. What's the rush?
EMPEROR DALEK: The Doctor must be recaptured. Find him. Find him. Find him.

(TARDIS console room. Console bleep to indicate landing. THE DOCTOR is seated working.)
JASON: Well, we've arrived. Somewhere.
(CRYSTAL, still resting against the lower part of the console, starts to get up.)
JASON: How's it going, Doctor? Nearly finished?
THE DOCTOR: Barely started would be more accurate. Ah. No. Now that we've landed we'll soon get things sorted out. Won't we, Zog?
(CRYSTAL puts the cloak back in the storage cupboard.)
THE DOCTOR: Old Zog here's been a very great help to me. I'll get you a carrot in a minute.
(ZOG claps his hands excitedly.)
CRYSTAL: Where are we, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: I've no idea where we are, or when for that matter. Most of the instruments are still on the blink.
(ZOG puts the tool box away.)
THE DOCTOR: Still, wherever it is we've landed, rest assured it'll be somewhere perfectly safe.
JASON: Well, there's only one way to find out.
(JASON hits the control to open the door. CRYSTAL rushes over to the opening doors.)
CRYSTAL: Hang on, I'll come as well. Are you coming, Zog?
(ZOG finds the cloak CRYSTAL put away earlier, and runs around with it over his head squealing excitedly - his way of saying "no.")
CRYSTAL: Are you sure it'll be safe, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: Yes, absolutely.
(CRYSTAL leaves.)
THE DOCTOR: Oh, Sarah Jane ... Er - Jo ... Erm...
JASON: Crystal.
THE DOCTOR: Crystal. I'll never remember her name.
(Some laughter.)
JASON: What? It's not dangerous out there, is it?
THE DOCTOR: It is an alien planet, Jason, and any alien planet should be treated with respect.

(Alien humming. Laser lights play across the landscape. CRYSTAL sings the song Sky High.)
CRYSTAL: (singing:) I don't know why I feel so good, your smile has set me free. I didn't think life ever could bring happiness to me. If I should say I love you, it might be just because I feel this way. Sky high, I wonder why I feel so good, it can't be real, but why should I fly, it's only when I know, in time our love will grow sky high. You taught me such a lot...
JASON: (singing:) You taught me such a lot...
CRYSTAL: (singing:) How to live my life again...
JASON: (singing:) How to live my life again...
CRYSTAL: (singing:) If ever we were parted, then please remember...
JASON/CRYSTAL: (singing:) When you said you thought you loved me, it may have been because you felt this way. Sky-high...
CRYSTAL: (singing:) I wonder why I feel...
JASON/CRYSTAL: (singing:) so good...
CRYSTAL: (singing:) It can't be real...
JASON/CRYSTAL: (singing:) ... But why should I fly, it's only when I know, in time our love will grow, sky high...
JASON: (singing:) I wonder why I feel so good, it can't be real, but why...
CRYSTAL: (singing:) Oh but why...
JASON/CRYSTAL: (singing:) ... should I fly, it's only when I know ... in time our love will grow ... sky high.
(Their voices are heavily echoed and therefore difficult to hear.)
CRYSTAL: One of the coolest tunes. I like the echo.
JASON: I like your singing. Is that what you sang at Number Ten?
CRYSTAL: It was what I was supposed to sing. My second number. But I never got that far - if you remember. A slight interruption to the proceedings. Isn't this beautiful? Oh, just incredibly beautiful. Mind you, I thought we'd all have been encircled though.
JASON: At least you've got a home to go to. Last time I went home they tried to cut my head off.
CRYSTAL: Who did? Where, why?
JASON: Revolutionary Tribunal, in Paris. I was a young aristocrat.
CRYSTAL: How did you get away?
JASON: The Doctor turned up and saved my neck, literally.
CRYSTAL: Oh, thank goodness. Hey, hold on a minute. The French Revolution was in Seventeen Eight-Nine. Are you trying to tell me you're over two hundred years old?
JASON: No, of course not. The TARDIS travels in time as well as space. The Doctor brought me from my time to this. And right at this moment, I'm very glad he did.
CRYSTAL: I wonder if there's anybody else around? Hello there? Anybody there?
JASON: Try yodelling. That'll wake 'em up.
CRYSTAL: Yodelling? You try.
JASON: Yodel-ay-ee-oh!
(CRYSTAL screams. Laser blasts from out of the sky towards them.)
JASON: Quick, back to the TARDIS!
(Laser blasts continue.)

