CHEKOV: Approaching Sigma Iotia Two, Captain.
KIRK: Standard orbit, Mister Chekov.
UHURA: Captain, I have received vocal contact from an official station.
They relayed us to a man named Oxmyx. His title is Boss.
KIRK: Boss? All right, Lieutenant, put him on. Oxmyx. This is Captain
James T. Kirk of the starship Enterprise, representing the Federation
OXMYX [OC]: Hello, Captain. You're from the same outfit as the Horizon?
KIRK: Yes. Unfortunately, the Horizon was lost with all hands shortly
after leaving your planet. We only received her radio report last
OXMYX [OC]: Last month? What are you talking about? The Horizon left
here a hundred years ago.
KIRK: Difficult to explain. We received a report a hundred years late
because it was sent by conventional radio. Your system is on the outer
reaches of the galaxy. They didn't have subspace communication in those
OXMYX [OC]: Toward the edge of what?
KIRK: I'll explain it in more detail when I see him. The ship won't
land, but we'll transport several people down. Well, that's a little
difficult for you to understand, too. I'll explain it in more detail
when I see you. Where will be convenient?
OXMYX [OC]: Well, there's an intersection just at the end of the block,
near a yellow fire plug. Think you can find it?
(Kirk goes over to the engineering station.)
KIRK: Scotty, do you have the co-ordinates?
SCOTT: Located, sir.
KIRK; Good. Mister Oxmyx, we have your intersection located. Will five
minutes be all right?
OXMYX [OC]: Fine. Fine. I'll have a reception committee there to meet
KIRK: Good. I'll be looking forward to it. Kirk out. Scotty, you have
(McCoy and Spock enter from the turbolift.)
KIRK: Spock, McCoy, we're beaming down. Standard equipment.
KIRK: The Horizon's contact came before the
Non-Interference Directive went into effect.
MCCOY: They must have interfered with the normal evolution of the
SPOCK: It will be interesting to see the results of the contamination.
KIRK: We don't know there is contamination. The evidence is only
MCCOY: What was the state of the Iotian culture before the Horizon
KIRK: The beginnings of industrialisation.
SPOCK: Horizon reports indicate the Iotians are
extremely intelligent and somewhat imitative.
MCCOY: So we're going down to recontaminate them.
SPOCK: The damage has been done, Doctor. We are here to repair it.
KIRK: Let's not argue about it. Let's go study it. Energise.
(There's a yellow fire hydrant, litter, a girl in a
1930's dress, motor cars, shops, and men standing around carrying
machine guns. Welcome to Chicago.)
MCCOY: This is like coming home.
KIRK: Home was never like this. I've seen pictures of the old days that
look like this.
SPOCK: Interesting, Captain. Passers-by are carrying, I believe,
(They are approached by two men in neat suits with machine guns.)
KALO: (in a brown suit) Okay, you three, let's see you petrify.
SPOCK: Sir, would you mind explaining that statement, please?
KALO: I want to see you turn to stone. Put your hands over your head,
or you ain't going to have no head to put your hands over.
(They are deprived of their phasers and communicators.)
KALO: What's this?
KIRK: That's a weapon. Be careful with that.
KALO: A heater, huh? Hey, the boss will love that. (puts it in his
KIRK: Look, we were asked to come down here by Mister Oxmyx. He said
KALO: I know what he said, bud. He said some of the boys would meet
you. Okay, we're meeting you.
MCCOY: Well, those firearms are not necessary.
KALO: You trying to make trouble?
MCCOY: Who, me?
KALO: Don't give me those baby blue eyes.
KALO: I don't go for that innocent routine.
SPOCK: Sir, does everyone here carry firearms?
KALO: I never heard such stupid questions in my life.
MCCOY: Well, since this Oxmyx asked us down here, don't you think we
should see him?
KALO: All right. Get moving. Down the street.
(Just then a car comes hurtling around the corner. Everyone dives for
cover, and gunfire rings out. The silent man in the blue suit gets
shot. Kalo returns fire as the car speeds away.)
KALO: Krako's getting more gall all the time .
KIRK: Is this how you greet all your guests?
KALO: It happens, pal.
MCCOY: That man's dead back there.
KALO: Yeah? We ain't playing for peanuts. What's the matter, you guys
never saw a hit before?
SPOCK: Sir, there are several questions I would like to ask.
KALO: Ask the boss. I don't know nothing. Get moving.
(They leave the crowd to deal with the deceased.)
MCCOY: This is the contamination you're looking for, Jim.
KIRK: Yes, but the Horizon crew wasn't composed of cold-blooded
killers. They didn't report this culture in this state, either. What
WOMAN: Hey, Kalo. Hey, when's the boss going to do something about the
crummy street lights around here, eh? A girl ain't safe.
