[OC]: The speed of light is 299,792,458 metres per second. Pain travels
through the body at 350 feet per second. Even a sneeze can reach
100 miles per hour. And as for life, well, that just bloody whizzes by.
(A man is lying face up in the middle of the
tarmac. He looks quite peaceful. Then he opens his eyes, looks around
EUGENE [OC]: So then, this is me, Eugene Jones.
(He gets up and walks past the black Range Rover, then under the police
tape towards the ambulance and police cars. There is a body lying face
down on the grass verge.)
EUGENE: Hey, Gwen. Jack. Er, Tosh. The guys at the rope just let me
GWEN: I'd say at least fifty miles per hour.
JACK: Travelled on the bonnet, bounced, maybe rolled, smashed his face
on the road.
EUGENE: Hey? Er, excuse me, but that looks a lot like me.
(It does, apart from the blood.)
TOSH: He couldn't even cross the road without messing it up.
GWEN: No bag, nothing. I mean, what was he doing here? Perhaps he was
hit deliberately? Maybe he really did have something important.
TOSH: Like what?
GWEN: I don't know. He was always trying to talk to us, show us stuff.
Perhaps we shouldn't have been so
TOSH: Gwen, I think it's just an ordinary RTA.
JACK: It was a red car. There's red paint under his fingernails.
EUGENE: Am I dead?
(He puts his arm through Tosh.)
EUGENE: Am I dead? Am I dead?
(A mobile phone rings in the grass. Tosh picks it up.)
BRONWEN [OC]: Hello, love. I've just been to the shops and forgot
(Tosh hands the phone to Gwen.)
BRONWEN [OC]: Hello? Eugene?
GWEN: Hi, Mrs Jones. Something's happened. We need to talk to you.
EUGENE [OC]: What happened? How did I end up here? I mean, I'm dead?
But I'm not dead. So, shit! So, what? Am I a ghost or a zombie?
Oh, God. Right, calm. Yeah? Stick with the team.
GWEN: What? You're driving.
EUGENE [OC]: This is Torchwood, it's going to be okay.
(He sits next to Gwen in the back, then fails to
see his reflection in the rear view mirror.)
EUGENE: Oh, what? Of course, I'm invisible. Why am I invisible?
JACK: Anything on his phone from today?
GWEN: Just some pictures of random shoes.
EUGENE: Mind you, it feels kind of familiar. You know what? Whatever's
happened, all of a sudden, I'm somewhere I've always wanted to be.
Let's back up a bit. I mean, every story's got a beginning. I think
mine began here.
EUGENE [OC]: The final of the Interschool Maths
Competition, 1992. I used to be a maths head. Binary coding, topology,
quadratics, I loved stuff like that.
And I'm supposed to be really good at it.
QUESTION MASTER [OC]: Thirty four, and Rushmore a mountainous forty
two. So we congratulate the winning team, Rushmore.
EUGENE [OC]: Dad took the day off work to come and see me, but when the
moment mattered, I blanked, let the side down, made a mess of it.
Everyone blamed me for losing the final, but it must have been what
happened afterwards that started this whole thing off.
(His father had been filming the contest. Young Eugene is brooding in
the science lab. A teacher comes in.)
GARRET: Have you ever had a proper look at the collection?
EUGENE: No, sir.
GARRET: Would you like to?
EUGENE: No, sir.
GARRET: I play golf.
EUGENE: Oh. Good, sir.
GARRET: I play golf, and one day when I was playing really badly, I was
stuck in the first bunker whacking away at all the sand, and this fell
out of the sky.
(He takes a small round object from a display case of fossils and
GARRET: And landed, plop, beside me.
EUGENE: From the sky?
GARRET: Yeah. It looks a bit like a golf ball, so I picked it up and
put it in my pocket. But when I had a proper look later. Here.
(He hands it to Eugene.)
GARRET: I realised it was an eye. And I thought, well, Where could that
have come from? It fell from the sky. Isn't that amazing? Have it.
(As young Eugene looks into the Eye, something inside moved. Then his
Dad bursts in.)
SHAUN: Where the bloody hell have you been?
GARRET: Good evening.
SHAUN: Good evening. Come on, Eugene.
GARRET: Have you got everything?
EUGENE: Yes. Thanks, sir.
(Eugene contemplates the Eye whilst his parents
SHAUN: I went to the school, didn't I!
