Mudd's Women
Stardate: 1329.8
Original Airdate: 13 Oct, 1966

Captain's log, Stardate 1329.8. The U.S.S. Enterprise in pursuit of an unidentified vessel.

[Bridge]

SULU: There he is, sir. Centre screen. Still trying to run away from us, sir.
KIRK: Don't lose him, Mister Sulu.
SULU: No, sir.
KIRK: Earth ship, Mister Spock?
SPOCK: Difficult to say, Captain. We're getting no registration beam from it.
SCOTT: If it is, he'll soon overload his engines.
SPOCK: Sir, he's pushing his engines too hard.
SULU: Changing course again. He knows we're after him all right.
KIRK: Stay with him, Mister Sulu. Communication?
UHURA: I've tried all frequencies, sir. He refuses to answer. Unless he's not receiving us.
KIRK: He's receiving us alright.
SPOCK: Approaching an asteroid belt, Captain. Schiller rating three five.
KIRK: Deflectors on, Mister Farrell.
SULU: He's seen the asteroids too, sir.
KIRK: Stay with him. He'll try to lose us in them.
SULU: If one hits him.
SPOCK: Sensor reading on the vessel. I make it out as a small class J cargo ship, and his engines are super-heating.
KIRK: Try to warn him. If he loses power now
FARRELL: There go his engines, sir.
SULU: He's drifting into the asteroid belt, Captain.
FARRELL: He's had it, unless we put our deflector screen around him.
SCOTT: Captain, if we try, we'll overload our own engines. He's too far away.
KIRK: Cover him with our deflector screen, Mister Farrell. Scotty, Spock, stand by in the transporter room.
SCOTT: Aye, sir. (they leave)
FARRELL: We're protecting him, sir. We won't be able to hold it long.
SULU: We're overloading, Captain. Engine temperatures climbing.
CREWMAN [OC]: This is the Engine room. Temperatures are passing the danger line.
FARRELL Our deflector screen's weakening, sir. We can't protect them much longer. (lights flicker)
SULU: That was one of our lithium crystal circuits, sir.
KIRK: Bridge to transporter room. If you don't start beaming that crew over soon
SCOTT [OC]: They're not answering our signal. There's nothing to lock onto.
SULU (lights go out again) Another circuit, sir.
UHURA: I'm getting a distress signal call from them, sir.
KIRK: Scotty, we're getting a distress signal.

[Transporter room]

SCOTT: We're locked onto something, Captain.
MUDD: Meaning no ingratitude, gentlemen, but just where is it I find meself?
MCCOY: You're aboard the U.S.S. Enterprise.
MUDD: It's really a darn beautiful ship, isn't it? Really a beautiful ship. Oh, the name, gentlemen, is Walsh, Captain Leo Walsh.
SPOCK: How many more in your crew?
MUDD: Just a few more.
SCOTT: Your vessel's breaking up, man. If we don't get them over here right now
MUDD: We couldn't be sure you was a friendly vessel, now could we. Ah, but the three will be in position about by now.

[Bridge]

SULU: Another lithium circuit. Now supplementing with battery power, sir.
KIRK: Scotty, how many of them did you get aboard?
SCOTT [OC]: Only one, sir, but we've locked onto three more.

[Transporter room]

SPOCK: What's wrong?
SCOTT: I don't know, sir. With those three lithium crystals gone
SPOCK: It'll take longer on battery power.
MCCOY: Never trusted this.

[Bridge]

FARRELL: There she goes.
SULU: Asteroid hit him dead centre.

[Transporter room]

KIRK [OC]: Bridge to transporter room. Their vessel has been hit by an asteroid. It's gone. Did you get the crew off?
SCOTT: Not yet, sir, but we've hooked onto something. (three women beam in, the men are transfixed)
KIRK [OC]: Kirk to transporter room. Report.
MUDD: It's all right, darlings. We're in good hands.

[Bridge]

KIRK: Bridge to transporter room.
FARRELL: We're clearing the asteroid belt now, Captain.
KIRK: Deflector screen down, Mister Farrell. Save the power.

