Stardate: 53556.4
Original Airdate: 26 January 2000

Captain's log, stardate 53556.4. We've towed a damaged vessel aboard and are attempting to repair it while the Doctor treats the Qomarian crew, who have suffered minor injuries.


(The Qomar have a tiny set of ridges from the bridge of the nose to half way up their foreheads. The EMH is having issues with a small grey-haired man, who is one of four in Sickbay.)
ABARCA: Stay away.
EMH: If you don't cooperate, I can't treat you.
ABARCA: When we agreed to be examined by this ship's medical officer, we didn't know that you were a primitive computer matrix.
EMH: I assure you there is nothing primitive about me. I am programmed to perform more than five million medical procedures.
ABARCA: Does that include bloodletting?
EMH: No, but I'll be happy to add it to my repertoire.
(A young female speaks slowly and with hand gestures to the EMH.)
TINCOO: We are ready to return to our ship. Could you contact one of your superiors?
EMH: Doctor to the Captain. Please report to Sickbay.
JANEWAY [OC]: Already on my way.
(The EMH speaks slowly and clearly to Tincoo.)
EMH: The Captain is coming here now. If you want to talk to her, you can have a seat.
TINCOO: It is a very irritating programme.
ABARCA: Maybe we can disable its speech subroutines.
EMH: You're not authorised to do that!
(Janeway enters.)
JANEWAY: How are our guests?
EMH: Their injuries are minor. Unfortunately, I can't say the same for their lack of manners.
JANEWAY: Doctor.
ABARCA: What is the status of our ship?
JANEWAY: To be honest, we're having a little trouble understanding your technology.
ABARCA: The problem is your technology. Interference from your antiquated scanning devices shut down our propulsion system.
TINCOO: Forgive us, Captain. We live in a closed system. We are not accustomed to interacting with other species, especially inferior ones.
JANEWAY: Well then, I guess we'll leave the repairs in your superior hands.
ABARCA: Our injuries will have to be treated first. Is there someone other than this hologram who could help us?
JANEWAY: No one who's better qualified.
TINCOO: Very well.
JANEWAY: Try to bear with our deficiencies just a little longer.
(Janeway rolls her eyes at the EMH and leaves.)
EMH: This way, please. (sings) I've been working on the railroad, all the live long day. I've been working on the railroad, just to pass the time away.
ABARCA: What is that?
EMH: This? A hypospray.
ABARCA: No. What you were doing.
EMH: Preparing your medication.
TINCOO: No. With your voice.
EMH: You mean singing?
TINCOO: Singing.
ABARCA: Do it again.
TINCOO: Yes, do it again.
EMH: (sings) Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah, someone's in the kitchen I know. Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah, strummin' on the old banjo and singing Fee fi fiddly i o, Fee fi fiddly i o, Fee fi fiddly i o. Strummin' on the old banjo.
TINCOO: It is a unique mathematical variation.
ABARCA: Difficult to quantify.
TINCOO: How do you suppose the algorithms are generated?
ABARCA: Maybe it's a fractal.
TINCOO: Or waveform calculus?
EMH: Do you mean to say a culture as superior as yours has never heard music of any kind?
TINCOO: There are other kinds of music?
EMH: Of course. The little ditty I just sang is an early American folk song. But countless cultures have produced thousands of types of music. Instrumental, choral, orchestral.
ABARCA: What is the purpose of this music? Is it an encryption code of some kind?
EMH: There is a mathematical component to music, but primarily it's a form of artistic expression.
TINCOO: Artistic expression?
EMH: Using sounds and images to convey ideas and emotions.
ABARCA: Why would anyone do that?
EMH: Well, to communicate their feelings.
ABARCA: Can't they do that through speech?
EMH: Yes, but music is much more expressive and entertaining.
TINCOO: You mean to say that this music is recreational?
EMH: It does have other applications. As a matter of fact, I've recently been doing some research into its therapeutic properties. But, yes, primarily we use it for enjoyment.
ABARCA: We? You mean to say others aboard your ship are capable of producing this phenomenon?
EMH: Well, maybe not with my level of expertise, but there are quite a few members of this crew who possess musical skills.
TINCOO: Maybe we judged this culture too quickly.
EMH: Our database contains the works of thousands of musicians and composers. If you'd like, I could download some selections for you.
TINCOO: Could you sing them for us?

