Something Borrowed

Original Airdate: 5 Mar, 2008

[Previously]

JACK: What's this?
GWEN: That's an engagement ring, that is.
JACK: You're getting married?
GWEN: Yes. Rhys asked.
JACK: And you said yes.
GWEN: Well, no one else will have me. I need stability, Jack. Someone I can rely on.

[Disco]

(Friday night. The music is loud, the lights flashing and the party girls are all in pink fur-trimmed stetsons and matching red t-shirts.)
MEGAN: Oh, it's the service she's meant to be late for, not her hen do. Where is she?
TRINA: There she is!
BOTH: (singing) Here comes the bride, looking for a ride. Here comes the bride, lads, she'll take it up the aisle!
MEGAN: Ey, I thought you'd bottled it.
GWEN: No, I had a lot on at work.

[Hub - memory]

(Two hours earlier.)
OWEN: Careful, Gwen this thing eats people.

[Men's toilets - memory]

(Gwen checks the cubicles in the underground facility. A man enters.)
GWEN: Oh, sorry, love. On your way.
(The man opens his mouth to reveal alien teeth, and lunges for her. She puts two bullets into him, and he leaves.)
GWEN: Jack, it's a shapeshifter. He could look like anyone now, but he's leaving a trail of black blood.

[Street - memory]

(A younger man comes out of the toilets runs off, clutching his side.)
GWEN: He's changed but it's definitely him. He's heading towards Trinity Street.

[Disco]

GWEN: So, is there anything to eat tonight, or is it just booze all the way?
TRINA: Well, booze, blokes, bopping and booze!
STRIPPER: Gwen Cooper, you're nicked.
(The man removes his policeman's uniform to reveal a pink posing pouch..)
GWEN: Oh, no.
(In a small churchyard, the shapeshifter has knocked Gwen down and she's dropped her gun. It got on top of her.)

[Disco restroom]

(Gwen has a bandage on her arm, with two spots of blood showing through.)
GWEN: This is such a bad idea. I'm getting married in like, what, what, thirteen hours. Oh, look at me! So hot.
MEGAN: Ah, you're gorgeous. Rhys is so lucky.
TRINA: I know. Have you heard about his cock?
MEGAN: What have you done to your arm?

[St Johns Churchyard - memory]

(The shapeshifter bit Gwen before Jack shot him.)
JACK: You all right?
GWEN: Yeah.
JACK: Owen should take a look at that.

[Disco restroom]

GWEN: Er, nothing. It's just a scratch.

[Gwen's home]

(Saturday morning. The alarm goes off at 7.00. Gwen is alone in the bed.)
GWEN: Gwen.
(She sees her wedding dress hanging up and gets out of bed. The mirror shows her swelling belly.)
GWEN: Oh.
(Later, Owen is examining her.)
OWEN: Gwen, you're pregnant. Almost full term.
GWEN: Pregnant? That's not possible.
JACK: How are you doing, Gwen?
GWEN: Jack, will you tell me what's going on? Owen says I'm pregnant.
JACK: What, you think?
GWEN: Jesus Christ. What with?
OWEN: Exo-biological insemination.
JACK: That alien last night.
GWEN: Oh, get off. It bit me, Jack, that's all.
(They go into the living area.)
JACK: It passed the eggs on in the bite. Some species do that. A kind of sneaky way of keeping the bloodline going. Boy, would Darwin have a field day if he'd made it to space.
GWEN: Mmm. Yeah, great.
OWEN: Listen, Gwen, you are going to be fine, I promise, okay? If there was any biological incompatibility you would be dead. Now, according to this scan, you are carrying a non-sentient blastopheric mass.
GWEN: A what?
(She breaks into a bottle of gherkins.)
OWEN: It's a kind of alien egg. But don't worry, I'm going to look after you, I promise. We've got procedures in place for this situation.
GWEN: You mean this has happened before?
JACK: You've heard of immaculate conception, haven't you? Well
OWEN: Right, we take you back to the Hub. You lie back, I run a bio-xenic microtron, a couple of days off your feet and you'll be right as rain.
GWEN: Whoa, a couple of days? In five hours I'm walking down the aisle, Owen.
JACK: No, you're not.
OWEN: Gwen, I hate to say this, but you're going to have to postpone the wedding.
GWEN: No! No way. Have you any idea how much a wedding costs?
JACK: Listen, Gwen, you are not carrying the baby Jesus in there.
GWEN: I don't care, all right? I can't put Rhys through this. He's had to put up with enough as it is, okay? So I'm not postponing the wedding.
JACK: You are not thinking straight.
GWEN: Do not bring my bloody hormones into this, Mister Jack Harkness!
JACK: Okay, calm down.
GWEN: Owen has said if this wasn't safe, I would know about it by now. Right?
OWEN: As far as I know, yeah
GWEN: Okay. So I am good until after the wedding. And then I'll do whatever I have to do. Once I'm Mrs Williams. Not before.