WOMAN 2: And how about the laundry pickup? We ain't had a truck by in
KALO: Write him a letter.
WOMAN 2: I did. He sent it back with postage due.
WOMAN: Listen, we pay our percentages. We're entitled to a little
service for our money.
KALO: Get lost, will ya? Some people got nothing to do but complain.
KIRK: Is this the way your citizens do business, their right of
KALO: They pay their percentages and the boss takes care of them.
(It's a lovely high-ceilinged room with wood
paneling, tiled floor with a carpet and substantial furniture. A buzzer
OXMYX: (a silver haired man in a suit) Hit that button. (the girl
sitting on his desk obeys) Yeah?
KALO [OC]: Got them, Boss. No sweat.
OXMYX: All right. Bring them in. (he goes to the pool table and picks
up a cue) Which one of you is the captain?
OXMYX: Make yourself a drink, Captain. It's good stuff. I distill it
KIRK: No, thank you. You're Mister Oxmyx.
OXMYX: That's me, pal.
KIRK: This is my first officer, Mister Spock, Doctor McCoy.
OXMYX: Doctor, huh? Put that chopper down, Kalo. These guys are our
guests. Pick up a cue, Captain. Go ahead. You can't be too careful
around here these days.
MCCOY: Yes. Judging from what we've seen so far, I agree.
KIRK: They call you The Boss, Mister Oxmyx. The boss of what?
OXMYX: The boss of my territory. I got the biggest in the world. You
know, there's one thing wrong with having the biggest. There's always
some punk trying to cut you out. That's why you can't be too careful.
KIRK: You're the government here?
OXMYX: What government? Look, I told you. I got the territory and I run
it. That's all.
KIRK: But there are other bosses, other territories?
OXMYX: Yeah, sure. Maybe a dozen or so, not counting the small fry, but
then they get burned anyway soon as I get around to it.
SPOCK: Does that include, if I may ask, a gentleman called Krako?
OXMYX: How do you know about Krako?
KALO: He hit us, Boss.
OXMYX: Okay. You hit him back, you hear? Hard.
KALO: I'll take care of it.
(Spock has discovered a book on a lectern.)
SPOCK: Captain? Gangsters. Chicago. Mobs. Published in 1992. Where'd
you get this?
OXMYX: Hey, wait a minute. That's the Book.
KIRK: I know it's a book.
OXMYX: The Book. They left it, the other ship. The Horizon.
SPOCK: This is the contamination, Captain. Astonishing. An entire
culture based on this.
MCCOY: You said they were imitative, and the book
OXMYX: I don't want any more cracks about the Book.
KIRK: Did they leave any other books?
OXMYX: Sure. Some text books on how to make radio sets and stuff like
that, but, look, I brought you here so you could help me, not for you
to ask me questions. After that, I'll answer anything you want to know.
KIRK: What is it you want?
OXMYX: Well, I was thinking. You Feds must have made a lot of
improvements since that other ship came here. You probably got all
kinds of fancy heaters up there. So here's the deal. You give me all
the heaters I need. Enough tools so I can knock off those punks all at
once. Then I'll take over, and all you'll have to do is deal with me.
KIRK: Now let me get this straight. You want us to supply you with arms
and assistance so you can carry out an aggression against your
OXMYX: What aggression? I got to make hits. I want you to help me hit
them. That's all.
SPOCK: Fascinating, but quite impossible.
KIRK: Mister Oxmyx, my orders are quite explicit. Under no circum
OXMYX: I ain't interested in your orders. From now on, you're gonna
take orders from me. I'm gonna give you just eight hours to give me the
things I want. If I don't have those tools by then, I'm gonna call up
your ship and have them pick you up in a box. Is that understood, pal?
(Kalo and another henchman put their guns to Kirk's head.)
KALO: Hey, Boss, this here's a heater, and I don't know what this is.
(tosses them to his leader)
OXMYX: Let's see how this thing works.
KIRK: Don't do that. You could knock out the side of the building.
OXMYX: That good, huh? All you have to do is give me about a hundred of
these fancy heaters and we'll have no more trouble.
KIRK: Out of the question.
OXMYX: Captain Kirk, I usually get what I want. What's this thing?
(silence) All right. Burn him.
KIRK: Hold it. It's a communication device.
OXMYX: How does it work?
KIRK: It's locked onto my ship's systems.
OXMYX: Kalo, take them to the warehouse and put them in a bag. Keep a
sharp eye on them, you hear.
KALO: In the bag, Boss. Come on.
(The landing party and the gunmen leave)
OXMYX: (into communicator) Hey, you. In the ship up there.
