Bride of Chaotica!
Stardate: Unknown
Original Airdate: 27 January 1999

[Holodeck - Proton's ship]

(We are back in the land of black and white Saturday afternoon serials at the cinema.)
NARRATOR: The Adventures of Captain Proton! Chapter Eighteen: Bride of Chaotica! The evil Doctor Chaotica kidnaps Constance Goodheart and plans to sacrifice her to Arachnia, Queen of the Spider People. (Constance screams, Chaotica laughs.) Captain Proton travels millions of miles to Planet X where he will invade the Fortress of Doom. Chaotica fires his fiendish Death Ray. Certain death for Proton as his rocket ship bursts into flames.
KIM: We didn't burst into flames in the last chapter. Why are these recaps always so inaccurate?
PARIS: Well, they brought people back to the theatres.
KIM: Cliff-hangers.
PARIS: The lost art of hyperbole. You ready?
KIM: Aye, Captain.
PARIS: Let's get this show on the road. Computer, begin Chapter Eighteen.
KIM: We're receiving a transmission. It's Chaotica.
PARIS: Imagising.
CHAOTICA [on imagiser]: Captain Proton. Surrender!
PARIS: Not a chance. Release Miss Goodheart and we'll be on our way.
CHAOTICA [on imagiser]: I'm afraid your secretary has already been promised to Queen Arachnia as a Supreme Sacrifice.
(Constance screams.)
KIM: You'll never get away with this.
CHAOTICA [on imagiser]: Oh, ho ho ho, but I shall. You escaped from my Death Ray once, but you won't survive this!
KIM: He's charging the weapon.
PARIS: Brace for impact.
KIM: Direct hit. We lost both engines. 
PARIS: Steering jets are on the fritz.
(The periscope reveals a range of mountains dead ahead.)
KIM: We're going down!
PARIS: The landing gear is jammed. Hang on!  
(They get shaken about a bit.)
KIM: Opening hatch.
PARIS: Welcome to Planet X.
KIM: What's the plan?
PARIS: This is the part where we defeat Chaotica's soldiers, steal their uniforms, and make our way through the underground caverns.
KIM: Hey, I thought you said there were slave girls in this chapter.
PARIS: After we infiltrate the Fortress of Doom, we'll free Chaotica's harem. Let's go.
KIM: I'm right behind you.

[Holodeck - Planet X]

KIM: Planet X looks kind of familiar. What was the last place we went to?
PARIS: The Mines of Mercury.
KIM: They're identical.
PARIS: Sets were expensive. At least there's no erupting volcano this time. Ah, behold the Fortress of Doom.
KIM: And how are we supposed to get up there?
PARIS: I told you. The un
BOTH: Derground caverns.
KIM: Right.  
(The ground shakes.)
KIM: I thought you said there was no volcano.
PARIS: I did.
KIM: Er, Tom. (A bright red light is shining purple rays into the monochrome holoprogramme.)
PARIS: Definitely not Chaotica.
KIM: Computer, end programme.
COMPUTER: Unable to comply. Holodeck controls are offline.
PARIS: Paris to bridge. Bridge, respond.
KIM: We need to find the manual overrides.
PARIS: There's an access port in the rocket ship. Come on.

[Bridge]

JANEWAY: Report.
CHAKOTAY: We've dropped out of warp. We're at a dead stop.
JANEWAY: Cause?
TUVOK: Unknown. Engines are operational.
CHAKOTAY: I'm reading gravimetric forces around the ship. They're disrupting our power flow.
TUVOK: Control systems are going offline. I no longer have access to communications, deflector, weapons.
JANEWAY: Scan for vessels, tractor beams, anything that might explain what's holding us here.

[Holodeck - Planet X]

(A stocky man in a tall metal hat shouts at Paris and Kim. He has two stooges with him.)
LONZAK: Halt in the name of Chaotica! Proton!
KIM: Buddy of yours?
LONZAK: Surprised? You thought I perished in the Den of Crocodiles.
PARIS: We don't have time for this.
LONZAK: I survived clinging to the thought that I would one day
(Paris shoots him. Lonzak staggers backwards to collapse in comfort, while Kim and Paris shoot the two stooges.)