[Banana boat's flat / Gwen's home]

(Rhys is crashing on a sofa at his best man's place. Gwen rings him.)
RHYS: Hello?
GWEN: Rhys?
RHYS: Gwen! Morning, lovely. Don't worry Banana Boat's on the phone to the florist, checking the buttonholes.
(Rhys wakes Banana.)
GWEN: Oh, he showed up, then.
RHYS: Yeah, yeah. Lanzarote cops let him go with a warning.
GWEN: Rhys, I need to see you.
RHYS: It's bad luck before the wedding. What's happened?

[Hub]

TOSH: How is she?
OWEN: She's going ahead with the wedding.
JACK: Which is fine, as long as she doesn't go into labour at the altar. Rhys might forgive her going down the aisle pregnant, but not giving birth to a razor-toothed monster that eats half his family.
IANTO: Could that happen?
OWEN: Well, look, the pregnancy's advanced and we're not familiar with the species.
JACK: Which is why you, Owen, need to open up the guy with the teeth and make sure there's no surprises.
OWEN: I'm on it.
JACK: Tosh, you've got an early pass to the wedding. Keep an eye on Gwen. Ianto.
IANTO: Jack?
JACK: Gwen's going to need a new wedding dress. Bigger.

[Gwen's home]

RHYS: Gwen? What is it? You've got me going out of my head. Don't tell me you're having second thoughts.
GWEN: No, I'm not.
(She points at her belly.)

[Bridal shop]

ASSISTANT: Can I help you?
(A man, as it happens.)
IANTO: Yeah, I'm looking for a wedding dress for a friend.
ASSISTANT: 0f course you are, sir. You'd be surprised. We're quite used to men buying for their friends.

[Gwen's home]

RHYS: Bastard Torchwood.
GWEN: I know.
RHYS: Bastard Torchwood.
GWEN: I know.
RHYS: Pregnant. You're pregnant!
GWEN: Sorry. Out of everything that could have screwed things up, I really don't know what to say.
RHYS: You don't have to say anything, all right? Sorry. It's not your fault. It's them. It's Jack. It's not like he didn't know you were getting married today! Why the hell did he have to send you out last night?
GWEN: Because it's my job!
RHYS: Well, are you going to be all right?
GWEN: I'll be fine. They'll take me to the Hub. 0wen's got this big machine thing.
RHYS: Good.
GWEN: Yes.
RHYS: Right, er. Look, I'll er, I'll get Banana to start ringing people. We'll tell everybody you're ill. Appendicitis.
GWEN: We are not postponing the wedding. No way.
RHYS: Forget the money. I want you where they can look after you, right? Getting married today doesn't matter.
GWEN: It matters to me! It's not about the money, Rhys. I want to marry you today, whatever happens. If the skies are suddenly fill full of spaceships, or an army of Weevils climb out of the drains on St Mary's Street, you fool! Do you not understand what I'm saying, Rhys Williams? All I want to do today is marry you. That's all I want to do. Please.

[Autopsy room]

(Owen unzips the bodybag.)
TOSH: Er, Owen?
OWEN: Whoo, whoo, look at you.
TOSH: Do you like it?
OWEN: Drop dead gorgeous, Tosh, and I think I speak with some authority.
TOSH: I don't really get a chance to dress up much. What are you wearing?
OWEN: The truth is, Tosh, weddings have never really been me, either. Love 'em and leave 'em. That was me.
TOSH: Owen, you should come. It could be fun.
OWEN: Have you ever seen a dead man dance?
TOSH: I've seen Fred Astaire in Easter Parade. Twice. Late night TV.
OWEN: God, you need a date, don't you? Which this isn't. Is it?
TOSH: No, Owen, it isn't. I just want you to come to the wedding. Please.
OWEN: Oh, all right, I'll dig out my dancing shoes.

[Gwen's home]

(Gwen breaks the news to mum and dad.)
GERAINT: I know it's been a while, duckling, but, er, we never dreamed this.
GWEN: Rhys and I wanted it to be a surprise for you.
MARY: You're always full of them, but, well, this beats them all.
GERAINT: Is this why you haven't come to see us? All those cancelled visits?
GWEN: No, no, Dad. Don't be silly. It's my job.
MARY: This mysterious job. All the same, Swansea isn't on another planet.
GERAINT: You could have phoned, duckling.
GWEN: I'm sorry.
MARY: Oh, don't be sorry, Gwen. I can't wait to see the look on Rhys's mum's face. It's wonderful news, Gwen. Your dad's been going blue holding his breath waiting for a little grandchild.