OXMYX [OC]: Hey, you in the ship.
SCOTT: Scott here. Who's this?
OXMYX: This is Bela Oxmyx. I got your captain and
his friends down here. You want to see them alive
OXMYX [OC]: Again you'll send me down a hundred of
these fancy heaters you've got, and some troops to show me how to use
SCOTT: Am I to understand that you're holding the captain and his
OXMYX: You heard right, pal. I'm going to give you
just eight hours to get me the goods I want, or I put the hit on your
OXMYX [OC]: You understand?
SCOTT: I don't know. (Oxmyx ends the transmission, laughing) Lieutenant
Hadley, check the language banks and find out what a heater is.
(The guards are sitting at a makeshift table
playing cards whilst the landing party sit on various barrels and
MCCOY: One book on the gangs of Chicago did all this. It's amazing.
SPOCK: They evidently seized upon that one book as the blueprint for an
MCCOY: It's the Bible.
KIRK: In old Chicago, conventional government almost broke down. The
gangs nearly took over.
MCCOY: Yeah, well, Oxmyx is the worst gangster of all.
SPOCK: We may quarrel with Mister Oxmyx' methods, but his goal is
essentially the correct one. This society must become united or it will
degenerate into total anarchy.
KIRK: If this society broke down as the result of the Horizon's
influence, then the Federation's responsible, and we've got to do
something to straighten this mess out. Spock, if you could get to the
sociological computer, do you think you could find a solution?
SPOCK: Unfortunately, I do not have access to my computers, nor are
these gentlemen likely to permit it.
KIRK: Well, I've got an idea about that. (goes over to the card table
and gets guns pointed at him) Gentlemen. Gentlemen. This, card game is
a kid's game.
KALO: You think so, huh?
KIRK: Oh, yes, yes. I wouldn't waste my time.
KALO: Who's asking you?
KIRK: On Beta Antares Four, they play a real game. It's a man's game,
but of course it's probably a little beyond you. It requires
KALO: Listen, Kirk, I can play anything you can figure out. Take the
cards, big man. Show us how it's played.
SPOCK: I'm familiar with the culture on Beta Antares. There aren't
KIRK: Spock. Spock. (sits) Of course, the cards on Beta Antares Four
are different, but not too different. The name of the game is called
KIRK: Fizzbin. It's not too difficult. (begins dealing) Each player
gets six cards, except for the player on the dealer's right, who gets
KALO: On the right.
KIRK: Yes. The second card is turned up, except on Tuesdays.
KALO: On Tuesday.
KIRK: Oh, look what you got, two jacks. You got a half fizzbin already.
KALO: I need another jack.
KIRK: No, no. If you got another jack, why, you'd have a sralk.
KALO: A sralk?
KIRK: Yes. You'd be disqualified. You need a king and a deuce, except
at night of course, when you'd need a queen and a four.
KALO: Except at night.
KIRK: Right. Oh, look at that. You've got another jack. How lucky you
are! How wonderful for you. If you didn't get another jack, if you'd
gotten a king, why then you'd get another card, except when it's dark,
you'd give it back.
KALO: If it were dark on Tuesday.
KIRK: Yes, but what you're after is a royal fizzbin, but the odds in
getting a royal fizzbin are astron. Spock, what are the odds in getting
a royal fizzbin?
SPOCK: I have never computed them, Captain.
KIRK: Well, they're astronomical, believe me. Now, for the last card.
We'll call it a kronk. You got that?
(Kirk 'accidentally' drops the card on the floor)
KALO: I'll get it.
(As he bends down, Spock nock-pinches him while McCoy and Kirk punch
out the other two men. McCoy is quicker than Kirk.)
KIRK: Spock, find the radio station. Uhura's monitoring the broadcasts.
Cut in and have yourselves beamed up to the ship.
SPOCK: Surely, you're coming, Captain.
KIRK: I will, but I'm bringing Bela Oxmyx with me.
MCCOY: Jim, you can't
KIRK: Bones, this mess is our responsibility. You have your orders.
(Kirk is running along, carrying a machine gun,
when a voice rings out. A man in a light grey suit and straw boater
ZABO: Hold it! Okay, pally, we're going for a ride.
KIRK: If you don't mind, I'd rather walk.
ZABO: Listen, pally, this could either be a taxi or a hearse. You know
what I mean?
KIRK: I'm beginning to get the idea.
(They climb into the back of a very nice car.)
(A woman is about to put the needle onto a record
when Spock neck-pinches her.)
MCCOY: You do that very well. Now, how are you with primitive radio
SPOCK: Very simple. Amplitude modulation transmission. I simply adjust
the frequency, throw this switch, and the Enterprise should answer.
