Mudd's Passion
Stardate: 4978.5
Original Airdate: 10 Nov, 1973

Captain's log, stardate 4978.4. We are approaching the Arcadian star system on a mission to locate an old friend.

[Bridge]

KIRK: Do you think Harry Mudd is down there, Spock?
SPOCK: The probability of his presence on Motherlode is eight one percent plus or minus point five three.
MCCOY: Why can't you just say, Mudd's probably there.
SPOCK: I just did, Doctor.
AREX: Approaching parking orbit, Captain.
KIRK: Very well, Mister Arex. Spock, let's see how close your percentage is.

[Marquee]

(Harry Mudd is giving his spiel to an audience of humans and bears)
MUDD: Now, you're all heavy metal miners, shrewd and intelligent. So you can appreciate the incredible value I'm offering. With this magical liquid, no person of the opposite sex can resist you. It matters not whether you are young, old, fat, ugly or repugnant.
(Kirk and Spock beam down)
MUDD: Nothing personal, gentle beings.
LADY BEAR: Proof, human.
MUDD: Proof? Behold.
(A lovely blonde lady walks up to him)
LORA: Harry, darling. I was lonely for you.
MUDD: Behold. I placed a single drop of this miracle substance on meself, then simply touched this young lady.
LORA: Please, darling, come back to the ship with me.
MINER: How much?
MUDD: Three hundred credits, or the
MINER: Three hundred?
MUDD: A bargain, sir. True love is worth any price. Captain Kirk! And the ineluctable Mister Spock. Welcome to Motherlode, gentlemen. Interested in purchasing a little love?
KIRK: We're interested in you, Harry. For fraud, illegal drug manufacture and swindling.
MUDD: As I said, welcome to Motherlode, a charming planet which does not recognise Federation law.
MINER: So you two can keep out of this. All right, Mudd. You've got a deal.
SPOCK: Are you aware that Harry Mudd is tricking you via an illusion?
MINER: What?
(Spock fires his phaser at the girl, which turns into a reptile)
SPOCK: The so-called girl is a Rigelian hypnoid, projecting a simple illusion.
(Uproar)
MUDD: Now, friends.
KIRK: We can't arrest you, Harry, but you can give yourself up.
MUDD: No.
MINER: Thief.
(The audience start throwing stones)
MUDD: I surrender myself with free will. Mercy of the law.
(Spock phasers a ditch and rampart between themselves and the mob)

[Transporter room]

MUDD: Ah, that was a miching trick, Kirk. You've cost me me ship, everything I own. Even the love crystals. I may just sue you.
KIRK: Fine. I'll see you in court, Harry.

[Brig]

(Chapel tends to where Harry got hit by a rock)
CHAPEL: A minor bruise, Captain. He'll live.
KIRK: I thought we left you on the robot planet, Harry. Permanently.
MUDD: Never underestimate the spirit of Harcourt Fenton Mudd. I borrowed a vehicle.
SPOCK: Stole a spaceship.
MUDD: And left to find haven on Ilyra Six. A charming planet, an innocent and friendly populace.
KIRK: To whom you sold the Starfleet Space Academy. Harry.
SPOCK: A fraud. But sold for enough credits to get to Sirius Nine.
MUDD: Where I discovered a boon to humanoid life, a miracle love potion.
KIRK: Which you sold to a thousand inhabitants, who immediately became ill from using it.
MUDD: I hadn't counted on their unusual biochemistry. So, I did the logical thing. I left in haste.
KIRK: And came here to swindle honest miners.
MUDD: The love potion works, Captain. If you'll allow me to procure some from my ship
(but they leave and activate the forcefield)

[Corridor]