(Inside the TARDIS control room.)
JASON: It was as if the whole place was attacking us.
CRYSTAL: The planet seemed to be angry, as if it was alive.
THE DOCTOR: Well, perhaps it was. Did you do something to annoy it?
CRYSTAL: Well, I sang - it didn't seem to mind that, then Jason yodelled.
THE DOCTOR: Well, there you are, then - Jason yodelling is enough to upset any planet.
(Some laughter.)
CRYSTAL: What do we do now, Doctor?
JASON: Whatever it is, we'd better get on with it. We must be running out of time, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: Well, we can do nothing until the TARDIS is functioning properly. We're still on a sort of test run, you know, using the EDS. Still, wherever it is we land, you can rest assured it'll be somewhere...
CRYSTAL:/JASON: Somewhere perfectly safe.
THE DOCTOR: Yes, exactly. Now, who's going out to find out?
CRYSTAL: It's not that we don't trust you, Doctor.
JASON: Look, do you have any idea at all when or where we are?
THE DOCTOR: Yes, at a rough guess I'd say Earth, and probably back in time rather than forward. That's my carefully-considered prognostication.
(THE DOCTOR touches the door control. TARDIS doors opened.)
THE DOCTOR: Off you go then. Find out if I'm right.
(JASON allows CRYSTAL to go out first.)
THE DOCTOR: Now then, Zog. Where are we? Where are we, where are we, where are we. Oh yes, I was right. Earth. Europe. France. Mm, definitely France.
(Some laughter.)
THE DOCTOR: And the, er, time? Seventeen Eighty-Nine.
(More laughter.)
THE DOCTOR: Seventeen Eighty ... Oh, zut alors, this is terrible. Don't you see?
(ZOG alien reply.)
THE DOCTOR: Oh, your education is sadly lacking. Seventeen Eighty-Nine is the date of the French Revolution. I've brought poor Jason back to the very time when they tried to cut off his head. He's for the chop! Ch-ch-ch-ch-chop!
(ZOG alarmed cries.)
THE DOCTOR: Yes, precisely.
(Some laughter.)

(Cheering from Revolutionary French. A guillotine stands in the middle with many excited French revolutionaries around it executing the aristocracy - a stage trick where a man's head is place in the guillotine, the blade falls and the head is apparently separated and falls into a basket.)
FRENCH MEN: Vive La France! Vive La France! Vive La France! Vive La France! Vive La France!
(Many talking at once.)
FRENCH MAN 1: Have a look at this guillotine...
FRENCH MAN 2: You're next. You're next, you scum.
(The guillotine blade falls. Many talking at once.)
FRENCH MAN: Okay girls, thank you so much.
REVOLUTIONARIES: Vive La France! Vive La France! Vive La France! Vive La France!
FRENCH MAN: Off with his head.
FRENCH MEN: Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood!
(Guillotine blade falls. A French Man wraps the head in a cloth. Cheers.)
JASON: Oh no!
REVOLUTIONARY GUARD: Marquis! Seize them!
JASON: Run for it, Crys!
(JASON rushes off but is held.)
REVOLUTIONARY GUARD: Well, well, well, Marquis. Did not get very far, did we?
(JASON struggles but to no avail. His hands are tied before him.)
REVOLUTIONARY GUARD: How do you like that? One minute he vanishes, pff! The next, he comes walking back in as cool as the cucumber. Do not worry, Marquis. We have saved a place for you. Madame Guillotine will not be disappointed.
(A woman appears from the left with a cloth over the head, blue shawl and white apron.)
WOMAN: His hair. I want a lock of his hair.
REVOLUTIONARY GUARD: What is that, old woman?
WOMAN: Oh, such a lovely young man. Can I have a lock of his hair to remember him by? I always like a nice souvenir of the good-looking ones.
(WOMAN is THE DOCTOR in disguise. Laughter.)
REVOLUTIONARY GUARD: Very well. He can spare it. And if you wait a few moments you can have the whole head full. (Laughs.)
(THE DOCTOR starts to cut part of JASON's hair then quickly cuts his bonds free. He throws one soldier. Another soldier pulls THE DOCTOR's head-covering disguise free.)
THE DOCTOR: Zog - the bomb, Zog!
(ZOG with CRYSTAL's help throws a device which causes an explosion at the guillotine. ZOG and CRYSTAL help to hold the soldiers back while THE DOCTOR moves off. Swordfight between JASON and a duelling guard and shouts while incidental music plays.)
THE DOCTOR: Let's go! Into the TARDIS.
(Swordfight between JASON and two soldiers while incidental music plays.)
THE DOCTOR: Jason, hurry up, for heaven's sake.
(One soldier is left and blocks JASON's way to the TARDIS.)
(A shot is fired and the guard falls. Incidental music plays as the laser lights show the Police Box travelling.)