VOICE [OC]: That was the Jailbreakers with their latest recording on
Request Time, brought to you by Bang-Bang, the makers of the sweetest
little automatic in the world
MCCOY: And very simple.
SPOCK: Let me see. (throws a few more switches and picks up the
microphone.) Enterprise, this is Mister Spock.
UHURA [OC]: Lieutenant Uhura here, Mister Spock.
UHURA: Mister Spock, what are you doing on this
SPOCK: A very long and complicated story,
Lieutenant. Notify the transporter room, Two to beam up, these
(The brass plaque by the front door of the building
proclaims 'JoJo Krako, Boss, Southside Territory'. The straw boaters
are the badge of his organisation. JoJo is practising throwing darts
over his shoulder at a poster of Oxmyx. Kirk is brought in. There's a
copy of the Book on a
lectern here too.)
KRAKO: So you're the Fed, huh? Well, well, well, well, well.
KIRK: And you?
KRAKO: Krako. JoJo Krako. I'm the head of the whole Southside
Territory. Hey, glad to see you.
KIRK: Would you mind telling me how you even know who I am?
KRAKO: Sit down, Kirk. I've got all of Bela's communications bugged. He
can't make a date with a broad unless I know about it.
Well, I guess you want to know why I brought you here.
KIRK: You want to make a deal.
KRAKO: Hey, I like that. That is sharp. That's sharp, eh, Zabo?
ZABO: Sharp, Boss.
KRAKO: That's right, a deal. I want you to help me.
(He snaps his fingers, and the girl walks over to Kirk and starts
massaging his shoulders.)
KIRK: Let me guess. You want, you'll want heaters, and then you'll want
troops to teach them how to use them. And then you'll attack the other
bosses and take over the whole planet. Then we'll sit down and talk,
KRAKO: Wrong! I know Bela. He didn't offer you beans. Now, me, I'm a
reasonable man. You give me what I want and I'll cut you in for, say, a
third. Skimmed right off the top. Well, what do you think?
KIRK: I got a better idea. This planet has to be united. You know that.
Bela knows that. Let's sit down. You, me, Bela. Discuss this whole
matter, contact the other bosses, and talk about it like reasonable
KRAKO: You watch it, Kirk. The Book tells us how to handle things.
(snaps his fingers to recall the girl) You make hits. Somebody argues,
you lean on 'em. What do you think, we're stupid or something?
KIRK: No, I don't think you're stupid. I just think your behaviour is
KRAKO: I haven't been arrested in my whole life! Listen, pally, I know
how to get what I want. You want to live, don't you, Kirk? You bet you
do. But after I get through with you, you're liable to be sorry unless
you come across. Hold him here. Tell Cirl the Knife to sharpen up his
blade. I just might have a job for him. Unless you come across with the
KIRK: I'm sorry, Krako. No deal.
KRAKO: That's too bad. Put him on ice!
(They put him in a proper working office, with
letter opener, desk with blotting paper, a cot-bed and a nice old radio
with nice old valves and stuff inside. Kirk starts taking it apart.)
SPOCK: Futile, Doctor. No specifics. There is no record of such a
culture based on a moral inversion.
MCCOY: You mean you're giving up?
SPOCK: No, Doctor. I'm merely saying the computers can offer us no
logical, rational, factual way out of our current dilemma.
UHURA: Mister Spock, Mister Oxmyx is making contact from the surface.
SPOCK: On audio, Lieutenant. Mister Oxmyx, this is Mister Spock.
OXMYX [OC]: Huh? Hey, how'd you get back up there?
SPOCK: Irrelevant, since we are here.
OXMYX: Oh, yeah. I tell you, you'd better come on
OXMYX [OC]: Krako's put the bag on your captain.
SPOCK: Why would he put a bag on our captain?
OXMYX: Kidnapped him, you dope.
OXMYX [OC]: He'll scrag him, too.
SPOCK: If I understand you correctly, that would seem to be a problem.
OXMYX: Look, you guys got something I want. I can
help you get your captain back.
OXMYX [OC]: Then we can talk about the deal I want.
SPOCK: I'm afraid I find it difficult to trust you, Mister Oxmyx.
OXMYX: What's to trust? Business is business. We'll
call a truce. You come on down.
OXMYX [OC]: My boys'll spring Kirk, and then we'll
talk about giving me a hand.
SPOCK: You'll show no further hostility?
OXMYX: I'm a businessman, pally. What do ya say?
SPOCK: Since we must have our captain back, I
SPOCK [OC]: We shall arrive in your office within
ten minutes. Spock out.
MCCOY: You mean you're going to trust him?
