Vis A Vis
Stardate: 51762.4
Original Airdate: 8 April 1998

[Holodeck - Grease Monkey programme]

(Paris is working underneath a car in a large garage whilst 60s rock music plays. Night Rider by Dick Dale, I'm told. The EMH appears and sounds the car's horn several times.)
PARIS: Ow! Ow! What do you think you're doing, Doc?
EMH: An impromptu auditory exam.
PARIS: Did I pass?
EMH: With flying colours, which leads me to believe you did hear me when I requested you meet me this morning.
(Paris turns off the transistor radio.)
PARIS: You're right. I forgot.
EMH: I see. I realise your Sickbay training is purely voluntary, but you haven't spent any time there in several weeks. And when I try to find you, you're always in the holodeck.
PARIS: Correct me if I'm wrong, Doc, but we haven't been treating anything more serious than an ingrown toenail.
EMH: That's beside the point. If an emergency were to happen you must be prepared. You're too far behind in your medical texts to be wasting your time in the holodeck.
PARIS: If it's any consolation, I have spent most of the morning immersed in a complicated surgical procedure.
EMH: Really.
PARIS: A classic case of atrophied shocks. They needed to be extracted to prevent chrome abrasion. It was touch and go for a while, but the prognosis is excellent.
EMH: You'll be ready for neurosurgery in no time.
PARIS: Take a look at this, Doc. This is a fully stock 1969 Chevy Camaro, one of the earliest muscle cars ever made.
(Paris gets into the driver's seat.)
PARIS: Imagine, Northern California, late twentieth century. You're cruising up Highway One, the woofers are pounding, the wind is whipping through your hair.
EMH: Medieval safety constraints, internal combustion system producing lethal levels of carbon monoxide. Hmm. I stand corrected. This may be just what you need to get you back to Sickbay.
PARIS: I guess I should have known this wouldn't interest you. It's too much fun.
EMH: This isn't about fun, Mister Paris. Serving in Sickbay is a privilege. I'd expect you to realise that.
PARIS: Oh, I do. I'll be there. Soon.
JANEWAY [OC]: Lieutenant Paris, report to the bridge immediately.
PARIS: I'm on my way.

[Bridge]

(Paris enters, still in his dirty overalls.)
PARIS: Somebody call for a driver?
JANEWAY: Take your station, Tom. Anything on scans, Harry?
KIM: I'm picking up another spatial disturbance two thousand kilometres away.
CHAKOTAY: Source?
KIM: I have no idea. It looks like space is folding in on itself.
JANEWAY: Shields to full.
(A small spaceship appears.)
KIM: It's an alien vessel, one occupant aboard.
PARIS: Captain, it looks like that ship is being powered by a coaxial warp drive.
CHAKOTAY: Coaxial what?
PARIS: It's a hypothetical propulsion system. Starfleet engineers have been dreaming about it for years. In theory, it can literally fold the fabric of space allowing a ship to travel instantaneously across huge distances.
(Whumph! Energy plays over the alien ship.)
TUVOK: The alien warp drive is overloading.
PARIS: In theory, a coaxial drive explosion could collapse space within a radius of a billion kilometres. In theory.
JANEWAY: Let's keep theory from becoming reality. Red alert!
CHAKOTAY: Scan the vessel. Can we beam the pilot out?
KIM: Too much interference.
PARIS: That ship's about had it, Captain. The coaxial core is breaching.
TUVOK: We should vacant this area of space at once.
PARIS: We can't just leave him like this.
JANEWAY: Try one more hail.
KIM: Nothing. Maybe he's ignoring us.
PARIS: Or maybe he's unconscious. We've got to do something.
JANEWAY: Suggestions?
PARIS: A symmetric warp field. That should contain any instabilities in his space-folding core.
CHAKOTAY: How can you be sure?
PARIS: Advanced subspace geometry. It's the one course at the academy where I actually paid attention. We'll tractor him in to kill his momentum, generate a warp field around his ship.
TUVOK: His flightpath is erratic. We'd be risking collision.
PARIS: Captain, I can make this work.
JANEWAY: Do it.
PARIS: Passing through the residual folds in space. Steady. Got him!
TUVOK: I've extended our warp field around his vessel. His core is powering down.
JANEWAY: Nice flying, Tom.
PARIS: My pleasure.
KIM: We're finally receiving a hail.
CHAKOTAY: Open a channel.
JANEWAY: Captain Janeway, of the Federation Starship Voyager. Do you need medical attention?
(A humanoid with an elaborate nose to forehead structure, with a pair of nostrils at the top as well as bottom.)
STETH [on viewscreen]: I'm fine, Captain. Unfortunately my ship is not.
JANEWAY: If you need to make repairs, we might be able to help.
STETH [on viewscreen]: That's very generous.
JANEWAY: We'll beam you aboard in a few minutes. Stand by.
STETH [on viewscreen]: Thank you.
JANEWAY: Tuvok.