(Immediately outside the Brig)
KIRK: Prepare the arrest report, Mister Spock.
(Kirk leaves)
SPOCK I shall require a medical report on the prisoner, Miss Chapel.
CHAPEL: Of course, Mister Spock. I think you deserve congratulations for trapping him so cleverly.
SPOCK: You exaggerate, Nurse. Kindly see that your medical summary is more precise.
(Spock leaves)
MUDD: Your Mister Spock is really a very attractive intelligence.
CHAPEL: An efficient officer, yes.
MUDD: But a trifle lacking in the warmer emotions. Now, you, Nurse. You have a wonderful gift to heal the wounded, a fantastic touch. A womanly, feminine quality. I appreciate that. And I should like to, well, thank you.
(He offers her a crystal)
CHAPEL: What is it?
MUDD: My love potion. Not illusion, not trickery, dear Nurse Chapel. Inside this crystal lies the power to create love.
CHAPEL: No. No, I've heard of your potions before. I don't believe you.
MUDD: Think about it, darling. Mister Spock in love with you.

[Bridge]

AREX: An uncharted star system ahead, Captain.
SPOCK: Binary sun with a Class M planet. That's rare enough to warrant investigation.
KIRK: Agreed. Take us into orbit, Lieutenant Arex.

[Brig]

MUDD: It's really so simple, my dear. You rub the liquid on yourself, then touch another person.
CHAPEL: And it creates love in that person? Mudd, that is totally absurd.
MUDD: No, it is infallible. One touch evokes friendship between men or women. But between woman and man, love. Guaranteed. You're not simply a beautiful woman, you are a scientist. I urge you to take this love crystal as my gift of gratitude to you. Take it, dear Nurse Chapel, and conduct your own experiment.
CHAPEL: Not that I believe you, but, well, I suppose I could analyse it.
MUDD: Of course.

[Bridge]

AREX: Parking orbit stable. Weapons systems on defensive standby.
SPOCK: No evidence of intelligent life. Atmosphere at surface, eight hundred millibars, breathable. Gravity one point two. Temperature hot, but within Class M limits.

[Brig]

(The forcefield is down so Mudd can give Chapel the crystal)
CHAPEL: I'll let you know the results of my analysis.
MUDD: Laboratory tests would destroy it, my dear. Why not test it the way it's meant to be used?
CHAPEL: No, I
MUDD: Ah, darling, think. If it does what I say it does, Spock will be yours forever, my dear.
CHAPEL: I just break the capsule and rub it on my skin?
MUDD: And then touch him.
(She breaks the capsule between her hands, and gasps)
CHAPEL: What is it?
MUDD: A temporary effect as the liquid is absorbed.
(He steps into the corridor to catch her as she wobbles, and take her pouch)
MUDD: It'll pass.
CHAPEL: I feel better.
MUDD: Didn't I tell you?
CHAPEL: You should, you should be in the Brig, Harry.
MUDD: Oh, right you are, darling.
(He steps back in and she reactivates the forcefield.
MUDD: Why don't you go find Spock? Can't waste any time, you know.
CHAPEL: Yes, I'll do that. (Harry uses what he stole from Christine to get out of the Brig, and change her photo-ID card so he is now Lieutenant Christine Chapel)

[Spock's quarters]

SPOCK: Yes, Nurse?
CHAPEL: I brought the medical summary for the arrest report, Mister Spock.
(She stumbles and ends up sitting on his lap)
CHAPEL: Sorry, sir.
SPOCK: Are you injured, Miss Chapel?
CHAPEL: No. No, I, I'm fine. Are you feeling all right?
SPOCK: Perfectly normal. I will append your summary to the report. Was there something else, Miss Chapel?
CHAPEL: Wouldn't you like me to, well, stay? Help you?
SPOCK: That would be illogical, Miss Chapel.
CHAPEL: Yes. Yes, It'd be stupid.

[Corridor]

CHAPEL: Harry Mudd, you swindling
(She goes to the brig and finds it empty. Then she discovers the pouch is empty too)
CHAPEL: Oh, no!

[Shuttlebay]

MUDD: Harry Mudd, triumphant again.
(As he surveys the array of shuttlecraft available to him)

[Spock's quarters]

SPOCK: And appended hereto is a medical summary by Nurse Christine Chapel. Ah, Nurse Chapel's sweet summary. Dear, lovely Christine.