Captain's log, supplemental. The Qomar have completed repairs to their ship and, surprisingly, have invited us to visit their system. Apparently, it's no longer closed to outsiders.


(The Qomar homeworld has plenty of satellites and spacecraft.)
JANEWAY: Harry, can you make sense of any of this?
KIM: We're picking up thousands of subspace transmissions, all encrypted differently.
PARIS: Between the satellites and the spacecraft, it's like navigating an obstacle course.
CHAKOTAY: With all this traffic, the Qomar might not even know we're here.
TUVOK: Apparently, they do. We are being hailed.
TINCOO [on viewscreen]: Captain, you now have the privilege of meeting Prelate Koru.
KORU [on viewscreen]: Welcome to the Qomar Planetary Alliance.
JANEWAY: Thank you, Prelate. We're looking forward to learning more about your culture.
KORU [on viewscreen]: Our civilisation is no doubt intimidating. We'll do what we can to avoid overwhelming you during your stay.
JANEWAY: I appreciate that. I understand we're not as advanced as you, but we're fast learners, and we'd like to
KORU [on viewscreen]: We want to learn more about the algorithmic expressions you call music.
JANEWAY: We're prepared to give you complete access to our musical database, as well
KORU [on viewscreen]: Your Emergency Medical Hologram. We'd consider an exchange of technology, if you give us complete access to this device.
JANEWAY: I believe he's made some recordings.
KORU [on viewscreen]: No, not recordings.
JANEWAY: How about a recital?
KORU [on viewscreen]: Recital?
JANEWAY: A live performance. We can put together a programme of various styles of music.
KORU [on viewscreen]: Will the Emergency Medical Hologram sing?
JANEWAY: He'll be the star attraction.

[Mess hall]

(The recital is underway.)
EMH: (sings) Dio, che nell'alma infondere amor volesti e speme, desio nel core accendere Tu dei di liberta.
(The Qomar are greatly impressed.)
EMH: Thank you. You're very kind. That was a selection from the opera Don Carlos, composed by Giuseppe Verdi a towering figure in Earth's musical history. Another human musical form is called jazz, which has flourished since the early twentieth century. Mathematically, you'll find the rhythmic structures quite interesting, particularly the use of syncopation, which is said to make the music swing. You may also notice some fascinating trigonometric functions in the counterpoint, but I suppose I'm going off on a tangent, aren't I?
(The Qomar find this highly amusing.)
EMH: So, without further ado, I give you Harry Kim and the Kimtones!
(Kim's group play, but the Qomar are not fond of instrumentals.)
ABARCA: We wish to hear the Doctor.
TINCOO: Yes, the Doctor.
PARIS: Doc, they're dying up there. You've got to do something.
EMH: Pick up the tempo. (sings) That old black magic has me in its spell. That old black magic that you weave so well. Those icy fingers up and down my spine. The same old witchcraft when your eyes meet mine. The same old tingle that I feel inside. And then that elevator starts its ride, And down and down I go. Round and round I go, Like a leaf that's caught in the tide. (Later -)
PARIS: Well, if you like jazz, you're going to love rock 'n' roll. It was one of the twentieth century's greatest inventions.
ABARCA: Does the Doctor sing rock 'n' roll?
CHAKOTAY: I wouldn't say it's his favourite genre.
PARIS: No, he's more of an opera man.
ABARCA: As am I.
VINKA: Aren't you one of the musicians?
KIM: Harry Kim.
VINKA: Vinka.
KIM: Welcome aboard Voyager. Er, if you'd like to see the rest of the ship, I'd be happy to give you a tour.
VINKA: Maybe later. I was wondering if you could introduce me to the Doctor.
JANEWAY: Congratulations, Doctor, you stole the show.
EMH: Thank you, Captain, but I can't take all the credit. There was something in the air. A certain magic. It was one of those rare moments when audience and performer become one.
KORU: Doctor.
EMH: Prelate. Tincoo.
KORU: I will introduce your singing to more of our people.
EMH: I'm flattered.
KORU: You will perform on our planet.
EMH: I'd consider it an honour, but you'll have to negotiate the terms with my representative.
KORU: I don't understand.
JANEWAY: I believe the Doctor is referring to me, Prelate. Another concert would mean extending our stay. When would you want to schedule the performance?
KORU: As soon as possible.
TINCOO: The Doctor could perform in one of the lecture halls at the university.
EMH: I'm not sure a lecture hall would meet the acoustic requirements.
TINCOO: I'll help you make whatever modifications you think are necessary.
JANEWAY: Sounds like you've got yourself a booking, Doctor.