SPOCK: If we are to save the captain without blatant, forceful
interference on this planet, Doctor, we must have the assistance of
someone indigenous. We are therefore forced to trust Mister Oxmyx.
(Kirk has used copper wire to create a trip-wire,
and starts throwing the waste paper bin around to make a noise.)
KIRK: Help me! Help! Help me!
(A henchman dashes in and goes flying over the wire. Kirk kicks him
unconscious, then uses a blanket to disorient Zabo when he comes in
before knocking him out too, taking a weapon and making his escape.)
SPOCK: Mister Scott, though we hope to avoid
interference, I suggest you set one of our phaser banks on a strong
SCOTT: Aye, sir.
MCCOY: Now you're beginning to make sense.
SPOCK: I trust we shall not have to use them, but it is best to be
OXMYX: You know what to do.
KALO: Don't worry, Boss. They can't do nothing till they're through
OXMYX: Just the same, you be careful. They'll have heaters on them. (to
his girl) Now you watch this.
(Spock and McCoy arrive, and are promptly taken prisoner.)
Ship's log. Mister Spock reporting. Incredible as
it seems, Doctor McCoy and I are once again prisoners of the chief
criminal boss of a society patterned after old Earth gangsters.
OXMYX: (taking the phasers) Pick up many more of
these, I won't need your co-operation.
SPOCK: Mister Oxmyx, I understood we had an arrangement, a truce.
OXMYX: I was hoping you'd think that, dummy.
MCCOY: We're trying to help you, Oxmyx.
OXMYX: Nobody helps nobody but himself.
SPOCK: Sir, you are employing a double negative.
SPOCK: I fail to see why you do not understand us. You yourself have
stated the need for unity of authority on this planet. We agree.
OXMYX: Yeah, but I got to be the unity.
SPOCK: Co-operation, sir, would inevitably result
OXMYX: The most co-operative man in this world is a dead man. And if
you don't keep your mouth shut, you're going to be co-operatin'.
(The door opens and Kirk enters with his machine gun.)
KIRK: Drop the guns. Drop 'em. (McCoy and Spock take back their
phasers) Move down there.
OXMYX: Hey, Captain, you got away from Krako. You know, that ain't
KIRK: I thought you were supposed to report to the ship, Mister Spock.
SPOCK: We did, Captain. The situation required our return.
KIRK: It may be just as well. Did you find out anything from the
SPOCK: Nothing useful. Logic and practical information do not seem to
MCCOY: You admit that?
SPOCK: To deny the facts would be illogical, Doctor.
KIRK: Then you don't mind if I play a hunch?
SPOCK: I'm not sanguine about hunches, Captain, but I have no practical
MCCOY: What are we going to do now, Jim?
KIRK: Well, now that we have Bela, I'm going to put the bag on Krako.
(grabs the guy in a blue suit) Listen, you. Say, that's nice material.
MAN: It ought to be. It cost a bundle.
KIRK; Get out of 'em.
KIRK: I said.
KALO: Now just a minute.
KIRK: You too! Get out of the clothes. Nobody's going to put the bag on
me any more.
(Kirk is in the blue suit, and Spock in Kalo's
brown one, when they leave Bela's headquarters and go over to the cream
sedan parked by the kerb.)
KIRK: Wheels, Mister Spock.
SPOCK: A fliwer, Captain.
KIRK: Key in the ignition. Turn the ignition on. And nothing happens.
Where's the starter? There's the starter. Yes!
KIRK: (pushing the gear lever and making grinding noises) Oops! Gears.
SPOCK: Yes. Oh. I believe they had a device known as a clutch. Clutch,
Captain. Perhaps one of those pedals on the floor.
KIRK: (puts it quietly into gear) I kind of like this. I'm going to get
(He lets up the clutch, and they go backwards. The car kangaroos
elegantly down the street and somehow makes it to JoJo's place.)
SPOCK: Captain, you are an excellent starship commander, but as a taxi
driver you leave much to be desired.
KIRK: It was that bad?
(They get out and note the guards at the main entrance)
KIRK: Now, that could be a bit of a problem. If they were inside, where
they couldn't be seen, we could stun them with our phasers, but not out
SPOCK: If we can get close enough to them, we should be able to render
them harmless with reasonable rapidity.
(A guard checks the contents of a passing perambulator.)
KIRK: They don't look like the trusting type.
BOY: (runs over to them) It's a hit, ain't it?
SPOCK: I beg your pardon?
BOY: You're going to hit somebody. Can I watch?
KIRK: Young man, run along and play.
BOY: Where'd you get them ears?
SPOCK: Young man
BOY: You going to hit Krako out here? You open up and you'll be
scragged from every window in the street. I can fix it for ya.
SPOCK: Young man, this is likely to be quite hazardous.