[Shuttlebay]

(Chapel karate-chops Harry to the floor and gets her possessions back)
CHAPEL: I've come to collect on your guarantee, Mister Mudd.

[Bridge]

SPOCK: Captain. Doctor. I wish to report a, er, a number of very strange, um, emotions.
MCCOY: What?
KIRK: What?

[Shuttlebay]

MUDD: You're implying the potion was not completely successful?
CHAPEL: Oh, no, it was. I made a complete fool of myself.
MUDD: But you know how cold Vulcans are. Perhaps it takes a bit more time for Spock to
CHAPEL: You're the same fraud you've always been, Harry. I don't know how I could have believed you.
MUDD: Well, let's discuss it rationally, my dear. Let's not be hasty.
CHAPEL: Don't panic, Harry. This phaser is set on stun, not kill. Activate the intercom.
MUDD: Now wait a minute. Perhaps that particular crystal was defective. Here, try another. I assure you
CHAPEL: Stop it!
(She fires, missing Harry but hitting the crystals, which then evaporate into the ventilation system. Then she sets off the Red Alert. Mudd overpowers her)
MUDD: Sorry, Christine, but I shall require a temporary hostage.

[Bridge]

AREX: Internal security, Captain.
KIRK: Put it on screen.
AREX: Shuttlecraft bay.
(They see Harry carry Chapel into a shuttlecraft)
SPOCK: Mudd. And he has Christine. She's in danger. My love.
(Everyone stares, Arex whistles. The shuttlecraft launches)
SULU: He's going planet side.
SPOCK: No. Not with my Christine.

[Shuttlecraft]

MUDD: Relax, darling. I'll set you down somewhere safe and then I'll be off discreetly.

[Bridge]

SPOCK: We must go after them, Captain. I'll lead a landing party.
MCCOY: Spock, you're obviously not yourself. Maybe some rest.
SPOCK: Captain, I insist upon going. Christine. I can't stand the thought of any danger to her, to the woman I love.
KIRK: Love?
MCCOY: Spock?
SPOCK: Yes. I want to protect her, hold her in my arms.
KIRK: Then I'll transport down with you.
SPOCK: Good.
)Spock leaves) 
MCCOY: Jim, is that wise, in his condition?
KIRK: Try and stop him. It's better if I go with him.
(Kirk leaves)
SCOTT: Spock? In love?
M'RESS: I can't imagine.
(Then the love vapour comes through the vents)
SCOTT: Love.

Captain's log, supplemental. Harry Mudd has escaped from the Enterprise, taking Head Nurse Chapel with him, apparently as a hostage. Meanwhile, Mister Spock is acting very strange.

[Transporter room]

SPOCK: Come on. Hurry! If he's harmed one hair on her pretty head
MCCOY: Jim, the search party found this in the shuttlecraft bay.
KIRK: One of Mudd's love crystals.
MCCOY: Captain, a number of these were broken against the ship's air system grill.
KIRK: Lucky for us they don't work.
MCCOY: Are we sure, Jim? A number of the crew are acting as strange as Spock.
SPOCK: Please, Captain.
KIRK: Check it out, Bones. Send me an immediate report.

[Bridge]

M'RESS: Mudd has landed on the planet surface. Co-ordinates relayed to Transporter room four.
SCOTT: And the Captain's in transports about it with our ever-loving Mister Spock.
M'RESS: You're funny, and very attractive for a human.

[Planet surface]

MUDD: They'll find you soon enough, me little poppet. You'll be safe and I'll be long gone.
CHAPEL: Gone where? The planet's a desert.
MUDD: There's always a market for an ingenious man. Once, I recall, on Omega Cygni, I turned a handsome profit selling the natives their own oceans.
CHAPEL: We haven't seen any traces of intelligent life. Of any life.
MUDD: Then you can relax. There's no danger, ay? We'll get you set up top class. Don't bother to thank me.
CHAPEL: Well, I hadn't planned on it.
(Does that rocky outcrop look like it has forelegs with claws? Yes, and it opens a yellow eye to prove it)

[Bridge]

(The bridge crew are so relaxed, Arex is playing a lute with all three hands)
AREX: By the way, anybody keeping a trace on the Captain and Mister Spock?
M'RESS: Sure, Arex.