[Transporter room]

JANEWAY: Energise.
(Steth is beamed aboard.)
JANEWAY: Welcome.
STETH: Captain, I know you put yourselves in danger to rescue me. I want to thank you.
JANEWAY: I'm glad we could help.
STETH: I was so eager to test my new engine, I pushed it beyond it's limits.

[Corridor]

JANEWAY: Coaxial warp doesn't seem to be the smoothest way to travel.
STETH: It's a violent procedure, but it allows a ship to travel through space at incredible speeds.
TUVOK: Considering the dangers, this method of travel hardly seems logical.
STETH: That's probably true, but if I were worrying about danger I wouldn't have become a test pilot.
JANEWAY: Where are you from?
STETH: The fourth planet of the Benthan system. That's about twenty light years from here.
JANEWAY: I'll speak to my engineers about helping you with repairs. Without your coaxial drive, it's a long way home.

[Chakotay's office]

CHAKOTAY: Come in.
PARIS: I'd like to ask you a favour. I need a change of pace. I'd like to help Steth repair his ship.
CHAKOTAY: This isn't a good time to ask.
PARIS: What do you mean?
CHAKOTAY: I've been reading a report from the Doctor. You didn't show up today.
PARIS: I was a little busy this morning. Saving someone's life, as I recall.
CHAKOTAY: Is there something wrong, Tom? Anything bothering you?
PARIS: Nothing is wrong. Since when is not wanting to spend time with the Doctor a capital offence? You'd have to throw the whole crew in the brig for that one.
CHAKOTAY: Maybe. I was wondering if there's something on your mind. You're showing up for your duty shifts, you do what's required, but your heart doesn't seem to be in it. You seem preoccupied.
PARIS: Like I said, I think I need a change of pace.
CHAKOTAY: You're a different man from the one that came on board four years ago. You've taken charge of your life, turned yourself around. I'd hate to see you ruin it.
PARIS: I won't. With your permission, I'll report to Sickbay.
CHAKOTAY: Permission denied. Report to Steth's ship instead. Assist in the repairs. We need our best man on the job.

[Steth's ship]

STETH: And on my way back, I made the mistake of flying the prototype through restricted Entaban territory.
PARIS: And?
STETH: And the Entabans weren't too pleased to see me. I limped back to the engineers on Benthos with phaser holes through their brand new extanium fuselage. I think they would have been happy to see phaser holes through me.
PARIS: When I was sixteen, I followed an ancient human custom. I took my father's shuttle out for a joy ride, and proceeded to fry all the relays.
(Benind his back, Steth turns into a woman, then back to a man again.)
STETH: I'm guessing he wasn't happy about getting it back.
PARIS: Actually he didn't. As far as I know, it's still at the bottom of Lake Tahoe.
STETH: Here it is, the coaxial induction drive. It draws in subatomic particles and reconfigures their internal geometries.
PARIS: And this is what makes folding space possible?
STETH: At least in spurts. Unfortunately, particle instabilities keep overloading my engines. But I'm going to make it work. I have to keep in motion. I don't like the thought of settling down. Too many new ships to drive. Too many intriguing women.
PARIS: Yeah, I guess so.
STETH: When I get this ship back I'm going to be doing the first test on a new Mithran class flyer. I'm told it's more advanced than any warship in the quadrant. Why don't you come with me? We'd have a great time. You could meet up with Voyager afterwards.
PARIS: I'd love to do that. It sounds very exciting. But I have responsibilities here. People who count on me. B'Elanna would be furious. B'Elanna. I have to go.