[Bridge]

TUVOK: I believe I have an explanation. Sensors show that we've entered a layer of subspace. It's disrupting our warp field.
JANEWAY: Do we have impulse?
CHAKOTAY: Yes
JANEWAY: Engage at full.
TUVOK: No change in our position.
JANEWAY: Route all available power to the engines.
TUVOK: We're not moving.
CHAKOTAY: The impulse reactor's running hot. We're heading for an overload.
JANEWAY: Give it all she's got. Full thrusters.
CHAKOTAY: No effect. Reactors are critical.
JANEWAY: Abort. Increase power to the structural integrity field. We may be here awhile.

[Holodeck - Proton's ship]

PARIS: It's no use. I can't disengage the programme.
KIM: Well, you better think of something fast, Proton. A second distortion just appeared. Whatever they are, they're getting bigger.
PARIS: Hold on. I've got access to the transporter. I'm going to try a site to site.
KIM: There's a third one.
(Paris beams himself and Kim into a corridor.)

[Astrometrics lab]

SEVEN: I've run a trans-spectral analysis. The area between space and subspace is unstable throughout this region.
TORRES: Basically, we've run aground on a subspace sandbar. I've tried realigning the warp field, reversing hull polarity.
PARIS: Maybe we should just get out and push.
SEVEN: The gravimetric forces are disrupting our control systems.
TORRES: As long as we're trapped here we won't have access to the computer core, tactical, holodecks, and all but six replicators.
JANEWAY: What about those distortions on the holodeck? What's the connection?
SEVEN: They appear to be random energy fluctuations. I don't believe they post a threat.
JANEWAY: Let's keep an eye on them anyway, and evacuate that deck just to be safe. A few years back, when I was a science officer on the Al-Batani, we tried to navigate a dense protonebula. It stopped us dead in our tracks. For three days we attempted to force our way out, until we realised we were trying too hard.
TORRES: Captain?
JANEWAY: Every time we engaged the engines, we were increasing the resistance of the nebula's particle field. We may be facing a similar situation.
SEVEN: Our own warp field may be increasing the gravimetric forces. If we power down the core and use minimal thrusters, we might be able to break free.
JANEWAY: You took the words right out of my mouth.
SEVEN: Your plan could work.
TORRES: Now that we have your blessing.
JANEWAY: Let's give it a try.

[Holodeck - Planet X]

(Two energy beams come down from the distortions and solidify into men in natty suits. They scan the Fortress of Doom.)
LONZAK: Halt, in the name of Chaotica!
ALIEN: We intend no harm.
LONZAK: Seize them! Lower the drawbridge. We are bringing prisoners.

[Holodeck - Fortress of Doom]

CHAOTICA: Yes, yes, yes, Lonzak, what do you want?
LONZAK: Your Majesty.
CHAOTICA: Where's Proton?
LONZAK: He er, escaped.
CHAOTICA: Fool! You will pay for your incompetence. Seize him!
ROBOT: Surrender.
LONZAK: But Majesty, I have brought prisoners.
CHAOTICA: More Earthlings?
LONZAK: No. They claim they're from another Dimension.
CHAOTICA: The Fifth Dimension. Bring them to me.
(The two aliens are brought in.)
ALIEN: Identify yourself.
CHAOTICA: You insult me. I am Chaotica, Ruler of the Cosmos.
LONZAK: Kneel before his Majesty. I said, kneel!  
(The aliens are pushed to their knees.)
CHAOTICA: You have invaded my planet. Why?
ALIEN: To contact other photonic lifeforms. To learn from them.
CHAOTICA: Are you alone or are you the vanguard of an invading army?
ALIEN: We are explorers.
CHAOTICA: I am growing weary of this charade. Your armies will be no match for my space force. We'll crush you like insects.
ALIEN: They are hostile. This contact should be terminated.
CHAOTICA: Indeed. Lonzak, execute them.
(Lonzak obliterates one alien, the other has himself beamed away. Constance screams, of course.)
CHAOTICA: Coward. He'll learn there's no escape from Chaotica. Gather my Space Force. Power the Death Ray.
LONZAK: At once, Majesty.
CHAOTICA: Take Miss Goodheart to Arachnia. Invite the Queen to join me in battle. Together, we will rain destruction on the Fifth Dimension!
(Constance screams as the Robot approaches her.)