[Transporter room]

KIRK [OC]: Captain to transporter room. Are you reading me or not, Mister Scott? Bridge to transporter room. How many did we get off?
SCOTT: Oh, er, four in all, sir.
KIRK [OC]: If that captain can walk, I want him in my cabin immediately. Correction,

[Bridge]

KIRK: I want him there whether he can walk or not. Kirk out.

[Transporter room]

MUDD: That fellow sounded a mite upset, didn't he?
MCCOY: Yes. Yes, they are.
SPOCK: Curious. You're certain this was everyone aboard, Mister Walsh? No other crewmen?
MUDD: Oh, no, that's everyone, all right, but so far as the ladies actually being the crew
SPOCK: You can explain that to the Captain. (the group leave)
MCCOY: Amen to that, Scotty.

[Corridor]

MUDD: Ah, sure, these starships are really something marvellous, but men will always be men no matter where they are. Eh, mister? You'll never take that out of them.

[Turbolift]

SPOCK: Deck twelve.
MUDD: You're part Vulcanian, aren't you. Ah well then, a pretty face doesn't affect you at all, does it. That is, unless you want it to. You can save it, girls. This type can turn himself off from any emotion.
EVE: I apologise for what he said, sir. He's used to buying and selling people.
MUDD: I'll handle the conversation, darling.

[Captain's quarters]

KIRK: Come.
SPOCK: The Commander of the transport to see you, Captain.
KIRK: Good. Now, if you don't mind telling
EVE: Hello.
KIRK: And the ladies? Is this your crew, Captain?
MUDD: Well, no, Captain. This is me cargo.

Captain's log, Stardate 1329.1. We've taken aboard from unregistered transport vessel its captain and, and three unusual females. These women have a mysterious magnetic effect on the male members of my crew, including myself. Explanation unknown at present.

[Captain's quarters]

MUDD: Well, how the devil am I supposed to know this is a starship, Captain? Here I am with a cargo of young lovelies. A strange ship comes up alongside. Well. naturally I did my best to evade you. And starship Captain or no, you exceeded your authority when you drove me and mine into a shower of asteroids.
KIRK: Your name, please.
MUDD: Walsh. Leo Walsh. You destroyed me ship, Captain.
KIRK: Mister Walsh, I'm convening a ship's hearing on your actions. Mister Spock will supply you with any legal information you may need for your defence.
MUDD: You're a hard-nosed one, Captain.
KIRK: And you're a liar, Mister Walsh. I think we both understand each other. Security! Escort Mister Walsh to his quarters. Confine him there.

[Bridge]

SULU: You're on duty, Johnny-o. Back to reality.
FARRELL: You can feel their eyes when they look at you, like something grabbing hold of you. Did you notice that?
SULU: I noticed. How I noticed. Come on, Johnny.
SCOTT: We've got trouble, Mister Spock.
SPOCK: I'm well aware of that, Mister Scott.
SCOTT: One lithium crystal left, and that with a hairline split at the base.
SPOCK: Better rig a by-pass circuit.
SCOTT: Can't. We blew the whole converter assembly.
KIRK [OC]: Kirk here.
SPOCK: Needed on the bridge, Captain.

[Briefing room]

WOMEN: Harry! Where were you?
MUDD: Shh! Calm down now, darlings. Would you mind waiting outside?
SECURITY: Sorry, sir.
MUDD: Well, now, answer every question they put to you. Don't lie. Well, you've no need to, have you, and don't submit to a med. That is, being so healthy, they've no need for a medical exam, have they.
RUTH: What if they ask about
MUDD: They won't. Have you no place to go lads?
MAGDA: They'll notice we're different.
MUDD: No, no, no, they won't. Just let Leo take all the hard questions. Now don't be panicking, loves. We'll get to
EVE: Get where? We don't have a ship and we're headed the wrong way, Harry.
NUDD: Leo. Leo Walsh is me name, darling. Don't forget that. So lovely. Lovely, aren't they? If they only think lovely thoughts, if they smile, they'll come out right some which way, won't they? My personal guarantee on that.