[Hotel reception]

GERAINT: I was with Rhys and his mates all night last night. No-one said anything about Gwen being pregnant.
MARY: Well, Rhys was probably under orders. Gwen knows how to control her men.
GERAINT: Studied under the Mistress.
MARY: Oh, here's Rhys's mum and dad.
GERAINT: Brenda.
BRENDA: Geraint.
GERAINT: Barry.
BARRY: Hello.
MARY: Lovely to see you, Brenda.
BRENDA: What a lovely outfit. Such a brave choice for you.
MARY: And you were so made for green.
GERAINT: Big day at last.
BARRY: How's the bride?
(Gwen has made her escape unnoticed.)
GERAINT: Er, maybe there's something we should talk about.
BRENDA: Oh?

[Room 36]

RHYS: Gwen.
GWEN: This isn't going to work, Rhys. We haven't thought this through properly. I mean, what about after the wedding?
RHYS: I've been thinking the same.
GWEN: My mum and dad think that they're getting a grandchild. Your mum and dad are going to be thinking the same thing. They're going to be excited, they're going to be planning things. I can't tell them I've lost a baby. They'd be devastated.
RHYS: We could tell them the truth.
GWEN: Whoa. Talk sense now, Rhys.
RHYS: Well, the lies don't work, Gwen. Remember? You tried it.
GWEN: What do you think the truth will do to them? We've seen what comes through the Rift. I don't want my mum and dad living in fear of what's prowling around in the sewers.
(Gwen's phone rings.)
GWEN: I'm sorry. Hey, Jack.

[Jack's office / Room 36]

JACK: Hey. How are you doing?
GWEN: Oh, you know, so far so good.
JACK: Look, I just wanted you to know Tosh should be with you any time. Call it moral support.
GWEN: I don't need a baby-sitter.
RHYS: Give it here. We don't need you at all, Jack. You've already done plenty to mess up today. Do us both a favour and keep well out of it, yeah?
JACK: Yeah, I hear you, Rhys. Look, still, congratulations.

[Room 36]

(Rhys ends the call.)
GWEN: It's not his fault.

[Hotel reception]

MEGAN: Oh, this is nice, isn't it, Trina?
TRINA: Class on toast. Hey, you should get a brochure, Mervyn. If some poor girl ever gets drunk enough to marry you.
MERVYN: Oh, yeah, that's funny. I tell you what, it's going to take more than a swanky hotel to get a catch like me down the aisle.
BANANA: And here's mad Mervyn, the Minister of Sound.
MERVYN: Well, the Duke of Disco, the Regent of Rock and the Lord of Love.
BANANA: Whatever you say, mate. Listen, do you want a hand with the decks and the lights?
MERVYN: Aye, but I tell you what, reckon I'm up for a bit of a Mervyn sandwich later.
(Mervyn leers at the bridesmaids and leaves. Banana Boat sees Tosh arriving with Gwen's new dress.)
BANANA: All right, love? You've got a big box. Do you want a hand with that?
TOSH: No, thank you. I'm fine.
BANANA: Are you going to the wedding?
TOSH: I'm a friend of Gwen's.
BANANA: I'm Banana. I suppose you can tell why.
TOSH: You come up in spots and go soft quickly?
BANANA: Actually, I'm the best man.
TOSH: Evolution is full of surprises.
BANANA: I get to check everything personally, right. The disco, cake, flowers, seating.
TOSH: Bridal suite?
RECEPTIONIST: First floor, on the left.
BANANA: So, do you fancy a little drink later?
TOSH: Sorry, I'm intolerant to vasoactive amines.
BANANA: Huh?
TOSH: Bananas make me vomit.

[Private bar]

MERVYN: Now, a looker like you must be on the bride's side. I don't think they've got your sort of style in Rhys' family.
WOMAN: I like to put on a show.

[Bridal suite]

TOSH: Hi.
GWEN: Hi.
TOSH: Jack sent me over with this.
(Gwen opens the box.)
GWEN: It's beautiful.
TOSH: And I don't blame you for telling jack and Owen to stick a postponement. I think it's wonderful you're getting married whatever.
GWEN: Tosh, thank you.
TOSH: You're very lucky.
OWEN: Yes. You know, Tosh, it'll happen for you, one day. There's always Owen.
TOSH: I don't think so. In sickness and in health, till death do us part. It's going to sound like a bad joke, isn't it? I'll let you get on. If you need me, I'll be downstairs. Good luck.
GWEN: Thank you.