[Mess hall]

PARIS: So, you started without me.
TORRES: I finished without you. You're a little late.
PARIS: Sorry. I was helping Steth repair his ship.
TORRES: How's it going?
PARIS: Pretty slow. We're both stuck on how to prevent the particle overloads in his propulsion system.
TORRES: Have you tried an isokinetic containment field?
PARIS: Yeah, that's the first thing we tried.
TORRES: How long do you think repairs are going to take?
PARIS: I don't know.
TORRES: I was just hoping that maybe you could help me recalibrate the plasma manifolds tonight.
PARIS: Ah. I, er, I probably should go help Steth.
TORRES: Tom, is there something wrong?
PARIS: Why are you interrogating me?
TORRES: I didn't think I was.
PARIS: It sounds more like you want me to account for every minute that I'm not with you.
TORRES: That's ridiculous.
PARIS: Can't I have some time to myself? Can't I do what I want without having to report every detail of it to you?
TORRES: Tom, you can do whatever you want. I just wanted to know if there was something wrong. I mean, lately you've been cancelling dates. You hide out for hours in the holodeck.
PARIS: I am not hiding anything. That is ridiculous.
TORRES: Is it? You haven't even told me what holodeck programme this is that has you so fascinated.
PARIS: The Dancing Girls of Ninipia Prime. It's very entertaining,
TORRES: Very funny.
PARIS: You're overreacting.
TORRES: I am not overreacting. There's obviously something going on and you're refusing to admit it.
NEELIX: Good evening, Lieutenants. I see you don't have your dinner yet, Tom. Can I get you something?
PARIS: I'm really not hungry.
TORRES: Excuse me. Are you going to talk about this? Because if you're not, I don't want to sit here anymore.
PARIS: If you can carry on an adult conversation without all the histrionics
TORRES: Good night, Tom.

[Steth's ship]

(Steth goes through several changes before getting back to where he started.)
STETH: Computer, run a DNA stability analysis. How long before my genome reverts to it's previous form?
COMPUTER: Time to reversion three hours thirteen minutes. Complete genome recovery is imminent.

[Corridor]

PARIS: So I was lying in bed last night when it hit me. What you need is a carburettor.
STETH: A carburettor?
PARIS: Yes. It's a device that's hundreds of years old. I can't believe I didn't think of it yesterday.
STETH: Wait. Hundreds of years old? Surely that couldn't be of any use to us now.
PARIS: It all goes back to basics. You would be surprised at how often I find solutions to twenty fourth century problems in twentieth century technology. Computer, access Paris programme alpha one, Grease Monkey.
STETH: Grease Monkey?
PARIS: Mechanic lingo.

[Holodeck - Grease Monkey programme]

(Paris has taken the carburetter from his Camaro.)
PARIS: A car's engine can't run on pure fuel, so the carburettor supplies it with a mixture of vaporised fuel and air.
STETH: And you think we need a device like that to dilute the particle stream as it enters the coaxial drive.
PARIS: Exactly! And a spare polaric modulator from Voyager's impulse drive should do the trick.
STETH: Subatomic dilution! It never would have occurred to me. I think you've solved it.
PARIS: Well, we can run a few simulations on the holodeck before we actually try it.
STETH: I owe you a lot.
PARIS: You can thank my lucky toolbox. It's gotten me out of hot water more than once.
STETH: You're lucky to be stationed on a ship like this. Replicators to feed and clothe you, holotechnology to cater to every whim. Hallways filled with women.
PARIS: Yeah. It's great.
STETH: You don't sound convinced. Aren't you happy here?
PARIS: Of course I'm happy. I'm very happy. I mean, I pilot one of the most advanced ships in Starfleet, I have a beautiful girlfriend, I'm respected. I have everything that I've ever wanted.
STETH: You're lucky, You're part of a family, part of a structure. You have rules to guide you. You don't have to worry about making a lot of choices. I usually go to bed at night not knowing what the next day has in store, what trouble I might get into. You don't have to worry about those things. You're very settled.
PARIS: I remember those days. I used to be a lot like you. Going anywhere, doing whatever I wanted, making my own rules.
(Paris refits the carburetter. Steth becomes female behind his back, but the voice stays the same.)
STETH: Well, then there's hope for me yet, Maybe someday I'll settle down too. But for now I prefer to stay on the move.
PARIS: Sometimes I wish that's what I was doing.  
(Paris stands, and Steth is back to male.)
STETH: Things'll turn around for you. I've always found that change is inevitable. It comes when you least expect it.
PARIS: Yeah, I suppose.
STETH: Now, are we ready to try this carburettor idea on my ship?
PARIS: Just give me five more minutes to finish up here and I'll be right with you.
STETH: Five minutes. And Tom? Don't dismiss the suggestion I made, about coming with me to fly the new ship. It might be fun to escape the shackles for a while.
PARIS: Hmm.
(He discovers that there is a tool missing from his lucky tool box.)