(TARDIS doors close. Interior control room.)
THE DOCTOR: Oh Jason, I cannot tell you how sorry I am to have sent you out into such danger.
(CRYSTAL takes the sword from ZOG and puts it away.)
JASON: Never mind, Doctor. You got me out - again. Let's leave it at that, shall we? Third time may not be so lucky.
CRYSTAL: Are we taking off again, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: As soon as I can work out what's wrong with the EDS.
JASON: One might almost think it was working backwards.
THE DOCTOR: Yes. Yes, of course. How could I be so stupid?
(THE DOCTOR moves over to the other side of the console and checks underneath the panel.)
THE DOCTOR: Do you know what that idiot Dalek has done with his tinkering?
CRYSTAL: No, what?
THE DOCTOR: He's reversed the polarity of the neutron flow.
(Cheering and applause at this expression commonly associated with Jon Pertwee's Doctor, used by Jon to avoid reciting a long and complicated explanation but was really only heard in this form in The Sea Devils Episode Six.)
JASON: Is that bad?
THE DOCTOR: In this case, yes. Throwing the EDS into reverse made it seek danger instead of avoiding it.
JASON: Do you think you can fix it, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: Yes, of course I can.
CRYSTAL: That's what he said last time, and he was mistaken.
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, and the problem was so elementary it baffled me completely. Zog, give me my toolbox.
(ZOG moves off to collect the toolbox.)
JASON: Well, at least we won't be going into danger by accident any more.
CRYSTAL: Exactly. Next time we'll be doing it on purpose.
(Some laughter.)
JASON: There can't be very much time left, Doctor. How long before the peace conference is due to begin?
THE DOCTOR: Oh, in Earth terms, just a matter of hours.
CRYSTAL: Hours? But we still haven't rescued the envoy.
JASON: So, what are we going to do?
THE DOCTOR: We're going back to Madame Delilah's.
(ZOG alien protest.)
CRYSTAL: We only just got out of there alive last time.
THE DOCTOR: Only because Karl spread that ridiculous story about my having a price on my head. Still, I'll soon clear that up. I was just beginning to get somewhere with Madame Delilah.
CRYSTAL: Yes, Doctor. We noticed.

(Laser image of the Police Box travelling.)

(Bar scene but no aliens.)
JASON: Where is everybody?
CRYSTAL: I suppose even a mercenary bar has to close some time.
JASON: Maybe they're all just sleeping it off.
MADAME DELILAH: So, you've come back to me, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: Of course, dear lady. I thought it was time that we continued our rudely-interrupted conversation.
MADAME DELILAH: And you're here too, Zog. I suppose you want your old job back?
(ZOG protest of denial and rushes off from her.)
THE DOCTOR: You must forgive him, Madame Delilah, but I'm afraid Zog has abandoned your service for mine.
MADAME DELILAH: You'll never make a mercenary out of Zog. Still, you're not really a mercenary at all, are you, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: Not really, no.
MADAME DELILAH: I've been making a few enquiries about you since we met. A Time Lord, no less. One of the aristocratic elite of the cosmos. We really are honoured.
THE DOCTOR: A renegade Time Lord, Madame Delilah.
MADAME DELILAH: A renegade? Well, there's something we have in common.
THE DOCTOR: Even a renegade can do some good in the cosmos, so I thought I'd ask you to help me.
MADAME DELILAH: Help you do what?
THE DOCTOR: Save a faraway planet called Earth.
MADAME DELILAH: And where's the profit in that?
THE DOCTOR: No profit at all, I'm afraid.
MADAME DELILAH: But if I claim the million credits...
THE DOCTOR: Madame Delilah, if you've been making enquiries about me you will have learnt that the story that Karl was spreading around about my being a master criminal are completely untrue.
MADAME DELILAH: (laugh:) The master criminal part perhaps, but the million credit bounty is real enough.
THE DOCTOR: That's preposterous.
MADAME DELILAH: One million credits, no less, for handing you over alive to the Daleks. I like you Doctor, Really I do. But I'm a mercenary, and you know our motto.
THE DOCTOR: Yes. Business is business.
KARL: All right, Delilah. We'll take him now.
(KARL with the MARTIAL ARTS MERCENARY and DRACONIAN with DALEKS not far behind.)
MADAME DELILAH: Not till you hand over the bounty you won't.
KARL: The Daleks are good for it, you know that. Hand him over. I'll see you get your money.
MADAME DELILAH: Has working for the Daleks made you forget that you're a mercenary? You know the rules. Hand over the money and he's yours.
KARL: Delilah...
DALEK: We shall take the Doctor now.
DALEK 2: There will be no bounty.
MADAME DELILAH: What did you say?
KARL: No, don't say that. You mustn't. Tell her you'll pay.
DALEK: The Doctor was not captured by mercenaries.
DALEK 2: The Doctor was captured by this Dalek patrol.
DALEK: That is what we shall tell the Emperor.
KARL: Take all the credit you like, but don't try to cheat her. Never cheat a mercenary!
DALEK: Hand over the Doctor or you will be exterminated.
(As the DALEK glides forwards, MADAME DELILAH takes hold of the gun-stick and sucker-arm and tries to lead it off.)
THE DOCTOR: Get down!
(Cyberman gun firing. Dalek guns firing. Screams in the darkness as the various mercenaries are exterminated, ending with the DRACONIAN.)
THE DOCTOR: Right, into the TARDIS. Come on, quick.
MADAME DELILAH: Doctor, look out!
(She rushes in front between the DALEKS and the TARDIS as the Daleks fire.)
(Caught in the blast, she falls to the ground.)
KARL: Delilah! Why, you double-crossing, two-timing garbage...
(KARL grabs the DALEK, holding its gun-stick up, turns it and pushes it off, while THE DOCTOR sprays a canister of gas at the Dalek. The DALEK cries out as it glides backwards.)
KARL: You could have escaped.
THE DOCTOR: And you could have stuck to the winning side.
KARL: That stuff, what is it?
(He takes the canister from THE DOCTOR.)
THE DOCTOR: Carbon dioxide. Daleks can't stand cold.
(He goes over to cradle MADAME DELILAH who is lying on the floor.)
THE DOCTOR: Delilah.
MADAME DELILAH: It was a ... pleasure to meet you, Doctor. A pity we can't pursue our friendship.
THE DOCTOR: It was an honour to meet you , Madame Delilah. I owe you my life.
MADAME DELILAH: What was it you said? Even a renegade can do some good. Karl?
KARL: Yes, Delilah.
MADAME DELILAH: The Daleks tried to cheat me. Don't let them get away with it. After all, business...
(THE DOCTOR lets the femme fatale's body lie on the floor.)
KARL: What now, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: Revenge, or profit. It's time for you to decide, Karl.
(KARL nods, looks at the carbon dioxide canister and laughs. He aims his gun at THE DOCTOR.)