EUGENE [OC]: Dad was mad at me for losing the final. But now I had the
Eye. And what I realised was, if it fell from the sky, it probably, '
no, no, it almost certainly belonged to an alien.
(The argument is continuing whilst Eugene is in bed.)
SHAUN [OC]: I'm off!
(Slam! The back ground music starts up - Starman by David Bowie. Eugene
knocks on his bedroom window as his father gets into the car.)
EUGENE [OC]: That was the night Dad went away. But it was okay, because
I had the Eye, and the possibility of an alien encounter.
I mean, if you leave something really important behind, you come back
and get it. Don't you? God, I wanted that alien to come back and claim
his Eye more than I wanted anything in my life. I worked out the
possible provenance, the life form and galaxy, planetary escape
velocities, launch windows, necessary fuel capacities. And then, I
BOWIE: There's a Starman waiting in the sky He'd like to come and meet
us but he thinks he'll blow our minds. There's a Starman
waiting in the sky He's told us not to blow it
EUGENE [OC]: My dad never came back. As I got older, I became
interested in UFOs, collected alien artefacts, watched the stars and
waited alone for my alien.
And then, I found you, Gwen Cooper.
(Eugene is with other spectators behind the police
EUGENE: Hi, I'm Eugene Jones and, er, I have a keen interest in your
work and, er, I've got something to. I'd just like to show
JACK [OC]: Gwen, come on!
EUGENE: Hi. Okay, what it is, these
GWEN: Look, I've got to go.
EUGENE: No, please, these
(His papers blow away in the wind.)
EUGENE [OC]: But I couldn't quite make contact.
OWEN: Hmm, you again.
EUGENE: Gwen, I've got this thing I really need to show you. Sorry,
(Torchwood drives away.)
EUGENE [OC]: I couldn't get you interested in the Eye, no matter how
hard I tried.
BRONWEN: Are you sure it's my Eugene?
GWEN: Yes, Mrs Jones.
BRONWEN: Perhaps you couldn't really identify him.
GWEN: We could.
BRONWEN: But that's his tea there.
(A plate warming on a pan.)
(Eugene goes upstairs - passing through solid
objects doesn't hinder that - to find Ianto and Owen searching his Star
Trek magazines. Owen knocks some on the floor.)
(There is a flyer for a lecture on Black Holes and the Uncertainty
OWEN: What are we doing here?
IANTO: Look at this.
(A collection of labelled artefacts. Fragment of shuttle, Pilurian
currency, the 100 Clusters of Pixian asterites, Dactovian rock shards,
and something beginning with Tha which I cannot read at the back.)
(Downstairs, Eugene's young brother is coping with
his grief by watching a nature programme on television.)
GWEN: Do you understand what's happened to your brother, Terry?
TERRY: He walked into a road and got run over.
GWEN: Where's your dad?
TERRY: He works for a big corporation in America.
EUGENE: That's pre-Gorgon Pilurian currency. I had
GWEN: Are these Roman coins?
(Owen has another of the artefacts.)
OWEN: Hey, look, Rice Krispies. Man, there are some rogues out there.
GWEN: Oh, hang on, there's something missing here. Mrs Jones, do you
know what's missing from Eugene's collection?
BRONWEN: Why didn't they stop? They killed my boy and just drove on.
(The team box up Eugene's stuff and carry it out.)
OWEN: Excuse me.
GWEN: I am sorry, Mrs Jones.
EUGENE: Look, Mum, I'm sorry, but we've got the best team ever working
on this. Torchwood, me, top. We'll get it sorted, Mum.
See, I think there's probably been some mistake, so er, so. I gotta go.
(Eugene leaves his mother sobbing on the doorstep.)
GWEN: I want to know what he last ate, where he'd
EUGENE: Oh, wow! This is, this is. I am totally. Christ almighty! The
Head of Vexor 11. No way. And wow, a hand In a jar.
GWEN: What was he doing out on that road?
OWEN: Oh, fuck knows. Categorising chevrons. He was a geek.
EUGENE: Oh, this is truly legendary.
OWEN: Gwen, he had a bit of a thing about you, and
now you're feeling guilty.
GWEN: Sod off, Owen.
OWEN: You do it then.
GWEN: I do it. The autopsy.
OWEN: Yes. I've got a stack of admin.
GWEN: Okay, good.
OWEN: You're sure?
EUGENE: I am in heaven. Am I? Is that?