[Cargo Bay two]

STETH: Computer, access all files pertaining to Lieutenant Tom Paris. Download into memory core alpha.
COMPUTER: Please enter authorisation code.
(Steth waves his PADD across the console.)
COMPUTER: Access granted. Commencing download.
(Seven enters.)
STETH: Hello. I'm Steth, a guest of your captain.
SEVEN: I have been appraised of your presence on Voyager. You are not authorised to access the ship's computers.
STETH: You must be Seven of Nine.
SEVEN: That is correct.
STETH: Tom mentioned you. He thinks you're extremely intelligent.
SEVEN: Lieutenant Paris' opinion of me is irrelevant to your being in this room.
STETH: Well, er, Tom felt we needed some files for polaric modulators, but he was called away before we could access them. I thought I'd find them myself and help out.
SEVEN: You were mistaken. He must be present to download these files.
(Seven is about to tap her comm. badge.)
STETH: Oh, I'm about to meet him at the holodeck. We can find the files there.
SEVEN: Voyager's hierarchy is complex. See that you familiarise yourself with it.
STETH: Good advice. I'll do that.

Captain's log, stardate 51762.4. The repairs to Steth's coaxial drive have been completed well ahead of schedule.

[Steth's ship]

PARIS: Everything here looks good. Just give me one more second to check the flow field parameters.
STETH: Go ahead.
(Paris packs up his Starfleet tool kits then finds his missing tool on a console.)
PARIS: It's my box wrench. I've been looking all over for this.
STETH: I know I should have asked you, Tom, but I needed it for an experiment.
PARIS: To check your new carburettor?
STETH: Not quite. You're the first humans I've met and that wrench had enough cellular residue on it for me to check your DNA. I have good news. We're compatible.
(Steth grabs Paris by the throat. His eyes roll back then he transforms into Paris, as Paris transforms into him.)
STETH/PARIS: Consider this a favour. I know how unhappy you've been with this dreary, settled life so I'm taking it off your hands. I'm betting there's still some fun to be had here. Voyager is a great ship, Tom. I'll take good care of it.
(He shoots Paris/Steth.)

[Bridge]

STETH/PARIS: Sorry I'm late.
JANEWAY: We were beginning to wonder if you were ever coming back.
KIM: His ship is powering engines.
(Steth wanders the bridge, then watches the little ship fly away on the viewscreen.)
JANEWAY: Something wrong, Tom?
STETH/PARIS: It's nothing.
(He takes over from Ayala at the helm.)
STETH/PARIS: I'm just really going to miss that guy.

[Mess hall]

CHAKOTAY: Mind if I join you?
STETH/PARIS: Not at all. Commander.
CHAKOTAY: Chakotay will do, Tom. You don't carry this rules thing too far. I've been discussing your engineering report with the captain. She was wondering if we could implement some of Steth's technology here on Voyager.
STETH/PARIS: Really?
CHAKOTAY: We thought maybe you could start on a shuttle. Do you think you can do it?
STETH as PARIS: I'm sure I can.
CHAKOTAY: Great. You can start right after you finish with the Doctor.
STETH/PARIS: The Doctor.
CHAKOTAY: He needs your help in Sickbay. I told him you'd be there.
STETH/PARIS: Of course.