EMH: I'd like to reproduce a backdrop which was used in a production of Pagliacci at Teatro de la Scala, Earth's most famous opera house.
TINCOO: It's beautiful.
EMH: Your taste in design is as refined as your taste in music.
TINCOO: We'll replicate it for you.
EMH: Excellent, but we still have the problem with the sight lines.
TORRES: What's wrong with the sight lines?
EMH: If you consider the height of the average Qomar, it's obvious that anyone seated in the back five rows will have an obstructed view.
TORRES: You're right. They won't be able to see anything but the top of your head. The glare could blind them.
EMH: You'll have to excuse Lieutenant Torres. Her appreciation of music is limited to a smattering of Klingon drinking songs. We'll have to increase the rake of the floor by five degrees.
TORRES: You really think they're going to redesign an entire building just to appeal to your vanity?
EMH: Vanity has nothing to do with it, Lieutenant. I'm concerned about my audience.
TINCOO: We are prepared to make whatever changes the Doctor thinks are necessary.
EMH: Thank you, Tincoo. While we're at it, Lieutenant, I'll need some help with my wardrobe.
TORRES: I'm an Engineer, not a costume designer.
EMH: I'd like you to make an adjustment to my mobile emitter that will allow me to make quick changes between songs.
TINCOO: That sounds exciting.
EMH: Oh, it will be. I plan to segue from Don Juan to Rigoletto in the blink of an eye. It will be a triumph of
TORRES: Arrogance and self-absorption? Just trying to help.
TINCOO: Your crewmates don't seem to appreciate your abilities.
EMH: You've noticed that too?
TINCOO: That must be very frustrating for you.
EMH: You have no idea.


TINCOO: We'll be starting in two minutes.
EMH: I'd better get into costume.
(He taps at his mobile emitter and is now dressed as Canio the clown.)
EMH: How do I look?
TINCOO: You look perfect.
EMH: I wish I had a subroutine to eliminate pre-show jitters.
TINCOO: I could help you add one to your programme.
EMH: You're very sweet. I'm just a little nervous.
EMH: I'm about to expose your entire culture to music for the first time. The responsibility is enormous.
TINCOO: Your performance tonight will be transmitted to hundreds of millions of people.
EMH: Is that supposed to help me relax?
(The house lights go down.)
TINCOO: It's time.
(The curtain goes up, and the EMH steps forward onto the stage. He is welcomed with warm applause.)


(The ship goes to red alert.)
JANEWAY: Report.
KIM: I didn't order Red alert, Captain.
JANEWAY: Well, someone did.
KIM: The command originated in Astrometrics.
SEVEN [OC]: Seven of Nine to the Captain. I've found evidence that the Qomar are attempting to sabotage Voyager.
JANEWAY: On my way.

[Astrometrics lab]

JANEWAY: What have you got?
SEVEN: I believe the Qomar are attempting to disable our comm. system.
SEVEN: By overloading it with millions of teraquads of irrelevant data.
JANEWAY: What do you mean by irrelevant?
(Seven puts them up on the big screen.)
JANEWAY: They're transmissions, all addressed to the Doctor.
SEVEN: Precisely. I've only been able to decipher a small fraction of them so far, but they include invitations to social and scientific functions, requests for personal encounters, and cloying tributes to the Doctor's talents.
JANEWAY: Computer, stand down Red alert. This isn't sabotage, Seven. This is fan mail.
SEVEN: Fan mail?
JANEWAY: People who admire performers are called fans.
SEVEN: The word, I believe, derives from fanatic.
JANEWAY: Exactly.
SEVEN: Why would the Doctor inspire fanaticism among the Qomar?
JANEWAY: Music is new to them. Clearly, they're very excited about it.
SEVEN: This glorification of the individual is irrational. The Doctor is merely reproducing the work of others. Why do his fans fixate solely on him?
JANEWAY: I suppose he's the embodiment of what they admire. He can do something they can't. That makes him special.
SEVEN: Perhaps, but that doesn't explain their interest in the minutiae of the Doctor's life. What does he do in his spare time? To how many decimal places can he calculate pi? This one wants to know his favourite quadratic equation.
JANEWAY: People have always fantasised about knowing celebrities personally. I suppose it's a way of making themselves feel more important.
TUVOK [OC]: Tuvok to Janeway.
JANEWAY: Go ahead.
TUVOK [OC]: We have a security problem on deck two.
JANEWAY: On my way. Just think, Seven. As personal friends of the Doctor, we're the envy of millions of Qomar.