Captain's log, supplemental. We've been spinning our wheels for three days now, and still no progress in breaking free of the subspace layer.

[Mess hall]

NEELIX: Look on the bright side. there's only three meals a day.
JANEWAY: Coffee, black.
NEELIX: Sorry, Captain. We lost two more replicators this morning
JANEWAY: Listen to me very carefully because I'm only going to say this once. Coffee, black.
NEELIX: Yes, ma'am. Coffee, black. While I've got your attention, there are
JANEWAY: Coffee first. Now, what's the problem?
NEELIX: It's a, it's a delicate matter.
JANEWAY: I don't have time to play twenty questions, Neelix.
NEELIX: Replicators aren't the only systems of convenience offline. We've only got four functioning lavatories for a ship of a hundred and fifty people.
JANEWAY: I see.
NEELIX: Needless to say, lines are beginning to form. If we don't get unstuck soon we may have a serious problem on our hands. Especially with the Bolians. All but three sonic showers are offline, too. In another couple of days
JANEWAY: I get the idea.
CHAKOTAY [OC]: Captain to the bridge.
JANEWAY: On my way. I'm going to leave these problems in your capable hands.
NEELIX: Yes ma'am. I was thinking, if we drew up a schedule.
JANEWAY: Whatever it takes.

[Bridge]

JANEWAY: Status.
TORRES: The warp core has been powered down. The thrusters at standby.
JANEWAY: Okay. Let's give it a try. Take us out, Tom. Nice and slow.
PARIS: We're moving. Two metres per second. Three metres.
JANEWAY: Steady.
PARIS: Nine metres. Ten.
JANEWAY: Increase power to the thrusters by fifty percent.
TORRES: We're approaching the subspace boundary.
PARIS: Twenty five metres per second. Wait a minute, we're slowing down. Nineteen metres per second, eighteen.
TORRES: Captain, I'm reading power surges.
JANEWAY: Source?
TORRES: Unknown, but they look like weapon signatures.
KIM: I'm not reading any other ships in the area.
PARIS: We've stopped.
TUVOK: I've localised the weapons fire. It's emanating from within the ship. Deck six, holodeck two.
JANEWAY: Who's still on that deck?
TUVOK: No one. No lifesigns.
KIM: There's a programme running. It's Captain Proton.
PARIS: Proton?
CHAKOTAY: Can you shut it down?
KIM: Negative. Control systems still malfunctioning.
JANEWAY: Tuvok, get down there and find out what's happening. Well, join him.
PARIS: Yes, ma'am.

[Holodeck - Planet X]

(The planet and part of the Fortress of Doom are a smoking mess.)
TUVOK: It appears that a battle took place.
PARIS: Believe me, it wasn't like this when I left. I must have missed a few chapters.
TUVOK: Holodeck programmes don't normally run by themselves.
PARIS: No kidding.
(They find Constance.)
PARIS: She's dead.
TUVOK: Who is she?
PARIS: Constance Goodheart, my secretary. This doesn't make sense. She isn't supposed to die. She's one of the good guys.
TUVOK: I'm sure you two were very close, but she is a holodeck character.
PARIS: A character from 1930s Hollywood. The good guys never get killed. Something's wrong here.
ROBOT: Invaders from the Fifth Dimension.
PARIS: Satan's Robot.
TUVOK: Naturally.
ROBOT: Queen Arachnia is on her way. Invaders from the Fifth Dimension. Destroy Proton.
(The robot has black scorch marks across its metal, and a few dents.)
PARIS: Give me a hand. If we can repair his vocaliser he might be able to tell us what's been going on. It looks like he burned out a resister.
TUVOK: A what?
PARIS: That's a few centuries before duotronic circuitry.
TUVOK: I see. How do you propose we repair him?
PARIS: Well, first of all, I've gotta remove this damaged tube. No problem. Just a few crossed wires.
TUVOK: Your knowledge of this technology is most impressive.
PARIS: Oh, thanks. Got it.
ROBOT: Intruders. Intruders. Intruders. Intruder alert! Intruder alert!
PARIS: Tell us what happened.
ROBOT: Invaders from the Fifth Dimension. Invaders from the Fifth Dimension
PARIS: Hey, calm down.
TUVOK: How did these invaders get here?
ROBOT: A portal.
PARIS: A Fifth Dimension? There's not supposed to be alien invaders in this story. That's in Captain Proton versus the Cosmic Creature.
ROBOT: Invaders from the Fifth Dimension.
PARIS: Those subspace distortions. Take us to this portal.
(It obeys.)
ROBOT: There.
(Weapons fire comes from four coloured distortions.)
TUVOK: Photonic charges. The same signatures as the weapons fire we detected.
ROBOT: The Fifth Dimension.
TUVOK: We must report this to the Captain.
PARIS: Wait. I want to check my rocket ship first.
TUVOK: Excuse me?
PARIS: It's got sensors, sort of. Maybe they can tell us something Voyager's sensors can't.