[Jack's office]

(Jack goes through the bridal catalogue.)
JACK: No, I like that one. Good choice.
IANTO: I estimated Gwen's size from the Hub's security laser scans. As you know, my dad was a master tailor. He could size a man's inside leg measurement by his stride across the shop threshold.
JACK: Ah, the family eye. Remind me to test it some time.
IANTO: Well, if later on
OWEN: Jack.
IANTO: Yeah, brilliant, like that one.
OWEN: We've got a problem.

[Autopsy room]

OWEN: Look what our friend was hiding.
IANTO: And that is?
(A large sticky purple thing with tubes.)
OWEN: A proteus gland. The shape shifting organ of a Nostrovite.
IANTO: And what is that exactly?
JACK: Trouble. Big trouble.

[Private bar]

(Mervyn attaches a corsage to the woman's dress.)
MERVYN: No good looking woman should be at a wedding without a flower.
WOMAN: Ouch!
(He has pricked her with the pin. He dabs it with a paper napkin.)
MERVYN: Oh, bugger. Sorry. Can I get you another drink?
WOMAN: Actually, do you feel like getting a bite?
(Tosh watches them leave, then goes to the bar.)
TOSH: Another spritzer, please.
(She sees the drop of black blood on the napkin, picks it up and follows the pair.)

[Bridal suite]

(Gwen answers the door to her two bridesmaids, dressed in claret.)
GWEN: Hey.
TRINA: Oh, my God, it's true! But how?

[Hotel room]

(The woman throws Mervyn onto the bed and rips open his waistcoat.)
MERVYN: Steady on, girl. I'm on stage later. Oh!

[Hotel corridor]

(Tosh is listening at doors.)
BANANA: Hey, baby, if you're looking for my room, you just passed it, mind.
TOSH: I'm not, and don't call me baby.
BANANA: So what shall I call you, then? Beautiful?
(Tosh slams him against the wall.)
TOSH: Don't call me anything. Don't say anything.
(They hear Melvyn's screams as the woman morphs and bits his delicate areas. Tosh readies her gun.)
TOSH: Don't move.

[Hotel room]

(The woman is back in human form, touching up her lipstick. There is blood on the bedsheets.)
TOSH: What have you done with him?
BANANA: What the hell is going on?
(The woman hits Tosh and grabs Banana by the throat.)
WOMAN: You're lucky. I'm watching my figure. But maybe I'll keep you for tea.

[Jack's office]

JACK: A Nostrovite is a shapeshifting carnivore with a taste for human flesh. It's intelligent and sneaky and, damn it, I should have seen this before.
OWEN: That's it with shapeshifters, innit? You never know what you're looking at.
IANTO: What's the big deal? It's dead.
OWEN: Yeah. This one is.
IANTO: Does there have to be more?
OWEN: A Nostrovite mates for life. You know, like swans and penguins.
JACK: Yeah, except you don't find Nostrovites on greetings cards.
OWEN: Right, and then the male Nostrovite carries the fertilized eggs in a sac in its mouth and passes it on to a host with a bite.
JACK: Gwen.
IANTO: And where does the mother come in?
OWEN: Well, when she tracks down the host and rips it open.
JACK: That's Nostrovite childbirth. And momma's out there right now, looking for Gwen. Come on.

[Staircase]

(Gwen has a pain as the woman is coming down the stairs.)
WOMAN: Are you all right?
GWEN: Oh yeah. It was just a twinge.
WOMAN: He'll be flexing his muscles. Not long to go now.

[Roald Dahl Plass]

(Ianto drives the Range Rover to where Jack and Owen are waiting by the Water Tower.)
JACK: Tosh isn't responding.
OWEN: Then let's get going.
JACK: You sure you're ready for this, Owen? You know what Nostrovites can do. You think you've got it covered a hundred feet away, and it's already chewing on your liver.
OWEN: I don't need my liver. You need me, Jack.
JACK: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. The singularity scalpel. Where are you going with that?
OWEN: We need to get to Gwen before the Nostrovite does. We might not have a chance to get back to the Hub and the microtron weighs about two tonnes.
IANTO: That thing kills people.
OWEN: I saved Martha with it.
JACK: Lucky shot.
OWEN: Listen, you two, you'd better start trusting me, okay? I've been working on it, and I've got it sussed. Besides, with that Nostrovite around, we really don't have too many options.
IANTO: He's got a point.
JACK: What is it with you? Ever since Owen died, all you ever do is agree with him.
IANTO: I was brought up never to speak ill of the dead. Even if they still do most of the talking for themselves.
JACK: Okay, Owen. But you better be sure you know what you're doing.