[Corridor]

CREWMAN: Lieutenant.
STETH/PARIS: Hi.
(Steth uses a PADD to find his way around, and checks the signage on every door. When he sees Seven, he doubles back and looks at the Voyager schematic on the wall panel.)
KIM: I know you've been avoiding the Doctor, but don't tell me you've forgotten where Sickbay is?
STETH/PARIS: Oh! Not yet. I was just trying to figure out if there's a more efficient route between Sickbay and my quarters.
KIM: I didn't realise you were that eager to get there. So tell me, are they ready yet?
STETH/PARIS: Ah, not yet. But they will be, soon.
KIM: Great. Hey, let me know if you have any problems. Polyduranide can be tough to replicate.
STETH/PARIS: Oh, sure can be.
KIM: I can't wait to get my hands around one of those clubs. Ensign Kaplan won't know what hit her.
STETH/PARIS: What?
KIM: We're going to play golf with her. We scheduled a rematch, remember?
STETH/PARIS: Oh, of course. I can't wait.
KIM: Have you been working on your putting? You missed both those two-footers last time.
STETH/PARIS: I won't let it happen again.
KIM: All right. Give the Doc my best.
STETH/PARIS: I will.
(Kim goes into a turbolift.)
STETH/PARIS: If I ever find him.

[Sickbay]

EMH: You're early, Mister Paris. I see some good came from my report to Commander Chakotay. Let's put these extra few minutes to good use. Begin with a thorough biobed diagnostic. I want you to recalibrate each physiosensor, making sure to enter each metabolic referent precisely.
STETH/PARIS: Okay.
EMH: When you're through with that, run a protein structure analysis and then continue your review of the thirty seven steps of a cardiopulmonary reconstruction procedure. I'll leave you to your biobeds.
(Steth presses a control on the tricorder. Beep!)
EMH: Did you forget to disengage the scan emitters?
STETH/PARIS: Sorry.
(Beep!)
EMH: Mister Paris.
STETH/PARIS: I don't know what's wrong.
EMH: I realise it's complicated, but you must try again.
STETH/PARIS: Actually, I'm not feeling so well.
EMH: How fortunate you're already in Sickbay. I'll run a few scans.
STETH/PARIS: No, no, Doc, that's all right. To be perfectly honest with you. This is so frustrating for me. I usually pick things up a lot faster than this.
EMH: You're here to learn, Mister Paris. It will get easier with time.
STETH/PARIS: That's easy for you to say.
EMH: Excuse me?
STETH/PARIS: Well, no offence, Doctor, but you were programmed to be a medical genius. Things always come easy to you. Me, I'm just a pilot. A grease monkey. And as hard as I might try to become a better assistant, it's clear to me now that I'll never be half the healer that you are.
EMH: Do you mean to tell me you've been trying to live up to my standards?
STETH/PARIS: I'm afraid I have.
EMH: It all makes sense now. The misplaced aggression, the shirking of responsibilities. All classic signs of an inferiority complex. I had no idea my superior abilities were affecting your psyche so strongly. Take the rest of the day off. Reflect on your strengths. Realise your worth.
STETH/PARIS: I'll do that, Doctor. Thank you.

[Torres' quarters]

(Torres enters to see 'Paris' fail to get a golf ball into the hole.)
STETH/PARIS: B'Elanna.
TORRES: What do you think you're doing?
STETH/PARIS: Putting.
TORRES: In my quarters?
STETH/PARIS: I can't putt in your quarters?
TORRES: No.
STETH/PARIS: Since when?
TORRES: Tom. What is this?
STETH/PARIS: That is a sand wedge. It's used for getting out of traps.
TORRES: Why is it here?
STETH/PARIS: I replicated it for you. I thought we could play a little game of golf on the holodeck before dinner.
TORRES: So this is your idea of an adult conversation? I don't know what you are trying to accomplish with this little stunt, but let me assure you, it is not working. I am sorry if you are bored because Steth is gone, but that doesn't mean that you can just walk in here and pretend like you haven't been shutting me out.
STETH/PARIS: You're being a little hard on Steth. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be here right now.
TORRES: Really?
STETH/PARIS: I mentioned to him we were having some problems and he urged me to come and talk to you. To try to work things out. To admit I was wrong. I made a mistake, B'Elanna, and I'm sorry. I won't shut you out anymore. In fact, I went to the Doctor and begged to be excused from my duties. I realise it's only a few extra hours, but they're hours I want to spend with you.
TORRES: Steth turned out to be a positive influence on you.
(He moves in for the kiss.)