KIRK: Hold on, Spock. Out of the mouths of babes
BOY: Who you callin' a babe?
KIRK: I'm calling you a babe.
BOY: You calling me a babe? (brandishes his little knife.)
KIRK: Yeah I'm calling you a babe, but there's nothing personal in it.
Sit down. (on the car bumper) You know a way we can get close to them?
BOY: What's in it for me?
KIRK: What do you want?
BOY: A piece of the action.
SPOCK: You do not even know what the action is going to be.
BOY: I figure it's got to be a thick percentage or you wouldn't be
trying to hit Krako.
KIRK: All right, young man. We'll guarantee you a piece of the action
if we can pull this thing off.
BOY: Is that a contract?
KIRK: Done. (they shake on it) What do we do?
BOY: You'll know what to do.
(He skips across the street, fighting imaginary enemies with his very
BOY: And that! And how do you like that? Think you can gang up on me,
huh? What are you, chicken?
(The guards grin as he runs over to them.)
BOY: Come on, why don't you gang up on me? I'll cut off your head and
throw it in your face! Take that, and that,
and falls over) Daddy, Daddy, I hurt myself!
KIRK: That's it. Let's go.
GUARD: What's the matter? Did you hurt yourself, kid?
BOY: I want my daddy!
GUARD: Cute kid, ain't he?
BOY: Daddy! I want my daddy!
BOY: I want my daddy.
KIRK: Sonny! Wait a moment. What have they done? What have they done to
you? What have you done?
(Kirk hits one while Spock neck-pinches the other. There's a bit of
argy-bargy just inside the door before it's over.)
KIRK: A piece of the action.
KIRK: No one can see. Put your phaser on stun.
(They stun two guards in the corridor in front of them. Krako is coming
down the stairs with his girl.)
KRAKO: Well, ain't this nice? I was wondering how I was going to get
you back, and here you deliver yourself! Who's your friend with the
KIRK: I think you've got it reversed, Mister Krako.
KRAKO: I ain't, pally. Put down your heaters.
SPOCK: Captain, I believe that perhaps it would be wise to do as he
says. I just heard the sound of
KIRK: The sound of a machine gun bolt being pulled back. (there are two
more guards behind them.)
(JoJo is shaking a phaser to make it work.)
KIRK: Mister Krako, I don't, er
KRAKO: So this is the fancy heater, huh? How does it work?
KIRK: I'm trying to tell you, Mister Krako, that this is bigger than
you, Oxmyx or anyone.
KRAKO: The only thing I want you to tell me is how it works.
KIRK: Can you trust all your men?
KRAKO: Of course I can!
KIRK: Well, one of these can make a man a pretty big boss, you know.
KRAKO: I either trust 'em, or they're dead. Let's go in here and talk
KRAKO: Now we got no busy little eyes to worry
about. How does this thing work?
KIRK: All right, Krako, we don't have time to show you how to play with
toys! (takes the phaser back)
KIRK: What do you think we're here for, to get a cut of your deal?
Forget it. That's peanuts to an outfit like the Federation. Right?
KIRK: Now look, Krako, we're taking over the whole ball of wax. You
co-operate with us and maybe we'll cut you in for a piece of the
SPOCK: A miniscule. A very small piece.
KRAKO: How much is that?
KIRK: That's, er. We'll figure it out later.
KRAKO: I thought you guys had laws. No interference.
KIRK: Who's interfering? We're taking over. Check?
KIRK: The planet is being taken over by the Federation, but we don't
want to come in here and use our muscle, you know what I mean? That
ain't subtle. So what we do is we help one guy take over the planet. He
pulls the strings, and then we pull his. (to Spock) Hey, you, sit down.
(They settle them selves with their feet up on Krako's desk.)
KRAKO: What's your cut?
KIRK: What do you care as long as you're being cut in? Course, there's
always Bela Oxmyx.
KRAKO: All right, it's a deal. Call your ship. Bring down your boys and
whatever else you need.
KIRK: Kirk to Enterprise.
SCOTT [OC]: Enterprise. Scott here.
KIRK: All right, Scotty. We made a deal with Krako.
SCOTT: We did, sir?
KIRK: Yeah. We're ready to make the hit. We're
taking over the whole planet as soon as you get ready.
SCOTT: Do you think that's wise, sir?
KIRK: Sure. We can trust Krako, but we don't have
any choice. You know what I mean? He's
standing about twelve feet in front of me, all ready to be our pal.
KIRK [OC]: Of course, Scotty, I'd like to show him
the ship, just to show him that we're, er, we're on the level. But you
know how it is.
SCOTT: Aye. I know indeed.