(Laser lights indicate the Police Box travelling.)

DALEK: That is the Space-Time craft of the one known as the Doctor.
DALEK 2: The Doctor is an enemy of the Daleks. If he emerges, we will exterminate him.
DALEK: The Doctor is to be taken alive.
DALEK 2: The door of the Space-Time craft is opening.
(THE DOCTOR comes out with JASON and CRYSTAL and a DALEK, and KARL.)
DALEK: What is happening? Report.
KARL: We've captured the Doctor's vehicle, and taken the Doctor and his companions prisoner.
DALEK: The Doctor is to be taken to the Emperor. Follow me.
DALEK: You will obey the Daleks.
KARL: I am obeying. Obeying the Emperor. New orders have been issued. The Doctor is an extremely dangerous prisoner. He's to be taken at once to the high security area.
DALEK: Obey your orders.
KARL: That's what I'm trying to do!
DALEK: Where is the other member of your patrol?
(DALEK 2 goes over to the DALEK that came out of the TARDIS.)
DALEK 2: What has become of the other Dalek in your patrol? Answer. Answer.
DALEK: (THE DOCTOR:) The other member was destroyed in battle when the Doctor was captured.
DALEK: Continue your mission.
(The DALEKS glide off. Audience laughter as they see THE DOCTOR has been speaking into a microphone.)
CRYSTAL: That was close. How did you do that?
THE DOCTOR: A little ventriloquism and this.
CRYSTAL: What does that do?
THE DOCTOR: (Dalek voice:) It lets you sound like a Dalek.
(Audience laughter. The DALEK is lifted up to reveal ZOG inside.)
JASON: How's it going in there, Zog?
(ZOG alien protest. The lid is put back over him.)
JASON: Never mind. Won't be long now. Better get a move on.
KARL: I don't know what the Emperor's plan is, but I do know there's a time limit. Time's running out.
(KARL pushes the DALEK to lead it away.)
THE DOCTOR: You don't have to come too, you know, Crys.
JASON: You'll be quite safe in the TARDIS. You can wait there till we get back with the envoy.
CRYSTAL: What sort of girl do you think I am? No. I'll see it through to the end, thanks.
JASON: Come on, then.
(JASON takes her hand and she runs off.)

(A circular spinning beam of laser light in which the US ENVOY is seated, trapped. Pulsating sounds as THE DOCTOR tries to break through the force field with his sonic screwdriver.)
THE DOCTOR: Ah! Hopeless. Absolutely hopeless.
JASON: Come on, Doctor. It's not like you to give up.
THE DOCTOR: Oh Jason, for heaven's sake, use your head. Why do you think they have no guards here? Because they don't need any, that's why. Nothing can break through that laser wall, nothing.
KARL: Look, there are still quite a few of my men on the base. They might help us. We could attack with explosives.
THE DOCTOR: No, no, it would be a useless waste of lives.
CRYSTAL: Doctor?
CRYSTAL: What's this?
(A small rectangular metal device.)
THE DOCTOR: I don't know. Let me take a look. Looks like some kind of recording device.
RECORDING: (EMPEROR DALEK:) I am the Emperor. You will obey.
RECORDING: (US ENVOY:) No. I won't do it. Do you hear me, I won't.
(Recording has cries of pain from the US ENVOY.)
THE DOCTOR: Poor devil.
JASON: The laser wall must be controlled from the Emperor's throne room. If I could get in there and switch it off you could get the envoy out.
THE DOCTOR: Through a base swarming with alarmed and angry Daleks? No, our only chance is to break through the laser wall from here, get the envoy out and into the TARDIS before the Daleks know what hit them.
CRYSTAL: But you just said that was impossible.
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, I - I know I did, but there must be a way - there is a way, but it's difficult and it's dangerous. And I've got to get back to the TARDIS first.
JASON: I'll wait here with Zog and keep an eye on the envoy.
KARL: I'll find my men, see if I can win 'em over.
CRYSTAL: I'll come with you. Standing around makes me nervous.
JASON: Maybe I will have a look around, just in case the Doctor's wrong about those guards. You wait here, all right, Zog?
(He briefly lifts up the middle section of the DALEK and we hear ZOG's alien sentence in reply.)
JASON: That's the idea.
(JASON moves off.)
KARL: Jason? Has the Doctor gone?
JASON: Yes, I think he's looking for an alternate route back to the TARDIS.
KARL: Ah, I should have warned him. He's got to stay clear of the storage area. It's crawling with Daleks.
JASON: I'll find him and tell him.
(He starts to move off to the right.)
KARL: Hey ... It's safer this way.
(JASON follows KARL off to the left.)