[Planet surface]

(Kirk and Spock materialise. Kirk grabs Spock as his foot sinks into the soft sand)
SPOCK: Thanks Jim. It's good to have a friend like you.
KIRK: Strange, that's the way I feel about you, too. My dear friend, Spock. Come, let's go get Mudd and Christine.
(The rock creature raises itself up, causing a small ground quake. It smashes the shuttlecraft. Three phasers make it annoyed. Then another one wakes up)
SPOCK: Darling, are you all right?
CHAPEL: D-darling?
MUDD: Kirk, get us out of here.
KIRK: Transporter room, emergency beam up now.
(But the transporter technician is dancing with someone and taking no notice)
KIRK: They're not responding.
SPOCK: Don't worry. You'll be safe, darling.
CHAPEL: Yes, Spock. How wonderful.
MUDD: They're coming closer.
KIRK: Emergency beam up. Enterprise, come in. No response. Spock, can't you take your hands off her?
SPOCK: That's my affair.
CHAPEL: Captain, please.
KIRK: I think we should get a few things straight.
SPOCK: Jim. No. Captain. We're both reacting to the drug. The love potion.
MUDD: It worked?
KIRK: Yes, we have to control our emotional reactions.
MUDD: It worked! And I was selling those crystals to lump-headed miners for a miserable three hundred credits.

[Rec room]

MCCOY: Did I ever tell you about the time I saved Captain Kirk's life? Or Spock's?
(The woman shakes her head)
MCCOY: And my dear friend Scotty. And that pretty little Lieutenant Uhura. I've saved just about everybody on this here ship. If the Enterprise had a heart, I'd save her too. Now, let's talk about your heart, my dear.

[Planet surface]

KIRK: How long does the effect of the potion last, Harry?
MUDD: I, I don't know. Not long, according to the creature I swindled, I purchased the crystals from.
CHAPEL: Look!
(The creatures are coming)
KIRK: Keep trying to contact the Enterprise. Maybe we can distract them.
SPOCK: That is an outstandingly stupid idea. I'm sorry. The drug. I simply doubt that we can appeal to their better nature. If they have one.
KIRK: Harry, do you have any of the crystals left?
MUDD: Two. No! They're worth a fortune. No. My friends, dear Christine, for you, for all of us.

[Bridge]

SCOTT: I've got a hangover to shame all previous hangovers. And I did not touch a drop of Scotch.
M'RESS: Not so loud, you fool.
SCOTT: Yeah, well, all of a sudden I don't like you much either.
CHAPEL [OC]: Come in, Enterprise. Emergency beam up. Repeat, emergency.
M'RESS: Enterprise here.

[Planet surface]

CHAPEL: I made contact.
KIRK: Great. I hope we last long enough to be beamed up. Phasers ready. I'll need help.
(They fire, then as one opens it's mouth to roar again, Kirk throws the crystals in. The thing becomes nice to the tiny humans, and nasty towards it's fellow rock creature. The four are beamed away before a tail comes slamming down where they were standing)

[Brig]

(Chapel is recording Mudd's full confession)
MUDD: And then on Ophiucus Six, I conned two miners out of a year's supply of dilithium crystals with fake Federation vouchers.
(Spock enters)
SPOCK: May I help you record his confession, Nurse?
CHAPEL: You? You'd be the last person I'd choose.
SPOCK: A few moments of love, paid for with several hours of hatred. Your potion is scarcely a bargain, Harry.
MUDD: Ah, well, Spock. So few things in this universe are perfect. Think I'll get rehabilitation therapy again?
SPOCK: I can guarantee it.
MUDD: Well, that's all right. I just hate to leave you all. All my loved ones.

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