[Astrometrics lab]

SEVEN: I've established a visual link with the holodeck. The attack appears to be originating from subspace.
KIM: Can you tell where it's coming from?
SEVEN: No.
(Lightning flashes hit the distortions.)
SEVEN: What was that?
KIM: Chaotica's Death Ray.
SEVEN: Excuse me?
KIM: Let's see if we can get a look inside his Fortress, find out what he's up to.
CHAOTICA [on screen]: Full power to the Death Ray! Arachnia, Queen of the Spider People. You have not responded to my summons. Don't
(Seven mutes the sound.)
KIM: I don't get it. Chaotica was supposed to be fighting Earth in this chapter.
SEVEN: Apparently he's found a new enemy.
KIM: The Fifth Dimension.
SEVEN: It seems your infantile scenario now poses a security risk.
KIM: It was just supposed to be a little harmless entertainment.
SEVEN: Entertainment. Another frivolous human endeavour.

[Holodeck - Proton's ship]

(Captain Proton has a ticker tape machine.)
TUVOK: These are your sensor readings?
PARIS: Telegram. It's a message to Captain Proton from the President of Earth. Intercepted communications between Doctor Chaotica and Arachnia. Stop. Chaotica at war with aliens from Fifth Dimension. Stop. Must strike now to disable Death Ray.
TUVOK: Stop. Please summarise the message.
PARIS: Well, it looks like Chaotica has captured a couple of aliens from the Fifth Dimension.
TUVOK: An alternate universe.
PARIS: Could be. Maybe they wandered into the holodeck through one of those distortions.
TUVOK: To participate in a game?
(The hatch opens.)
ROBOT: Intruder!
TUVOK: I assume there's no locking mechanism on the hatch?
PARIS: It was a simpler time.
(An alien enters.)
TUVOK: Is he part of the programme?
PARIS: I don't recognise him.
ROBOT: Invaders!
PARIS: Quiet! Look there's been a misunderstanding. I'm Ensign Paris from the Starship Voyager. This is Lieutenant Tuvok.
ALIEN: You have killed fifty three of my people.
PARIS: We haven't killed anyone.
TUVOK: Ensign. Everything you see here is a simulation. None of it's real.
ALIEN: Simulation?
TUVOK: A photonically-based projection.
ALIEN: All life is photonic.
TUVOK: We are not. we are biochemical lifeforms.
ALIEN: I'm not familiar with biochemical.
TUVOK: We are carbon based. We live aboard a starship. I believe we have become trapped in a region of space that intersects your own.
ALIEN: We've detected no starship. Only this planet.
TUVOK: This planet isn't real. As I told you, it's part of a simulation.
PARIS: Maybe we can help you adjust your sensors.
ALIEN: You don't register as a lifeform. You are the illusion.
PARIS: We're as real as you are. Listen.
ROBOT: Citizen of the Fifth Dimension, you will be destroyed. You
(The alien shoots the Robot, who flails around and disarms him. The alien flees.)
PARIS: Wait. Wait!
ROBOT: Damage. Damage. Require maintenance. Help. Help. Help.