OWEN: Number three scalpel. Start at the sternum. Piece of piss.
EUGENE: Okay, here we go. This is also new to me, but in an
investigation like this
(Eugene faints, and Gwen looks around.)
IANTO: Okay, a red Vauxhall has been stopped outside Caernarfon. A very
drunk guy has admitted knocking a man over near Cardiff. Fit's Eugene's
The man says he thought he'd be okay, so he drove on.
OWEN: Ah, he was a sweet guy. That's very sad. Now, can we get on with
some proper work, please?
(Later, Eugene recovers to the sound of Antony and the Johnsons singing
Hope There's Someone.)
SINGER: Hope there's someone who'll take care of me when I die Will I
go? Hope there's someone who'll set my heart free. Nice to hold when
I'm tired. There's a ghost on the horizon. When I go to bed how can I
fall asleep at night? How will I rest my head? I'm scared of the middle
place or paralyse in light And godsend I don't want to go.
GWEN: Do you think Eugene committed suicide?
TOSH: It was a road accident and there was no alien involved.
GWEN: See, I'm not so sure because something seems really odd. I mean,
I just, I just feel that there's something going on.
OWEN: Marvellous. Thank you for that Disney moment. Now, who's making
GWEN: I suppose Eugene's a bit odd. and a real local and amateur for
OWEN: And why is it that only Gwen seems to have a heart? I don't know
if you've noticed but the rest of us are human, and amazingly we still
manage to get on with our jobs.
JACK: Okay, you two.
GWEN: Okay, fine, leave it. Forget it. I have.
(Later, Owen is watching A for Andromeda on the
GWEN: Is that Eugene's DVD?
OWEN: No. Yes. It was on loan from a video store.
GWEN: You were nicking his stuff?
OWEN: I was going to take it back.
GWEN: I'll do it.
OWEN: Suits me. There'll be a fine.
(Gwen puts Eugene's Contents of Pockets back into a box, but keeps the
GWEN: I'm going to go for some lunch.
OWEN: All right.
GWEN: Hi. Do you know when the video shop round the
OWNER: No, he's a law unto himself.
EUGENE: Gwen? Gwen, what are you doing here? This is my lunch cafe.
This is where I come
GWEN: Do you know someone called Eugene Jones?
EUGENE: That's me, mate. That's me.
GWEN: Middle height, sandy hair, ordinary looking.
OWNER: No. What can I do for you, love?
EUGENE: I come in here every day. Two eggs, ham and chips every day.
GWEN: Two eggs, ham and chips, please.
EUGENE: So, so, wow, this is so weird. I used to follow you around. Now
you're following me. Yeah.
(Gwen goes through the wierd images of people's shoes on Eugene's
EUGENE: No, you see, I don't know whose those are. I can't remember
anything, except. Phone Gary. He might know something. Phone Gary.
(Gwen phones Gary.)
GARY [OC]: Hi, this is Gary. Please leave a message.
GWEN: Hi, my name is Gwen Cooper. I have some very bad news for you,
Gary. I'll give you a call back later.
(Her meal arrives.)
EUGENE: That is so beautiful.
(Walking With Dinosaurs is on the store screen.)
TV: These ancient creatures have had their day. All over these lush
fern prairies a grim evolutionary battle has broken out among the newer
types of reptile.
JOSH: Hi, gorgeous. Want to borrow a dream?
GWEN: No, thank you. I want to return some DVDs on behalf of someone
JOSH: Deceased? No shit. That's pretty final.
GWEN: Eugene Jones?
JOSH: Hey, I think he used to come in here, with a mate. Bit of a
dreamer, kind of
JOSH: Ordinary looking.
GWEN: Yeah. He was killed in a road accident.
JOSH: That's bad. Sweet guy. Thirty four pounds, please.
GWEN + EUGENE: Thirty four pounds?
JOSH: Yeah. Sorry. He's had 'em out ages. I haven't seen him in months.
I don't think I can bend the rules, just cos he's dead.
EUGENE: Bread-head bastard. Sorry, Gwen.
GWEN: That's okay.
JOSH: Did he, er, did he walk into the oncoming traffic? See, lot a
people come in here. They don't want to be themselves any more, they
want to be someone else.
They want me to transport them. How about you, baby?
EUGENE: Oh, leave it out.
GWEN: I'm fine, thank you. How about you?