[Private bar]

TRINA: Camouflage dressing? I'm having her dressmaker's number. No way did Gwen look pregnant last night.
MEGAN: Oh, we must have had way too much to drink.
TRINA: She was late, wasn't she? We must have been out of our heads by the time she showed up.
MEGAN: Oh, must have been, not to notice she was pregnant. Great night, or what?

[Bridal suite]

(Gwen is dressed.)
MARY: You look like an angel.
GWEN: Mum, I'm so sorry about this.
MARY: Gwen, it's a baby. It's God's blessing. You will be a good wife and a wonderful mother. And me and your dad, we'll always be there for you, and for our grandchild. I'll see you downstairs. I love you.
GWEN: Mum? I love you too.
MARY: Hurry up, Geraint. And make sure you don't leave a wet patch.
(Mum leaves. Gwen starts crying. Geraint comes in from the bathroom.)
GERAINT: Gwen? What is it?
GWEN: I can't do this. I can't lie to you and Mum, Dad. Dad, this baby isn't Rhys's.

[Gardens]

BARRY: There's still no sign of Banana Boat.
RHYS: He'll be fine, Dad.
BARRY: Listen, Rhys. Your mother says this wedding is becoming a nightmare. As if Gwen showing up pregnant wasn't bad enough. Now, you are sure it's yours, aren't you?
RHYS: Dad, I'm marrying her. I love Gwen, every atom of me loves Gwen. Has done since the first time I laid eyes on her, okay?
BARRY: You loved Cerys Morgan once.
RHYS: I was twelve years old!
BARRY: Still no Banana Boat.

[Hotel room]

(Because Banana and Tosh are stuck together in a black web spun over the bed, face to face.)
TOSH: Get away from me.
BANANA: Well, I wish I could, love. Don't bother, I've tried. We're stuck fast.
TOSH: I can't believe it. Can you at least move your hand. Away.

[Bridal suite]

GERAINT: If there's another man, if you don't want to go through with the wedding, it's all right. We'll sort things out.
GWEN: There isn't another man.
GERAINT: But you said
GWEN: Please listen. Cardiff is in the middle of a space time Rift.
GERAINT: A what?
GWEN: I work for an organisation that controls what comes through it.
GERAINT: Comes from where?
GWEN: Other planets. Other dimensions. Aliens, Dad. I'm talking about aliens. That's what I do, Torchwood. We're called Torchwood. We hunt down aliens that come through the Rift.
GERAINT: Oh, my God.
GWEN: Look, one bit me last night. Don't ask me to explain, I can't. I'm pregnant. Rhys isn't the father. It's an alien. It's an alien.

[Wedding room]

GERAINT: Poor girl, this wedding's got her stressed to pieces. Thinks that baby of hers is an alien from outer space.
MARY: What?
GERAINT: It'll be all right. Once we get through the day.
BRENDA: Gwen seems to be taking her time.
MARY: You remember how it is, Brenda. The bride likes to make an entrance.
BRENDA: Maybe, but I wasn't late for my wedding.
MARY: No. Barry might have got away.

[Hotel room]

BANANA: If it comes back, it's going to kill us, isn't it?
TOSH: Calm down. I've got friends. They'll find us.
BANANA: But what if they don't? What if it comes back? I mean, we're it's bloody packed lunch, isn't we? Help! Help!
TOSH: Shut up. 
BANANA: Help! Someone help!
TOSH: If it hears you screaming, it'll come and shut you up permanently!
BANANA: Help! Someone! Help! Ow!
TOSH: That's enough, unless you want to start singing in falsetto.
BANANA: Ow. That really hurt.

[Wedding room]

(Geraint walks Gwen down the aisle to stand with Rhys.)
GWEN: Okay.
REGISTRAR: Friends and family of Rhys and Gwen, we're here today to celebrate the marriage of two people, a ceremony binding in law.
(The woman can hear her child's heart beating inside Gwen.)

[Range Rover]

OWEN: How much further?
IANTO: A few minutes.
JACK: What I don't understand is if people are going to make such a big deal about getting married, why come all the way out into the middle of nowhere, where no one can find you to do it? That, to me, suggests inner conflict.
IANTO: It's because the happy couple want everything to be perfect.
OWEN: An alien egg in your belly and its mother coming to rip you open. Yeah, perfect.

[Wedding room]

REGISTRAR: Rhys and Gwen have chosen to solemnise their commitment before you. But first, the law requires me to ask of you all, if there is anyone here who knows of any reason why these two may not marry?
JACK: Stop! Stop it! Stop the wedding! Hold on!
GWEN: Jack?
JACK: Gwen, believe me, I'm sorry. But this has to stop now.
BRENDA: I just knew that baby wasn't Rhys's.
RHYS: What the hell are you doing here?
GWEN: Jack, I told you, I am marrying Rhys.
JACK: Not now. You can't.
RHYS: Butt out, Jack. You've screwed things up enough between me and Gwen. You're not going to mess up our wedding.
JACK: Listen, I am trying to save Gwen's life. Yours, too.
GWEN: What's going on, Jack?