[Steth's ship]

(The new version of Paris wakes up.)
PARIS/STETH: Computer, wh
(He hears his new voice.)
PARIS/STETH: Computer, where are we?
COMPUTER: Navigation matrix one seven one one. The Kotaba expanse. Coaxial leap complete.
PARIS?STETH: How far are we from Voyager? Computer, lock in Voyager's last known coordinates and activate differential induction drive.
COMPUTER: Unable to execute command.
PARIS/STETH: Why not?
COMPUTER: The differential induction drive has been secured. The security access code is required to implement the coaxial leap.
(Two large ships arrive.)
AVIK [OC]: This is Commander Avek of the Benthan Guard. We're taking you into custody. Prepare to surrender the vessel to us at once.
PARIS/STETH: Benthan? I need a second to explain, Commander. I'm not who you think
AVIK [OC]: We do not negotiate with thieves.
PARIS/STETH: No, you don't understand. I, I need the ship to get back to Voyager.
AVIK [OC]: Surrender the vessel peacefully or we will use force.
(They tractor his ship. A massive ship arrives and they leave quickly. A woman with long elaborate ear tips beams aboard.)
PARIS/STETH: Why is everybody trying to shoot me today?
DAELEN: You know what I'm here for.
PARIS/STETH: I don't know what you're talking about. Who are you?
DAELEN: I'm Steth.
PARIS/STETH: What?
DAELEN: Look at me. You did wear this body for nearly a year before you switched it with mine. That's my body you're in now. I want it back.
PARIS/STETH: Bear with me for a second. We have more in common than you might think.

[Transporter room]

(In orbit of a planet.)
TORRES: This better be good, Tom. I left Vorik right in the middle of an EPS recalibration.
STETH/PARIS: You can thank me later.
TORRES: So, what's my big surprise?
STETH/PARIS: What would you say to twenty four glorious hours on the famed fourth planet of the Kendren system?
TORRES: You mean the planet where Neelix is gathering food samples?
STETH/PARIS: I ran a few scans and found the most incredible beach on one of the smaller continents. I replicated a picnic lunch for us. Voyager isn't leaving orbit until tomorrow. We'd have an entire day.
TORRES: Only a day? Oh, I think that we would need at least a week.
STETH/PARIS: I wish we could. We've only got a day.
TORRES: You're serious, aren't you.
STETH/PARIS: Completely.
TORRES: Do you know how much trouble we would be in?
STETH/PARIS: What could Janeway do, execute us?
TORRES: Tom, I am swamped. I can't get away for an hour, let alone twenty four.
STETH/PARIS: B'Elanna.
TORRES: I have responsibilities here. We both do.
STETH/PARIS: Responsibilities? I don't care!
TORRES: Tom, you're hurting me.
STETH/PARIS: You're a real disappointment to me, do you know that? I don't know what I ever saw in you.

[Mess hall]

STETH/PARIS: Seven, what brings you here at this hour?
SEVEN: We were supposed to meet in the shuttlebay at twenty one hundred hours. Did you forget?
STETH/PARIS: I did. I got so caught up with my reading I guess it slipped my mind. Sorry.
SEVEN: The capillaries in your eyes are swollen, Lieutenant, and I see signs of vascular congestion in your cheeks. Are you intoxicated?
STETH/PARIS: No, not at all. I was just exploring the replicator, trying some alien beverages. Only a few were alcoholic.
SEVEN: You are not officially off-duty for another seventy eight minutes.
STETH/PARIS: I'm on break. Would you like to join me? I could replicate another Trakian ale for you.
SEVEN: That will not be necessary.
STETH/PARIS: Relax, Seven. You're not on the Borg Cube any more. We could finish our work on the shuttle tomorrow.
SEVEN: That would be an inefficient use of our time. I will complete the work myself.
STETH/PARIS: Fine.
SEVEN: Before I leave, I would like to know why you were reading the captain's personal logs?
STETH/PARIS: I wasn't.
SEVEN: I saw the PADD. It was unmistakably the captain's logs.
STETH/PARIS: You're wrong. You're confused. You couldn't possibly have seen anything.
SEVEN: You know I possess an eidetic memory. I require only seconds to commit what I see to memory. Would you like me to quote the passage you were reading?
STETH/PARIS: I'm warning you, stay out of my way! Don't interfere in things that don't concern you. If you bother me again, I will make things very unpleasant for you.
SEVEN: Remove your hand from my arm.
STETH/PARIS: Don't be foolish. You'll regret it.