JOSH: Me? I'm outta here. Moving to London in a couple of months. You
know what I'm sayin'? You see, no disrespect, but Eugene had loser
written through him like Brighton in a stick of rock. Maybe he just
couldn't live with his failure.
You wanna write the cheque?
EUGENE [OC]: Failure? Is that right? Has my life just been one big
failure? I mean, maybe I never quite lived up to my early promises of
but that's because I was waiting for the alien to collect his Eye and
change my life. And while I was waiting, I joined Passmore Telesales.
EUGENE: Oh, yes. This is all nauseatingly familiar.
EUGENE [OC]: Selling kitchens, home insurance, barbeque sets. Selling
life and still waiting.
(Gwen is looking for the right footwear.)
EUGENE: Jason. Kevin. The guy with the personal hygiene problem.
Nothing changes, really. Hi, Morag.
Me and Morag used to go out.
(Gwen spots one pair, the Converse trainers.)
EUGENE [OC]: So, how come I can remember the details of my fascinating
daily life, but the vital couple of weeks before I died are still a
complete mystery to me?
GWEN: Are you Gary?
GARY: Yeah, yeah. How do you, er? Oh, are you?
GWEN: Gwen? Yes. I was just wondering whether you saw Eugene the day he
GARY: No. Sorry. Just doing a card. You know Good luck in your new job?
PETE: No. Who's it for, then?
GARY: His mum, you idiot.
PETE: Shit. Can you rub that out?
GARY: It's in Biro. People just don't understand.
(Gary storms off and Eugene follows him.)
EUGENE: Don't worry, mate, it's okay.
LINDA: Is it true? He got run over?
LINDA: Oh, God. Sorry. I'm Linda. I'm a Silver Seller. It's all about
belief, see? If necessary, I am Kitchens For A Lifetime. Eugene was
only ever himself.
GWEN: He wasn't the best salesman then?
LINDA: No. I think Craig kept him on out of the goodness of his heart.
Have you met Craig?
GWEN: Is he your boss? Are you two an item?
EUGENE: A snog in the ladies at the Christmas party.
LINDA: But I can't talk about it here cos of Craig's, you know,
GWEN: Do you want to meet lunchtime for a chat?
GWEN: Okay. Where does Gary sit?
LINDA: Number fifty.
GWEN: Okay, thank you. Thanks.
(Gwen sits at desk number fifty and her phone rings.)
OWEN [OC]: Gwen, Jack wants to know where you are.
GWEN: Yeah, sorry. I had a few things to sort out. I'll be back later.
(Gary has the same lecture flyer on his desk. She takes it.)
OWEN [OC]: Yeah, well, make it quick.
LINDA: Well, one day Eugene came in, very low.
GWEN: Why? Why was he low?
LINDA: He wouldn't talk about it. Anyway, I was fed up too because
Craig had. Well, anyway, I said, I'd love to get away from it all
and go to Australia. Eugene suddenly got very excited. He said, yes,
you've got to go. I said, but I haven't got the money, and he said he'd
get it for me.
GWEN: So he was going to pay for a ticket for you to go to Australia
with him? Was he in love with you?
LINDA: Oh, no. He loved someone he said was unattainable. He was just
trying to look after me. He said, don't stay here
and waste your life waiting for something that may never happen.
GWEN: Where was he going to get the money from?
EUGENE: You said, you haven't bought socks in six years.
LINDA: I said, you haven't even had a new pair of socks in six years.
He stood up, and he said. That's your phone.
GWEN: Yeah, he said?
LINDA: He said, I'm going to sell it. I said, what? He said, my alien
LINDA: So he brought it in to work.
PETE: It's a plastic eye.
EUGENE: It's an alien body part, and I'm going to sell it on eBay.
LINDA: Eugene, it's very nice of you, but I don't think that's going to
get me the bus into town, let alone a flight to Sydney.
LINDA: Some people laughed, but he went ahead, and
of course, it just sat there.
EUGENE: She said maybe a photo, you know, a bit more of a description,
LINDA: Then, out of the blue, £2.50. A kid from Birmingham. And then
GARY: Eugene, you got a couple more bids. Bloody
hell. Seventy five quid.
LINDA [OC]: That was just the beginning. Two hundred, three hundred,
one thousand. They just kept on going up.
LINDA: Three thousand pounds. For a spare body
part. Pete said you can get a bathroom suite with a celebrity
appearance for less than that. And then one day, it just jumped.