[Bridge]

SPOCK: The entire ship's power is feeding through one lithium crystal.
KIRK: Well, switch to by-pass circuits.
SCOTT: We burned them all out when we super-heated. That jackass Walsh not only wrecked his vessel, but in saving his skin
KIRK: If it makes you feel better, Engineer, that's one jackass we're going to see skinned.
SCOTT: But it's frustrating. Almost a million gross tons of vessel depending on a hunk of crystal the size of my fist.
SPOCK: And that crystal won't hold up, not pulling all our power through it.
KIRK: Well, Mister Spock?
SPOCK: There's a lithium mining operation on Rigel 12. High-grade ore, I've heard.
KIRK: Location and distance.
SPOCK: Mister Farrell has the course. Less than two day's travel.
KIRK: Make for Rigel 12, Mister Spock.
SPOCK: Rigel 12, Mister Farrell. You have the course.

Captain's log, Stardate 1329.2. On board the U.S.S. Enterprise, a ship's hearing is being convened against the transport vessel's captain. I'm becoming concerned about the almost-hypnotic effect produced by the women.

[Briefing room]

KIRK: This hearing is convened. Stardate 1329.2, on board starship U.S.S. Enterprise. Formal hearings against transport captain Leo Walsh. Start computer.
SPOCK: State your name for the record.
MUDD: Leo Francis Walsh.
COMPUTER: Incorrect.
SPOCK: Your correct name.
MUDD: Gentlemen, surely you're not going to take the word of a soulless mechanical device over that of a real flesh and blood man.
SPOCK: State your correct name for the record.
MUDD: Harry Mudd.
COMPUTER: Incorrect.
MUDD: Harcourt Fenton Mudd.
SPOCK: Any past offenses, Mister Mudd?
MUDD: Of course not. Gentlemen, I'm simply an honest businessman.
COMPUTER: Incorrect.
MUDD: Blast that tin-plated pot.
COMPUTER: Full data coming on screen.
RUTH: If it can read our minds, too.
MUDD: It can't, darling. It can't. Just what's on the record.
COMPUTER: Offense record. Smuggling. Sentence suspended. Transport of stolen goods. Purchase of space vessel with counterfeit currency. Sentences, psychiatric treatment, effectiveness disputed.
KIRK: Mister Mudd, you're charged with galaxy travel without a flight plan, without an identification beam, and failure to answer a starship's signal, thus effecting a menace to navigation.
MUDD: What? My tiny ship in this immense galaxy a menace to navigation?
KIRK: You're also charged with operation of a vessel without a master's license.
MUDD: Untrue! I have a master's ticket.
COMPUTER: Incorrect. Master's license revoked Stardate 1116.4.
MUDD: All right. Well, very simply, Leo Walsh, who was to be my captain on this trip, passed away suddenly. Well, I had no choice but to take out me ship me own self. I assumed Leo's name out of courtesy to him. In memoriam, as it were. A fine, fine man, alas, gone to his reward.
KIRK: Destination and purpose of journey?
MUDD: Planet Ophiuchus 3. Wiving settlers.
KIRK: Come again, Mister Mudd. You do what?
MUDD: I recruit wives for settlers, a difficult but satisfying task.
KIRK: Data on witnesses.
COMPUTER: No data.
KIRK: Computer, go to sensor probe. Any unusual readings?
COMPUTER: No decipherable reading on females. However, unusual reading on male board members. Detecting high respiration patterns, perspiration rate up, heartbeat rapid, blood pressure higher than normal.
KIRK: Er, that's sufficient. Strike that from the record.
MUDD: You see, gentlemen, just as I told you. Three lovely ladies destined for frontier planets to be the companions of lonely men, to supply that warmth of a human touch that's so desperately needed. A wife, a home, a family. Gentlemen, I look upon this work as a sacred public trust. I've devoted me whole life to it.
COMPUTER: Incorrect.
MUDD: Well, I'm about to start devoting my entire life to it.
KIRK: Did these ladies come voluntarily?
MUDD: Well, of course! Now, for example, Ruthie here comes from a pelagic planet, sea ranchers. Magda there from the helium experimental station.
EVE: It's the same story for all of us, Captain. No men. Mine was a farm planet with automated machines for company and two brothers to cook for, mend their clothes, canal mud a foot thick on their boots every time they walked in.
MUDD: Fine, Evie. Fine.
EVE: It's not fine! We've got men willing to be our husbands waiting for us, and you're taking us in the opposite direction! Staring at us Iike we were Saturnius harem girls or something.
MUDD: That's enough, Evie.
KIRK: The only charges are against Mister Mudd. Illegal operation of a vessel. Do you have any defence to offer?
MUDD: Only heaven's own truth, which I've just given you.
KIRK: The hearing is closed. Mister Mudd to be handed over to the legal authorities at our earliest opportunity.
EVE: And what about us? What happens to us? Help us, please. All of us.
KIRK: Miss McHuron, if you don't mind
SCOTT: Our last crystal, sir. It's gone.
SULU: Captain Kirk, engineering section reports our entire life-support system is now on batteries.
KIRK: Mister Spock. Miss McHuron, would you mind. Mister Spock, will you contact the miners on Rigel 12? Notify them that we'll need the lithium crystals immediately upon arrival. (all officers leave)
MUDD: Oh, you beautiful galaxy! Oh, that heavenly universe! Well, girls, lithium miners. Don't you understand? Lonely, isolated, overworked, rich lithium miners! Girls, do you still want husbands, hmm? Evie, you won't be satisfied with a mere ship's captain. I'll get you a man who can buy you a whole planet. Maggie, you're going to be a countess. Ruth, I'll make you a duchess. And I, I'll be running this starship. Captain James Kirk, the next orders you're taking will be given by Harcourt Fenton Mudd!