[Hotel corridor]

IANTO: Shush. I've got a fix on Tosh's comms.

[Hotel room]

(Ianto and Owen burst in.)
OWEN: Tosh, are you okay?
TOSH: Just get me out of here.
BANANA: All right, mate? I'm Banana.
TOSH: More like a gooseberry.
IANTO: Owen.
(What's left of Mervyn is on the floor.)
OWEN: Oh Jesus, that is disgusting.
IANTO: I'll get you out of here.

[Bridal suite]

GWEN: There were two of them?
JACK: Ma and Pa Nostrovite. They hunt in pairs, but childbirth is more of a three way. He finds and impregnates a host. She then comes in like the midwife from hell, hanging around, watching, waiting, until the time is right. Then it gets messy.
RHYS: So you think it's near?
JACK: She's a shapeshifter, Rhys. She could be out there making small talk with your mom and dad.

[Gardens]

TRINA: You reckon it's all over, then?
MEGAN: Some good-looking guy sweeps up the aisle and tells you to hold off on the confetti? What are you going to do? Marry Rhys?
TRINA: So the baby's his, is it?
MEGAN: Didn't you see the look on her face when he showed up? Anyway, I'd better go and find Mervyn. Tell him not to bother getting George Michael out the back of the van.

[Bridal suite]

GWEN: We're not stopping the wedding.
JACK: Gwen, there isn't a choice here.
GWEN: Ever since I've met you, Jack, all Rhys has had to put up with, with me, is crap. The lies. The danger. The complications. But he's stood by me. Who else would do that? Who else would marry me knowing that I am carrying some kind of monster inside me? I love him, and I'm going to marry him, today.
RHYS: Thanks, but it is my wedding, too. Don't I get a say?
(A woman's scream.)

[Hotel room]

(Megan has found Mervyn.)
OWEN: That's all we need.
(Megan runs out.)
JACK: Ianto, after the girl. I need this contained.
RHYS: Jack. Oh, God. I want Gwen out of here now, jack.
TOSH: Jack, I've seen the shapeshifter. It's a woman. She's in black.

[Wedding room]

BRENDA: Do you know what's going on?
MARY: I'm in the dark, too, Brenda.
BRENDA: The problem seems to be an American with no sense of timing or fashion. And your daughter.
MEGAN: Call the police! Mervyn's been murdered!
IANTO: Jack, I'm afraid the situation is uncontained.

[Hotel room]

JACK: Okay. Ianto, get to the SUV, jam the phone lines. The last thing we need is someone calling the police. Tosh, you're with me. We'll find that woman in black. Gwen, Owen needs to operate now.
RHYS: I want Gwen safe Jack, now.
JACK: I want her safe, too, Rhys, so we do what I say!
GWEN: Rhys, Jack knows what he's doing, darling, okay?
JACK: Look, if we run, the Nostrovite will be waiting for us. And we're running out of time.
GWEN: What's the plan, Jack?
OWEN: I've got an idea.
RHYS: Then I'm staying here, okay?
JACK: Fine. Tosh, with me.

[Wedding room]

BARRY: What the hell's going on here?
GERAINT: I had a signal before.
JACK: Move! I need everyone to stay calm and do exactly as I tell you.
BARRY: And who the hell are you?
JACK: Torchwood.
GERAINT: Gwen's Torchwood? You mean you're real?
TOSH: Jack, there she is.
JACK: Everybody down!
(Screams, panic, gunfire, and the woman jumps through the window. Jack and Tosh follow.)
GERAINT: My God.

[Gardens]

JACK: Damn, that thing's fast.
TOSH: But it won't have gone far.
JACK: Not without what it came for. Come on.

[Bridal suite]

GWEN: That. The singularity scalpel. That is your idea?
OWEN: Gwen, it's cool, believe me, okay? I've done a lot of work on it since the whole Mayfly business.
RHYS: What is it?
GWEN: Alien medical apparatus, so Owen thinks.
RHYS: Thinks?
BRENDA [OC] Rhys? Rhys, are you in there, Rhys?
GWEN: That's his mother. That's Rhys's mother.
OWEN: Okay.
(Rhys opens the door.)
RHYS: Hiya.
BRENDA: There's, there's a monster, Rhys. That American and the Japanese girl, they went after it.
OWEN: Stay here.
(Owen leaves.)