LINDA: Oh, my God, Eugene, you're rich!
LINDA: Fifteen thousand and five pounds fifty.
EUGENE: So, who bought it?
GWEN: Who bought it?
LINDA: I've no idea. Is it all my fault?
GWEN: No, of course it's not.
(Gwen's phone rings again.)
GWEN: I'm sorry. Hello?
BRONWEN [OC]: Hi, it's Eugene's mum.
GWEN: Mrs Jones.
BRONWEN [OC]: There's something I think you should see.
GWEN: Okay. I'll come over. That was Eugene's mum. I'm sorry, Linda,
I'm going to have to go. I'm sorry.
(Eugene and Terry are watching the video of the
SHAUN [OC]: There he is. My son at the Interschool Maths Final. Big
moment. Youngest contestant in Wales.
QUESTION MASTER [OC]: So, it's down to the wire, the last question will
settle the final. What curve is represented by Y squared = 4ax?
SHAUN [OC]: Oh, come on. You got a brain the size of Cardiff Arms Park.
What's the friggin' problem?
QUESTION MASTER [OC]: What curve is represented by Y squared = 4ax?
(Young Eugene doesn't answer parabola.)
SHAUN [OC]: Don't do this. Don't let me down, boy.
QUESTION MASTER [OC]: No? Time's up. No additional points. The final
GWEN: I don't understand. Someone gave him the Eye as a consolation
BRONWEN: Yeah, it was that Mister Garrett, the science teacher. A
plastic eye, as a consolation prize. Still, Eugene treasured it.
TERRY: That was the night Dad walked out.
BRONWEN: Went away.
TERRY: You can stop now, Mum.
BRONWEN: What do you mean?
TERRY: He's dead. He may have been able to square the root of the
square friggin' root, but he couldn't cross the friggin' road.
BRONWEN: Terry, please!
GWEN: He sold the Eye online. So something must have happened.
TERRY: Dad left when he found out Eugene was a failure. That's what
Eugene always said.
BRONWEN: That's not true. None of that's true. He went cos of his job.
He has a very important job.
GWEN: Does Mister Jones know about Eugene?
BRONWEN: Well, you see, he works for a big corporation in America.
TERRY: Stop giving us that shit. He's not Superman, Mum! He works at a
garage on Filey Road. Eugene found him about two weeks ago. He found
him on the internet.
He's a cashier, works nights.
EUGENE [OC]: Oh, God, now I remember why I sold the Eye. Life can be
such a let down, can't it?
(Gwen drives to the garage that night to see
EUGENE [OC]: All those years I'd believed my dad had gone to America
because I was a failure. And here he was, all along, doing his
work in Filey Road, Cardiff. When I found him, I couldn't even bear to
say hello. I'd spent my life believing in stupid stories, fantasies.
I've wasted my life. Once I'd seen him there, everything I'd dreamed
about was like rubbish, it was just a crock of shit, including the Eye.
So why not sell it? Along with the woodworm treatment and loft
insulation, and all the other crap floating round the world. Linda was
welcome to the money.
(Gwen is about to get out of the car.)
EUGENE: No. No. No, don't, Gwen.
EUGENE: I don't want anything to do with him. I'm sorry.
GWEN: It's okay.
(Gwen puts Eugene's personal effects in her
JACK: You turned your phone off.
GWEN: It was Eugene. He didn't understand why his father left. He just
needs a bit of help.
JACK: To do what? He's dead.
GWEN: Yes, Jack, I know he's dead, but
EUGENE: This is not sounding good, Gwen.
JACK: I've got work to do.
EUGENE: Eh? No. You can't just stop. I mean, what about the fifteen
thousand pounds? Gwen? Gwen.
GWEN: Okay, listen to this. Eugene had an alien Eye in his collection.
He sold it online.
JACK: What, like a sixth eye? A Dogon sixth eye?
JACK: It's possible. There was a trade in them. Who's got it?
GWEN: I don't know, but I've nearly tracked it down. What exactly is a
sixth eye? I mean, exactly?
JACK: It's one in the back. Let's you see behind you, where you've
been. Kind of puts things in perspective. It's useful, fun, slightly
terrifying. That's why they were in demand.
EUGENE: See? See? I told you.
GWEN: I can get it for you.
EUGENE: My alien. See? See?
JACK: Okay, you've got the weekend. But keep your phone on.
EUGENE: God, you are brilliant. And I'm brilliant too.