(The corridor is filled with chattering Qomar.)
TUVOK: Our efforts to accommodate them have gotten out of hand.
JANEWAY: I guess their interest in the Doctor is greater than we expected.
TUVOK: Much greater. I recommend we refuse all further requests for transport from the surface.
JANEWAY: Agreed.
TUVOK: And we should evacuate these visitors immediately. They're interfering with normal ship's functions.
JANEWAY: Tuvok, when have functions aboard this ship ever been normal?

[Mess hall]

HOLO-EMH: Dio, che nell'alma infondere amor volesti e speme
EMH + HOLO-EMH: Desio nel core accendere tu dei di liberta.
(The EMH is behind a table, wearing a silk coat. He has a queue of fans in front of him.)
EMH: Thank you for coming. Please accept this eight by ten by four singing replica of me.
NEELIX: One at a time, one at a time. Now, please, do not touch the Doctor's mobile emitter. Captain, isn't this exciting?
JANEWAY: I'm not sure that's the word I'd use for it. Excuse me. Sorry, excuse me.
EMH: I'm sorry, Captain, but you'll have to wait your turn like everybody else.
JANEWAY: I'm not here for an autograph. We need to talk.
(They move away from the queue.)
JANEWAY:  I'm glad you're enjoying yourself Doctor, but this is getting a little excessive.
EMH: I'm only doing what I can to ensure that first contact with the Qomar goes smoothly.
JANEWAY: Does that include using our replicator reserves to create miniaturised versions of yourself?
EMH: I would never do such a thing. As a matter of fact, the Qomar have devoted an entire holo-processing plant to manufacturing them for me.
JANEWAY: I see. Well in any case, you've been neglecting your Sickbay duties. I haven't received a report in three days.
EMH: Oh, come now, Kathryn. It's not as though there's been a flood of medical emergencies.
JANEWAY: I wasn't aware we were on a first name basis.
EMH: I, I meant Captain. I'm sorry.
JANEWAY: Oh, that's perfectly all right, Doctor, or do you prefer Maestro?
EMH: Oh, please. Either is acceptable.
JANEWAY: Well, then, let me make it clear to both of you. Maestro, you're finished for today. Doctor, report to Sickbay. Now.


PARIS: Well, well, well. If it isn't the wandering minstrel.
EMH: What's the nature of their medical emergencies?
PARIS: Apparently, these two young ladies became dizzy and disoriented while waiting in line to see you.
EMH: I'll take over from here.
PARIS: Be careful, Doc. You seem to be hazardous to the Qomars' health.
VINKA: I'm Vinka.
AZEN: I'm Azen.
EMH: Hmm. Neither of you appears to be ill.
VINKA: We wanted to meet you in a more intimate setting.
AZEN: So we told your security officer we were sick.
EMH: Sickbay is for medical treatment only. I'm afraid you'll have to leave.
VINKA: But there's so much about you we want to know.
AZEN: Yes, you're a very stimulating hologram.
EMH: If you're here for a replica, they're available in the mess hall.
AZEN: We don't want a replica.
VINKA: We want the full sized version.
EMH: I'm flattered, really, but if you don't leave now I'll have to call Security.
VINKA: I'll bet you can calculate pi to over a thousand digits.
EMH: Security to Sickbay.
AZEN: Have you ever balanced simultaneous equations?
EMH: Computer, deactivate Emergency Medical Hologram.