[Ready room]

JANEWAY: Enter.
STETH/PARIS: You wanted to see me, Captain?
JANEWAY: Yes. I received a rather disturbing report from Seven of Nine regarding your conduct last night. She claims you were drinking on duty.
STETH/PARIS: She's mistaken, Captain.
JANEWAY: Don't lie to me, Tom. I checked the computers. You replicated five alcoholic beverages in the mess hall. She also said you threatened her.
STETH/PARIS: I'm sorry, Captain. B'Elanna and I had an argument. I was upset.
JANEWAY: And is that why you were reading my personal logs?
STETH/PARIS: I wasn't!
JANEWAY: Seven recited a passage which I'd written, word for word.
STETH/PARIS: She probably accessed those files herself. Captain, you can't take the word of a Borg over mine.
JANEWAY: This has to stop, Tom. Your conduct lately has been bizarre, and I've heard far too many complaints from far too many people to dismiss it. Chakotay, the Doctor, Seven of Nine. They're all worried about you. And so am I.
STETH/PARIS: You're right, Captain. I need some rest. I'll go right to my quarters.
JANEWAY: Tom! As your Captain and as your friend, I want you to report to Sickbay for some tests. We have to find out if there's something physical that's causing this behaviour.
STETH/PARIS: This is crazy. I don't need any help.
JANEWAY: That's an order.

[Bridge]

JANEWAY [OC]: Security, I need you in the ready room, now!

[Ready room]

(Tuvok and a guard enter to see Paris throttling Janeway. They shoot Paris.)
TUVOK: Are you hurt, Captain?
JANEWAY: No. Take him to Sickbay. Keep security with him.

[Steth's ship]

DAELEN: The coaxial drive will be online in a few minutes.
PARIS/STETH: Good. I've just about overridden all the lock-out commands. No offence, but I'd like to get out of your body as soon as possible.
DAELEN: The alien seems capable of some sort of selective DNA exchange. He absorbs new DNA while depositing his current genetic material into his victims. Let's hope he can reverse that process.
PARIS/STETH: That's the last lock-out command. We're set for coaxial warp. Let's find Voyager.

Captain's log, supplemental. The doctor has treated Mister Paris' phaser wounds, but has been unable to wake him. The motive for his attack remains a mystery.

[Sickbay]

EMH: Neurological scans yielded very little, but I did find something very interesting in his blood analysis. There are traces of a second DNA pattern in his nucleotide structure. Possibly the result of a genetic virus.
TUVOK: Could this be the cause of his recent behaviour?
EMH: I don't know, but I'm running more scans to see how this might have affected his neurological functions.
CHAKOTAY [OC]: Captain, a vessel just emerged from coaxial space off our starboard bow.
JANEWAY: Keep me informed, Doctor.

[Bridge]

JANEWAY: Hail them.
PARIS/STETH [on viewscreen]: Captain Janeway.
JANEWAY: Welcome back, Mister Steth.
PARIS/STETH [on viewscreen]: I know this sounds crazy, Captain, but I'm not Steth. I'm Tom Paris.
JANEWAY: I beg your pardon.
PARIS/STETH [on viewscreen]: We're dealing with an alien who's some sort of identity thief. He traded places with me. Please, beam us aboard.
JANEWAY: Maintain your position while we consider your request. End transmission. Hold them in a tractor beam until you hear from me.
KIM: Aye, Captain.
JANEWAY: I have a feeling Steth and his new friend are behind whatever's happened to Tom.
CHAKOTAY: Captain?
JANEWAY: No time to explain. I'll be in Sickbay.