(Dalek control room.)
DALEK: The second patrol sent to Madame Delilah's bar has now reported.
DALEK 2: The Emperor must be informed.
DALEK: They found the missing Dalek patrol. Both Daleks were dead. One Dalek body casing was missing.
DALEK 2: The mercenary leader Karl returned to the base with a Dalek. The Doctor and his companions were with him as prisoners, but no prisoners have been handed through the security section.
DALEK: Karl is a traitor to the Daleks. The Doctor and his companions are loose on the base, accompanied by an impostor Dalek. Alert all patrols. The search must be concentrated in the security area.
DALEK: I obey.

CRYSTAL: Doctor, this isn't the way back to the TARDIS. We're lost.
THE DOCTOR: No, rubbish. I'm just taking a shortcut to avoid the Dalek patrols, that's all.
CRYSTAL: What is this place?
THE DOCTOR: Looks like some sort of storage area. Even the Daleks need supplies, you know.
(CRYSTAL walks round a column, then a Dalek Voice is heard:)
DALEK VOICE: Emergency. Emergency. Message to all patrols.
THE DOCTOR: Go, quick, hide! Hurry!
(He hides himself behind a column.)
DALEK VOICE: The Doctor and his companions are on the base. An impostor Dalek is with them. Emergency.
(She climbs inside a nearby crate and crouches down inside it, but is spotted.)
DALEK: The Doctor's companion is hiding in a storage crate.
DALEK 2: Activate the hoist.
(Machinery operates, and the crate with CRYSTAL is hoisted up.)
DALEK: Let us exterminate her.
(Dalek guns firing. The bottom of the crate falls down to show that no-one is inside it.)
DALEK: The fugitive has escaped. The fugitive has escaped. We must find her.
(They move off. THE DOCTOR appears.)
THE DOCTOR: Oh well. That foxed them.
(CRYSTAL appears from the left, out of the crate and unharmed.)
CRYSTAL: It foxed me as well.
(The audience laugh.)
CRYSTAL: How did you do that?
THE DOCTOR: Just a simple illusion, my dear.
[It is done by her walking round one side of a column and going offstage to be replaced by a lookalike Crystal coming out of the other side of the column. With her back to the audience the lookalike hides in the crate which is then lifted up. The lookalike climbs out onto a stage rafter higher up in the darkness unseen so that the crate is empty and the real Crystal can then walk back on stage.]
CRYSTAL: I suppose you studied with Houdini.
THE DOCTOR: No, to be strictly accurate, Houdini studied with me .
(Audience laughter.)
JASON: Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: Jason, what on earth are you doing here?
JASON: I came to look for you. Karl said to warn...
DALEK VOICE: There is an impostor Dalek on the base. All lone Daleks are to be challenged for recognition signal. Any Dalek who does not give correct recognition signal will be exterminated.
JASON: I'd better get back to Zog.
THE DOCTOR: We'd better get back to the TARDIS. Come on, Crys. You'd better wait outside. I'm about to attempt a rather dangerous experiment involving temporal energy.
(Door closed. Noises start up.)
CRYSTAL: Doctor? Doctor, are you all right?
(She opens the doors and there is a glowing light from within and the whirring noises continue, then stop.)

(The US ENVOY is seated in the spinning circle and two DALEKS approach the impostor DALEK.)
DALEK: You will give the recognition signal. This is your final warning. Obey. This is their impostor Dalek. Exterminate him.
(Dalek guns fire. Laser lights indicate extermination, and smoke rises from the DALEK that contained Zog.)
DALEK: We have exterminated the impostor Dalek. Let us hunt for the fugitives.
(They glide off, and CRYSTAL and JASON rush over to the DALEK.)
CRYSTAL: What happened?
JASON: They got poor Zog. Just sat there, didn't even try to escape. Too panicky, I suppose.
CRYSTAL: Oh no, not Zog.
(ZOG rushes in from the right and speaks in his alien language.)
THE DOCTOR: He said he got scared hiding in there, so he went round the corner and hid.
JASON: Oh, Zog.
THE DOCTOR: Here. Now, pay attention everyone. I'm about to begin.
JASON: Begin what?
THE DOCTOR: The creation of a time tunnel. The only thing that's going to get us through that laser wall.
CRYSTAL: What are you going to do, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: Well, I filled the crystal on the end of this pendant with concentrated temporal energy from the TARDIS. Now, if I do manage to get through, it's going to be very unstable, so I want you to stand by with the pendant.
CRYSTAL: All right.
THE DOCTOR: Jason and I will get the envoy out.
JASON: What happens if the time tunnel collapses with us inside, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: You wouldn't want to know. Here we go.
(Noises start up as THE DOCTOR swings the pendant and a smoke-filled funnel of light descends over the spinning circle which THE DOCTOR travels through.)
THE DOCTOR: Can you see him? Where are you? Right . Ah, there you are. Come on, out you come. Don't be afraid of the light. Don't be frightened. That's it. Crys? Crys? Bring the pendant. Come on, that's it. Come on. That's it. Well done. Well done, everybody, well done.
(Applause as the US ENVOY is now free and the circular tunnel and funnel of light disappear. KARL appears.)
KARL: Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: It's all right Karl, we don't need your help any more, we made it.
KARL: I'm afraid I didn't.
CRYSTAL: What do you mean?
THE DOCTOR: I think I know.
KARL: The Daleks caught me.
(DALEKS glide onto the scene.)
KARL: They made me an offer. That million credit bounty for taking you alive, or my extermination if I didn't. You know how it is.
(He aims his gun at THE DOCTOR.)
THE DOCTOR: Yes, I know. Business is business. You know Karl, you're just a mercenary after all. For a brief moment there, I thought you were something else.
KARL: Shall we go, Doctor?
(THE DOCTOR as a prisoner walks off.)