KIRK: Scotty, we'll need phasers to equip every one
of Krako's men. We'll need advisors and troops to back him up on the
You got all that, Scotty?
SCOTT [OC]: Aye, Captain.
SCOTT: Captain. We're preparing everything. It'll
be ready when you give the word.
KIRK: You may begin, Mister Scott.
SCOTT [OC]: Acknowledged, Captain.
KRAKO: You mean you're going to start sending down your boys now?
KIRK: Not exactly.
(Krako is beamed away, and the astonished guards are easily overpowered
(Two armed security men have met Krako.)
KRAKO: How the hell'd I get here? What? What happened? (Scott enters)
You. You must be that Scott fellow Kirk was talking to. I want to know
SCOTT: It looks like we put the bag on you, doesn't it.
KRAKO: I got rights.
SCOTT: You've got nothing. You mind your place, mister, or you'll be
wearing concrete galoshes.
KRAKO: You mean cement overshoes?
SCOTT: Er. Aye.
(Kirk runs towards the car.)
SPOCK: Must we?
KIRK: It's faster than walking.
SPOCK: But not as safe.
KIRK: Are you afraid of cars?
SPOCK: Not at all, Captain. It's your driving that alarms me.
KIRK: Spock, I've got the hang of it. Now go on.
(The machine guns are still where Spock left them in the open top car,
and Kirk still puts it into reverse first.)
ZABO: (waking up) Oh, not again. (rouses the other
man) Hey, wake up. You all right? (opens the door) Hey, you guys. Come
in here. The Feds snatched Krako. I never seen anything like it.
They're going to move in unless we stop 'em now.
GUARD: Yeah? How?
ZABO: Well, Bela's mixed up in this somehow. I've got a sneaking hunch
they're going to high-tail it back to his territory. You know what
we're going to do? We're going to hit his place.
MCCOY: Where are they?
OXMYX: Knowing Krako, he'll probably send them back on a blotter.
KIRK: Wrong again, Oxmyx.
KIRK: Knock it off, Sawbones. I want to talk to this creep. Now listen,
I'm getting tired of playing pattycake with you penny-ante operators.
OXMYX: What do you mean, penny-ante operator?
KIRK: You're a penny-ante operator. Sit down. All right, Spocko, cover
him. Now listen, sweetheart. The Federation's moving in, taking over.
You play ball, we'll cut you in. You don't, you're out. All the way
out. You know what I mean?
OXMYX: Yeah, sure. Why didn't you say so in the first place? All you
had to do was explain it to me.
KIRK: Kirk to Enterprise.
SCOTT: Enterprise. Scott here, sir.
KIRK: You got Krako on ice?
SCOTT [OC]: Aye, he's here. Mad enough
SCOTT: To chew neutronium, but behaving himself.
KIRK [OC]: Okay, baby. Cool him till I flag you.
SCOTT: Flag me?
KIRK: Keep him until I send for him. We're going to
make some old-style phone calls from this locale. So you locate the man
on the other end of the blower and give him a ride to this flop.
SCOTT [OC]: What?
KIRK: Find the man at the other end of the phone
KIRK [OC]: And transport him to these co-ordinates.
KIRK: Can do, sweetheart?
SCOTT: Can do, Captain.
SCOTT [OC]: Standing by.
KIRK: Now you. Get on the blower and call the other bosses.
OXMYX: I sure don't know what you think you're talking about.
KIRK: Get with it. I'm giving the orders here.
OXMYX: Hello. Hello?
SCOTT [OC]: Scott here.
OXMYX: Guess who?
KIRK: Lock in and energise.
OXMYX: Yeah, you bet your life I've got a lot of nerve. What are you
going to do about it?
TEPO: Coming over with my boys and we (realises he's not where he was a
second earlier) Mother.
OXMYX: Hey, Captain, that ain't bad.
SPOCK: I would advise you to keep dialing, Oxmyx.
ZABO: All right. You know what to do. We hit Bela's
place and nobody comes out alive. All right. Let's go.
(It's getting crowded and noisy. The minor bosses
are all sporting bowler hats. Krako is there too. Kirk is standing on
the pool table.)
KIRK: All right! All right! All right! All right! Now the Federation's
taking over whether you like it or not. You people, you've been running
this planet like a piecework factory. From now on, it's going to be
under one roof. You're going to run it like a business. That means
you're going to make a profit.
TEPO: And what's your percentage?
KIRK: I'm cutting the Federation in for forty percent. You got any
TEPO: Yeah! I hear a lot of talk, but all I see here is you and a
couple of your boys. I don't see no Federation.
KRAKO: Listen. They got a ship. I know. I was there.
OXMYX: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Tepo's got a point. All we ever
seen is them.