[Briefing room]

JANEWAY: Let me get this straight. Transdimensional aliens have mistaken your Captain Proton simulation for reality.
PARIS: Yes, ma'am.
JANEWAY: And now an armed conflict has broken out between these aliens and Chaotica's holographic army.
PARIS: Yes, ma'am. His Army of Evil.
JANEWAY: And will someone please explain why we haven't simply shut down the holodeck?
SEVEN: We've tried. The controls are still offline.
JANEWAY: We're going to have to get through to these aliens somehow and explain that they're fighting shadows.
PARIS: We've tried, but they don't believe us. They think that we're not real. They can't detect Voyager, so every time they scan us we seem as artificial to them as holographic characters do to us.
CHAKOTAY: That explains why they haven't answered our hails.
SEVEN: The Doctor is photonic. He may be able to persuade them.
JANEWAY: It's worth a try. Brief him.
PARIS: In the meantime, I think we should let the programme play out.
JANEWAY: You're not suggesting we wait until this Chaotica defeats the aliens?
PARIS: No, no, I'm suggesting that we help the aliens to defeat Chaotica. They think that he's leading some kind of hostile invasion force. Once that threat is gone, it's a good bet that they will leave and close up their portals.
CHAKOTAY: How do you propose to defeat Chaotica?
PARIS: Well, he's been attacking the aliens with his Death Ray.
TUVOK: It's a shame we don't have one.
PARIS: Forget about what it's called, Tuvok. In the world of Captain Proton, it's the most powerful weapon that there is. And because it's photonic, it's lethal to these aliens. Now, in Chapter eighteen, Captain Proton disables this weapon just before Chaotica can use it to destroy Earth.
JANEWAY: And you think that Proton, namely you of course, could still do that?
PARIS: Well, we'd have to knock out the Lightning Shield first.
SEVEN: A forcefield.
PARIS: Yeah, now you're catching on. The Destructo Beam on my rocket ship can disable the Death Ray, but only if someone gets inside the Fortress of Doom and can shut down the Lightning Shield.
CHAKOTAY: And who's supposed to do that?
PARIS: Arachnia, Queen of the Spider People.
JANEWAY: Charming.
PARIS: Chaotica thinks so. In the story, he's in love with her. He's been trying to form an alliance since Chapter Three. She's the only one that he trusts, the only one that can get close enough to disable the Lightning Shield. Somebody is going to have to take on her character.
JANEWAY: Who'd you have in mind? Oh, no!
PARIS: It's the role of a lifetime.
TUVOK: Captain, need I remind you that we have exhausted all other possibilities of escaping this layer of subspace.
CHAKOTAY: Until we can eliminate those distortions, we're trapped.
SEVEN: Think of it as Starfleet's first encounter with Planet X.
JANEWAY: Thanks.
PARIS: Captain, it won't be so bad. I can explain to you what you can expect. I can tell you
JANEWAY: All right, all right. I'm a size four.

[Doctor's office]

TORRES: What's the emergency?
EMH: I've been enlisted. I'm supposed to make contact with our photonic friends from the Fifth Dimension and convince them to call off their attack.
TORRES: Congratulations. Why do you need me?
EMH: It's an undercover mission. I'll need a bit of cosmetic surgery. These are the parameters for my new costume. 

[Medical lab]

TORRES: What are you going as, the Emperor of the Universe?
(She starts to adjust the mobile emitter.)
EMH: Well, I've been forced to scale back my role in the interest of credibility. I'll be President of Earth. I must say, the idea of an entire universe populated by photonic beings is rather appealing.
TORRES: Well, if your mission fails, you could be taking up permanent residence.
KIM [OC]: Kim to Sickbay. Report to holodeck two, Doctor.
TORRES: You're all set. The new parameters will activate as soon as you enter the holodeck.
EMH: Thank you.
TORRES: Break a leg.

[Corridor]

JANEWAY: So all I have to do is find the controls of this Death Ray and deactivate it.
PARIS: It's not as simple as it sounds. Now, Chaotica might be a 1930s villain, but he's very clever. It'd help if you knew some of the rules.
JANEWAY: I'm listening.
PARIS: All right. Well, first of all, he's a megalomaniac, so it's a good idea to appeal to his ego.
JANEWAY: Right.
PARIS: And, er, use grandiose language. He likes to be called sire. And it helps to say things like the clever fiendishness of your evil plan is brilliant.

[Turbolift]

JANEWAY: Deck four.
PARIS: Now remember, it's ray gun, not phaser. Imagiser, not viewscreen. Earthlings, not Terrans.
JANEWAY: Got it.
PARIS: And another thing. These villains always have a trick up their sleeve. Trapdoors, secret weapons.
JANEWAY: It's the holodeck. I can't be hurt by weapons.
PARIS: That doesn't mean you can't be restrained, or thrown into the Dungeon of Pain.
JANEWAY: Noted.
PARIS: Now, as soon as you get the Death Ray shut down, call me in my rocket ship and give me the signal to fire.