[On stage]

TINCOO: Here you are.
EMH: I needed to find some peace and quiet.
TINCOO: I want to show you something.
EMH: What's this?
TINCOO: You inspired me to create my own musical composition. It's based on the intersection of two fractals.
EMH: Tincoo, this is extraordinary.
TINCOO: I created it for you.
EMH: I don't know what to say.
TINCOO: Will you sing it?
EMH: I'm not sure I can. It's very complex. The melody's lovely, but some of these notes are well beyond the human vocal range.
TINCOO: You are not human.
EMH: No, but
TINCOO: I can help you reconfigure your vocal processors.
EMH: I don't think there's time. My last concert's tomorrow.
TINCOO: Why does it have to be your last concert?
EMH: Because Voyager is scheduled to depart.
TINCOO: Stay here with us.
EMH: I have responsibilities on Voyager.
TINCOO: They're a resourceful crew. I'm certain they will find a way to compensate for your absence.
EMH: I'm not so sure about that. But even if they could, Voyager's the only life I've ever known. The crew are my friends.
TINCOO: But they don't appreciate you the way we do. You know that. You could have a new life here as a performer, surrounded by people who admire and respect your talent.
EMH: It's very tempting, but
TINCOO: By any mathematical standard, the medical care of a hundred and fifty people cannot compare to the cultural enrichment of millions.
EMH: You can't always explain things with an equation, Tincoo.
TINCOO: What about the simplest equation of them all? One plus one.
EMH: I don't understand.
TINCOO: The time you have been here has been the most stimulating of my life.
EMH: I feel the same way about my time with you.
TINCOO: Then stay here with me.

[Ready room]

JANEWAY: You're resigning your commission?
EMH: I've been asked to stay.
JANEWAY: When this all started, I thought you might have a little harmless fun, and that you'd be responsible enough to keep it in perspective. I can see now that I was mistaken.
EMH: This isn't harmless fun for me, Captain. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity to realise a dream.
JANEWAY: What about your duty to Voyager?
EMH: I take that very seriously, but
JANEWAY: You're a part of this ship.
EMH: You sound as if you're talking about a piece of equipment.
JANEWAY: That's not what I meant.
EMH: Then shouldn't I be given the same respect as any flesh and blood member of this crew?
JANEWAY: Every member of this crew is expected to fulfil his obligations.
EMH: If Harry Kim met an alien woman on an away mission, fell in love, and decided to spend the rest of his life with her, raise a family instead of continuing on this journey, you wouldn't stand in his way.
JANEWAY: You're not Harry Kim. You're an Emergency Medical Hologram.
EMH: Then you do see me as a piece of technology.
JANEWAY: I have given you extraordinary freedom, to explore your creativity, to go on away missions, to pursue personal relationships, but enough is enough.
EMH: Why? Because you don't see me as an equal, and you never have. Admit it.
JANEWAY: I am responsible for the medical needs of this crew. If I let you leave, what kind of captain would I be?
EMH: Every other Starfleet officer chose to be here, but I never had a choice, until now. I've given this crew everything for five years. Isn't it worth anything? Haven't I earned the right to self-determination? You've lost other systems before and always managed to find a solution. You'll manage without me.
JANEWAY: What about you? Will you manage without us?
EMH: The Qomar are a technologically advanced species. I have no doubt that my maintenance requirements will be met.
JANEWAY: Now which one of us is looking at you as a piece of technology? I'm not talking about your maintenance needs. I'm talking about your emotional needs. You've got people on this ship who care about you.
EMH: The Qomar certainly seem to care about me.
JANEWAY: And when their tastes change?
EMH: What makes you think that's going to happen?
JANEWAY: Fame is often temporary.
EMH: This isn't just about fame.
JANEWAY: Oh, really?
EMH: If you must know, there's a woman involved. One who appreciates me in a way no one on this crew ever has.
JANEWAY: Well, it sounds like you'll have everything you need.
EMH: I believe I will.
JANEWAY: I hope so, Doctor. Because once Voyager's gone, you won't be able to change your mind.
EMH: That's a risk I'm willing to take.
JANEWAY: As your Captain, I should refuse this resignation. But as your friend, it wouldn't be right to stand in your way.