(Dalek control room background.)
EMPEROR DALEK: Doctor, this is your ultimate defeat.
THE DOCTOR: I'm not defeated until I'm dead, Emperor. And for some strange reason, you don't seem to want that.
EMPEROR DALEK: Death would be too easy a fate for you, Doctor. First we shall force you to witness the destruction of your beloved Earth.
THE DOCTOR: That always rankles, doesn't it? So many attempts to conquer Earth, and yet so many failures.
EMPEROR DALEK: This time there will be no failure, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: What makes you so sure?
EMPEROR DALEK: You will understand eventually, Doctor, I promise you, when it is too late.
THE DOCTOR: May a humble prisoner ask a humble question?
THE DOCTOR: Why did you need mercenaries and Cybermen as your allies? Surely the all-powerful Daleks have no need for outside help?
EMPEROR DALEK: The Cybermen and their mercenaries are our dupes. They will be blamed for the destruction of the Earth by the Galactic Council. When we are done with them, they will be exterminated.
THE DOCTOR: So, they're no more than just handy dupes, eh?
EMPEROR DALEK: Precisely, Doctor.
(THE DOCTOR has been surreptitiously recording this conversation onto a device which he puts into his pocket.)
THE DOCTOR: Thank you. What happens now?
EMPEROR DALEK: Let our allies enter. Doctor, you are now a captive of the Daleks.
(KARL and Cybermen and the Doctor's companions enter.)
KARL: The Emperor wishes you all to know that the Doctor has finally been defeated. He will remain a prisoner of the Daleks, for ever!
THE DOCTOR: Oh no. Quite wrong. I took the liberty of recording a part of my conversation with the Emperor just now. I'd like you all to hear it.
(He takes the recording device from his pocket and plays it.)
RECORDER: (EMPEROR DALEK:) The Cybermen and the mercenaries are our dupes.
(Winding forwards.)
RECORDER: (EMPEROR DALEK:) When we are done with them, they will be exterminated.
CYBERLEADER: Cybermen, we have been betrayed. Attack!
KARL: We're being attacked! Run for it, Doctor!
(Cybermen guns fire. Various guns firing indicated by laser lights, fading to black as the firing continues.)

DOWNING STREET PA: Ladies and gentlemen we have received final security clearance, and wish to inform you that the Prime Minister and the American peace envoy will be joining us shortly for the opening ceremony of the peace conference, and we would appreciate if all delegates would kindly take their seats now.