[Corridor]

PARIS: You'll have to use Chaotica's broadcast microphone.
JANEWAY: This is how you've been spending your free time?
PARIS: Well, I've been studying how past generations viewed the future.
JANEWAY: And?
PARIS: Well, it didn't work out quite as black and white as they imagined. Now, specifications for Arachnia's costume. One more thing. if you have trouble with Chaotica, or you can't get to the Death Ray, you can always uncork the pheromones.
JANEWAY: I beg your pardon.
PARIS: Chapter sixteen, Spell of the Spider. Arachnia sends Chaotica a vial of her irresistible potion. Now, whenever he gets a whiff, he's under her spell.
JANEWAY: I get the picture.
PARIS: Yeah, well, my point is that these pheromones seem to throw Chaotica for a loop. Well, it works in Chapter sixteen, anyway. Now, the vial is sitting on a small pedestal next to the throne.
JANEWAY: I'll keep an eye out.
PARIS: Okay.
JANEWAY: Thanks for the briefing.
PARIS: I'll see you at the Fortress of Doom. And remember, you're the Queen.

[Holodeck - Fortress of Doom]

LONZAK: Sire. Three more of our space ships have been destroyed.
CHAOTICA: Argh! Full power to the Death Ray.
(He uses his broadcast microphone.)
CHAOTICA: Citizens of the Fifth Dimension. Your feeble attacks are nothing but pinpricks to me. Surrender now and I will be merciful.
LONZAK: We're receiving a transmission.
CHAOTICA: They are surrendering.
LONZAK: No. It's Queen Arachnia. She wishes to cross the drawbridge.
CHAOTICA: What are you waiting for? Show her in.
LONZAK: I present her Royal Highness, Arachnia!
(Enter Janeway is a long, slim-fitting dress, hips thrust forward.)
CHAOTICA: Ahh. At last, at last. My Queen.
(He kisses her hand.)
CHAOTICA:  This is an historic occasion. Kindred souls meet at last.
JANEWAY: It's an honour to be in your presence, Majesty. I've always admired your clever fiendishness.
CHAOTICA: Ah, your taste is exceeded only by your beauty.
JANEWAY: This must be your Death Ray.
CHAOTICA: That, my dear, is the Cradle of Persuasion. It's fully equipped. Brain probe, pain modulator.
JANEWAY: Impressive. It's good you have the Lightning Shield to protect your equipment.
CHAOTICA: Yes. As long as it's electrified, I am invincible. But my greatest achievement is there. Behold, the Death Ray.
JANEWAY: Oh, it looks like a formidable weapon.
CHAOTICA: The most powerful in the cosmos. There is so much more I want to show you. My throne, for example. The seat of my Empire.
JANEWAY: Ah. I see you've kept my pheromones. I didn't realise you were the sentimental type.
CHAOTICA: Your perfume inspires me.
(She tucks the vial into her sleeve.)
JANEWAY: Would you mind?
CHAOTICA: Oh, please.
(Janeway sits on the throne.)
JANEWAY: Somehow I feel comfortable here.
CHAOTICA: Join me and you will have your own chair. One adorned with the most precious jewels and the softest silk.
JANEWAY: Your Majesty seems overly concerned with romantic matters when there's a battle to be won. That is why you asked me here.
CHAOTICA: Of course, my dear. Forgive me. It's just that the air itself seems to vibrate in your presence.
JANEWAY: We can't be slaves to our passion. Not when your Empire is threatened. I have assembled my fleet of Spider ships. However, the Lightning Shield prevents them from approaching your fortress.
CHAOTICA: We'll send them directly into battle, alongside my space force.
JANEWAY: My soldiers wish to pay homage to you.
CHAOTICA: Gratifying. Of course, if I lower the shield my fortress will be defenceless. Even an ally might choose such a moment to seize my throne.
JANEWAY: You don't trust me.
CHAOTICA: There is a way you could convince me of your loyalty.
JANEWAY: Oh?
CHAOTICA: I'll lower my Lightning Shield but first, you must become my Queen! Gather my courtiers! Prepare for the ceremony!
JANEWAY: And don't forget to deactivate the Lightning Shield, so my subjects may witness the blessed event.
CHAOTICA: Very well. Do as she says, once her guests have arrived.
LONZAK: Yes, Sire.
CHAOTICA: And so, my dear, the day you have always dreamed of has arrived. The day you become Bride of Chaotica!