Captain's log-- Stardate 1330.1. Position, fourteen hours out of Rigel 12. We're on auxiliary impulse engines. Fuel low, barely sufficient to achieve orbit over the planet. Lithium replacements are now imperative. The effect of Mudd's women on my crew continues to grow, still totally unexplained. Harry Mudd is confined to his quarters under guard.

[Sickbay]

RUTH: May I come in?
MCCOY: Why, yes, please do. By all means. Connors, are you finished?
RUTH: I was wondering what this place looked like. It's fascinating.
MCCOY: Would, Would you walk past my panel again, please?
RUTH: Your what?
MCCOY: My medical scanner.
RUTH: Oh, why? You're not giving me an examination, are you?
MCCOY: Oh no. I wouldn't trust my, my judgment, believe me. Just walk by, please. (scanner heart monitor activates) It's not supposed to do that.
RUTH: I wondered, will you be examining the miners on Rigel 12?
MCCOY: Yes, if they need it.
RUTH: You haven't asked yet? Are they in good health and all?
MCCOY: What? Oh, yes, they're in excellent health, all three of them.
RUTH: Oh. Three.
MCCOY: Are you wearing some unusual kind of perfume or something radioactive, my dear?
RUTH: No. I'm just me.
MCCOY: I wonder what makes it do that.

[Kirk's quarters]

EVE: Captain? I hope you don't mind.
KIRK: As a matter of fact, Miss McHuron, I do.
EVE: I was trying to take a walk, and I just, I just had to run in someplace. You see, all your men were looking at me, following me with their eyes.
KIRK: Yes. I'll have to talk to them about that. They, er, they don't do that ordinarily, Miss McHuron, but somehow, in your case, and the ladies with you, its, er
EVE: They're probably just lonely. I can understand loneliness.
KIRK: Yes. Yes, er, now, Miss McHuron
EVE: I, I suppose you understand it even more, having to run a huge ship like this with so much responsibility every minute and having to be so careful with all your men looking up to you.
KIRK: Well, it probably appears more difficult than it is.
EVE: Hmm! I read once that a commander has to act like a paragon of virtue. I never met a paragon.
KIRK: Neither have I.
EVE: Well, of course not. No one is. But some people try to pretend. Do you, Captain?
KIRK: Miss McHuron, I don't
EVE: Oh, no! Oh, I just can't do it. I don't care what Harry Mudd says. I do like you, but I just can't go through with it. I hate this whole thing!

[Mudds's quarters]

MUDD: Just three? You're sure?
RUTH: Yes. The miners are healthy and fairly young.
MUDD: Later, dear, later. Magda, did you get to your communications man?
MAGDA: The head miner is named Ben Childress. The others are Gossett and Benton.
MUDD: And they've been there?
RUTH: Almost three years now, alone!
MUDD: Perfect. Perfect. Three of them and three lovely ladies has Harry Mudd. And lithium crystals, my dear, are worth three hundred times their weight in diamonds, thousands of times their weight in gold.
RUTH: But they'll be down there, and we'll be up here, circling a hundred miles above them.
MAGDA: And there's a guard outside your door, Harry. You can't get out of your cabin.
MUDD: No, my dears. After one more job for you, it won't be Harry Mudd that's trapped. It will be a gentleman named James T
EVE: I don't like you, and I'm not very happy with myself, either.
MUDD: Well, I'm not really surprised. I've seen you noticing the Captain.
EVE: We're supposed to notice them! Oh, oh Harry, I don't feel very good. I think it must be near the time.