TEPO: What, a couple of boys?
KRAKO: I'm not going to believe my eyes.
KIRK: Hang on a minute. Hang on a minute. Quiet! Just a moment!
KRAKO: Let me say something. I only saw three guys in that ship. Maybe
there ain't no more.
KIRK: There are over four hundred guys there.
KRAKO: That's your story, buster.
(There's a gunfight outside in the street.)
KRAKO: Hey, it's my boys. They're making a hit at this place.
(Everyone dashes to the windows to watch.)
OXMYX: My boys will put you down.
KRAKO: Want to bet? (gets the gun off McCoy) Keep moving. One move out
of you two, I'll drill them. Give me the hardware.
OXMYX: Hey, that's great, Krako. Now we got hostages again. We can make
a deal with the Feds up there.
KRAKO: Are you kidding? This one's all mine. From now on, nobody's
going no place. I'm going to be the big boss in this here territory.
KIRK: Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Get that heater down. Don't
you want to take a look at what you're going to fight?
KRAKO: I already seen it. You're nothing, Fed.
KIRK: All right, but at least let me call my ship one last time and say
KRAKO: Well, all right. Go ahead. Don't get smart.
KIRK: Hello, Scotty. This is Kirk.
SCOTT: Enterprise. Scott here, sir.
KIRK [OC]: Scotty, put the ship's phasers on stun. Fire a burst in a
one-block radius around these co-ordinates.
SCOTT: Right away, sir. Scott out.
(The street outside is filled with green light, and
everyone falls down. The watching bosses are stunned into silence for a
KRAKO: Gee, that's some trick.
OXMYX: Hey, did you see that?
KIRK: They're not dead, just knocked out for a while. But they might
just as well have been that way if we wanted them to.
OXMYX: Okay, okay, Kirk, so we get the message. Now, what was this
syndicate deal you were talking about?
TEPO: He was talking about a percentage.
KIRK: I was talking about both.
OXMYX: Okay. A syndicate makes sense to me. I'm a peaceful man at
heart, but I'm sick and tired of all these hits. I hit Krako, Krako
hits Tepo, Tepo hits me. There's too many bosses. We can't get anything
I was thinking if there was just one, maybe somebody like you, as the
top boss, then we can get things done.
KIRK: Hey, Bela, no, no, no. The Federation can't get connected with a
small-time operation like this. No, I was thinking, Bela, you would be
the top boss. Krako, you'd be his lieutenant. The rest of you, I don't
want any trouble from the rest of you because you'll have to answer to
the Federation. We'll be back every year to collect our cut.
TEPO: Look, you figure maybe forty percent's enough?
KIRK: Yeah, I think forty percent's sufficient.
OXMYX: It's reasonable. It sounds reasonable. That sound reasonable to
(Chorus of approval.)
KIRK: It's reasonable, Mister Oxmyx. Let's break out some of your
drinking stuff and celebrate the syndicate.
KIRK: Gentlemen, you two have been brooding ever
since we returned to the ship.
SPOCK: Brooding, Captain?
KIRK: Brooding, Mister Spock. A sombre, emotional state. Now, do you
wish to continue it or are you going to discuss it?
SPOCK: Captain, I'm neither brooding nor sombre. But I do have
reservations about your solution to the problem of the Iotians.
KIRK: Ah, yes. I understand that. You don't think it's logical to leave
a criminal organisation in charge.
SPOCK: Highly irregular, to say the least, Captain. I'm also curious as
to how you propose to explain to Starfleet Command
that a starship will be sent each year to collect our cut.
KIRK: Yes, that's a very good question, Mister Spock. I propose our cut
be put into the planetary treasury and used to guide the Iotians into a
more ethical system. Despite themselves, they'll be forced to accept
conventional responsibilities. Isn't that logical?
All right, Bones, in the language of the planet, what's your beef?
MCCOY: I don't know how serious this is, Jim, and I don't quite know
how to tell you
KIRK: Go ahead.
MCCOY: But in all the confusion I
KIRK: Tell me.
MCCOY: I think I left it in Bela's office.
KIRK: You left it?
MCCOY: Somewhere. I'm not certain.
KIRK: You're not certain of what?
MCCOY: I left my communicator.
KIRK: In Bela's office?
SPOCK: Captain. If the Iotians, who are very bright and imitative
people, should take that communicator apart
KIRK: They will, they will. And they'll find out how the transtator
SPOCK: The transtator is the basis for every important piece of
equipment that we have.
MCCOY: You really think it's that serious?
KIRK: Serious? Serious, Bones? It upsets the whole percentage.
MCCOY: How do you mean?
KIRK: Well, in a few years, the Iotians may demand a piece of our