(JASON, CRYSTAL, THE DOCTOR and ZOG in the office of the seated MRS THATCHER.)
MRS THATCHER: Thank you, Doctor, thank you. We owe you and all your friends a very great debt.
CRYSTAL: How is the envoy?
MRS THATCHER: Tired, naturally my dear, but ready and able to go on. Now, if you'll forgive me? As you can hear, the conference is about to begin.
(She stands, takes her handbag and strides off.)
CRYSTAL: I'd better be getting back to my Number Ten. I'm already late for rehearsal. I guess you and the Doctor will be off again soon?
JASON: I guess we will.
CRYSTAL: What's the matter, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: What? Nothing, nothing.
CRYSTAL: I'll be off, then. You'll come and see the show tonight and say goodbye?
THE DOCTOR: Yes. Yes, of course.
(CRYSTAL moves off, leaving JASON, ZOG seated on the floor playing with the teapot, and THE DOCTOR who is sitting on a chair, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.)
JASON: Cheer up, Doctor. We won.
THE DOCTOR: Yes, we won. We won too easily, though.
JASON: If you call what we went through easy.
THE DOCTOR: Well, there was danger. But there were so many times when the Daleks could have killed me or had me killed, and yet they didn't. Why did they want me alive? And why was the Emperor Dalek so convinced that this conference would be blown up?
JASON: Do you think somebody's planted a bomb?
THE DOCTOR: No, it's impossible. Security will have checked and re-checked every square inch for miles.
JASON: Well then?
THE DOCTOR: The Emperor said that I'd find out and understand his plan eventually. At the last moment, he said. It's almost as if I were a part of it.
JASON: But how could you be part of the Daleks' plans, Doctor? All you've done is return the envoy to Downing Street in time for the peace conference.
THE DOCTOR: Yes. Yes, that's exactly what I've done. And exactly what the Daleks wanted.
(He stands and dials a number on the telephone on the desk.)
JASON: What?
THE DOCTOR: Wait a minute. Conference room, please. Hello, Conference Room? Yes, I've an urgent message for the American pea... peace envoy. Yes, will you tell him to report to the Prime Minister's office at once, please. Thank you.
(He replaces the receiver.)
JASON: But I still don't understand, Doctor. Why would the Daleks want the envoy returned to Earth?
THE DOCTOR: I haven't time to explain now. It'll all become quite clear in a moment.
(The US ENVOY appears from the right.)
US ENVOY: Oh. I understood the Prime Minister wanted to see me.
THE DOCTOR: Er - yes, she does, and she'll be here in just one moment. I was wondering whether I could have a private word with you myself.
US ENVOY: Well, I'm more than grateful for all you've done for me Doctor, but my time is very limited. Later, perhaps.
(He is about to walk off but stops as THE DOCTOR uses his voice changing device.)
THE DOCTOR: (Dalek voice:) What is your mission?
(US ENVOY stands, hands by his sides, speaking in a monotone.)
US ENVOY: I must destroy the human enemies of the Daleks.
THE DOCTOR: (Dalek voice:) How will this be achieved?
US ENVOY: I will detonate this device as the peace conference begins.
(He takes out the device from his pocket.)
THE DOCTOR: A Dalekenium neutron bomb. Powerful enough to take out the whole of Central London. (Dalek voice:) What is the final stage of the plan?
US ENVOY: Forged evidence has been planted. Each world power will blame the others and war will begin. The Daleks will invade and rule when the war is over. I must set the timing device.
(He is about to press it.)
THE DOCTOR: (Dalek voice:) Stop! Your mission has been cancelled. I repeat, cancelled. Give me the bomb. Obey the Daleks or you will be exterminated.
(The US ENVOY presses the device. The countdown timer bleeps. THE US ENVOY cries out and sits on the seat, head bowed, holding his hands to his head.)
THE DOCTOR: He's set the timer going.
JASON: How long do we have?
THE DOCTOR: About twenty-five seconds.
(Audience laughter.)
JASON: Can't you switch it off?
THE DOCTOR: No. The timing device is too delicate. There's only one way to defuse it. That's a high-temperature solution of H2O and tannic acid.
JASON: Where are we going to find that in ten seconds?
(ZOG brings over the teapot. Some laughter.)
THE DOCTOR: Right here, in a good strong pot of tea.
(THE DOCTOR drops the device into it. Laughter and applause. The device is dropped into the metallic pot. MRS THATCHER reappears.)
MRS THATCHER: Doctor, what on earth is going on?
THE DOCTOR: The peace envoy is undergoing a temporary catatonic withdrawal, Prime Minister.
MRS THATCHER: But the conference is about to begin. His presence is vital. Can't you help him?
THE DOCTOR: Well, I may be able to, Prime Minister, by hypnotically removing the Dalek brainwashing. Now then old chap, how would you like to hear a lovely old Venusian lullaby?
(Some laughter. THE DOCTOR holds out the crystal on a string he had earlier and swings it before the eyes of the US ENVOY.)
THE DOCTOR: Now, just watch this crystal very slowly. Just follow it with your eyes.
(THE DOCTOR sings the lullaby to the tune of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen, his favoured method for hypnotising Aggedor, the Royal Beast of Peladon.)
THE DOCTOR: Klokleda partha mennin klatch, aroon, aroon, aroon...
MRS THATCHER: Really, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: Margaret, please!
(Applause by the audience at someone talking back to Mrs Thatcher.)
THE DOCTOR: Klokleda partha meerinatch, aroon, aroon, aroon.
ZOG: Ooh!
(ZOG slumps to the ground, hypnotised.)
THE DOCTOR: Aroon, aroon, aroon. Aroon, aroon, aroon.
(The US ENVOY stands, cured.)
US ENVOY: There you are, Prime Minister. It's time to go. You know, all of a sudden, I'm just positive that this pea... peace conference is going to be the most tremendous success.
(He walks off.)
MRS THATCHER: Well, we're certainly glad we managed to sort that one out.
(Laughter and applause.)