(Gwen unfolds the lecture flyer.)
EUGENE: Oh yeah, of course, Gary and me were going to go to that talk
EUGENE [OC]: Black holes and anti-matter were
pretty important to me and Gary, but if I'm going to spend a night by
the sea, I know who I'd rather be with. I'd trust you with my life, if,
you know, I still had one.
(Gary runs, then comes back.)
GARY: I'm not proud of what I've done.
GWEN: You hiked the bid?
GARY: I created three or four online aliases, and used them to inflate
GWEN: But why?
GARY: At first, just to cheer him up. He was miserable. But then the
bidding took off and we got, I mean, I was involved at first.
I was just helping Eugene make money, and then one morning
[Outside Passmore Telesales]
(Gary is having a cigarette.)
EUGENE: Gary! Gary, I think it's him.
EUGENE: The alien. My alien. I think he's come back to claim what's
rightfully his. Gary, I'd stopped believing in him.
I mean, I thought I was just a total sucker, but who else would be
bidding this kind of money for a prosthetic eye?
He couldn't contact me any other way, so
GARY: So he chose eBay?
EUGENE: Cyberspace. I mean, even an online auction has a certain
elegant symmetry. I think I'm finally going to meet him.
GARY: Well, I was doubtful at first, you know, and
then suddenly, out of nowhere, bam! Fifteen thousand. I mean, the bid
to a cool cowin' fifteen thousand.
EUGENE: Yeah, yeah. I remember us talking.
GWEN: I thought it was fifteen thousand and five pound fifty.
GARY: Yeah, it was, yeah. I mean, I wouldn't spend that kind of money
unless it was my own personal private body part or something. Would
EUGENE: No way. I remember, yes. I waited a couple of days and then I
got an email telling me to come to, er come to a restaurant.
GWEN: You saw Eugene the day he died, didn't you?
GARY: Yeah, I met up with him before he went to meet the alien. I had a
cup of coffee. He was scared.
EUGENE: Was I? Course I was.
GWEN: So he went to make the exchange, fifteen thousand five pound
fifty for the Eye, right? And this was somewhere on the A48 perhaps?
GARY: Or not.
GWEN: Or not?
GARY: Eugene was very secretive. Could have been in Splott.
EUGENE: That doesn't sound right, mate.
GWEN: Who are these people with you, Gary? Why would Eugene take a
photo of your shoes? And whose are the other shoes?
GARY: They're just random shoes, I should think. I miss him.
EUGENE: Yes, yes, I can remember. I called a taxi,
and then, then I put the eye in a freezer bag. And then there was. Yes,
I was walking up this road going up towards er, a shiny building with a
great door which said something about. Oh, something about Happiness.
(Gwen finds a piece of paper napkin in Eugene's possessions, with a
Happy Eater type logo.)
EUGENE: I don't want you to find out what happened. I don't want this
to end. I love you. I love you. I love you.
(Gwen goes over to the window, where Eugene is standing. He blows on
her hair and she touches it, then draws the curtain.
Next morning, the ghost has been lying next to Gwen on the bed. Her
phone goes off.)
EUGENE: I thought we were on holiday.
EUGENE: Yes. Yes, this is it. We came up the hill,
and there it was! There it was, the. The Happy Cook?
(Next to the Texaco garage. Gwen pulls into the car park.)
EUGENE: Yeah. Yeah, I walked towards the door,
wondering who exactly I would be meeting. Excited, quite stressed.
Shitting myself, frankly.
EUGENE: I opened the door, I walked in, and saw
(Gwen looks at the waitresses shoes, just like the ones on Eugene's
GWEN: I've been looking for a pair of shoes like that for ages.
EUGENE: And saw, and saw my mates.
[Happy Cook - memory]
EUGENE: Hi, guys. Good to see you, but er, I've got
JOSH: It's us.
EUGENE: Yeah, I know, but he won't want a crowd. I'm meeting the buyer.
I'm meeting the alien.
JOSH: We are the alien, man. We bought it.
WAITRESS: Here. What are you having?
EUGENE: Er, I'll have a milkshake, thank you. Banana.
JOSH: Yeah. So we are the official buyers. Can we see the merchandise?
(Eugene mops his brow with a logoed napkin and puts it in his pocket,
then takes out the Eye.)
EUGENE: I don't quite know what you're trying to tell me here.