[Holodeck - Planet X]

(The EMH is dressed in a sober suit, just like the aliens. His breast pocket bears the insignia of the Federation of Planets. He has picked up one of the alien's devices. He presses it and the alien appears.)
EMH: Welcome.
ALIEN: You are photonic.
EMH: Guilty as charged.
ALIEN: You signalled me across the threshold. How?
EMH: I believe you dropped your calling card. I return it to you as a sign of good faith.
ALIEN: Identify yourself.
EMH: I am the President of Earth.
ALIEN: Earth?
EMH: A planet some distance from here. I've come on a mission of peace.
ALIEN: Elaborate.
EMH: Your people and the people of Earth have a common enemy.
ALIEN: Chaotica.
EMH: The one and only.
ALIEN: He threatens to invade our realm, destroy our people.
EMH: Join the club. Chaotica has designs on Earth too. But we've withstood countless attacks, all thanks to one man. Captain Proton.
ALIEN: Captain Proton?
EMH: Defender of the universe, scourge of intergalactic evil, And a competent medic to boot, but don't say I said so. Even as we speak, he's preparing to destroy Chaotica's Death Ray, but he needs your help.
ALIEN: Explain.
EMH: Your weapons pose a threat to Proton's rocket ship. You must cease firing while he mounts his attack. Once Chaotica's Death Ray is destroyed, you can return to your realm confident that you'll never hear from him again.
ALIEN: Captain Proton may proceed.
EMH: On behalf of the citizens of Earth, I thank you.

[Holodeck - Proton's ship]

PARIS: Space drive.
KIM: Check.
ROBOT: Check.
PARIS: Destructo beam.
KIM: Check.
ROBOT: Check.
PARIS: If I could access holodeck controls, the first thing I'd do is delete this guy.
ROBOT: Delete this guy.
PARIS: As a matter of fact, as soon as this is all over I think I'm going to delete the whole programme.
KIM: What about your historical study?
PARIS: Class dismissed. No more robots, no more mad scientists, no more Death Rays. I am retiring my rocket pack, Harry. Someone else can save the universe from now on.
KIM: The final chapter, huh?
PARIS: The end.
(The EMH enters.)
EMH: Isn't anyone going to sing Hail to the Chief?
KIM: Mister President. How'd it go?
EMH: My performance was unimpeachable.
KIM: He agreed?
EMH: Let's just say I'm considering running for office when we get back to Earth.
PARIS: All right, then. Let's get this thing in the air and hope Captain Janeway is giving a command performance.

[Holodeck - Fortress of Doom]

LONZAK: Queen Arachnia.
(Lonzak presents Janeway with a gaudy bauble on a pillow.)
JANEWAY: Don't tell me. My wedding ring.
LONZAK: Doctor Chaotica's wedding ring. You will present it to him at the end of the ceremony.
JANEWAY: Your Majesty, perhaps we should lower the Lightning Shield in anticipation of my guests.
CHAOTICA: Why this preoccupation with the Shield?
JANEWAY: Oh, forgive me. It's just that, as a fellow ruler of the cosmos I often have to do things myself.
CHAOTICA: Ah. Because of the incompetence of your inferiors, no doubt.
JANEWAY: Something like that.
CHAOTICA: Oh, Arachnia, my love, my life. how well you understand our plight. If it weren't beneath my dignity, I, I would weep. How I've longed for someone who would understand.
JANEWAY: We have a saying on Arachnia. It's lonely at the top.
CHAOTICA: No longer, my dear.
LONZAK: Majesty! Proton is preparing to attack.
CHAOTICA: Target his rocket ship.
(Janeway knocks out the minion at the controls and takes his ray gun.)
CHAOTICA: You have betrayed me. You are in league with Proton. Impetuous harlot!
JANEWAY: Tell me how to deactivate the Lightning Shield, or I'll show you just how impetuous I can be.
CHAOTICA: What are you waiting for, you great lummox? Kill her!
(Lonzak's ray gun has no effect.)
JANEWAY: Ha! You're no match for Arachnia. Now, tell me how to shut down the Shield.
CHAOTICA: The confinement rings.
(Lonzak presses a button on his belt, and Janeway is trapped inside a cylindrical forcefield.)
CHAOTICA: Oh, don't worry, I wouldn't kill my bride. Not until after our wedding night. Reactivate the Death Ray! Destroy Proton!