[Hotel corridor / Gardens]

OWEN: Jack, everything okay?
JACK: It got away Owen. How's the patient?
OWEN: Rhys and his mum are with her.
TOSH: Jack, that's Rhys's mum there.
JACK: Come on.

[Bridal suite]

GWEN: This isn't Rhys's baby, Brenda. It's an alien.
(Torchwood burst in.)
JACK: Get back, you ugly bitch!
RHYS: What the hell do you think you're doing? That's my mother!
JACK: No. It's the alien.
BRENDA: I'm not an alien!
JACK: Oh, you're good, I'll give you that.
BRENDA: But I'm not!
JACK: Yeah, and the Lone Ranger didn't have a thing with Tonto.
GWEN: Jack, does the shapeshifter copy smells too?
OWEN: No, it's just physical.
GWEN: Well, I'd recognise that bloody awful perfume anywhere. It's Brenda, Jack. It's Brenda.
(Rhys punches Jack.)
RHYS: That's for calling my mother an ugly bitch!
TOSH: If that's Rhys's mum, then who's that outside?

[Grounds]

JACK: Move! There she is!
(Brenda the shapeshifter grabs Gwen's mum's throat.)
GWEN: Mum!
JACK: Don't move.
GWEN: Mum.
S-BRENDA: The bond between mother and child is a wonderful thing.
GWEN: Let her go, okay?
S-BRENDA: Your mother for my child.
JACK: No deal.
S-BRENDA: You don't have a say.
MARY: Don't listen to it, Gwen.
GWEN: It's okay, Mum, I'll make sure you're safe. It won't kill you, you'll be okay.
RHYS: Gwen, you can't do this. Gwen.
GWEN: It's my Mum, Rhys. Jack.
JACK: Rhys!
GWEN: Okay, Mum
MARY: Gwen
GWEN: You're going to be okay.
(Gwen walks towards the pair.)
GWEN: It's okay, Mum. Stay calm, still.
S-BRENDA: Come to momma!
(The shapeshifter releases Mary, and Gwen fires a clip of bullets into her. She runs.)
OWEN: That's the kind of daughter every mother must dream of. Cool as ice, packing an automatic.
GERAINT: Gwen told me about you but I didn't believe her.
JACK: It'll be back. Owen, get Gwen ready, I want that thing dealt with now.

[Hotel corridor]

OWEN: Listen, Gwen, I'll be with you in a minute. I need to talk to Rhys.
GWEN: What about?
OWEN: Just something and nothing. Trust me.
RHYS: What, what?
(Gwen goes to the Bridal suite.)
OWEN: Listen, Rhys, the singularity scalpel. The thing is, the last time I used it I had two good mitts.
RHYS: So you're telling me you can't operate it?
OWEN: What I'm saying is, I know you'd be more happy that whoever had Gwen's life in their hands could well, rely on both of them. Now I thought I could ask Jack
RHYS: No, no. Show me what to do.
OWEN: Right, it kind of works itself. Let's just try this.

[Bridal suite]

GWEN: Hello, Jack. Not quite the blushing bride, am I? But I'd given up on things going to plan a long time ago.
JACK: If life always turned out the way we expected, what would be the point of living?
GWEN: I didn't expect to meet someone like you. If I hadn't, I'd be married by now.
JACK: You're not the only one who met somebody that knocked their world out of kilter.
GWEN: Rhys has always been there for me. Through all this madness, even when I haven't even deserved it. He's not afraid to tell me he loves me.
(They move in for a kiss, and Jack transforms into the Nostrovite. Gwen headbutts him then grabs a candlestick. Rhys and Owen enter.)
RHYS: Gwen!
(Rhys breaks a chair over 'Jack's' back.)
OWEN: Grab the bag and get her out of here!
(He pumps yet more bullets into the Nostrovite. It goes down. Owen leans over it and it comes up again.)
OWEN: Come on. Do me a favour.
(The Nostrovite sniffs him and leaves.)

[Gardens]

(Gwen gets pains.)
RHYS: Hey, are you all right?
GWEN: I'm running around in a wedding dress with what feels like a keg of lager stuck up my skirt. What do you think, Rhys?
RHYS: Come on.

[Bridal suite]

(Jack, Ianto and Tosh enter.)
JACK: Whoa! What happened? Put it down, Owen.
OWEN: It thought that I'd gone off.
TOSH: Where's Gwen and Rhys?
OWEN: They've done a runner. Listen, I emptied a clip into that thing, as did Gwen, but some mother instinct or something is making that cow unstoppable. Our guns don't work.
JACK: Then I guess we're gonna need a bigger gun.
(And they just happen to have all the parts in the back of the Range Rover.)