[Bridge]

KIRK: I asked for a preorbital course, Mister Farrell.
FARRELL: Preorbital course locked in, sir.
KIRK: That's the last time I'm giving an order twice, gentlemen. We're down to battery power, and we're low on that.
SCOTT: It'll get us to Rigel 12, sir, but it'll be a shaky orbit.
KIRK: Just hang us in long enough to get six crystals, Scotty. That's all we need.
SCOTT: I'll get you there.
KIRK: Ridiculous. What are we running here. Did you examine them? Did you examine Eve?
MCCOY: She refused.
KIRK: Well, come on, you're the doctor. What is it? Is it that we're tired, and they're beautiful? They are incredibly beautiful.
MCCOY: Are they, Jim? Are they actually more lovely, pound for pound, measurement for measurement, than any other women you've known? Or is it that they just, well, act beautiful. No. Strike that, strike that.
KIRK: What are they?
MCCOY: You mean are they alien illusions? That sort of thing?
KIRK: I asked you first.
MCCOY: No, an alien smart enough to pull this could also keep my medical scanner from going beep!
KIRK: I don't follow you.
MCCOY: I don't either.

[Mudd's quarters]

MAGDA: Top space frequency of three nine. (hands over communicator)
MUDD: Rigel 12. Rigel 12.
CHILDRESS [OC]: This is Rigel 12. Come in, Enterprise.
MUDD: Well, this isn't exactly the Enterprise. My name is Harry Mudd. To whom have I the pleasure of speaking, sir?

[Bridge]

SULU: Power curve still dropping, Captain.
FARRELL: We'll make orbit, sir. A temporary one.
KIRK: Lay in. Computer?
SPOCK: We can sustain this orbit for three days, seven hours.
KIRK: More than enough time. Communications, have a representative of the Rigel 12 miners meet us here to discuss our needs. Beam him up first pass over their camp.
UHURA: Yes, sir.

[Mudd's quarters]

RUTH: Look what's happening. (hair lank, skin slightly lined) Look at my face.
MAGDA: Give us the pills.
RUTH: What if someone sees us like this?
EVE: You'll never find them, Harry, and if you do find them you know what they are. A cheat. If you care for someone, really care
MUDD: (ransacking drawers frantically) For whom, Evie? For Kirk? You'll find out that Ship's captains are already married, girl, to their vessels. You'd find out the first time you came between him and the ship. You'll see.
RUTH: I'm going back to what I was. Ugly.
MAGDA: I can't stand myself like this.
RUTH: Why did you hide them, Harry? Don't you trust us?
MUDD: I didn't hide them, girl. I put them in a safe place in case I was searched.
MADGA: Find the pill, Harry!
MUDD: Mattress! Yes, here! (Ruth and Magda devour them eagerly) Go on, Eve. Take it. It's not a cheat. It's a miracle for some man who can appreciate it and who needs it.

[Kirk's quarters]