GARY: See, we did it as a joke to cheer you up. We didn't think we'd be
the actual buyers.
JOSH: Then he said you said you thought it was the alien, and we
thought, well, that's funny, innit?
Come on, Eugene, get real. But then we thought, let him dream, man.
Life's short and really boring. So then we went on betting and then
EUGENE: You bid fifteen thousand for the Eye?
JOSH: Not us, no, no way. It turns out there was real interest.
GARY: Someone else bid the fifteen thou, but then he got greedy.
JOSH: Ketchup, please.
GARY: He just couldn't resist one more measly little bid. Fifteen
thousand and five pound fifty. And then, well nothing. Nada. Endville.
JOSH: Okay, shut the fuck up, Gary. Point is, we bought it. We are the
purchasers. Ta dah!
EUGENE: So you've got fifteen thousand five pound and fifty on you,
JOSH: Got thirty four pound.
GARY: Thirty four pound, Eugene. That's not a poke in the eye, so to
EUGENE: I'm calling a cab.
JOSH: Hey, slow down.
(Josh tries to take the phone from Eugene. That's when he takes the
pictures of all the feet under the table.)
WAITRESS: Banana milkshake?
EUGENE: Thank you. If it's all such a sodding joke, why do you even
JOSH: I got a friend with a visual impairment.
EUGENE: You're going to re-sell it online, aren't you? You cheap little
gits. You know he's out there.
JOSH: Who's out there?
EUGENE: The alien, and he'll pay anything. He'll pay anything.
JOSH: Eugene, man. I'm as partial as the next guy to a bit of sci-fi
but, what, a green geezer with six eyes? Get real, guy.
I checked the bid history. Mister C Blackstaff is a collector of alien
ephemera and Nazi memorabilia. Also Beanie babies.
Teeny bit cuckoo, but endearingly rich. And if he's willing to pay
(Josh makes a snatch for the Eye and they chase it across the floor.)
WAITRESS: So now they're inconveniencing customers.
GWEN: You stepped in?
WAITRESS: Well, I tried.
[Happy Cook - memory]
(The waitress picks up the Eye with a grimace.
Eugene grabs it from her and runs. Gary and Josh tackle him.)
EUGENE [OC]: I didn't really know what the Eye was any more but I was
damned if I was going to let it go for thirty four pound and a banana
(So he swallows it.)
JOSH: Heimlich. Heimlich!
GARY: What are you doing?
JOSH: Getting the goods, idiot. Get the milkshake!
(Gary tries to make Eugene drink.)
WAITRESS: Well, that's just not acceptable
behaviour. Not at a Happy Cook. They were making a public spectacle of
And that was it, he was out the door and gone.
(Enter Josh and Gary.)
WAITRESS: Oh, my God. That is so weird.
EUGENE: You bastards. You are so dead. I mean, Josh, you're just a
dickhead, but Gary, we were. I mean, we were mates.
JOSH: Hi, doll.
WAITRESS: Are you talking to me?
JOSH: Yeah. Sorry. Look, I don't know whether you remember us from last
JOSH: Yeah. Now, the thing is, there may be people coming in to ask
questions. A woman specifically. And I think
JOSH: It would be in your best interests if
GARY: Shut up, Josh.
JOSH: The woman is complying, man.
(Then he spots Gwen.)
JOSH: Okay. Cool.
(Josh tries to run but Gary trips him up, knocking someone's meal onto
JOSH: What did you do that for, twat?
GARY: I miss him!
(A short time later -)
GWEN: So he ran out the door and you two ran after him?
GARY: Yeah. We chased him across the car park, but Eugene was quite
fast. Josh had new shoes, he was making a fuss.
JOSH: Hey, hey. You are overweight.
GARY: He hared across the road and we lost him. Honest to God.
GARY: That's it.
EUGENE: All those cars. All those lives moving through space.
(Gwen makes a phone call.)
GWEN: Hello. Can you give me the number for Filey Garage, Filey Road,
EUGENE: All that humanity whizzing by in a frenzy of burgers and chips,
bank holiday fun, burst tyres, screaming kids and sudden heart-attacks.
GWEN: Put me through, thanks. Mister Jones? You don't know me, but I'm
a friend of your son Eugene. I've got some bad news, I'm afraid.