[Barn]

(Rhys bars the door as Gwen falls down into the hay.)
GWEN: Rhys, I can't go any further!
(Something hammers on the door.)
RHYS: It's here! It's here!
GWEN: Shush, it's going to hear us.
RHYS: I don't think there's any point in keeping quiet, Gwen. Lie down, lie down.
GWEN: What the hell are you doing with that?
RHYS: Owen showed me how to use it.
GWEN: Just do it! Do it! Do it!
(A nearby flowerpot explodes.)
GWEN: Rhys!
RHYS: All right, all right. I've got it. I've got it now.
GWEN: I love you. I really love you, okay? Hurry.
RHYS: I love you.
(The device locks on to a target. It fires, and Gwen gasps.)
RHYS: Gwen. Gwen. Gwen?
(Gwen is staring at nothing, silently. Then she breathes again and he kisses her. The bulge in her belly has gone.)
S-BRENDA: Get away from her, Rhys! Let me have my young and I won't hurt you.
(Rhys gets a chainsaw and starts it up.)
RHYS: You're too late. It's gone! I've had a gutful of you. You get my girlfriend pregnant, you impersonate my mum and you ruin my wedding day!
(But as he raises the chainsaw, it stops working.)
RHYS: Fuck.
S-BRENDA: Rhys, you're a bad boy. And you know what bad boys get?
(They get splattered with black gunk as Momma Nostrovite goes splat.)
JACK: How's that for a shape shift?
GWEN: Jack.
JACK: Hey, that whole Evil Dead thing looks pretty good on you, Rhys.
(Jack picks Gwen up.)
JACK: Okay?
GWEN: Yeah.
(Jack puts Gwen and Rhys' hands together.)
JACK: And the hero always gets the girl.
GWEN: I'm sorry. I have spoilt everything, haven't I? Do you still want to marry me?

[Wedding room]

GWEN: I call upon these persons here present to witness that I, Gwen Elizabeth Cooper
REGISTRAR: Do take thee, Rhys Alun Williams, to be my lawful wedded husband.
GWEN: Do take thee, Rhys Alun Williams, to be my lawful wedded husband.
(They exchange rings.)
GWEN: Come here.
(Applause as the bride kisses the groom. Later, at the reception, much alcohol has been consumed and a few couples are still dancing.)
OWEN: You ready to see that dead man dance, Tosh? Come on.
(You Do Something To Me by Paul Weller is playing. Jack puts his hand on Rhys' shoulder.)
JACK: Mind if I cut in?
RHYS: Why not? I'm danced off my feet. I'm gonna find a beer.
JACK: Enjoy the honeymoon.
GWEN: I will. What will you do while I'm gone?
JACK: Ooo, the usual. Pizza, Ianto. Save the world a couple of times.
GWEN: Will you miss me?
JACK: Always. Rhys is a lucky man, a perfect husband. He's loyal, brave. He's got a hell of a swing on him. And best of all, he really loves you.
GWEN: I know.
IANTO: May I er?
GWEN: Yes.
(She assumes Ianto wants to dance with her, but no. It's Jack's arms he is after.
Later, they are all at a table. Ianto brings Rhys a beer. It is Tainted Love time.)
IANTO: There you go.
RHYS: Cheers, mate. You'd never think a couple of hours ago they all nearly got torn apart by some alien psycho bitch.
GWEN: It's all been a bit too much for my mum and Brenda.
RHYS: I never thought I'd see that.
(The other guests pass on.)
GWEN: Okay, Jack, what's going on?
JACK: Strange thing when you mix Level Six retcon with champagne. Really makes the party go with a swing, then you fall asleep.
GWEN: You retconned our families? It's probably for the best. I don't want my mum remembering what happened to her today.
JACK: Maybe the happy couple shouldn't either?
(He slides two glasses of champagne towards Gwen and Rhys.)
GWEN: No, thank you. There'll be no secrets in this marriage.
OWEN: Time for bed, I think.
RHYS: We'll see you after the honeymoon. Stay out of trouble.
GWEN: (to Ianto) Thank you for the dress. It was beautiful.
OWEN: You take care.
GWEN: Bye, bye.
(Rhys and Gwen leave.)
TOSH: Something tells me our bed time is a long way off.
JACK: That's right, guys. It's been a busy day, but we are not finished yet. We've got a lot to do. We've got a major mop-up operation. And I want your best work. Remember, it's Gwen's wedding.
IANTO: That's what I love about Torchwood. By day you're chasing the scum of the universe. Come midnight, you're the Wedding Fairy.
(Jack returns to the Hub and scatters a handful of confetti. Then he goes to his office and gets out an old tin box, and starts looking through photographs, including one of his own marriage in the 1920s or so.)

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