[Holodeck - Proton's ship]

PARIS: We've been hit.
KIM: Well, I guess the Captain ran into some trouble.
PARIS: We're not going down without a fight. Doc, activate the Destructo Beam.
EMH: The what?
PARIS: Big button in the middle of that panel.
ROBOT: Destructo Beam!
KIM + PARIS: The other panel!
EMH: Destructo beam activated.
KIM: We just dropped out of range. We're losing altitude.

[Bridge]

CHAKOTAY: Report.
TORRES: The alien weapons fire is increasing. It's causing the distortions to grow larger. We're being pulled deeper into subspace.

[Holodeck - Proton's ship]

ROBOT: Invaders! Invaders!
EMH: Er, incoming.
(Whumph!)

[Holodeck - Fortress of Doom]

(Janeway is out of the forcefield and chained to the wall with her hands behind her.)
LONZAK: Proton's ship is damaged, but still airborne.
CHAOTICA: Not for long. Fire at will.
(Janeway unstoppers the vial of pheromones.)
CHAOTICA: Lonzak.
(Lonzak takes over Chaotica's place at the Death Ray.)
CHAOTICA: (to minion.) Man the Lightning Shield.
(The pheromones go up Lonzak's nose. He goes over to her.)
LONZAK: Arachnia?
CHAOTICA: Lonzak. Quickly, Lonzak. No time for dawdling.
LONZAK: Your beauty is maddening. Entangle me in your web.
JANEWAY: Let me out of here and I'll do all that, and more.
LONZAK: At once, my Queen.
CHAOTICA: Back to your station.
(Janeway knocks out Lonzak and takes his weapon.)
CHAOTICA: Idiot!
(She shoots the stooges.)
JANEWAY: Deactivate the shield. Now.
CHAOTICA: Such passion, such strength. Together we could conquer the universe. End this madness, and you may yet live to be my Bride.
JANEWAY: The shield.
(Chaotica obeys.)
JANEWAY: I don't know how to tell you this (she shoots him) but the wedding's off. Arachnia to Proton. Arachnia to Proton. Do you read me?

[Holodeck - Proton's ship]

JANEWAY [OC]: Arachnia to Proton.
PARIS: I'm reading you.
JANEWAY [OC]: The Lightning Shield is down.
PARIS: Acknowledged. Harry, target the Death Ray. Doc, fire the Destructo Beam on my mark. Ready? Now!
(The energy from the Destructo Beam travels down the Death Ray and into Chaotica, who jerks around briefly before collapsing.)

[Bridge]

TUVOK: The distortions are closing.
TORRES: We're realigning with normal space.
CHAKOTAY: Helm, full impulse.

[Holodeck - Fortress of Doom]

CHAKOTAY [OC]: Bridge to Janeway.
JANEWAY: Go ahead.
CHAKOTAY [OC] The aliens have retreated

[Bridge]

CHAKOTAY: And they've closed the distortions. We've cleared the subspace layer.

[Holodeck - Fortress of Doom]

JANEWAY: Secure all systems, and organise damage repair teams.
CHAKOTAY [OC]: Understood. We're preparing to shut down the holodeck.
JANEWAY: Chakotay, give me a minute.
(The Robot enters, followed by Paris, Kim, and the EMH.)
PARIS: I was about to say, Captain Proton to the rescue, but I see you have everything under control.
JANEWAY: I'm the Queen, remember?
CHAOTICA: Arachnia, death as you know it has no hold on me. My defeat is but a temporary setback. I shall return to seek my revenge.
JANEWAY: He doesn't give up, does he?
PARIS: They never do.
CHAOTICA: Our love was not meant to be, my Queen. But be warned. You have not seen the last of (gurgle) Chaotica.
PARIS: The end of a twisted madman.
JANEWAY: And you're going to miss him.
PARIS: A little.
(The End comes up on the imagiser, then a ? with evil laughter.)

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