SPOCK: Even burned and cracked, they're beautiful. Destroying them was a shame. 
KIRK: Not at all, Mister Spock. The choice was burning this lithium crystal or the destruction of another man's ship. Come.
SECURITY: Sir. Mining Chief Childress and Mister Gossett.
KIRK: Good. Show them in. I'm James Kirk, captain of the Enterprise. This is my science officer Mister Spock.
CHILDRESS: Let's get right to business. You want lithium crystals and we've got them.
KIRK: Fine. I'm authorised to pay an equitable price.
CHILDRESS: We're not sure they're for sale, Captain. We might prefer a swap.
KIRK: What did you have in mind?
CHILDRESS: Mudd's women.
GOSSETT: If we like them. We'd like to have a look at them first of course.
CHILDRESS: Right. Trot them out, Captain. Oh, and Harry Mudd. Either way, I've agreed to have him released. Charges dropped.
KIRK: (laughs) Is there anything else?
CHILDRESS: You've got no choice, Kirk. You beam a landing party down, and you won't find one blessed crystal.
KIRK: No deal. You're a long way out in space, gentlemen. You'll need medical help, cargo runs, starship protection. You want to consider those facts too?
MUDD: Come along, ladies, come along. You must be Ben Childress. Come on now, girls, come on.
RUTH: And you must be Herm Gossett.
GOSSETT: Yes, I reckon I am.
CHILDRESS: One thing I'll say for you, Mudd, you're not a liar. Ladies, you are welcome.
KIRK: It's still no deal.
SPOCK: Conserving batteries, sir. Half power.
MUDD: I'm told they have only three days of orbit left before they start spiraling in. I do hate to see you suffering such a situation, Captain, but truth is truth, and the sad fact is you will deal. Sooner or later, you'll have to.

Captain's log. Transporting down to surface of planet Rigel 12 to acquire replacement lithium crystals. Expect further difficulty from miners.

[Miner's camp]

KIRK: All right, Childress, you've won. Now I'll take the lithium crystals.
CHILDRESS: When I have the time, Kirk.
KIRK: Childress.
CHILDRESS: We're busy, Mister Kirk.
SPOCK: We don't have the time to spare, Captain.
KIRK: You got a better idea?
CHILDRESS: (to Eve) Blows like that all the time. You can get lost a dozen feet from your doorstep. The wind comes up sudden. Magnetic storm. That means the wind will really rip soon.
MAGDA: Dance with me.
CHILDRESS: Would you like to dance?
EVE: No, I (coughs) No. I'm sorry, I guess it must be the dust.
CHILDRESS: That's the way it is on Rigel all the time. (cuts in on Ruth instead)
GOSSETT: Hey.
BENTON: Go away.
GOSSETT: I'm cutting in.
BENTON: Not on me. (fight starts) 
CHILDRESS: What's the matter with you?
EVE: Why don't you run a raffle and the loser gets me? (leaves)
CHILDRESS: You can't go out there. You'll get killed.
KIRK: Just have those crystals here when I get back.

[Planet surface]

KIRK: Eve! Eve!

Captain's log. Have transported aboard the Enterprise to implement search with infrared scanners and sensing system. Magnetic storms on the planet's surface are cutting down speed and efficiency of our equipment. Search now in progress for three hours, eighteen minutes.

[Bridge]

FARRELL: Traverse parallel three and four.
SULU: Checking, but not getting much.
SPOCK: The storm is ionising the atmosphere, Captain. Getting difficult to probe through it.
SCOTT: Captain, this is draining our batteries further. If we only had those crystals.
KIRK: But we don't! I didn't get any. I should have found a way. Satisfied, Mister Scott?
UHURA: Losing communications with the miners, sir. Magnetic storm seems worse.
KIRK: Has Childress reported in yet?
UHURA: No, sir. He and the girl are still missing.
KIRK: Sorry, Scotty. How much power do we have left?
SCOTT: About five hours, sir.

Captain's log. Have expended all but forty three minutes of power. Ship's condition, critical. Search now in progress seven hours, thirty one minutes. Magnetic storms are easing.

[Bridge]

SPOCK: Infrared reading. Check traverse three, grid zero four zero.
FARRELL: About eleven miles, bearing one two one from the mining company.
SULU: That's Ben Childress' quarters.
SPOCK: There's a heat unit operating in there. It could be a cookstove.
KIRK: Have Mudd meet me in the transporter room.
SPOCK: Mudd?
KIRK: The name of this game.