EUGENE [OC]: Now I remember. Apart from a buzzing in my ear where Josh
whacked me, I felt good. I was running across a field on a Saturday
The smell of exhaust and banana milkshake, a slight nausea, heart
beating too fast cos I wasn't that fit. All the stuff that tells you
(Screech, thump, splat. Eugene's body rolls onto the verge.)
(Eugene's funeral. There are nine mourners singing
'There is a green hill'.)
EUGENE [OC]: By rights, I should be well pissed off. My mates had
cheated on me and I didn't meet any aliens, but I realised that when I
eye at the Happy Cook, I was given a chance to look back on my life and
see it for what it really was.
Gary, I'm going to miss you. Not the biggest turn out you could hope
for, but still. I wish I could. God, Gwen, I wish I could say thank
And here he is. My dad, only fourteen years late.
(Bronwen tries to read the eulogy, but is just sobbing.)
EUGENE [OC]: So, now I know it wasn't my fault my dad left, and that,
of course, he wasn't Superman or even an alien. He's just an ordinary
SHAUN: Eugene. He was a good boy, but somehow things went wrong. I
wasn't there. I wish I could have seen him before
EUGENE [OC]: An ordinary bloke who made a mess of things.
SHAUN: (singing) Oh, Danny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling from
glen to glen and down the mountainside. The summer's gone and all the
Tis you must go and I must stay behind. But come ye back When summer's
in the meadow, or when the valley's hushed and white with snow. And
I'll be there in sunshine and in shadow
(Eugene's coffin starts to descend to the cremation.)
EUGENE: No! Not yet.
EUGENE [OC]: Dad made a mess of things and went away. And that's a
shame, really. It's a terrible pity, because we missed each other.
EUGENE: You know, twenty eight is one of those
perfect numbers. It's equal to the sum of its divisors. I'm twenty
eight. I was twenty eight. I think I'm going to have to go soon, Gwen.
GWEN: Oh, God.
EUGENE: Yeah. Also, twenty eight centimetres per second is the top
speed of a lone lobster.
(The back door of the crematorium opens and a man hands over a bag.)
GWEN: Oh, hi. Thank you. I'm sorry I had to ask you to do that.
MAN: Yeah, no problem.
(The Eye is in the bag.)
EUGENE [OC]: So, if it's the eye that's been
keeping me here, now it's no longer inside me, why the hell am I still
GWEN: Eugene? The Eye is in the bag now, rather than in you. Are you?
(The Range Rover pulls up.)
OWEN: Hello, stranger.
JACK: Did you get it?
GWEN: Yeah, I got it.
(Jack takes the Eye from the bag and whistles.)
OWEN: Well, we haven't done the tests yet, so
TOSH: Come on. We've got to go.
GWEN: Jack, can you give me five?
(A taxi pulls up outside Eugene's home, where the mourners are
gathering. Shaun gets out and reaches out to Terry.)
EUGENE [OC]: In an average lifetime, the human heart will beat two
million times. You'll produce over eight thousand gallons of saliva and
grow three hundred and fifty miles of hair.
(Gwen starts to cross the road as a car comes speeding around the
EUGENE [OC]: You'll eat the equivalent in weight of six elephants. Oh,
isn't life amazing!
EUGENE: Gwen! Gwen! Gwen!
(Eugene grabs Gwen and pushes her clear of the car. She drops the Eye
and it sits on a grate.)
GWEN: Hi. Oh, my God. Eugene.
EUGENE: Are you okay?
GWEN: It is so good to see you. Eugene, you're on my leg.
EUGENE: Sorry! Sorry.
GWEN: No, no, it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine.
EUGENE: Can he see me?
EUGENE: He can see me! Thanks.
GWEN: No, thank you. Thank you. You just saved my life.
EUGENE: That's okay.
(Gwen kisses Eugene.)
EUGENE: That's unbelievable. That's un-bloody-believable. Oh, God I
think that's it. Goodbye, Gwen.
(Eugene picks up the Eye and gives it to Gwen.)
EUGENE: Goodbye, Gwen.
GWNE: Don't go now, Eugene. Eugene, please don't go now. Eugene,
(Eugene's spirit floats off into the sky.)
EUGENE [OC]: The average life is full of near misses and absolute hits,
of great love and small disasters. It's made up of banana milkshakes,
loft insulation and random shoes.
It's dead ordinary, and truly, truly amazing. What you've got to
realise is, it's all here, now. So breathe deep and swallow it whole.
Because take it from me,
life just whizzes by, and then, all of a sudden, it's