(JASON watching from the back as CRYSTAL sings to her crowd. Also watching are THE DOCTOR and the MC.)
CRYSTAL: (singing:) I wonder why I feel so good, it can't be real, but why should I fly, it's only when I know, in time our love will grow sky high.
(Applause. She comes backstage while the MC goes back on stage.)
CRYSTAL: I didn't think you'd make it.
JASON: Oh, wouldn't have missed it for the world. You were wonderful.
CRYSTAL: I saw the News. The peace conference went well. They reckon the American envoy made the speech of his life.
THE DOCTOR: Well, once the strain of carrying out his mission was complete, it wasn't difficult to remove the rest of the Dalek brainwashing. Mark you, I may have added a little extra confidence myself.
CRYSTAL: (slight laugh.) Doctor?
CRYSTAL: Can I have a word with you?
THE DOCTOR: Yes of course you can.
JASON: Erm - I'll make sure Zog's all right. He must be feeling a bit left out.
(JASON moves off. CRYSTAL sits down and THE DOCTOR comes over to her.)
THE DOCTOR: What is it, Crystal?
CRYSTAL: It's about Jason.
THE DOCTOR: You know how he feels about you, don't you?
CRYSTAL: He hasn't said anything.
THE DOCTOR: Well, he may find that hard. Tell me, do you know how you feel about him?
CRYSTAL: I think so. I'm not sure.
THE DOCTOR: He's from another country, another culture, another time, even.
CRYSTAL: You're saying it wouldn't work?
THE DOCTOR: I'm saying no such thing, but I'm saying you must make up your own mind whether you want to take the risk. Everybody must. I've had many companions in the TARDIS over the years. Ian and Barbara, Sarah Jane Smith. Jo Grant.
(Some cheering at this.)
THE DOCTOR: But you know...
THE DOCTOR: We travelled together in the TARDIS round the galaxy, and then they all upped and left me, and went off to find their own happiness. Most of them, I'm glad to say, seemed to find it.
CRYSTAL: Do you miss them?
THE DOCTOR: Miss them? Every single day.
(He holds her cheek and she kisses his hand.)
CRYSTAL: Goodbye Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: Goodbye, Crystal.
(CRYSTAL walks off in one direction while THE DOCTOR walks off in another.)
THE DOCTOR: Good luck.
(CRYSTAL waits, then JASON comes over to her.)
JASON: Crystal? Come with us, please?
CRYSTAL: Look Jason, I like you very much, I really do. We've had some amazing times together ... but things are going right for me now. I can't give up my career to go gallivanting round the universe.
JASON: No, I can see that. Just wouldn't be reasonable.
CRYSTAL: So we'd better say goodbye, and get it over with.
JASON: Goodbye, Crys.
CRYSTAL: Goodbye, Jason.
(They shake hands and she kisses his cheek.)
MC: And now, ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together and welcome back the fabulous Crystal!
(Music playing.)
JASON: Dance, everyone.
(CRYSTAL rushes to the stage, but stops halfway up the steps, turns back to JASON and they embrace. THE DOCTOR returns and sees them.)
THE DOCTOR: Jason? Oh, I see.
CRYSTAL: You don't look very surprised.
THE DOCTOR: You know, there's one thing I like about you humans - you're very seldom predictable.
THE DOCTOR: Jason? Are you staying, or is she coming with us?
JASON: Well?
CRYSTAL: I'm coming with you, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: Are you sure?
CRYSTAL: Positive.
(ZOG comes over and speaks in an alien sentence.)
THE DOCTOR: Come on, then.
CRYSTAL: Where to?
JASON: Not to mention when.
THE DOCTOR: I haven't the faintest idea. But after all, isn't that half the fun?
(They exit stage left. Applause.)

(The Ultimate Adventure theme music while the laser hologram shows the spinning TARDIS. The Doctor and his friends are on their way to new adventures. Applause.)

(The Number Ten Nightclub background music plays while the entire cast take their bows. They leave two at a time on either end, then finally the actors playing MADAME DELILAH and KARL, then JASON and CRYSTAL at the end take a bow and leave, until Jon Pertwee who was in the middle is left to take a solo bow, the lights are dimmed briefly, then the whole cast reassemble into a line once again, and take their final bows. After the curtain comes down, it ends with the Doctor Who closing theme music composed by Ron Grainer.)

(CAST: The Doctor - Jon Pertwee. Jason - Graeme Smith. Crystal - Rebecca Thornhill. Karl - David Banks. Madame Delilah & Mrs Thatcher - Judith Hibbert. US Envoy & Hairy Alien & Dalek Scientist - Christopher Beaumont. M.C. - David Bingham. Cyberleader & Draconian - Wolf Christian. Zog - Stephanie Colburn. Dalek & Downing Street PA - Oliver Gray. Dalek & Waitress - Deborah Hecht. Dalek & Ant Person - Claudia Kelly. Mercenary - Alison Reddihough. Chief Dalek & Chicken-Headed Alien - Paula Tappenden. Duelling Guard - Terry Walsh. Vervoid & Dalek - David Bingham. Emperor Dalek & Martial Arts Mercenary - Troy Webb. Dalek Voices - Chris Beaumont and Troy Webb. Cybermen Voices - Oliver Gray.)
(CREDITS: Written by Terrance Dicks. Creative Consultant - John Nathan-Turner. Lyrics by Carole Todd and music by Steven Edis. Company and Stage Manager & Lighting - Chris Boyle. Laser System by Laser Grafix Ltd. Laser Design by Steve Playford. Settings built by Suffolk Scenery. Sound Operator - Jeremy Dunn. Sound Equipment by Stage Electrics. Orchestra Manager - Bill Occleshaw. Flying by Foy. Weapons by John Priest. Masks by Susan Moore & Stephen Mansfield. Costume Design by Yvonne Milnes. Wardrobe Care - Lever Brothers. Cybermen created by Kit Pedler & Gerry Davis. Daleks created by Terry Nation. Vervoids created by Pip and Jane Baker. Draconians created by Malcolm Hulke. Designer - Paul Staples. Directed by Carole Todd. Presented by Mark Furness Ltd, John Newman for Barry O'Brien (1968) Ltd, Dina and Alexander E Racolin and Martin Birrane.)

(Transcribed by David Tait, with additional material by Robin Bland.)

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