[Childress' quarters]

CHILDRESS: I had things where I wanted them.
EVE: I ate some of your food, so I paid with some chores.
CHILDRESS: And I do my own cooking. I've not laid a hand on you. Remember that.
EVE: Oh, the sound of male ego. You travel halfway across the galaxy, and it's still the same song. There. You going to eat or talk?
CHILDRESS: I guess I'm supposed to sit, taste, and roll my eyes. Ooh, female cooking again. I've tasted better, by my own hand.
EVE: Well you're tasting some of it now. I couldn't scrape three layers of your leavings out of that pan.
CHILDRESS: You find me a well, some decent water, then talk.
EVE: Well, why don't you hang your pan out in the wind and let the sand blast it clean, or hadn't you thought about that?
CHILDRESS: (after hanging out the pots) It might work. That solitaire?
EVE: Double jack.
CHILDRESS: The red eight ought to go on the black nine.
EVE: Not in double jack.
CHILDRESS: You're not only plain as an old bucket, you're not even good company. What the devil happened to your looks, anyway?
EVE: I got tired of you. I slumped.
CHILDRESS: You heard what I said. You're homely! I've got enough in crystals already to buy queens by the gross! (Kirk and Mudd enter) I didn't touch her.
MUDD: Thank heaven you found her.
CHILDRESS: She's been bubbling with gratitude ever since.
KIRK: Sit down. Tell him. Tell him, Harry.
MUDD: Ah. Yes, well.
KIRK: The Venus drugs, Harry.
CHILDRESS: Venus drug? I've heard of it but, it's not just one of those stories?
KIRK: Oh, it exists, illegally.
MUDD: Well, actually, you see, it's a relatively harmless drug.
EVE: Harmless!
MUDD: Well, what it does is give you more of whatever you have. Well, with men, it makes them more muscular. Women, rounder. Men, more aggressive. Women, more feminine, and
KIRK: He gave it to the women before you met them.
CHILDRESS: Does that mean the others? They really look like she does?
MUDD: Mister Childress, I
CHILDRESS: Is that what it means?
EVE: Yes, that's what it means!
CHILDRESS: What happened to my partners?
KIRK: They've left for their quarters during the storm, Childress. They're married. Subspace radio marriage. It was a fraud. They can get out of it.
MUDD: If they want to.
CHILDRESS: Why?
MUDD: You can't condemn the women.
CHILDRESS: I can! A man goes out and fights, almost dies. We all almost die. We should have, but we didn't. And now that we've got the good life in our hands, you bring us women for wives that
EVE: You don't want wives, you want this. This is what you want, Mister Childress. I hope you remember it and dream about it, because you can't have it. It's not real! (takes the pills) Is this the kind of wife you want, Ben? Not someone to help you, not a wife to cook and sew and cry and need, but this kind. Selfish, vain, useless. Is this what you really want? All right, then. Here it is.
KIRK: Quite a woman, eh, Childress?
CHILDRESS: A fake, pumped up by a drug.
KIRK: By herself. She took no drug.
EVE: I swallowed it.
KIRK: Coloured gelatin.
MUDD: Yes, they took away my drug and substituted that.
EVE: But that can't be.
KIRK: There's only one kind of woman.
MUDD: Or man, for that matter.
KIRK: You either believe in yourself, or you don't. All right Childress, I've gone as far with you as I intend to. I want those lithium crystals and I want them now. Enterprise, this is Kirk.
SPOCK [OC]: Spock here, Captain.
KIRK: Stand by. Do I beam down a search party?
CHILDRESS: No, the crystals are here, and you're welcome to them.
KIRK: Stand by, Mister Spock. We're coming aboard with the lithium crystals.
SPOCK [OC]: How many coming, Captain?
CHILDRESS: Eve will stay, today at least. We, er, we want to talk.
KIRK: Eve?
EVE: You've got someone up there called the Enterprise.
KIRK: Two of us, Mister Spock. Come on, Mister Mudd.
MUDD: Don't you think you could possibly, by accident, arrange to leave me behind here? On this planet that would be punishment enough.
KIRK: I can't do that, Harry, but I will appear as a character witness at your trial. If you think that'll help.
MUDD: They'll throw away the key.

[Bridge]

MCCOY: That must have been quite a talk you made down there. Ever try considering the patent medicine business?
KIRK: Why should I work your side of the street?
SPOCK: I'm happy the affair is over. A most annoying emotional episode.
MCCOY: Smack right in the old heart. Oh, I'm sorry. In your case, it would be about here.
SPOCK: The fact that my internal arrangement differs from yours, Doctor, pleases me no end.
FARRELL: Course plotted and all systems in operation.
SULU: Engines engaged. Helm answering.
FARRELL: Out of orbit, sir.
KIRK: Ahead full.
SULU: Ahead full, sir.

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