EMH: And you can't let the Captain ignore her health. She's notorious for finding any excuse to miss her appointments.
PARIS: I'll send her weekly reminders.
EMH: And when Mister Neelix becomes convinced that he's suffering from the Toluncan ague, which he does every flu season, don't argue with him, just give him a placebo.
PARIS: Doc, I've been assisting you for three years. I know the drill.
EMH: Yes, I suppose you do. Remember, I'll be within comm. range for at least another month, so if any problems should arise.
PARIS: Doc, you're not really going to do this, are you?
EMH: I would have thought you of all people would be glad to see me go.
PARIS: Are you kidding? Who am I going to torment after you're gone?
EMH: Well, I've got some more goodbyes. I'll check in with you before I leave.
PARIS: I'll be here, redecorating your office.

[Cargo Bay two]

EMH: Hello, Seven. I wanted to see you before I left. I've downloaded some social lessons we haven't covered yet. There are seventeen new chapters.
SEVEN: Does one of them include instructions for ending a friendship?
EMH: Our friendship's not over, Seven.
SEVEN: It will be difficult to maintain if we never see each other again.
EMH: I know it'll be hard for you when I'm gone.
SEVEN: I will adapt.
EMH: Yes, I suppose you will. But it'll be hard for me.
SEVEN: Why? You're getting everything you've ever wanted.
EMH: I thought you'd be the first one to understand my desire to grow as an individual.
SEVEN: What I don't understand is why you can't do that aboard Voyager.
EMH: I feel I've accomplished all I can here. Oh, there's the occasional medical mystery that challenges my programming, but mostly it's become routine. And frankly, I feel my talents are often taken for granted. But when I'm standing on that stage performing, and I see those rapt faces in the audience, I feel I finally know what it's like to be made of flesh and blood.
SEVEN: You simply crave attention, applause, fan mail.
EMH: What if I do?
SEVEN: Those things are irrelevant.
EMH: To you, maybe. But to me, it makes me feel appreciated, even loved. Not for what I've been programmed to do, but for who I've become.
KIM [OC]: Doctor, you're receiving a transmission.
EMH: Route it to Cargo Bay two.
TINCOO [OC]: Doctor, this is Tincoo. I want to see you immediately. I have something to show you.
EMH: What is it?
TINCOO [OC]: A surprise. I think you'll be very pleased.
EMH: I'll beam down as soon as I can. Seven.
SEVEN: You shouldn't keep your fans waiting.

[Tincoo's lab]

TINCOO: Thank you for being so prompt.
EMH: Of course. What's the surprise?
TINCOO: I had an inspiration.
EMH: Another musical composition?
TINCOO: Better.
(She calls up a holographic Qomar EMH.)
EMH: What's this?
TINCOO: I've solved all our problems.
EMH: I wasn't aware that we had any.
TINCOO: Well, you were reluctant to leave your ship, and you also doubted your ability to sing my composition, so I created a superior holomatrix.
EMH: I don't understand.
TINCOO: It's simple. Now you can stay aboard Voyager, and he can sing for us. Listen.
(The new holomatrix can cover many more octaves than the EMH.)
EMH: You can't make a superior singer simply by creating a new matrix.
QOMAR HOLOGRAM: I beg to differ. My vocal processors are enhanced with polyphonic sequencers. I am not only capable of singing notes well beyond your limited range, I can produce multi-harmonic overtones through the use of amplitude vacilla
(The EMH turns him off.)
TINCOO: Why did you do that?
EMH: Tincoo, music is more than mathematics. And I am much more than a programme with musical subroutines. All of my experience, all of my passion, goes into every note that I sing. When you listen to me, when my singing moves you, you're not just hearing notes. You're hearing my artistry. My soul.
TINCOO: I've duplicated that, too.
EMH: I thought you wanted me.
TINCOO: I did, but now I've developed a far more sophisticated piece of technology.
EMH: Technology.
TINCOO: I thought you would be pleased. You seemed reluctant to leave your ship.
EMH: You told me that the time you had spent with me was the most stimulating of your life.
TINCOO: It was. You inspired me to do my greatest work.
EMH: But I thought
EMH: That you and I
EMH: Well, I suppose I'm no longer on the bill tomorrow.
TINCOO: Of course you are. It will be your farewell performance.
EMH: Of course.