[Shuttlecraft]

(In the shuttlebay)
SEVEN: Captain?
(Janeway shoots Seven.)

[Bridge]

KIM: Commander, I'm reading an unauthorised shuttle launch. It's the captain. She's in the shuttle Tom's been working on.
CHAKOTAY: Try hailing her.
KIM: She's not responding.
CHAKOTAY: Hail Steth's ship. Look, I don't know who you are, but I want to know what's happening here.
PARIS/STETH [on viewscreen]: Who's on that shuttle?
CHAKOTAY: Captain Janeway.
PARIS/STETH [on viewscreen]: No. I'm betting the alien switched my body, er, Tom's body for hers. You've got to let us out of this tractor beam. We can catch her with this ship. Chakotay, it's me.
CHAKOTAY: How do I know that?
PARIS/STETH [on viewscreen]: The other day, in your office, you told me I'd turned my life around. Well, give me the chance to prove it. Let me go after the shuttle. It is the only way we can get everybody back into the right body.
CHAKOTAY: Harry, disengage the tractor beam.

[Steth's ship]

PARIS/STETH: Twenty thousand kilometres and closing.
DAELEN: Has he detected us yet?
(Whumph!)
PARIS/STETH: I'd say he has.

[Shuttle]

STETH/JANEWAY: Gentlemen, I'd advise you to reconsider this pursuit. Killing me will only keep you trapped in those bodies.

[Steth's ship]

DAELEN: He's right. We can't risk killing him.
PARIS/STETH: Yeah, but nothing's keeping him from killing us. Damn! The ship's not nearly as manoeuverable as a shuttle.
DAELEN: Shields are down.
STETH/JANEWAY [OC]: I'm surprised you're so eager to

[Shuttle]

STETH/JANEWAY: Reclaim your life on Voyager, Tom. I was just as disappointed with it as you were.

[Steth's ship]

PARIS/STETH: Then I guess we were both wrong.

[Shuttle]

STETH/JANEWAY: It's time to move on again. Oh, Tom? Be sure to send my best regards to B'Elanna, hmm?

[Steth's ship]

DAELEN: He's charging the coaxial drive.
PARIS/STETH: Set the sensors to track him.
DAELEN: I can't. He's blocking us. We won't be able to follow him once he goes into coaxial warp. We're losing him.
PARIS/STETH: The carburettor! We added a polaric modulator to the coaxial drive. If I can target the modulator, hit it with a chromoelectric pulse, that'll disrupt his engines. Here goes.

[Shuttle]

(The drive is disabled.)
PARIS/STETH [OC]: I hope you still have my box wrench. Faulty carburettors can be a pain to fix.

Captain's log, stardate 51775.2. While the alien intruder remains trapped in the body of his last victim, the doctor has found a way to return Tom, Steth and me to our own bodies.

[Sickbay]

STETH: Doctor, I can't thank you enough. You've given me my life back.
EMH: All in a day's work.
STETH: There were times when I thought I would be stuck in that body forever.
PARIS: Believe me, I'm just as happy to be back to the old Tom Paris.
JANEWAY: What do you plan to do now?
STETH: I'm going to take her back to Bentha. I hope to find the person who belongs to that body.
EMH: But who knows if that's the end of it? We have no idea how long she or he has been switching identities.
STETH: It may take a while, but I will do whatever I can to find everyone you've violated.
JANEWAY: A security team will escort you to your ship and erect a forcefield to contain her.

[Holodeck - Grease Monkey programme]

(Paris opens the garage door to show off the Camaro.)
TORRES: So this is where you've been hiding? A garage.
PARIS: It's more than just a garage. This is a monument to hundreds and hundreds of hours that I probably should have spent with you.
TORRES: Probably?
PARIS: Definitely.
TORRES: It's a lovely garage, Tom, but I still don't understand why you brought me here.
PARIS: Well, consider it a symbolic gesture. It's my less than subtle attempt to let you in.
TORRES: I see. To make it clear that I mean almost as much to you as a cam-a-ro.
PARIS: It's a mint condition 1969 Camaro. And yes, you mean a lot more to me.
(They get into the car, and smooch to Let's Go Tripping, by Dick Dale.)

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