[Medical lab]

(The EMH is trying to reach the top notes of his rival.)
TORRES: You wanted to see me?
EMH: I need your clearance code to delete my medical database.
TORRES: You sure you want to do that? If you give one of your fans a heart attack you won't be able to resuscitate him.
EMH: I need more space in my matrix.
TORRES: For what?
EMH: To expand my musical subroutines so that I can sing this composition.
TORRES: Well, I'm surprised you're asking me for help. I recall your saying that my appreciation for music was limited to a smattering of Klingon drinking songs.
EMH: Please, B'Elanna, I'm asking you as a friend. Everything depends on this.
TORRES: What's so important about this composition?
EMH: Tincoo wrote it for me.
TORRES: Your girlfriend?
EMH: I wouldn't call her that.
TORRES: Don't tell me you two had a fight.
EMH: Let's just say she doesn't appreciate me quite as much as I thought she did. But that will all change. Once I perform this, she will see me for the artist I truly am.
TORRES: Look, Doc, I don't know anything about this woman or why she doesn't appreciate you, and I may not be an expert on music, but I'm a pretty good engineer. I can expand your musical subroutines all you like. I can even reprogramme you to be a whistling teapot. But, if I do that, it won't be you anymore.

[On stage]

(The EMH is in a simple evening suit.)
EMH: Tonight, I was planning to perform a song composed by one of your own people. When you consider she heard music for the first time only a few days ago, it's an extraordinary accomplishment. But although it's a very beautiful composition, I'm afraid it's beyond my abilities. So instead, I'm going to sing an old Neapolitan ballad. It's a song about lost love. (sings) Sotto la grónda della torre antica, una róndine amica a lo sbocciar del almondo or lui tornata. Ritorni tutti l'anni sempre alla stessa data, monti e mari sa varca per tornar. Solo amore quando fugenda lontana sper invano, ma non torni piu. Sper invano ma non torna piu.
(That was Rondine al nido by Vincenzo de Crescenzo. It receives polite applause, and Janeway wipes away a tear. The EMH leaves the stage.)
TINCOO: Thank you, Doctor. That was fascinating. It is because of your inspiration that I can now present to you a new and exciting musical programme. A singing holographic matrix designed specifically to extend the range of humanoid vocal capabilities, singing my own musical composition.
(The Qomar holomatrix takes the stage and performs the sound composition. Its multi-tonal section complete with whistling kettle receives applause from the Qomar, and leaves the humans completely nonplussed.)

[Ready room]

JANEWAY: Come in.
EMH: Good morning, Captain.
JANEWAY: What's this?
EMH: A formal request to be reinstated.
JANEWAY: So you've taken off your tails and put them between your legs.
EMH: Yes, ma'am.
JANEWAY: You offended a lot of people who care about you.
EMH: I know. I was a fool. I'm sorry. And I'm willing to do whatever I can to rectify the situation. Starting with the deletion of all my musical subroutines.
JANEWAY: Permission denied.
EMH: But, Captain
JANEWAY: No buts, Doctor. You're expected to follow orders just like every other flesh and blood member of this crew. Resume your normal activities. All of them.
EMH: Yes, ma'am.
JANEWAY: Dismissed.

[Doctor's office]

(The EMH plays one of his souvenir mini-holograms, then cuts it off mid-note and tosses it into a waste bin.)
EMH: Oh, Seven, I didn't see you. I suppose you've come to gloat.
SEVEN: I have something for you.
EMH: What is it?
SEVEN: Fan mail.
EMH: Delete it. I don't want to read another word.
SEVEN: Then I'll read it for you.
EMH: Seven.
SEVEN: Dear Doctor. I regret that your last performance was not as successful as you'd hoped. There are still those who appreciate your unique talents and admire you as an individual. I'll always consider myself your loyal fan.
EMH: Who's it from?
SEVEN: It's signed Seven of Nine, Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix zero one.
(The EMH takes the PADD and she leaves. He gets up and walks into Sickbay.)
EMH: (sings) I've been working on the railroad, All the livelong day. I've been working on the railroad, Just to pass the time away. Can't you hear the whistle blowing? Rise up so early in the morn.

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